My littlest almost killed me…

So not really.  She actually had nothing to do with it.  I am ready to share my birth story of my youngest.  She will be 3 tomorrow.  I and my husband was not planning on having another one.  It depends on who you ask but I wanted to get my tubes tied and once I made the appointment what I didn’t do was protect myself until the tube tying process took place.  None of our kids were planned.  Not one. With that being said, not one came in with this beautiful story of love and acceptance from the beginning.  Let me explain what I mean by that before all the moms of the world come at me.  When you have the notion to plan your children, it’s an expecting welcoming.  When you don’t you have to get to a place of acceptance.  For me legitimately it wasn’t as easy as the text books make it sound. I love and had love for them, how could I not, but it took a hot minute for me to accept that the baby was coming and to embrace what I was mentally and emotionally dealing with.  I know my moms understand what I mean.  Having kids is no easy task.  Thinking about the pain, the stress, and just being protective over this baby from the time you find out until your life or theirs end is a LOT.

So as I began to accept that a new baby was on its way, my stress level went up.  I started having migraines.  They were debilitating.  I went to work everyday in spite of being in the worst possible pain.  Then one day my boss was talking to me and I stopped him and walked away.  I was saying to myself what in the holy world did you do?  I was smart with it when I said it but I didn’t mean any harm by it.  I went to the bathroom and I am in there crying hysterically.  No one knew I was in there so I had to get myself up and get back to the office. I got back and I looked dark, I felt dark and I called my husband and told him please take me straight to the hospital.  I get there and they hook me up to the monitors.  I fell asleep after monitoring my baby and finding out she was okay.  I woke up it was 735pm and I had been in the hospital since 11am. I don’t remember what doctors or nurses had been in their to check on me.  When I woke up and realized what time it was I knew they were going to keep me.  If they thought I could have medication and go home surely I would be home by then. The doctor came in and her face was flushed.  So I started crying off the bat. Here I had a blood clot in my left lower brain.  I was devastated.  My husband came as I heard the news and I couldn’t even think.

As I was admitted and several neurologist came in, my life changed at that moment.  I would have to take Lovenox via injections two times a day. I hate needles.  Like me and needles could never go together.  I thought, I would have to stop working,  but I didn’t. After a few days and some rest at home I was back at work.  The issue now is that I have to get my blood drawn every 2 days to make sure I am in the levels I need to be to be safe. This was the most irritating thing in the world.  I had to keep going back to the pharmacy getting new shots every time the range was wrong.  I did this a few tines a week.  All the while, my little bit was perfectly fine and baking.  Back and forth I was in the hospital.  I made up in my mind this was the last child.  I made the decision for me.  Even if my husband had disagreed and he didn’t I wasn’t having a child by any man, science, or immaculate conception. Team NO MORE BABIES was in full effect.  It wasn’t my babies fault but my pregnancies haven’t been easy and I personally am done with being pregnant.

As we got close to full term, I had to meet with a specialized team of surgeons.  All 3 of my kids were C-section births.  I couldn’t just plop into the hospital to have her with a blood clot in my brain.  No ma’am.  We set the date for February 17th.  I knew when and what time.  The day before I had to stop my Lovenox at the right time.  They ran extra tests but then there was an emergency that came ahead of me and I could pushed back. So as my husband and parents there we had to wait.  They wheeled me in and surgery went well.  I had to have blood on stand by.  Shout out to my special donor.  He drove from Lebanon PA to Philadelphia to make sure I would be okay.  Right after her birth everything seemed fine, until after recovery.  I get to my room, my husband, kids, and mother in law are there and they check me to make sure all was well.  Well, it wasn’t.  They made everyone leave my room, the doctor stabbed me in my leg with drugs, and reached her hand in and pulled out this almost baby sized blood clot.  The worst of what we feared had happened.  They got me stable and I went on with all the newborn baby stuff.  A day later I went to take a shower and I felt this pain like labor.  I pull on the cord, staff came in running, another baby sized blood clot and they repeat what they did the day before.  So back on my Lovenox to make sure I was safe.

