Ask Toi: How do I handle not being in a wedding party as my twin was selected over me?

Today’s Ask Toi is about a set of twins who one twin is in a friend’s wedding and the other wasn’t asked to be and the twin that isn’t included wants to know if she should have been considered to be in the wedding party too?  The answer is NO.  I am a twin and we are close but we have separate friends.  There are some of our friends that do overlap.  For obvious reasons whether my twin is close to my friends or not she knows them all.  However when it comes to who is in the wedding party that decision is up to the bride.  The bride has no obligation to pick you both just because you are twins.  The bride has every right to pick who she wants and who have been her closest of friends to stand with her on her special day.  Again twins do a lot together and that’s a great thing to have but there will be times where a twin will not be included in everything and this is one.

As twins one of the things that they crave is separation of identities unless you are like my twin and I where you are fraternal and don’t have that as an issue.  Friendships should be based on connections, longevity, and love and not on DNA.  If your twin was asked to be in the wedding there is a reason just as there is a reason you were not. I would say on this request to be in a friend’s wedding you can’t demand or command your way into the bridal party.  Let your twin his this moment and support her.  It doesn’t change who you two are but you are still individual people and not one complete package.  If you are invited go as a gracious guest.  Remember at the end of the day the bride and groom are allowing others to share in their day.  The day is about them and not about the wedding party.  Anyone who shares in that moment is special.  I don’t think its anything to lose a friend over nor do I think it’s a time to be mad at your twin either.  There can be other ways that you can be a support to the bride and the first way is not to stress her over who she chose to be in her wedding.

Now to the meat and potatoes of your question.  You don’t do anything except accept that you weren’t chosen.  Get a gift if you plan to attend the wedding.  Be a guest.  Wear the proper attire and have fun.  If you feel that your friendship was more than you thought I would have that conversation at a later time.  Weddings are stressful and they get more complicated when other people want more than the bride and groom are willing to give. Put yourself in the bride’s shoes, often times the bride making the wedding party cut offs is overwhelming.  If you have good friends around you it may be more stress choosing the wedding party than your dress or shoes.  Be gracious and kind during this time.




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