It’s not just Shrek who came up with that thinking of getting things out instead of holding things in. Learning to let things go and move forward are two concepts that are at times easier said than done. It’s so much easier for someone who doesn’t feel your hurt to tell you to get over it. Sometimes it’s the very thing you need to do. Now let me very real to you and say that you can be in the process of moving on and if it doesn’t come off as getting over things the one who usually has hurt you always seems to have some say on your time line rush. The way you know you are over it is when you see a person and nothing on the inside moves you. You don’t have that same fight to get at them, or get them back.
Let’s not confuse that with still being upset and remembering what they did. You most likely will never forget but stress of holding on to things that can’t be changed is the worst kind of stress. We are doing these stress series to help you overcome but this is one of those things that is a real personal test. I absolutely can’t stand when others say you should be over something. It’s like saying hey dummy yeah I hurt you, I’m fine and so should you. I have and will continue to say that our mouths are deadlier than weapons. Sometimes the offense is so great that recovering seems nearly impossible. However it’s usually our emotions that speak to us the loudest especially when we still whisper in our minds about the offense. If you want to know how you feel about something take inventory of what you talk about. If you are still having someone in your conversation over and over again than that person or thing still has you. I personally have been dealing with this. I have made strides by learning to forgive my actions, forgive the person, and then set in place what I need for my healing. It will not always be accepted as people always have a way of taking something so personal and making it fit their thoughts and concepts.
Here are my ways that I work and still work on it:
- Journal-There is power in your words. I still have my journals from college when I was going through my most intimate issues in my early adult life. I wrote down every regret, every hurt, and will go back to read them to see the places I have changed and the places I’m still working on. I love to hear when people say I haven’t changed I take what they say seriously than I look back on the things I really struggled and smile. Some people know your story by the footprints they see and have no clue of the real life you walk-these are the folks you take note mentally so you don’t give them notches higher in your life than they deserve.
- Talk-Even though out of our mouth flows the very heart issues we deal with, talking helps. I would suggest talking to someone who has every intention of helping you grow. I have had to learn some hard lessons opening up to folks who would rather help me brew the tea than deal with the issue at hand. Not everyone is for you and even the closest ones to you don’t always have to know the details of every sordid affair in your life.
- Counseling- It’s slightly different from just talking but its a great tool. I like talking with power. I feel its one of the most empowering thing a person can do to say I can not deal and I need help. We need to STOP the stigmas that counseling and therapy are signs of weakness. It is a tool that A LOT of folks who don’t go need. We all need some help along the way. Therapy gives you tools to apply to when really need to get through difficult and challenging times.
Again getting out your frustration is key. Stress is a killer. We spend more time dealing with and internalizing things we don’t want to open up about. I really do have a strong demeanor and I have the type of personality that can endure a lot of harsh things but even with all of that I literally get hurt and have to fight my way from petty land. I really am the type that is very calculating in how I engage with others once I perceive a threat or hurt that has taken place. I’m definitely working on that. I also know that with the tools that I’ve learned in various therapy sessions that I don’t have to leave myself shut off from others to avoid hurt and pain. It’s going to happen. Now the flip is that repetitive offenders are the ones that cut you the most. They say things like forgive and forget. The truth is you won’t ever forget. If someone has told you that they are lying as they sit at night going over every little detail of past offenses. Forgiveness is for you and never really for the other person. You can forgive and choose to not continue opening yourself up to the foolishness. If someone stabbed you and you forgave them, does that mean in order for the other person to feel forgiven you had to keep going to them to get stabbed? Um, no. For relationships to be rebuilt sometimes its trust that need to be built back up. Trust isn’t given its earned. People think saying sorry is automatic let’s act and go on like nothing happened. That’s not reality.
My hope for your hurt is you learn to let it out. Learn to drop the charges even if you don’t spend time dealing with same types of people. I have dropped charges mentally and emotionally with others and still have chosen to move on. I wish no one ill intent for their lives. You too have to get to the point that revenge isn’t still in your heart and mind. You have to move forward sometimes with your life even when you know you will NEVER get a proper apology. Don’t let the stress of things overtake you. Remember if you internalize it and don’t do the things you need to do to deal with your part in what took place, you alone are the one that is hurting yourself. You owe it to yourself to deal and heal.