The Mirage is really A smoke Screen

People, good people, good morning.  Listen let’s have a serious talk about what appears to be and what is.  We ALL have put out into the atmosphere our very best self.  We post the best pics out of the 100 we took.  We use filters because let’s face it they are pretty. However there is one thing that we all need to be reminded.  Everything that glitters isn’t gold.  This isn’t the first time we have heard it but let’s talk about it some more.

Image result for disappointment gif

We get caught up in the ideas about of what people put out. Some people post about solid marriages and have the most flakiest ones.  Being real is about being loud and yelling instead of just being honest and transparent.  Just because you yell you keeping it real doesn’t mean you are.  That’s a free nugget of wisdom for someone.  People struggle. Relationships and marriages struggle.  People don’t air out their dirty laundry or rather they shouldn’t.  We base our lives off of others and do less work on our own.  If you see a woman get flowers, you go home and complain you aren’t getting them.  However you haven’t expressed you wanted them before.  You don’t go and get them yourself because you enjoy them.  You are waiting, hoping that the man you are with will finally take this initiative and do and missing out on the love you really do and can give yourself.  You realize that if that love won’t measure up and you practice self-love, nature will separate you from what you don’t need to be with.  Again another freebie for you.

Image result for disappointment gif

Please learn to take some stock in YOUR life.  I give great advice but I try to eat and nibble on it before I give it.  I hold myself accountable.  For instance let me give you some realness.  I was having the worst anxiety attack.  I didn’t want to go to an event because I knew some of the people there I don’t vibe with.  I had to be reminded that its more than talk, I will NEVER vibe well with them.  I can’t live with brakes on.  SO I got dressed and made it happen.  I wanted to be in my defeated world and just go to bed.  I ended up having an amazing time.  The point is simple, it’s about getting past the hiccups with action and not just lip service.

Image result for disappointment gif

We have to get past our favorites smoke screens.  I love LL Cool J and Morris Chestnut and both are married.  Like my marriage there are days even with all of their fineness that their wives are ready to trip them because of something they did or didn’t do.  No different from my own marriage. I have friends who I look up to but when they close their doors they have things they are working out in their lives.  So you have to understand that and learn to live life on your own terms.  A lot of people selling this message of love your spouse, or job or life to the fullest don’t always mean they receive it or live it everyday.  Be careful who you put your highest stock on.  Everyone on your pedalstool will disappoint you if you don’t keep things into perspective.  No different from when the report of  America’s sweetheart Jesse Williams called it quits with his wife.  Everyone like lawd if they can’t make it what we gon do?  You gon get over it and make your marriage work.  You need to use the information to make yours solid.  Love harder, listen more, don’t take things for granted, etc  That’s what you do instead of attributing everything good and going into doom and gloom when it doesn’t add up.

Live your OWN best life!!

 

 

How to Get Past the Annoying Co-Worker

So we all have them right?  Unless you are in business for yourself you have to work.  I was always taught if you don’t work, you don’t eat.  There are no handouts.  Let me say even if you have landed your dream job, having others who you have to interact with can get annoying.  It doesn’t mean you have to be at your wit’s end.

Image result for annoying co worker gif

I am a firm believer in life not to allow any one person to get into my spirit so much that the sight of them makes my eyes squint.  Now that is not to say that it hasn’t happened. It’s getting warmer out and although you would think that moods would be jolly people are people. These tips I am giving are the ones I use and reuse all the time.

Image result for annoying co worker gif

  1. Don’t take your work home-give yourself about 5 minutes or so after you get off or after you speak to a friend or spouse about someone at the job and then let it go. The more energy you give a person even if they are not in your presence the more they irk you.  Speak it and then release it and them.
  2. Know who your supervisor.  Sometimes knowing who you have to report will help the situation.  There is always that co-worker that thinks he/she is your boss.  Speak up. You are only going to get more frustrated if you don’t.  You can professionally let people know where they can get on or off without being overly out-of-pocket. Little reminders of the such goes a long way trust me.  You have to professionally back people off of you.
  3. Don’t Speak what you won’t do.  If you are a talker and all you want to do is complain say that.  However never put out in the atmosphere what you are going to do if you don’t plan to do it.  People waste energy telling folks off and then don’t back it up.  In an office setting there should be protocol in how you handle conflict. Deal with the issue and attempt to set aside the emotions of the situation.
  4. Be cordial-stop thinking that you have to be your co-workers friend.  This false set of foolishness leads to more issues that can be squashed.  If you and the co-worker don’t hang out outside of the office, stop allowing them to be on your social media networks and crossing the friendship line with you.
  5. You are in control of you.  Adults should be their own person.  Learn that in some situations hi and bye works.  You are there to do your job or work on your projects.  When you forget that at times you get caught up.
  6. Don’t get caught up in office banter.  In order to have less problems learn when to disengage.