Discharge day was great.  I thought the worst had passed.  I get home and I am getting comfortable. Some family came over to visit.  My son is super excited to see me, he’s about 2 at this point.  He jumps on top of my belly before we could catch him, I said I had a C-section.  I scream out in pain.  I tell my husband please take me and the new baby upstairs. I get in the bed and I felt a pop.  It was the worst thing I could have ever felt.  I blacked out. I blacked out several times.  My husband called the ambulance although I asked him not to.  Had he not I wouldn’t even be here writing this.  I wake up to see this tall, strong, sexy man holding me who is not my husband.  I am like hi, who are you?  It was a fire fighter.  I am like lord I am in pain, you ain’t got time to admire this man but hey I am human right? So enough of looking at this stranger and its off to the hospital.

Back to blacking out I get to the hospital and they already know about me.  I was the most riskiest patient on the floor.  I was the whitest black woman they had ever seen and my doctor told me.  I had lost a lot of blood and had internal bleeding but the issue is they can’t do surgery because with this blood clot I could bleed out and die.  I had to wait.  So they made me comfortable and after a few hours I began blood transfusions.  My husband had to take care of all 3 kids including a breastfed newborn on his own.  I am going through the worst pain in life, holding onto life, and worrying about feeding my daughter.  I had the best nurses, they would actually pump my breast for me so my child could get what she needed.  I was in the hospital for over a week.  I am just super glad to be alive.

I was still under a doctor’s watchful eye for about 6 months following that encounter.  I still get migraines and when I do it’s an immediate call to my doctor.  The blood clot hasn’t gotten bigger or disappeared so its something I have to always be aware.  I breastfed this little girl and took her to work everyday for 6 months.  Yes to work with me.  I handled an office, clients, and nursed a newborn without missing a beat.  Then at 6 months we put her in daycare with her brother and she won’t drink from a bottle.  I had made enough milk for her but she wouldn’t drink.  It got bad that we had to give her diluted apple juice until I got home.  When it began apparent with no matter what we did, I had to temporarily work from home.  She kept nursing until a little after 2.  I prayed and asked God to help me wean her.  On tv, it always looks so easy but in real life it wasn’t at all. She has progressed well.  The only issue is that after my husband had been home with her right after birth when we came home she wouldn’t go to him or anyone else.  I mean no one.  You could hold her for tops 5 minutes.  She was a mommy’s girl.  Now a days, she’s a daddy’s girl and I am still struggling with that.  I wanted her and still want her to be more independent and trust and believe shes’ getting there but I do miss the snuggle days.

Noelle is a ball of fire.  She gives the best side eyes.  She has attitude and if she doesn’t like she doesn’t act fake.  She just walks off like she didn’t hear you but she does.  She is lovable.  She has the sweetest face in the world and knows you know she is cute.  She is our little love bug and we are happy that we have gotten through these challenges.  The best thing I got out of the whole thing was a feisty, beautiful, and intelligent little girl.  She is the last thing our family needed and we didn’t know we did.  I love that little munchkin and I almost gave my life for her.  So happy 3rd birthday to my little noodle, Noelle.

Why I am not being nice to Side Chicks

Today is side chick appreciation day.  This is the day when the memes come out hard.  I heard someone say that we should be nice to a side chick and this is my response to that, hell naw I won’t.  I know that came a bit left but that is my real life rated G version of my response.  Why should anyone feel sorry for a side chick.  Often times side chicks can be side blinded.  The men who side line a side chick really are a piece of work. This means that not only do you not respect your wife or girl but you don’t respect the one you messing with to come correct and at best tell them they are a side chick.

Now the issue with the side chick first let me deal with the man first than I will bring this thing back to full circle.  You have NO game.  Its sad but the reality is that some side chicks will play their “part.”  Yes you can find a raggedy woman who is patiently waiting on the sidelines for any love before she turns up with no love.  This I will address when I swing almost literally to the side chick herself.  If you as a man really had it like that you could tell that side chick that she’s a side chick and she may go for the okie doke.  But often times that side chick is lied to just as much as the lie the man is keeping with his committed girlfriend and wife.  Um let me just say you don’t have enough dick or money to entertain one woman let alone more than one.  Straight like that, no chasers today.  I am not coming from a bitter been burnt by side chick games either but the truth is the truth. So while you may get away with the game of hurting the one you are with you will find out sometimes when it’s too late that it’s not worth it.

