Ask Toi: Husband told his friends I was in counseling for personal reasons, I’m livid…What should I do?

My rule of thumb with my husband is anything personal about me doesn’t need to be discussed.   He needs to know that going to counseling is one of those things.  Also what was his reason in discussing it with someone else.  If you two were in counseling he could have been bouncing information to someone to know how to better deal with the situation. 

However with your personal information he needs to explain to you why discussing the information was necessary. I personally went through severe post partum.  Now I don’t care who knows because I understand that I wasn’t alone,  however my husband did inform others that I was seeking help.  I was devastated.  I looked at counseling as a sign of weakness.   You may be devastated at feeling betrayed.   Explain to your husband how you felt. 

He has to know how that made you feel and together talk about how to handle sensitive information.  In my case it took a mediator to get him to see my point of view.  Now we are on the same page.  Our system is that unless it’s about the general welfare about our kids or his personal information he isn’t to share my stuff with anyone.  Now I’m reasonable.  We have accountability partners that we have in place that we speak to but they are there for advice to handle things and not just a gossip train.   If you and your husband are going to be stronger as a unit you need guidelines.  It’s never okay to speak on your personal information unless you’re contemplating hurting yourself and he’s seeking life changing information.

It’s not okay for your husband to be talking to one of his boys laughing at your issues.   If they aren’t speaking life into your marriage they don’t need to be informed of every issue you have.   Speak to him and hear him out.   Take a day to process his reasoning first and then come back.   You are mad and you have every right to be but how you handle it makes a difference.   When I handled mine I was as gracious and it made matters worse.   I had to understand that tact is what matters.   You’re responsible in how you handle even the wrong being dealt to you.

What he did and especially how it made you felt was wrong.   However hear him out just as you want him to hear you.  Learning how to work through even difficult and hurtful things is how you get stronger.  Having him understand what hurts you is super important.  Marriage is about learning.   Allow that grace to guide you both. 

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