Ask Toi: What does it mean when my husband is quiet and not speaking to me?

This is a vague question since all men aren’t one in the same however silence doesn’t need to mean that there’s something wrong with you.

Often times it depends on the situation.  If your husband is generally quiet after work he could be simply relaxing his mind.  Men are problem solvers but after a work day they just need a moment to catch their breath.  Often times we as women don’t realize how vital giving a man a few moments is.  We rush in and want to talk about our day, the kids, etc and they are just wanting their minute. 

Did you two have an argument?  I sometimes excuse my husband’s unwillingness to not talk about what we were arguing with that of him not wanting to talk to me.  They are two different things.  If he said he didn’t want to talk to you than you have a bigger issue. Either way I would give him a moment of space.

No one should the silent treatment to gain leverage either way.  I grew up where silent treatments were deadlier than punishments. If you feel your husband is doing the same thing and you both have had a moment to cool down then bring it up to him.  Start off by saying I noticed we haven’t talked in awhile is there a reason for this. 

Is your husband stressed?  It’s not an excuse but a real reality.  Job, money, relationship, etc are all stressors that can make anyone shut down.  He really could just be trying to figure things out.

Although some would say don’t go to bed angry and I believe in that notion, the reality is that you can’t make another person open up.  However when the chance of openness comes up you definitely need to speak up on how the silence doesn’t help the two of you to grow together.

The one thing I don’t want you to do is to internalize this into a whoa is me issue.  Women generally stress over every detail of the relationship.  We can sometimes over analyze every head nod, etc.  Find better ways to come together so you can communicate better.

Here are my suggestions:

1. Give each other the floor without interruption.  Both partners need to have 10-15 minutes to speak their hearts while the other spouse simply listens.

2. If you two can’t come to a common ground set a date and time to revisit it.  That way you won’t feel either spouse is being dismissive.  It will allow you both to have clear understanding on the issues.

3. If you find you or your husband are yelling, take an immediate cool off time.  No one should have to scream, hit below the belt to get their point across. 

Hopefully these things will help you.  Also writing your issues down could be another way of communicating. 

Good luck to you!!


3 thoughts on “Ask Toi: What does it mean when my husband is quiet and not speaking to me?

  1. I love the idea of setting a date and coming back to an issue. Often times in a couple one partner isn’t as emotionally as intelligent as the other, so it’s a great way to give them space to figure out what the issue might actually be, instead of whats on the surface.


    • You would be surprised the women who think that if a guy just isn’t ready to hash it out like we are that it means more. He may just not have an answer. By setting the date and time she will feel he cares and they will be able to work it out better than letting the head of insecurity creep in with the whole he doesn’t care about my feelings enter in

      Liked by 1 person

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