Ask Toi: How do I get over my divorce?

Well divorce can’t be easy.  I have not nor am I divorced but I think as a married woman who has attempted to pull the plug once it can’t be an easy thing.  I know there are so many emotions tied in the dissolution of a marriage.  My heart goes out to you.  I know that no matter who you talk to about divorce they will tell you that time is key.  It will take time for you to manage your emotions and to find a healthy way to deal with them.  It may come in the form of counseling, some women and men take trips and find themselves, some get new hobbies, etc.  Whatever is healthy and fits you-you should do.

Please understand that unlike a breakup, a divorce is so much more overwhelming. Regardless if you have children together or not, divorce can be pricey, time consuming and draining. I think people have the notion that they ask for a divorce, call an attorney and then bam, that’s the end.  The phrase “it’s cheaper to keep her,” is very true.  There is the dissolution of any property, debt, and if there are children than there’s another level of paperwork and fights that take place.  It is not uncommon for couples to take years to divorce.  I had a friend who just thought she would divorce in 3 months and with the back and forth of fighting over things it took her almost 2.5 years to get it finalized.

I definitely feel like couples counseling if both parties are willing is still a great idea.  This doesn’t mean that you are trying to make it work.  It’s good to have some closure and see what took place so you don’t repeat the issues again.  I also would back couples counseling with some personal counseling as well.  As a person you may feel rejected, hurt, angry and those feelings will not go away just because rings are taken off or papers signed.  Make sure you are surrounding yourself with people who will honestly be able to encourage you do the right thing even when you don’t want to.  Trust me divorce can bring out an ugly side of your emotions you may not have even know was there.  When you are in the middle of an ugly feeling regarding the divorce remember its a natural feeling and its okay. The issues isn’t in how you feel but in how you react.  As long as you are making sure you aren’t harming yourself or others and are being healthy in your responses you are fine. Some people think that crying and yelling are unhealthy responses but that’s so far from the truth.  Its best to get that out of you than to walk around bitter and jaded.  I wish you well in your process.  Find your own process and allow time to heal.  It will never take away from what happened but it can help to get you to the place where you can allow love to live in the dark place you are now.

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