Off Limits

Let me say I really do hope your holiday if you celebrated Easter was great.  I know my children received an over abundant amount of things that if I see a piece of candy anytime soon it will be a problem.  However let me help a few adults out with a few things. I had an Ask Toi regarding children and the ignorance of adults.  Sometimes an Ask Toi will turn into a blog if warranted.  Here this one goes:

Since we live in a world where now we feel the need to comment about everything there are a few exceptions to this rule.  One, kids should NEVER come into question.  I don’t care how you feel about a parent’s choice in parenting, the line you as an adult should never cross is that of commenting on folk’s kids.  There are few things that will pull someone out of their character and children are one.  I can’t stand it when adults feel the need to push their 5 seconds on a child that you need to demean, insult, or make ignorant comments about kids.  Now if you don’t like a child based upon their parents you have bigger issues.  I have seen some mean things on the Internet in regards to kids in the last few years that makes me sick.  This age has no respect for the care of children.  It’s okay to talk to them anyway, talk about them anyway, harm them, etc.  This mess has to stop.

If you don’t like a parent and lets say you and that parent aren’t seeing eye to eye its never okay to speak ill about that adult to a child.  I have a small list of adults I don’t necessarily care for however I don’t allow my kids to say disrespecting things to other adults, I don’t speak negatively about the adults to my kids, and if my kids see them I don’t stop my kids from greeting them unless whatever was done was directed towards them and for safety reasons I need to intervene.  This is the day in age when parents allow kids to sit up with the adults talking about “grown” stuff as if the child and the adult is on the same level. That doesn’t mean the  child may not have an opinion but my child and I will not sit around and tear down others.  People have no clue that if you want to know how another adult feels about them just have a child around.  They pick up on vibes and can see things before you ever talk to them about it.

To my reader that picked their child up from a party and heard negative things about them from your child, separately confront the adult. The only way a child speaks in this manner is if the child was around the adult.  Make sure the child isn’t present.  I have had to walk out my door to avoid my children to be tainted by my feelings regarding others.  That however hasn’t stopped the kids from coming to me and telling me things that they heard about their mom.  I do NOT play those types of games when it comes to my kids.  That is the most sure way to have me avoid you around them.  I have and will continue to make sure that the environment my children are in is right.  That doesn’t mean I’m perfect but I am clear as the day is long about that.  Now can you work things out and salvage the relationship of course you can when both parties are willing.  If the other adult spoke ill of me in front of my kid, I can’t make the adult apologize to my child but I surely would want them to.  You have to clean up what you put out in the atmosphere.  Any adult who is made aware after you bring it to their attention and gives you a hard time about not making things right with that child, do me a favor, ready, remove you and your child from that foolishness.  I get that we want to give passes to some adults but reality is no one is above an apology.  If the adult is unwilling well than you know where you stand.  Keep in mind that most people aren’t outright like this.

Here is how you should approach the situation:

  1. Have a conversation with the adult (s) alone. Never confront them in front of the kids.  They should never be able to repeat what is going on to anyone.
  2. Do NOT allow your kids around adults who do NOT believe like you in regards to adult conversations.  IF they already have disrespected you by talking like that as a parent you must protect the child bottom line.  Corrupt communication does corrupt good manners.
  3. Explain to the kids depending on age that some adults say things they do not mean and that mommy and daddy will fix it.  Do not go into detail regarding the situation. Address what the adult said to them in the manner that it wasn’t nice but that you will figure it out.
  4. Try to resolve the conflict.  As parents we are to mirror good conflict resolution when possible.  Showing your child how its okay to be upset but not okay to act inappropriate.

I know many adults who say that they would never talk about a parent to a child.  The back drop to that is that if you are a gossiping adult you will speak ill about any adult in the very presence of kids is a red light to me.  I do NOT leave my kids without me around adults who I know for a fact will do so.  When you are around children you should be having a great time, playing, finding out what they like or don’t like.  What you should do for the moments you are around them is to turn off the foolery.

Dear reader who asked me about how you should approach this, be vigilant about your children.  If whom you are dealing with has an issue or attitude about your stand with your kids than don’t allow your kids around them unless you are present.  Some adults don’t get how deadly their words are amongst other adults let along children.  As a parent its your job to do all you can to protect and shield them from toxic people.  I heard someone say the other day they wished adults had signs of issues on them.  I think they do.  If you listen to people and take inventory the signs are actually there we just let our love for whom we like to cloud our judgement.

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