Man Week: Happily Never Ever

Thank you for following this week on Man Week.  Today we speak to a man who is recently divorced from his wife of 5 years. Marriage is work however before entering that agreement shouldn’t be something that is done without thought. 

I’ll call this man Samuel to protect his identity as always.  Samuel married his wife about 6 years ago.  They were in love and had been with one another for approximately 4 years before tying the knot in a simple elegant ceremony surrounded by friends and family. 

A year into marriage their first child a daughter was born.  That’s when Samuel said everything changed.  His wife argued more and soon after decided to get marriage counseling.  During the process of counseling several issues were revealed including whether or not the couple should have gotten married.

Samuel was completely smitten by his bride.  After dating for 4 years, marriage seemed like the natural next step.  They went to premarital counseling but Samuel admits it was more just a familiarity than serious inquiry about the issues they would face in their impending nuptials.

Neither had talked about what their marriage would look like or had realistic goals.  Neither thought about any of these things until they found themselves sitting across a marriage counselor last June.  Samuel came to the conclusion that although he loved his wife he wasn’t ready for the real ever after.  His wife also revealed a relationship she started having after the birth of the child.  They decided that day to work on their issues but to also call it quits.

Samuel said right at that moment his life was forever changed.  He didn’t want to raise a child in a broken home and felt he had done wrong by his child by not exploring marriage in its entirety.  His wife and him talked about staying married for the sake of their child but knew it would just prolong the inevitable.

Today the couple is divorced and co-parenting.  They admit they have a working relationship and are really good friends.  They both came to the conclusion that they had love for one another but that love wasn’t the marriage love they thought.  They hadn’t developed their love to the place it needed to be to sustain a marriage. 

Samuel’s message to other men is not to get married because of how long you and your partner have been together.  There is no such thing as the next logical step.  What may seem like logical may turn out to be more harm than anything.  He urges men to really ask question and if they can’t see a real forever than don’t get married.  You have to be willing to go through the many phases of marriage good and bad.  If you are working on your marriage and really focused and adversity comes in, don’t run at first sight.  Samuel and his wife worked with a licensed counselor for more than 6 months before ending their marriage. 

Today he and his ex wife and his daughter have a solid system.  They are great friends and even recently Samuel was present at his ex wife engagement party to her new man.  Samuel credits the counselor for helping them work out their issues together and opening up their futures to better days ahead. 

Like I’ve always said, marriage isn’t an end game unless you want it to be.  There are many other couples like Samuel and his ex wife who get married in hopes that it will get them to want to be married and often times it does.  Love is a beautiful thing.  It’s part of the recipe that you will need to make a marriage last.  You will also have to roll up your sleeves and work.  People who say relationships aren’t work scare me.  No one is suggesting that marriage isn’t fun because it can be but it takes two people to be on the same page at the same time.  People change often so it takes people to keep their goal set refreshed and put something in the love pot in order to get something out. 

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