There will be tines when the list doesn’t work.  Gasp.  Yes people are people.  Find it inside of you to stay in control.  The biggest one is to learn to speak up.  It’s usually the ones who hold everything in, and complain the most who have the worst interpersonal skills.  They haven’t learned to walk in their adulthood.  That alone will solve a lot of office issues.  Never stoop to the annoying co-workers level.  Remain in control.  There’s a good chance they have rubbed others the wrong way as well.  Never let them see you sweat.  Since most of us don’t have bail money on deck, don’t lose control at work.  Walk away especially from work place violence-no one wins.  Take walks.  Take a break.

Image result for annoying co worker gif

 

Ask Toi: I really want to take a sex break from my husband but how?

This is definitely a first of hearing of such breaks in a marriage.  I don’t know how that will roll over with your husband.  I am sure you have your reasons so you will definitely need to lead the conversations with that.  When I was dating my husband who of course was my boyfriend at the time, I remember wanting to take a break but it was more or less for religious reasons.  As a Preachers Kid or PK I knew sex was wrong and figured this break would refocus us.  He went along with it in the beginning but in the end I was the one who was like hey no I am good let’s start this up.  For my daters, be open to your own sense of what works for you.

When you are married there are so many reasons why this wouldn’t be a good idea unless it’s for health reasons.  I mean you’re married that is supposed to signal life time partner as well as lifetime sexual partner. However its your body and although some folks place the emphasis on women’s bodies belonging to their husband I do not believe in it UNLESS its belonging to both.  Meaning as a woman I should be able to call on sex and request it and get it within reason too and let’s face it, it doesn’t always work out that way in most homes.

Your body and your reasonings will be all you need to talk to your husband. What he may be okay with may not work for all but that won’t matter.  I would say don’t go to talk to your husband with the sex break and make it for some unrealistic amount of time. Men are physical beings and that won’t fly.  If you felt the need for sex breaks this should be something that both he and you are okay with.  If not you will come off to him as someone who wants to control using one of the biggest methods of control that a large amount of women use and that’s sex.  I know women who withhold sex not because of issues but as a way to get their husbands to do whatever it is they want.  Husbands aren’t kids.  If you want a good marriage you need to have open communication and withholding sex signals immaturity to communicate effectively.  However you are a team and if a member of the team needs something it should be heard and validated.  There are a lot of sexless relationships that I would say work but only usually for the one that made it that way. Relationships are give and take and so you must be willing to hear his side of how he feels about this too. Do not get upset when he’s not on board.  I as a woman wouldn’t be but that’s just me.  Allow him time to process it.

You and only you know why, you should deal with your why first because it could be that the sex is a physical sign of something emotional going on. Dealing with the cause is a better fix to what is going on inside of you.  Explore your why a little further.  You may want to do this before speaking to him.

Ask Toi: My cousin came to my home while my husband and I was on a date and my sitter wouldn’t let her in…

Okay you and your husband is on a date. You have a sitter and you are care free. Then an unexpected family memeber comes to the home but no heads up was given to the sitter so she doesn’t allow the cousin to gain access to the home. Cousin calls and wants to know why she can’t stop by and is upset you stand with the sitter.
It sounds like the cousin is going to have to move on. Yes the cousin called after coming but the issue is that the sitter doesn’t know them nor was alerted to their presence. The cousin should have called before she came to begin with. I know some family who likes to pop up and although it’s not my cup of tea to be okay with you get what you get when you pop up. The sitter is there to watch the kids. She shouldn’t have to be subjected to outside people in the home regardless of their relationship unless prior arrangements had been made.

I’m all for family but the cousin needs to accept that she came at an inappropriate time. To be mad and petty about it is just childish. She’s a cousin not a parent and even still people have to respect boundaries when coming to someone’s home. Give her a few days and she will be fine. I can’t see this being a blow up to the point where she no longer comes around. 

I wouldn’t even bring it up unless she does. It’s your home and and she needs to respect your choices.  

