Ask Toi: Is It Okay to Give my Boyfriend an ultimatum to Marriage?

Short answer is no.  You never want to be in a position where you feel you need to give an ultimatum. Although you want to be married to your man approaching it from that direction can back fire.

Listen I get it who wants to just keep existing in a long-term relationship especially when both parties have stated that marriage is on the horizon?!  However the way you approach it makes a huge difference.  For one I would talk to your boyfriend about where his vision and time line for  marriage is.  That way you aren’t giving him an ultimatum you are just getting clear on what he sees versus what you see and want.  Make sure you let him know what your vision is as well.  Your objective is to find out if you two are on the same page.

Once you know you begin to make your own decisions about what you want to do.  When my husband got back together after a break from dating in college and our daughter was born we spoke about marriage.  I told him where I see us and asked him and he told me where he was as well.  However after hearing him I decided that I had my own date in mind in how long I was going to wait. I never shared the date with anyone including my girlfriends.  Happily he proposed to me months before my deadline.

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What I’m saying is no one wants to feel like they are guilted into marriage.  If that man wants to be married he will ask.  My question to you which is the same I asked myself in that limbo is what are you doing to prepare for this next phase?  What are you bringing to the table?  What goals are you working on?  Turn your energy elsewhere.

If you have a date in mind that you’re not willing to go past be vigilant in making your mind up.  You want to be able to make your own decisions and not base it on your boyfriend.  Also understand the date you make and it comes be prepared for it. I don’t want you to think that had I gotten to my date and told my boyfriend I was done that he would have asked for my hand in marriage.  I know him and he would have moved on.  This isn’t a trick that you use like so many women do.

I know plenty of women who say to a man that they have let’s say a year, and then that man proposes I’m not the one who wants to think did he do it only because of a threat.  I know women who did, got what they wanted and are also divorced as their hearts weren’t in it.  Life isn’t like television where men are running in airports etc. trying to get back their lady.  So don’t go into it waiting for those types of results.

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Lastly do you want the marriage or the ring and wedding?  I mean really spend some thought on this.  It’s wedding season and I think women’s hormones go through the roof around this time.  When we have friends that are getting married, etc we sometimes start the whole I want that to be me.  Marriage is work and if you are already contemplating twisted his arm to get to the marriage what will you do with him once you get him?

I’m not at all suggesting that you’re wrong for how you feel.  What I’m saying is be clear within yourself one of the tools you will need even in a marriage is to be your own woman.  You don’t want to start your journey off like this.  Also how do you not know he’s not already planning a proposal.  Don’t work your brain over.  It will happen when it’s supposed to.  Make this about you and not putting pressure on him to do what you want.

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