Ask Toi: My boyfriend will not commit?

When you say he won’t commit this sounds like girl code to he won’t marry you.  I don’t know how long you have been together so I personally can’t comment on whether or not a man should have married you by now or not. 
I can help you sift through your thinking.  For me when I was dating my threshold for the marriage talk was two years.  Yes I know there is a woman side eyeing this right now but let’s keep this real.  In the first 6 months to a year you are only dating a person’s representative.  Yes you are still in the wining and dining phase.  The phase when even a man’s negative points still are cute.  After that first year of serious dating you begin to see the real side of them.  You get to get in a real argument where you want to or you do walk off. 

Men know if you are wife material.  They may not have their stuff together ie for men that means a home, money or job where they want to visualize that next step but believe me you they know.  Now in my home growing up my parents always made it clear to know my worth.  My worth wasn’t attached to being a man’s accessory.  So for me I couldn’t imagine being with someone for 5 years and not ever having the marriage conversation. 

You need to be aware of what you want and if you want to marry this man and he doesn’t seem to have the same timing, I would communicate this desire to your man.  Now hear me clearly you don’t want to throw out the I’m going to leave you if you don’t talk, but do communicate.

I would be open and honest that you would like to know what his vision for your relationship is and see what he says.  Do not guide this conversation at all.  After he tells you whatever it is he believes is his vision, don’t go off of if it doesn’t match yours.  No your only objective is to share your vision, hear his and then sit on it. 

Now when I dated my husband I let him know that after 2 years I wouldn’t be sitting on a hope and a maybe.  My situaiton was different – we had a baby and had dated for years before and my intentions years ago had not changed.  I wasn’t one for dating for something to do, I was dating for marriage. 

After you have sat on what he said you have to really think about if you two are on the same page.  You make your decision on what you want and not to make him change how he thinks.  Ladies, don’t take my advice as a oh imma get him to marry me by leaving.  It won’t work you will be emailing me asking me why he didn’t after your talk.  You make your decision after thinking, and praying because you want more or different.

Be realistic as well.  If you are both in college getting a degree than a 2 year plan isn’t ideal.  You should be focused on graduation and accomplishing your goals.  If you are fresh out of high school and haven’t even left your mom’s home then marriage shouldn’t be in your vocabulary.  I know plenty of couples who married young but it’s a small case of the young and married that survive. 

This two year plan should be in affect when you as a woman is bringing to the table more than your hips and thighs.  You should be just as established as your man should be.  You should be bringing maturity, ability to cook, clean, and some worldly knowledge.  So if you one of those I’m not cooking for no man he better cook women-good luck.  You still lack the maturity that is necessary to receive a husband.  In order to talk marriage make sure you are wife material. 

Please keep it real within yourself and always make decisions that are best for you.  Make sure you are wife material and that you are coming to the table with everything that man should have which is stability, job, maturity, ability to love, and compassion to make a marriage work.  If you aren’t ready don’t put pressure on a man to be ready either.  However if after you come right and he’s not there and you have prayed and don’t want to do the 5 year shuffle leave only for your reasons and never to make any man change cause trust me they won’t nor should they.

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