Marriage is a beautiful thing?! You get to wake up to the person you vowed to make it work with. You get to start a family with that person and buy a home together. Marriage is a commitment of two hearts beating together and flowing as one.
Doesn’t that sound wonderful? It does but, let’s pump them breaks before you fall head over hills. At a dinner party a few weeks ago I was talking to a few girlfriends and we were talking about marriage. You know women when you hit a certain age or start dating for a little minute family and friends will begin to ask: when you getting married? My girlfriends were telling me that they want to get married but had some goals they were working towards. I admired their drive both professionally as well as personally. I hit them with the real questions.
I asked what being married would mean to them? Were they prepared to do the work?! I told them marriage isn’t for everyone and of course to not go into it lightly. They said they have heard all of those things before. I told them that marriage on the outside looking in looks like it’s super easy. What’s not to love, a man for the most part buys a ring and in some way ask you to be his wife? Just the proposal can be almost nostalgic.
Fast forward to the preparations for the wedding day of flowers, dresses, and menu selections and a woman will glow brighter than a glow worm. But no matter how much you absolutely love this man there will be some key issues to think.
Do you want to have them? Does he? How will you raise them? What are your core values? What religion will they be? How will you split holidays between the family? Discipline? Who takes care of them? (You thought both husband and wife-think again)
You may want to be clear on those questions before you walk down the aisle if having or not having children are in your horizon. When you have children in a marriage you will be tested. Ask any set of parents about how children changes you as a person, it will change you as a couple as well. What happens when you can’t go on that date night? What about when your needs are secondary and your kids and mate seem to take over? Think about it before that piece of bling graces your hands. If you think oh we just can’t wait to have babies and we work everything out together and will be fine-I would second guess this thing for you. It’s not that your relationship goes to hell in a hand basket but if you aren’t being realistic you are setting yourself up quick.
You know we as women whether you are size 22 or 2 make sure we are the best representatives of ourself on our wedding day. It doesn’t matter if you get married at the court house or in a penthouse. The prep for that day is real. I know of brides going all the way out for that special look and you should. Have you thought and really asked your mate how he would feel if you gained weight. I know your boo will love you no matter what right. Maybe, but for some men body changes can be a turn off in the bedroom. I know there will be women reading this and saying well if he don’t love me big or small to hell with him I don’t want him. That’s a cute. Men are visual beings and so you won’t be able to get away with the whole you still love me alone. It might take you coming out your comfort zone and really keeping yourself up. I know I’ve heard it before you shouldn’t have to do that type of work. You may want to reconsider marriage since marriage is work. Every woman and man in a relationship will have body issues that come into question. Remember this is the person you will live with for the rest of your life. When you are married and the first time your husband doesn’t look at you the same as he had before I hope you remember this blog cause it will happen.
When you get married your new husband may have the best job in the world. Can you deal when that man loses a job and his ego is called into question?! Will you be the type that will support him? Will you not judge him? If you are working will you let him borrow a few dollars or step up without talking down to your girlfriends about him? If you lose your job and money start looking funny will you be ok with him doing it all. You might say duh why wouldn’t I? You would be surprised at how some can’t take a man doing anything for them let alone taking care of it all cause they can take care of themselves. Finances are a big issue. What about if you are a spender and he’s a saver? Will you have separate, joint or separate and joint accounts for bill paying? How will the household bills be split? What about setting amounts to ask permission to spend or not? What are your financial goals as a couple? Is your new husband expected to pay for dates still? Money have so many ramifications and its good to be crystal clear before you tie the knot.
It would be nice if you were a virgin and have nothing to compare to-I applaud you. But I know for most that may not be there situation. You can’t be comparing your husband to another man when he don’t perform the way you want him to? Wait, wait you didn’t think men have issues in the bedroom. Yes I know when you and him met that chemistry was off the chain. Your honeymoon was rocking and for that first few years you couldn’t keep your hands off of him, but then change happens. He’s not feeling up to par could be finances, stress or tiredness and then you go to put it on him and bam he’s like not tonight or falls askew on you. I know as ladies we can’t talk about sex for real cause we are the only ones capable of having issues and that man is expected to perform.
What happens when you as a woman has more than your “headache and cramp” excuse and really just don’t feel sexy anymore. How is your mate to respond? Not every man cheats but folks can before intolerant of not being intimate with their wife just like a wife can be of her husband.
Back to not feeling sexy. What if you lose your sexual edge like you once did? Gasp, that happens?!
Couples who just have a way of knowing what each other think is so stinking cute? Of course we are talking about an outside perspective. It’s rare that couples don’t have disagreements. For some when they were dating it seems that the man just always knew what to say to make that woman open up about anything. What will you do when in marriage your mate becomes distant and doesn’t communicate properly? What about those fights or increased fights? What about when you would rather not even see let alone speak to your mate? Sometimes in marriage these things happen and how you deal with it will make or break things.
Ever hear your married friend or if you are the married woman say he just doesn’t seem to talk to me anymore. I’m sure they didn’t see that ever happening. But it does happen. Communication and money are the two main reasons couples break up.
This is really a small question set that can affect marriage but mostly married folks talk amongst themselves. When you get married you are encouraged if you went to a descent marriage counselor to interact with other married couples. However since the world isn’t married it’s very rare that you wouldn’t have a single girlfriend. Since like myself I am married I have single girlfriends who talk about marriage in a utopia manner. I don’t kill their joy about marriage either. Everyone should experience marriage if that’s their desire. However since we ladies love to connect we should connect in a healthy way and be honest amongst ourselves. So the next time you are amongst a married woman just ask them how they really feel about marriage. You will get different variations-some love being married, some will wish they were single if they are mad at their mate, and some may actually surprise you with the honest truth. Gleam what bits are for you and leave the rest but when it comes to what you should ask or think about before marriage this is a good start.
Marriage is work and it can be a wonderful thing but keep in mind that if you aren’t really ready don’t do it cause your biological clock is ticking. Don’t get married just cause it seems like the next phase. Be clear with yourself and know you will change in the marriage once in. When you see a married woman don’t idolize her trust me that new last name came with challenges. Ask your girlfriends!