Image result for eye roll gif

The chances of your woman taking you back is slim or at least it should be.  Ladies I know some men go to counseling and attempt to do better but you better be 1000% sure you can handle that.  The amount of distrust that is done after someone cheats is unimaginable.  If you are the type that brings that back up a million times, you would be better off leaving that cheating man and sending him a clear message that this type of behavior is not acceptable with you than to stay and drag yourself and him through it.  If one of you should go through the ringer shouldn’t it be the one who committed the offense?

Image result for side chick gif

Now to the actual side chick or side dude especially the ones who know.  Why?  Like legitimately why? There isn’t another man who isn’t already connected?  This one that appears like a good catch is the one?  What makes him or her a good catch?  Cheating is a turn on?  He or she won’t do that to you right?  Like for real, what is your motivation.  You are dipping yourself sometimes literally in the same pot.  That doesn’t seem sexy to me. So the nights like Valentine’s Day when a man or woman can’t make a viable excuse for not being home, what do you do?  Hold your pillow tight?  Look at your gifts he had to send to you because he’s not there loving you.  Let me guess, you think he’s not with his wife or her husband?  I know that’s what they told you.  How come he or she hasn’t left their wife or husband?  Your stuff not bomb enough to make him roll?  Oh yeah the kids, yeah that’s called an excuse.  No one should ever stay for the kids.

Image result for side chick gif

Listen if being second to the main is good for you, than you will never have much.  No one cares about your place.  You have none.  Once that wife and husband finds out trust me they are going to make your side boo’s life hell.  Once that happens the spark you once saw won’t be as strong as you think.  They the wife and husband and your boo will blame you. This isn’t anything new that you haven’t heard its just time out for being the sloppy second to another woman or man’s main.  Let people figure their relationships out without being the one sliding in between them.

So not I don’t sorry for a side piece today.  You get what you deserve.

Image result for side chick gif

My Weight Loss Journey

So Happy Valentine’s Day. Today is February 14th.  I am super excited among all the candy and treats that will be thrown around today to talk about my weight loss journey. I didn’t signal this out on purpose.  I am currently down another size in my clothes and who wouldn’t be excited about that?

After having my 3rd baby almost 3 years ago in the beginning from just birth and breast-feeding I lost over 60 pounds in about less than 6 weeks. No lie.  I went into my pre-pregnant clothes almost immediately.  A larger part of that was being in the hospital post birth for complications that occurred the day I was released to go home.  I will talk more about that this week as we get closer to my daughter’s birthday this Friday.  So if you ever spent any time in the hospital you know you are guaranteed to lose weight at least in my experience.  I got so many compliments about how drastic and fast my weight loss was but fast forward to about 6 months ago when I could no longer use breast feeding and a “new” baby to hide my weight.

My daughter will be 3 this Friday and I literally can say I stopped breast-feeding her at age 2.  I did everything to wean her but it wouldn’t work.  One of the things about breast feeding is you drop weight but at some point I started eating more to make more milk especially when I was storing milk.  My daughter went to work with me everyday until she was 6 months so I began storing milk for when she would return to daycare.  It was a good plan and I had plenty of milk for her however, she didn’t and wouldn’t drink from a bottle. NO one prepared me for that.  Eventually I had to stop working among the fact that my medical condition from her birth wasn’t resolving.  The amount of calories began to add up and especially when you are consuming the wrongs one in the name of “feeding the baby.”  I began to look like I actually was having another one and I wasn’t.

Image result for food glutton gif

In the beginning when I started this weight loss journey I had more people asking me if I was pregnant than when I was actually at my heaviest.  I am talking about co-workers who see me daily.  Those piercing words to a woman who is one losing and is not pregnant can be hurtful.  Shout out to my girls who picked me up on those crushing days.  It really means and meant the world to me. So now back to today.  It’s Valentine’s Day and all kinds of goodies are in this office.  However I have a set plan for which ones I will and will not indulge.  So I am good on that.  No distractions will take place.  My husband sent me an edible arrangement this morning because he knows what I am trying to do and he supports it.  His card had me dying because he literally said those words.  I can appreciate it that he’s not on team sabotage as I continue this journey.  Today I have on one of my favorite black pants.  I had to use my head scarf to make a belt because feel too lose.  Hey it was either that or look and feel uncomfortable and that wasn’t happening.  How my clothes fit is how I choose to monitor my progress. Yes I am being weighed by licensed professionals weekly but how I look and feel during this is what is important to me too. Yes weekly I am killing it at my weigh-in but the fact that things are getting looser and not more snug is key too.

