Love worth fighting for

Arguments are inevitable when you’re working with another person.  You come into situations with your own opinions and ways of doing things.  This alone can cause differences in how two people come to a common goal.

Let’s talk about fighting fair.  When you and your loved one gets into a disagreement, do you communicate effectively?  Do you immediately get defensive and begin to hit below the belt?  Do you bring up the past?  Do you say disrespectful things to get your partner upset?

From time to time I like to review television shows.  Today we are taking a look at the FYI series: Married at First Sight.  It’s a social experiment where couples are paired by professionals and then without ever seeing the partner the professional chose are legally married.  They have a ceremony, go on a honey moon, move in together, etc and in 6 weeks make a decision to stay married or to get a divorce.  This is the second season of the show and the cameras follow the couples around and capture these very intense moment of not only being newlyweds but getting to know one another.

Now I’m not sure if I would be able to marry someone sight unknown. I barely made it through with eyes wide open in marriage.  People often say the first year or 2 are usually the hardest.  I can agree with that sentiment.  Even if you have known that person for years and even lived with a person, marriage can be difficult.

The couple I will highlight out of the 3 couples on the show is Jessica and Ryan.  They are a good looking couple who love their family and made it clear that having the families blend was important to them.  The issue with them is that Ryan’s temper, and verbal abusive ways make it hard for Jessica to speak up.  Jessica is a lot more timid and struggles to find her voice.

When you add these two types of people together you will have one being berated often and one who doesn’t feel they need to respect their spouse and the outcome is disastrous.  Many couples are like Ryan and Jessica.  Even the most outspoken woman can lose their voice when dealing with an overpowering personality.

It’s so important to take the time instead of trying to be right to actually hear what your partner is trying to say.  I know men often state they can’t tap into emotions with their mate in an argument but it’s imperative to take the time to be there for your mate instead of overpowering the situation.  Ladies it’s also important to find your voice.  It’s not in the hollering either.  You need to be able to make your point and get your partner to hear you.  If you struggle in this area it’s best to take a time out and figure out your response than to waste time and nothing is getting accomplished.

When I got married since my husband and I knew each other in college and dated before, I figured marriage was just the next step and we wouldn’t have issues like most couples did.  I was wrong because I came in with issues of communication that didn’t matter how long we knew each other. 

Fights happen but everyone has to be in the same page of working it out.  Take my word when two aren’t on the same page it can and will end the relationship quicker than it started.  It’s definitely clear that Ryan is there to work things out with Jessica.  After his rant was over he went over and apologized to her and hugged her. Let me say that although a simple apology won’t  change it, it’s still a very important part of making things better.   An apology opens the door when your intentions are clear in being there for your spouse.

Now for those with an overpowering personality that takes over in relationships, it doesn’t make a person bad.  Some people are used to not being checked in situations and if you allow them they will take over everything. 

These are my suggestions for people  are in a partnership where they find their partner doesn’t listen to them:

1.  In the middle of a heated discussion where no progress is being made stop talking. People don’t generally argue with themselves.

2. Let the other person know that you haven’t been able to speak and let them know you respectfully heard their point and that you would like to talk with no interruptions

3. If either suggestions 1 or 2 haven’t worked than ask for a break.  It doesn’t mean that you aren’t going to talk about it, it just means that you need a break to allow cooler heads to prevail. 

4. Write down your points so you don’t get off tasks.  Sometimes your points are lost trying to defend a smart comment your partner has made.

5. Stay calm. The minute you escalate with your partner the situation will be equally hard to get back under control.

If you want to follow Ryan and Jessica story and see if they make it through this transitions tune into FYI: Married at First Sight on Tuesday nights at 9pm, EST. 

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