I’ve been doing a series on women this month in celebration of women’s history month. These powerful stories have been truly uplifting to say the least. We have had women being vulnerable and sharing their stories for the whole world to read. Well I have to share my real mindset on parts of woman hood that I have issues with. Let me forewarn you that this is truly how I believe on a lot of things. Some view points are straight no chaser this time. I lived in a home where my parents called a spade a spade. Sometimes in my writing I allow that to come out and other times I allow what I say to be watered or to be politically correct-today just isn’t one of those times. Let me make my disclaimers now, this is real and I have the total blessing of my husband. There will be others who will want to clutch your pearls and gasp, you might as well do so now. I will blog every day on what I discussed on Saturday. Each conversation will be more and more direct. Lesson 1:
As a wife I have the husband, the dream ring, the beautiful kids, and a roof over my head. Let me say its not enough. I’m not a unsatisfied wife. I know in the right terms when I get paid and my husband gets paid its supposed to go into one pot. We are supposed to pay the bills and make sure the family as what they need and we do. There’s a catch. I’m not satisfied with that notion alone. Now before I come off as an ungrateful person let me clarify why that’s simply not enough. When a woman gets married we condition her to believe she is golden. Her husband got her and she should be the happiest thing living. That notion is fabricated and wrong. This is why women get into marriage and are unhappy. Now I was taught that you have to be happy in your own skin before you combine your life with another. This is so true. The issue is that you have to understand a few things that married folks know and don’t share.
- That man isn’t your God. We expect men to fulfill us in every way. He is responsible to provide, make us happy, take us out, treat us well, do, do do-however all of that can be done and still be a void
- Dreams don’t stop to make room for his dream wings alone. Marriage isn’t the final destination
Now there are more nuggets but let me keep this organized. Ladies, when you combine with your man you should be in a position where both parties are fulfilled. Let’s talk about the money part since most marriages end up in divorce behind them. If you are making whatever amount of money and its not enough to support yourself alone if you had to, are you okay with that? The only way for you to be okay with that depends on the mate you marry. There are many women who are in financial bondage with their mate because every time they need anything and that man has to spend it comes with a price. If you find yourself in that situation you have to own the decision that you made. You have to be able to do something about it. You need to look for employment, go back to school, anything that will make your personal load easier. Please do not buy into this notion that your man got it if while he got it you got to hear about it. Men please understand this is no cut to you. I believe that every woman deserves the right to better herself. She should always have something to bring to the table that you alone didn’t provide.
We talk about virtuous women at least in the church realm but in order to be there that woman needs a man who is okay with her doing more than washing his clothes and providing a meal on the table. That woman sold things, she went out and used her gifts to bring back an income into the home too. So if you are on your high horse that you want to keep your wife under you financially you have already lost. A women can be a mean dresser, take care of home, bare the kids and in the words of Beyonce get back to business without it cutting the fat of your ego. Let her live and you will see that her fulfilled life will allow her to be happier on the inside. Yes I know some women who love being at home with the kids and providing in the home. I did it for many years. Outside of not having some outlets I was great at it, but the fact that even at home I can still contribute. I know plenty of stay at home wives that have businesses on the side. It’s okay for your wife to swipe her debit card where its not totally and only connected to yours. Growing up I was around women who didn’t have their own driver’s license, no job, no income and were home makers. Let me clarify I went to church with women like this. In my home my mom worked. In my family the women did both worked and some only worked in the home. That is okay for season, but the reality is that not ALL women are going to be okay with that alone. What happens when the husband dies? What happens in this time and age when men simply move on with other lives? Even if you have life insurance and you should have it, it won’t be the end all be all. There are women having to start over with no skill set. The one conversation my parents had after I got engaged was that I never knew when I would be single again so don’t think my shiny ring was the end. The other lesson is never get comfortable with just his stuff on the table.
Now someone reading this would think my parents didn’t think my marriage would last. You would think that they didn’t like my husband but that’s not the truth. The bottom line is if more parents taught their daughters to stop pursuing relationships to get ahead or stopping at marriage to put their dreams on hold, there could be healthier marriages all around. The resentment comes in when you as a woman has allowed yourself to support your man and haven’t given one ounce to yourself. You can do it all just with balance. This happily ever after doesn’t take off at the altar. Fairy tales are for books and movies. In real life you can be over the moon and smart. You can be head over heels and have a financial plan in place. My mom always said stop looking for that man to be engine, engine number 9 with all the whistles to come in and save you. Ladies, this isn’t to say that your man can’t be the best thing since sliced bread but this is where reality needs to bust make believe out the water. We simply lose our common sense when a man gets on his knees and asks for our hands in marriage. Stop. Stop and make more for what you want and find a way to align with your mate and get a vision. If we had more vision minded relationships instead of what you can get from a relationship there would be happy fulfilled folks. Vision made relationships allow you both to be happy individuals that come together for a greater purpose. The purpose isn’t for that man to talk down to you and belittle you. And for the ladies who make more than their husbands its not okay for you to do the same.
Single and Committed
Please know your law. Often times we move in with our men and everything is in his name. We just love him so much and know that we are going to be together forever. Well I don’t want to burst your bubble but know your law. If your name isn’t on the lease and only on there to live in the apartment that you and him held hands and looked into each others eyes and now you are set, be careful. If he is the one financially responsible alone what happens when he moves on? What happens if he decides to bring another woman in there and now because you have no place of your own to go, you are looking from the outside in? These are things you must consider before moving in with someone. There are a lot of women having to go back to homes with friends and family because they weren’t smart. They were only in love and didn’t ask any questions.
The other flip to that is have you decided since you are committed but not married what happens if that man or woman you are with passes away. I hate to tell you but not all laws will uphold your title of girlfriend or boyfriend. I know plenty of girlfriends that didn’t have a legal right to any of their man’s things. How are you splitting the bills? Be careful of running and getting joint accounts before marriage. You combine your money into an account and then find you are mad as all hell when your lady or man makes a purchase without discussion. Be careful. Again the law don’t always uphold the live in boo clause. So I would recommend one if not both parties having an attorney to protect your assets. Don’t let love be your only guide. Love alone with not cloth, feed, or provide a roof over your head.
I will deal with the married folks with tomorrow’s blog. I will also deal with the conversation that we don’t talk about in marriage on this notion of financial dependents.