Image result for weight loss gif

I will share my weight as well as total weight lost when I get closer to my first mental check point which is before my birthday trip in May.  That is my first initial goal. That is when I will let you in on the numbers.  So for those who are in this journey to a better you and are still going strong, New Year’s Resolution or not, Valentine’s day or not, keep pushing.  My water intake has doubled, my exercise is still going strong, and everyday I am getting stronger.  Keep pushing!

Sunday Blues

Am I the only one who spends their Sundays trying to get their entire life together? Literally from running around getting the house cleaned, meal prepping, church, relaxation  (whenever I can), laundry, etc there are not enough hours in one day. So as I shuffle around trying not to lose my composure I decided to let what can be, be.

The reality is that I have gotten to the point where my kids can assist. That means I wash and fold and they put away. They clean their own toys and we employ “help mommy time.” Help mommy time is when the kids do the chores that are age appropriate at the same time and that cuts my clean time down dramatically. Yes it works every time. I make the “church announcement” and bam things are set in motion. I did this after years of burning myself out while others were enjoying themselves.  Nope not going to happen.

So what are ways you enjoy your Sunday? Since I meal prep I like to do my Target and my Produce Junction run. I’m from Lancaster so fresh fruit and veggies are a must. Produce Junction is the closest to that home feel without going to Whole Foods and handing over my whole paycheck. No disrespect to Whole Foods but I got to plan my trips. My trips to get fresh fruit and veggies ensures that I cut down on buying food during the week and my food is prepped the way I want. 

Tonight is the Grammy’s so I will most likely still be shuffling around getting it done and rocking out to music. I do not put anymore pressure but believe before I go to bed, it will be done. I love Sundays and I know I’m not the only one wishing I had a little more Sundays in the weekend. Something about Sunday relaxes my spirit. I intentionally try to grab me a hot drink to sip and take it in.  So take a moment out of the hustle to enjoy the ones around you. Laundry will be there but loving yourself and keeping your wits is priceless.  

Insomnia, ToiTime’s Way: Valentines Warning

Okay picture this it was 2005 and I had been out of college for a few years.  So I had met my Mr. Right Now and he had me in an outer body experience.  I hadn’t introduced him to my family.  I kept a low profile.  We had been dating for a little while.  He was the exact mix of man I liked.  He was spiritual, handsome, strong, could be casual and his suits well that’s how he got me.  He smelled good, he opened doors, he had the right amount of hood in him and he was around my age.  He could talk about the Lord but wasn’t too churchy not to have a drink and cut a rug.  He was just everything….then.

So he wined and dined me.  I kept him as a low profile but I felt like he had that potential I needed in my mid 20’s.  I kept my options open.  Why not? He and I were casual in this.  Well Valentines day is coming around.  He made plans for us.  I am intrigued because reality is I didn’t know if I was going to have to meet up with friends, hang with my favorite cousin, or get asked out by a new guy.  I know what you ae thinking?  This heifer out here juggling two men and I can’t even get one.  Not so much.  You can get who you want but I was about to juggle two men.  I was single.  That is what single folks do.

However after a wonderful night with Mr. Right Now he takes me home.  Nothing but a simple kiss is exchanged.  Nothing.  I got questions because after the back and forth something should have went down.  But it doesn’t.  Sorry momma.  So I change my clothes.  I call a cousin.  My cousin agrees to meet me and we go to a bar.  I decided let me throw on some flats.  I run into Mr. Right Now but he doesn’t see me.  There he is with his ex.  Now he don’t owe me an explanation, he’s free to do him.  BUT in my 20s I wasn’t set up like that.  So I see a guy I knew and told him I needed him to walk to the bar and basically get me a drink. Why?  I didn’t want Mr. Right Now to see me.  So he gets me that drink.  I am sipping and basically if Uber had been in business than I would have needed their services.  My cousin is just as toasty as I am. I send a text.  I get a response that he is at home. Que? Naw son you across the bar.  So I am on the most stalker type at this point.  It was  bad.  It wasn’t until the next day as I had to call off since I was up ALL night that I realized, one I had fallen hard for Mr. Right Now, I could work for the CIA, or the reality is that Mr. Right Now was just that.  So I get a call from Mr. Right Now and he tells me he wants to be more than casual friends.  The time from my stalking night was about a week. In that week I found out a few lies that my gut knew wasn’t right. I wont get into all the details but trust and believe I had pretty much believed in the mirage and smoke screen I was being shown.  I hadn’t asked the right question.  The woman Mr. Right Now was with wasn’t his ex, it was his wife.  I dodged a bullet.  I wasn’t unattractive, he just wasn’t fully able to commit when he hadn’t learned to commit to his wife.