Weekly Wrap Up: May 19, 2017

Happy National Pizza Party day.  Who doesn’t love pizza?  Okay not a real way to open up the blog by hey it’s Friday and I am in uber good mood today.  For all of those who will have a slice have fun! I have eaten enough of my points in other delectable things for the week that I need to chill until date night tomorrow night.  So how was your week? Mine was pretty good so let’s dive in.

Personal Highs

So this has been a good week.  Let me shout out my kids this week.  They are ending the school year on some awesome high notes.  My daughter-the oldest has a birthday coming up.  My son is going to kindergarten next year and has a moving up graduation soon. My youngest is doing well and has adopted a new imaginary friend aka her bunny.  This has been an awesome week for the Storr kids.  That makes me and my husband super awesome.  Another good thing this week has been that I have gotten the most sleep in a long time.  Now with that we will talk about my lows but that’s at least a plus this week.  I am still losing the weight and I am super excited. I have another goal and that is a cute little Boho bathing suit I have been eyeing for the Summer.  Oh and Summer is coming so insert the biggest happy face ever.  I love heat!  I have some awesome plans this weekend along with some scheduled me time so I can’t wait to get me together like I always do-no excuses. Have a wonderful weekend and do one thing that will renew your mind. Sometimes that means cleaning a few things out in preparation for what is to come.

Here is a short list of renewal things (I get asked this in emails often)

  1. Clean up your space-this is very renewing.  Clutter will get the best of you.
  2. Go to a park-being outside is very comforting.
  3. Magazine time-you need to be able to take some time out to enjoy a few favorites.
  4. Visit a coffee shop
  5. Church or mediation
  6. Go to a farmers market
  7. Sleep-rest is a beautiful thing. I am super busy but taking an extra hour does amazing things
  8. Shopping for some is super renewing
  9. Organize-doing things to help your week saves time and energy.  I meal prep, breakfast prep like making sandwiches I can freeze and grab, making smoothie bags for the week all ensure that the excuse of “don’t have time” is gone.  How else would I get through the week with 3 small kids at 3 different schools?

News

  1. Kingston Frazier, 6 years old was killed when his mother went into a grocery store and left him in a car unattended with the keys.  A group of men later identified as teenagers took the car with the boy in it and hours later he was found dead with a shot-gun wound.  My heart has been hurting and my head too over the senseless deaths of our children this week.  Please keep this family in prayer.
  2. Following up from the previous death is the death of Gabriel Taye who died of an apparent suicide after he had been bullied and knocked out the day before after hitting his head on a wall by another boy in his class.  His mother was not informed of what happened and 2 days later he was found in his bedroom from a suicide.
  3. Here in Philly a 10-year-old boy had been bullied and came home and told his mom he had the worst day of his life.  She gave him space and then when she went to check on him he had died of an apparent suicide.  I know there are a lot of other news stories but these are important this week.  We have kids’ life being taken for no reason.  Please parent be vigilant with your kids.  Please make sure that you talk with your children.  We need to listen and support our children.  Do NOT leave them in the car.  Although the actions of the mother who left Kingston in the car were bad, the real enemy was the boys that took his life.  May all of these beautiful boys always be remembered and let’s have less of them.  I will do a separate blog about all of them soon.
  4. Trump and the Russian ties is heating up.  So be on the look out if you already aren’t now.

Blogs

  1. The dirty mirror-this had a lot to do with my personal journey that I am taking in my life to love me more and how that is affecting and could potentially affect the state of my marriage.  These changes have so far made us strong but for others who find themselves in this change it can make them second guess everything.
  2. I got you ma-this is the season that men start the cat calling more.  Summer lovin is finally on its way.  For the single and ready to mingle this could be good.  Just don’t lose your mind and think that all men are on the up an up because they are not. Some will promise the world just to bed you.  Never lose focus. If you only want sex, protect yourself, but if you want more, be vigilant and ask questions.  Men will tell you what you ASK. So ask the right ones.
  3. TBT: we threw it back to when putting it all on the table too soon may be considered an issue.  Don’t be the only one throwing it out there.  Ask.  If you’re dating its your season to enjoy someone’s company as well as it is to collect information.

