Ask Toi: Am I being petty to cut off meaningless friends?

This depends.  If you have attempted to have numerous conversations with your friend in question and nothing has stopped then no.  If you have had an altercation and it stopped there then yes. With any relationships you must exhaust all of your means.

What is making you want to cut them off? Be clear about the real reason.  Often times friendships can be an added value if it’s a two way benefit.  Keep in mind in real friendships, the benefit might not always look the same.  For instance if your friend just had a baby and is there for you less, can you cut them off? Yes, but a true friend would find ways to make their friend’s load easier and understand its a temporary season.

Don’t get me wrong friends will forget one another when seasons change if you let it, but if your foundation is firm you can pick up where you left off.  I have friends I don’t always speak to often.  I make an effort but during the last 7 years of pregnancy and just raising small children I couldn’t always get together for lattes, girl’s trips, and birthday celebrations. My real friends understood and called me out and showed me ways to balance and others just cut me off.

Let me give you an example of when I had to cut a friendship off.  I had been friends with her for over 10 years.  However she always needed me to talk her out of things and I did.  She would get mad after she asked me for the truth and I just took it as our flow.  Then one day she calls me screaming her head off and needed me to give her more than I had.  I hung up on her.  I needed a break but she called and called.  She then emailed me telling me I wasn’t a good friend.  I wasn’t there for her.  I took deep breaths.  I had answered every call late night and early mornings.  Many of those calls with a baby on my hip.  I had dropped everything I could to support her and it wasn’t enough.

She called me out of my name and it was at that moment where I realized that I was only benefitting her.  She wasn’t adding anything but stress.  So a few years ago I wrote her a letter and ended and I haven’t looked back.  Would I answer her call now if she called most likely but it won’t be in the same capacity as before.   I didn’t outgrow her, I just won’t allow blatant disrespect.  I have no ill feelings towards her at all.  However some things have to end. 

Be clear and be sure that you really want to end it.  Be sure you have exhausted all of your means.  Be clear that you have peace when you decide to end it.  Don’t get me wrong you will miss things but peace is priceless.  Don’t allow a few rifs to cause issues amongst your friends.  However don’t let dead things live.  Don’t give oxygen to something that that needs to flatline. 

Good luck!!


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