He played all the right cards.  He knew what he was doing.  He appealed to what I wanted.  He had the right shell but he wasn’t for me.  This Valentine’s Day don’t be fooled by Mr. Right Now.  They come with flowers and trinkets.  They come with bells and whistles.  He made it look as if I was the main chick and told “his” truth.  He wasn’t ready for a committed relationship.  He didn’t make the one he was in work either.  It’s not worth a night of insomnia wondering, stalking, having a wet behind from uncommitted sex, or the stress of trying to lock down someone when the one who is for you, will never play you, make you look crazy, or make you wonder where you stand.  Don’t play the fool.

Let Love Be Great!

So this is the weekend when most people will take their significant others out and show them love.  Let me just say that everyone doesn’t celebrate this “man-made” holiday however let me encourage all in a few home keeping details.

  1. Just because you don’t celebrate doesn’t mean you have to do the whole “it’s not a big deal” on everyone who is celebrating’s social media pages.  I can’t tell you how many times it irks to see this.  I am not calling anyone who feels like this a hater because truth be told it is a man-made holiday, however stop being love killers because you either have love and don’t care, don’t have love, or just by your nature need to be a negative Nancy.
  2. Just because you do celebrate and you want to shower yourself, your loved ones in love do not shun those who do not celebrate.  Basically let people be great either way and do what works for you.
  3. This is not the time to jump on status that is not about you to tell everyone either way how miserable you are or less it’s an open-ended question, a poll, or you’re apart of a group that is asking.  This is code for stop with the unsolicited information so the world can know which side you are on.  Trust and believe if its unwarranted people don’t really want to know and that’s real.
  4. Married people, just because you live with you mate and you don’t make it a big deal in your home, its okay for other married people to indulge and vice versa.  This “holiday” isn’t just for those in the dating world and still trying to get “some.”  Some people need these types of holidays to be a bit more expressive than they would normally. Let folks live.  Marriage should be celebrated daily but let’s be real most don’t and little reminders of love in ANY forms can keep folks from the divorce line.
  5. Realize that the single folks that swore of relationships will showcase what they got just to let themselves or others know.  Guess what? Even if you feel a way about it, its okay for them to do that.  If one day our country can focus on spending a few bucks to tell whomever they want they love them, although love is free I say let them.  In this hate filled world I would rather see expressions of love than the hate that is quicky spread like wildfire.
  6. Pray for those who have lost love.  While some are looking down for those who do or do not celebrate there is a widow who misses the times when their significant other showered them.  Also the newly separated and divorced grieve during this time as well.  Learn to show compassion.
  7. Single folks try and this is a big try because let’s be honest its easy for me to say try when I don’t live that life anymore but try to find ways to celebrate you, celebrate in groups, or enjoy the day. I know that again its hard to do but don’t go batty for one day and putting your life and what life means into this one day. There will be a lot of flowers and candy going out to significant others who don’t even mean their mates well.
  8. Show love daily.  I love to hear the men especially complain about this holiday but if you ask them when was the last time they did the little things you can only hear crickets.  Do not be fooled into thinking that if you buy into this holiday that your relationships no matter which ones they are will be perfect because it won’t.  The thought behind the idea is to show that you love and want to do something nice for the one you love.
  9. LADIES, please get you man something.  Yes more than a sappy card.  Be just as creative as you want him to be.  What makes you think that just because he says I am good that he really is.  Try finding ways to make his day easier.  How about treat him too.  Too many men complain about what they do and they remember the times when it wasn’t given in return.  Men want to be shown just as much as we do. Step up your game this year.
  10. Be creative for those you love. I send things to my single friends, my grandmother, my nieces, parents, etc.  It doesn’t have to cost an arm and a leg to say hey, you’re loved today and everyday.  Think outside the box.

