Ask Toi: Is It Okay to not Deal with my Mil?

Mother in laws aren’t always the monsters that you see in television or movies, but when they become disrespectful or hard to deal with a little space can go a long way. 

Ideally you would want to do all that you can to establish a relationship.  If you’re already married you might have had time before the marriage to get to know her ways and she yours.  After time you will know what you two click or don’t click on.  The goal isn’t to be her best friend.  The goal is to be cordial and get along. If you’re the lucky few, you will forge a relationship and your husband’s mother can be a wealth of support to you and your family.

Back on planet reality, since most mother in law questions usually don’t come from such a beautiful bond, than my advice is stellar.  Mother in laws often time feel a woman in their son’s life to be a threat.  She may genuinely may not like you.  You have to be able to be cordial and respectful at all times.  If you can and are having issues, take your mother in law to lunch and talk.  Sometimes a change in atmosphere will help you too talk about whatever issues are present.

If you can’t try not to get your husband to be the middle person.  He loves you both and you don’t want resentment on either side.  If it’s so bad than you will need to create space.  Always greet your mother in law when you see her.  Even if she rolls her eyes, or whatever you speak to people on the street right? Then it won’t cost you to be nice for a moment. 

Always stay classy.  Your husband mom isn’t going anywhere and you need to find a way to speak respectfully regardless it will say more about you than her.  I know it can be hard, but remember you don’t have to be your mother in laws best friend.

I know there are some that have cut their mother in laws off and don’t communicate to them at all, and I say to each their own.  What I will say is this, at some point unless you move from planet earth you will have to see them.  Always be the bigger person, smile, say hello and move on.  Also be careful of who you speak about her to.  You don’t want to continue fueling the situation with back and forth he/she said. 

No one deserves to be disrespected.  If she’s done that to you she was wrong and likewise you with her.  However you’re relationship will be affected by this relationship break, trust me ask any married couple and you will find that to be true.  Also when a situation comes up speak openly about it to your husband and then leave it alone.  No one wants to keep hearing about how bad their mother is day in and day out. 

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.  Leave out the well my family isn’t this and that, your family can offend just like his mother has you, remember the respect line. You don’t have to tolerate his mom’s respect but you don’t have to be nasty either.  You are only responsible for your actions – keep it classy.


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