Personal Lows

So I went to the doctors a few weeks ago and got a clean bill of health.  So she asked me to get blood work done.  I didn’t do it.  So now the migraines that had subsided since I started eating better and losing weight have come back.  So today I didn’t hesitate to get the blood work done this morning.  So that is the push for all of my ToiTime to take care of themselves.  So it’s your job to be vigilant about what you need.  You can’t take care of anyone if you don’t take care of you first.  I have to wait until Monday to get the results and I am pretty sure I know what they will say.  I will keep you posted. I do not think I am in immediate danger.  I do believe vitamins etc. will have to be readjusted.  Other than that whatever has been going on makes me super exhausted. I am anemic but that was improving. So say a little prayer that all will be well and continue that way.

I Got You Ma…

Well where I live it’s about to be a nice 90 degrees.  This is a signal to every female of what to expect in the coming months.  It doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, or an alien, if you are female the foolery is going to happen.  For my single ladies, this cat calling will confuse you if you don’t have your wits about you.  For some we can get cat called on daily but for those who may be a little rusty and looking to step back in the dating field, let me give you a few details to remember.

Image result for eyes roll gif

I got you ma personality-this is the man with all of the promises in the world but NEVER comes through. Also watch for the ones who are hit and miss with the promises.  They were waiting on you to drop your drawers and didn’t want to go all in-trust me. I met a guy a million years ago that was like, I got you: nails, hair etc I ain’t seen him in a million years.  He was all talk.  It may seem like part of the game but there are a lot of cues to this type of man.  Look at if you get that far how he interacts with those around you.  If he is the flashy type of guy that makes it rain in the club but ain’t making it rain in his own home, there is a problem.  We all love to go out and have a good time but if you find the man you are entertaining is the type that don’t have his stuff together, run.  In your 20s living it up is what folks do,  but anything past 20s is screaming “run the hell away.” If this man can’t get your nails and hair done but keeps promising you, what are you wasting your time for? Not that you need him to do it. Let’s keep this real during the time I met the I got you ma man, I was at the nail and hair salon bi-weekly.  So his donations weren’t needed. I wasn’t the woman looking for a come up.  My momma already taught me how to maintain without a man.  So for the men on some oh she trying to get the ladies to be a gold digger you can relax that’s not even the case.  Be clear that a LOT of men will approach a woman especially when they think she and he are comfortable with the let me get you lies.  Women don’t even have to give it up.

Image result for dating jerks gif

How many times has a man said I don’t care that you’re married?  Trust me a lot.  How many of them said I can get you whatever and you can look in their eyes and see they full of it?  A lot.  Ladies, you know I am telling the truth.  The problem is once you have gone out on a few dates we tend to forget that it’s all about the chase.  The I got you ma man isn’t staying around to really wine and dine you past getting the “cookie.”  So you have to see if that man’s words have weight. The game doesn’t change.  The issue is that some women will find that man who does make good on what he says and messes him over.  This does happen.  Be careful in the world of scammers.  Not all men are scammers but trust there are some.  Some men, will put only a little bait to see what you are willing to do.  You want the expensive restaurant, it’s going to cost you.  You want a new handbag, it’s going to cost you.  The cost to them is mere pennies to what it cost you to think you finally found the one and are left with a broken heart.  Unless a wet spot on some sheets is all you need than I say go for it!!

Image result for dating jerks gif

I had a guy tell me he was going to buy this and that I have yet to see it but guess what, I bought it myself.  End of the day its simple, be your own boss.  Go to the table with more than hips and thighs.  You are not a value meal.  Learn to smile and give them a little snazziness back when they start talking that game.  Learn to weed out the losers that really just want to get laid.  Always remember as a woman when you walk away from one there is another so don’t waste your beautiful times on a bunch of lies.  Its warm, Summer is coming and skirts and dresses make these men lose their mind.  Don’t lose yours….

The Dirty Mirror

Well good morning.  We are all coming off from either a good Mother’s Day or one we would not rather talk about. It is evident in the posts I saw on social media. However let’s shift our gears a bit to relationships this morning.

You ever found yourself admiring another couple?  You love how they love on each other.  Love is supposed to be inspiring.  However inspiration is only a small part in life. I have found myself really admiring a couple to the point where you forget that people are human and just like you are working stuff out on your end they are too.  So here is the dilemma. How much can you take in for face value?  How much of what appears to come from someone or a relationship can we take as the real?  Up to this point I thought I had the whole premise of admiring from afar down pact but I found out that I may not.

