Ask Toi: (first one from a man)-my 30 year old wife will not have sex with me

Well this is a treat.  Men don’t usually get caught up in women blogs but hey I’m not mad at you.  In order to get advice on a woman asking another woman who isn’t connected to your issue is best.

So you say your wife is 30 and she won’t have sex with you.  My counter question would be did you ask her why?

Don’t give me side eye on she should know.  Women are natural mulitaskers and so it can happen that an area can be neglected from time to time.

I’m 33 and married so I’m around her same age.  Do you have children is my next question?  Raising kids can be demanding.  There are a thousand and one ways a woman’s attention can be pulled.  Ask a woman what it looks like when they are trying to get a shower or go to the bathroom alone and little people seem to follow.  It’s not pretty and sometimes pretty annoying. 

What are new changes that your wife has? New project, training a new co worker, new promotion? Another set of distractions that can easily take your wife’s attention.

Now to the hard questions?  What are you doing to facilitate action in the bedroom?  You know as men you have that physical attraction need and women have that attention need.  Yes when you speak your wife’s attention needs it does something for her.  Just like that sexy lingerie that you need to get the fire started she needs thoughtful attention to get hers going.

Have you ever heard about the saying that nothing is sexier to an overworked woman like some extra hands around the house.  What, gasp.  Yes you giving the kids a bath, washing the dishes, etc can actually do some wonders and leave some extra time for the bedroom.

Have you ever thought about romancing your wife?  Yes even with tight coins the very art of seduction and romance goes a long way.  No money for flowers, candy, etc how about a chick flick, making dessert after the kids go down together, or wait for it hand holding.  Yes men don’t always turn on the hugging, kissing, and just general attention enough. 

Your wife could be suffering from hormonal issues too.  We are so wired differently that at times women can have low libido due to a change in hormones.  During these times it may be necessary to encourage a little more delicacy and maybe even a doctor visit as well.  Caution when brining up sexual needs be aware just like you as a man don’t want that “ego” bruised don’t bruise hers either. 

The part you may not want to hear? Is your wife bored with the kind of sex you are having.  Men have the pleasure with being able to be satisifed at times quicker than women.  Timing is everything.  If you are a minute man than I suggest you find a way to stimuate her in other ways.  Just like most men to have some spice in the bedroom so do women.  Women like sex just as much as men don’t buy into the myth that we dont.  If you are a one trick pony maybe a discussion outside or the bedroom is necessary.  Ask what she likes about your “game” and do that.

Back to this physical part.  I have a secret just like men need a little physical stimulation so do women.  Coming to the bedroom unshowered and ashy knees may not be enough.  You too will need to come correct.  We all like some random sex with our mate but every now and again some thought into the act goes a long way. 

My advice is armed with this information is to sit down in a calm fashion and simply ask.  Let your wife know you need this physical time with her and ask her what she needs from you to make it happen.  Remember you are married to her and although I can be general with things, you specifically know her well.

Your wife had to be attracted to you so before you start thinking what in the world is going on and let your mind lead you down a crazy path-simply ask and be open to discussion.  She may tell you a few things you aren’t prepared to hear.  Take them and work out a plan and be respectful to your wife. 

Always make sure you show your wife not just tell her that she’s still the best thing that happened to you.  You should be showing her that she still has it and you are attracted to her.

I’m sure in no time you can start that flame again. 

Toitime a place for empowerment-hurry back!


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