Ask Toi: Should I Marry my Boyfriend now that we are expecting?

That’s an age-old question.  Back in the days of our parents and grandparents if we laid down and got pregnant we got married no questions asked.  Even growing up I would hear the phrase “don’t make her a mother if you can’t make her a wife.”

There’s a lot to be said for a man who once you tell him you are pregnant that he felt the need to do the “right thing” especially since there are more strollers than weddings, but I would like to offer a different perspective.

Babies don’t help relationships that are already in trouble.  This misconception that the baby will make you stronger is a true myth.  Babies that come into relationships where both parents aren’t willing to work will just bring about more stress.

If you and your boyfriend weren’t discussing on a serious note about marriage before the baby I would say wait.  Marriage is work and trying to adjust to a new baby and becoming a wife when you’re not ready isn’t a good idea.  Now if you say but I love him… count up the cost.  Will you love him through all the stages of marriage?  Talk with your boyfriend and be clear he too is clear on marriage and ready to do the work.  Consult with another seasoned married couple you and your boyfriend trust.

Seasoned couples are the ones who have been married for at least 10 years who have been through some things and still love one another.  Then consult with a newly married couple so they can provide you perspective on those first years when they were most likely ready to throw in the towel.  Now add it up and add in sleepless nights, no free range date nights, overworked parents and be honest with yourself.

It’s better to have your boyfriend be there as a co parent and cross that hurdle than to get married and mess up the relationship.  I can’t make that decision for you but as I’ve tried to provide you some other ways of looking at things.  Can you make it through it all with a baby in tow? Most definitely but count up the cost of what it will all mean beyond just the love you have for your man right now.  Good luck to you and your new bundle of joy!

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