So here I go my emotions all over the place in what I thought another couple was showing me.  So here’s today’s nugget, the grass is never greener on the other side.  Yes water your own but stop looking at the grass altogether.  I have to admit often times when you are looking at someone else, what others have, what you don’t have is because of your own insecurities.  How many times had I argued with my husband on what he doesn’t do when in reality I could do it myself.  Not on the level of I don’t need him but doing it for myself to show what I needed from him or anyone to be honest.  People treat you the way you treat you.  So during this new focus on myself I have changed that about me.  I am not looking at what someone can do for me.  I am not looking at other couple and picking at the parts that I like about them because their struggle to get to what I think I see may be flawed.  That is the lesson that I learned over the weekend.

Image result for marital spat gif

I have asked myself before I got married what I wanted.  However I never really explored the actual question past fantasy and whimsical things.  The things that I had set up in my head never went as planned.  Nothing has gone as planned.  I could use that as an out and say well it wasn’t meant to be and there is someone else for me.  The reality is no one knows if there is someone else out there for me.  I am not looking let’s be clear.  I am not taking applications.  I am simply noticing that if I treat my mate the way I want to be treated that if he doesn’t treat me in the same high regard than that alone will be what I will use to determine any changes in my marital status and not because he isn’t doing what another man is doing for his wife for me.  That other man can be showing the world all this love and literally could be going through hell behind the scenes.  Same with the woman.  I am learning to have my own expectations.  I am finding out what I do like and what I don’t like.  How about I am doing all this NOW.  This is something I encourage the ones that are not married to do while single.  This is dangerous to do while married but its better to do than to keep going and lying to yourself.  I am not suggesting that while I am doing this, I am finding that my husband is not measuring up. Right now he and I are fine. We are stronger actually than we have ever been and that speaks volumes.  This is about me.  However some other couples can go through this and find that they are no longer suitable.  Please single people figure this out before you get married.  This will save you some time.

What happens if I get to the end of this and find out that my husband and I don’t mesh, I don’t need to worry about that right now.  I believe we will be fine.  We will be fine because this is an important part of maturity. I would hate to have been such a nag, and prolong this out without knowing myself.  Relationships will change. I used to be upset at the thought but they are supposed to change.  I am not the same as I was when we got married almost 5 years ago and 3 children in.  I am different.  I am expected to change. The work gets harder in love.  Love and lovey dovey feelings aren’t the glue to hold it together. It’s about knowing yourself and working things out inwardly.  It requires faith to believe that love is meant to be.  It’s being okay and not falling apart just because it may not. I am not overly concerned about getting to the end so I can feel as if we are okay.  We are okay and that is all that matters.

Image result for marital spat gif

So for the other couples that are finding themselves in this wave, ride it out.  Through the ups and down you will find out that the person you looked starry-eyed at will be there and maybe they won’t.  If you are really doing the work on yourself you will find that if things do end it can be amicable and you can move on without carrying the weight of the what ifs.  You will know in your heart that you loved hard and did what you needed to do.  I am not scared in this process.  Oh and for those looking for cracks in my marriage, there are none. My husband and I talk about this more now than ever before.  I am not looking to get out, this is just how it needs to be.  Is it uncomfortable? In the beginning it was because I kept thinking the worst was going to happen. Not that we were or are going to divorce.  Divorce wasn’t the issue, being miserable in my own skin was. Not because I was unloved but because I needed to set my personal parameter on what respect, love, etc looked like for me.  I thought no one can go through this shift and survive it.  No one can began to question marriage and still be okay.  However life is what it is.  Questioning is not an issue, doing nothing and simply existing is the issue.  I needed to take charge of my love life and I am.  I have had moments where I wanted to talk to my friends about it but I choose not simply because there wasn’t any advice they can give me.  Even my married friends this wasn’t about getting everyone’s opinion. This was about my voice, my issues, handling this OUR way.

Image result for marital spat gif

For any couple in this shift, it’s okay. Every fear you have someone else has had.  For every question you ask, someone has asked those same questions.  You can love someone to infinity and beyond, but you have to be able to know you are giving that same love to yourself.  This will either propel your husband or wife to do the same or show you that they aren’t and never was.  Could I honestly say that my husband was doing all he can if I wasn’t?  No and there was the issue it started with me not him.  I don’t have all of the answers but I love that I have someone who sees the shift, embraces the shift, and we are doing our work together and although it seems as if it may being done separately it’s not.