Ask Toi: My husband verbally abuses me as well as recently punched me

Now as I write this, it breaks my heart that women are in situations that subjects them and their children to be in unsafe conditions.

Before I continue I would start off by saying that abuse of any kind is never ok.  Since you are abused I would suggest that you talk to someone you can trust as well as get help by calling  1-800-799-safe.  This hotline is available 24 hours a day.  I’m serious and willing to get you in touch with someone who can help you immediately.

I don’t know you but what I do know is that you need to get help and fast.  One thing that an abuser does is attack your self esteem.  They will overtime break you down to where you feel you can’t confide in anyone.  They isolate you from your friends and they usually have some type of hold on you often times being in the form of money. 

You say you got married at an early age and are a stay at home mom.  That’s not something that’s unusual in this market and economy.  Being that you are a stay at home mom and your husband is harming you and controlling you is very unique but typical.

You probably have been told everything from not being pretty enough to you have been out the work force for so long who would hire you.  Unfortunately your husband is a coward and has used your love for him to control you and mess with your self esteem.  He’s probably your world.  You can’t see past him cause even when he’s mean he comes back and shows so much love and affection.  That’s the game.  Abusers will make you feel that you didn’t do something and therfore they reacted in a way and if you only straighten up they could be the man you need.

You need to leave.  It’s one thing to work out your marriage because of minor infractions but abuse isn’t minor.  Abuse is serious and you must treat it as such.  You have kids.  I don’t know if they are boys or girls but that environment is no place for children.  He’s already called you out your name in front of your kids so they have been affected by this.

As a mother we strive to give our kids the best.  Can you say with confidence that you are when this man is harming you.  Now since I try to be as honest and I can let me say this: if you aren’t inclined to leave like so many women do, let me offer you some helpful suggestions. 

Being a stay at home with no money doesn’t mean that you don’t have rights.  Calling a local domestic abuse shelter for immediate shelter is vital.  If you have a male in your life that you can talk to I would.  If I called my mother and told her I was being abused outside of calling my dad to come and make things happen she would also advise me the following:

Get a plan

If you are planning to leave the worst thing is to just leave blind without a plan.  Get together important paperwork.  Keep packed clothes for you and the children in a safe place.  Obtain a separate bank account and have the mail forwarded to a friend you trust.  Any allowances given only use what’s necessary and put the rest in that account.  Get and obtain a disposable cell and keep minutes on it at all times.  Don’t give this number to anyone but a small network of close friends and family.  If you have your own car get another set of keys made and keep with the spare clothes. 

I know there’s a woman saying tell her to leave with nothing she don’t deserve it.  Listen yes that’s what I would do however since domestic abuse is something where some women don’t have the courage to leave helping her have an exit plan is the way to empower.

When you plan to leave isn’t in the middle of the night while he’s sleeping the time to leave is in the daytime while he’s at work.  However if your very life is in jeopardy leaving when you can make a break for it will work too. 

Your husband getting help is great but my concern isn’t about his help right now as much as you getting out safely.  Sometimes even telling a pastor or male that your husband respects helps on the surface but often times can make matters worst.

I know you want to be loyal to him in spite of what some other women reading this may think.  Leaving your husband and starting over is devastating.  It would feel like the worst thing in the world to do right now, but unless you tap into yourself right now, I fear something far worse would be on the horizon.  If you can’t do it for yourself please look at your children. Think about what would their life be like without your presence.  How would that make you feel? 

One of the things that make domestic abuse hard is as I conclude the person being abused knowing it’s abuse.  Sometimes we lose our way and we don’t get that we are in harms way because often times the abuse was was a gradual progression.  We often lie to ourselves first than friends that over time things will get better.  We without truth at times to love ones out of fear of being judged.  We rely on hope that love will conquer all.  Even if all of these things had any validity once physical abuse comes into play it’s time to save ourselves.

If you or someone you love is going through this, empower them.  Encourage her to seek help.  Get involved by getting her the resources she needs.  Keep in mind that you can’t make her leave but you have to be able to help her with an action plan.  Please be sensitive but serious.  If you know a friend is actively being abused call 911 always for help.


One thought on “Ask Toi: My husband verbally abuses me as well as recently punched me

  1. Excellent advise and as a male it pains me to see a woman accepting this type of behavior. I commend you for reaching out and I hope you take the amazing advise written on this blog. Remember it’s not your fault, this is not how love looks and it’s not a situation you would want your own children to be in so be the example of what to do and LEAVE. You guys can’t move on as a couple until he gets real help and that will take time. Time you need to be away making sure you and your children are safe. Be blessed. > > >


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