Ask Toi: What do I do about a rocky marriage?

Well if you follow any type of celebrity news this has been a week of celebrity divorces.  However it’s not just celebrities that are having issues but regular couples as well.  Ask anyone who is married and if they are honest they will tell you marriage is work.

If you’re in a rocky marriage it didn’t just happen.  As much as you want to blame your spouse you too have to take some responsibility.  Marriages go through seasons.  Sometimes there will be moments of highs and lows.  What happens is when a wave hit and both spouses aren’t on the same page it creates issues.  Listen I too know what it’s like to be ready to throw in the towel.  We were close many times. 

You need to decide if for better or worse is what you plan on sticking out.  You can’t do it alone.  If you’re spouse isn’t willing I wouldn’t make a quick dash out the door just yet.  You have to be sure you have done all you absolutely could to make it work.  Sometimes we get tired, annoyed, and frustrated so we just say I’m out and make provisions to leave.  This is where you separate the women from the girls from the men from the boys. 

For instance couples back in the day were hit with everything imaginable but they attempted to make it work a lot more than this generation of marriages does.  I know there’s a reader saying why would I encourage someone to stick it out?  Simply because as a married woman myself, it’s my duty to encourage someone to keep their vows.  If not what is the purpose of being married?  Marriage isn’t some fairy tale you can jump in and out of when it suits you.

Now if we are talking about abuse that’s a different story.  Pack it up and leave.  You don’t have to stay and be abused from anyone at any given point. 

Work and fight for your marriage.  If after you have done ALL and I do mean ALL and it’s not working then you decide what you will do.  A little advice, let it be your decision not just what your married friends suggest, single friends, or even this blog.  I’m not here to make you stay or leave.  Don’t use this as a to go ticket.  Take this as a suggestion to get you through this bump in your marriage. 

Marriage can be as good and as bad as the work or lack you put into it.  What have you put into your marriage that makes it enjoyable, lovable, or strong in weak moments?  Again these are things we don’t deposit just when things hit a rough patch.  Make a deposit in your marriage daily.  Do you pray together even in the moments when prayer is the last thing you want to do? What about the times that you encouraged your spouse when they have hardened their heart to hear your voice?  Have you listened and made your presence a safe place without judgement? 

Make your marriage an investment.  Make the man or woman you married a priority.  Always speak kindly about your spouse and be careful of who you speak ill of your spouse.  Let me say that I too strive daily sometimes more than just once a day to keep my thoughts in check.  Sometimes the thoughts we entertain about our spouse is enough to make things difficult.

I wish you happiness even in the bad times.  I pray your marriage gets back on track.  When you and your spouse is on the same page of having a serious talk about where you two are headed that you renew your commitment.  Renewal doesn’t have to be in a fancy ceremony but in your thoughts and your deeds to each other.  Good luck!!

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