 

Enjoy your Valentine’s Day weekend!!  Remember don’t find yourself loving on someone else’s mate.  This is not the time to be a celebrated side piece.  Remember side pieces gets ransacked candy and broken hearts.  Invest in someone who is all into you and you alone. Being a part of and being the only one are two different things.

 

Image result for minions love gif

Get Your Ass Home

So recently my husband celebrated his birthday with a birthday trip with some of his closest friends.  Now I am team enjoy your birthday and before we married we took trips separately etc.  So him going away wasn’t a big deal.  I am usually with the kids not because he isn’t a hands on dad but our schedules and how our life is set up that’s just how the cookie crumbles.  I think every parent needs time apart from their kids.  I think every couple needs some alone time as well to renew their mind. I think it makes the relationship and familyship healthier as well.

This particular trip took me for a whirlwind.  I enjoy my kids. However in the midst of his trip we are in the process of moving as well.  By the way we are still packing and prepping for that move.  So between my work schedule, my kids social schedule, and packing boxes to say that I was a bit overwhelmed is an understatement.  It was natural and normal for me to feel but I learned  few things about myself during his absence.

My anxiety was the most increased at night.  I don’t know if it was because I am used to him being there or not but it was.  I found that I went to bed with the kids for a few good reasons other than just being tired.  However I couldn’t sleep and that bothered me.  I get missing your significant other but I really do not want to get into a pattern where I can not do the things I would normally do at night or in the day because he is not in the home.  To me and this is MY opinion I do not want to get to the point in my relationship where I become co-dependent.  To others this could be nearly a temporary feeling and one would just move on but when we were in college I used to wait for him to do the least bit of things.  So I am super aware of getting into these ruts where I literally will wait for him to suggest a move.  So the first night I was uptight.  By the second night I found myself forcing myself to get past my temporary feeling and simply exist and be okay with that.

Image result for exhausted gif

The second thing I noticed was that my patience meter was low.  Now for someone who has their kids all the time one would think this trip would be no big deal but this time it wasn’t.  I had to find ways to go into my bathroom and shut my door to gather my thoughts.  It may be that their level of missing their dad and some anxiety I had been rubbing them and me the wrong way.  I have never in all of my almost 8 years had to shut myself in a closet to stop from hearing my little people’s request.  They were truly making up stuff. Asking if they could take a boat trip, wanting food we don’t even normally eat, and wanting to go everywhere.  Whew.  I am grateful for being in control of my emotions but I swear I had dip mentally to another place.  Everyone who knows me knows I am the queen of ideas and my kids are never bored but truth moment I was exhausted, overworked, and overwhelmed.  I am okay with admitting to that it was what it was.

Image result for exhausted gif

What I did to get through it other than take a few more time outs that I usually don’t have to take was dance parties.  I turned the music up and me and the kidlets let loose.  We had a blast and it allowed them to get their sillies out making it much easier to deal with them. We ate great food and I didn’t cook much.  I cook just about everyday and this time during his trip we went on a mini vacation.  So bring on all the bad good food.  Why? Because we could.  We enjoyed every bit of it.  I also played a lot of games.  Yes, games and keeping the kids and me distracted instead of hearing the words, “when is daddy coming home” saved us.  I also watched a lot of good movies that I had been wanting to see.

So when the day came for my husband to come back the grin on my face was super wide.  It wasn’t that I just missed him but knowing that even if I am doing a super lot for my family. There is huge comfort in knowing he’s around.  Even for the nights he works super late and misses bedtime with the kids etc he’s always there as a comfort in our home.  I am super happy he is home.  I am super glad until the next trip he may take that I am well prepared for my emotions and my anxiety will be a lot better.  I am not attempting to be super mom.  Every super woman and super woman can and will experience what I felt during his trip.  I am tuning into those feelings, acknowledging it and making more of a better and clear path for next time and until the tables turn for my birthday trip….

Image result for relieved gif