Let’s Talk about YOUR needs!

It’s no secret that women and men think differently.  It’s been one of the age-old things that keeps being repeated by both sexes.  The issues with men and women speaking is that we need each other but we can’t figure out how to often times relate.

Men and women arguing over love and what love means or is supposed to look like is a daily occurrence.  There is someone somewhere trying to get their significant other on the same page.  I too have been in this place a million times over myself.  No big deal except when you and your main squeeze are so far gone that you are finding it hard to even be in the same space, than Houston we have a problem.

Let me cue in my daters.  This happens often times more than we like to think.  For my folks that are married, it happens too.  Marriage doesn’t stop the human experience. When you get married it doesn’t curb all need for arguments because you are now one. There is still learning that is done daily.  With learning comes frustrations, anger, joy, happiness, and hopefully contentment.

Our minds are always thinking.  Some times we think so much we float off of the Earth’s hemisphere.  There’s nothing wrong with it.  However there are times when we put too much pressure in ourselves and our mates.  My husband asked me last night what happiness looked like.  I answered him and he was insinuating that to him I don’t look happy.  Yeah I can admit that. There are many things going on in my heart and my mind at this time in my life.  Some things on a personal and some things on a relationship level. It’s not that I don’t get excited because I do.  The issue is in real happiness is something that no one and nothing can take away.  It can be hard to come by when you are struggling with yourself.  I am a firm believer that our greatest enemy isn’t a hater but it’s ourselves. When you haven’t taken time to figure out what you need, what you want, and how you want to be loved you will constantly fight yourself.

Can I take a moment for my married women.  I have known my husband since August 1999.  That’s a long time, right?  Right but there are things that I failed to listen to when it comes to him.  There are things he likes and needs that I can admit I heard, but didn’t hear. Are you in the same boat?  Has your mate done the same thing.  You can quote your mate’s favorite color and know how he likes his eggs but you don’t know what his silence means.  You don’t know what he needs from you.  He may not know that you need your butt grabbed or your hair stroked.  We get so wrapped up in love or the idea of love, but have you really thought about what you and your mate need as individuals. Think about everything you say you aren’t getting.  Think about all the things you say you want, didn’t you need those things in some small form before you united with your love?  Needs change but there are some things that remain constant.  My new thoughts on this is for my daters.

Do you when you are dating think about what you really want.  Have you thought about what it looks like to receive the love YOU need.  Some things again can change.  Think about the kind of love your potential life time boo is giving.  Does it match what you NEED. IF you need calls in the daytime, or hands held is your partner willing to give?  I find the more you have to nag about it, its due to the fact that you aren’t receiving it initially.  As much as men complain about women nagging the truth is in the nag that’s what is needed to be done.  If you as a man has had your mate simply ask for something more, what have you done to give it?  Are you hit and miss?  You know where you hold a hand one day but then its like forcing you to give blood to do it the next time.  Maybe it’s not in you to do? Maybe you aren’t the vessel for the women you think you love.

These are the types of things you look for when you are dating.  Anything labored will always fall through because it’s not natural.  Think about it when you are married, if you and your mate have let some of the essence of who you are die, than love does become labored.  You don’t do what you did once you got them.  You have no more desire to.  Your love has changed in how you experience it or give it.  Is there something you need to renew your marital spirits?  We have to be intentional in our love.  Love is an action word.  You can’t say I want your time but give it to everyone around you and leave your mate with the scraps.  You must be willing to do even when you are drained.  Love and marriage is work.

Ladies, please understand who YOU are.  I think about how the many women who wait until they are older to get married.  They actually have it right.  I know sometimes young love is so intoxicating.  The issue with young love is that if you aren’t on a journey to know YOU, than often times you go through the what ifs a lot more than someone who did. Knowing you are will allow you to see something and call a spade a spade and not wait until you are at your wit’s end to speak up.  You know what no longer serves you and are willing to move towards to what does.  Can you get there when you are young?  Most definitely but if you haven’t traveled, experienced life, are on the path towards your passions do not take the plunge.  I am not anti-marriage. I am a married woman myself. However we often times push towards the temporary when we need to be more focused on the long-term.

So what do you do when you are deep into a relationship and find that you now need to get YOUR desires met. You don’t need to roll out.  You do not need to divorce or began separating your life.  You DO need to sit and quiet your heart and mind and figure out what makes you tick.  Find out what makes you smile.  Find out what makes you complete.  Yes it is NEVER to late to self evaluate.  I do not care if you feel like you’re stuck.  You are only stuck in your mind.  Release yourself to be okay with checking YOU.  It’s okay to think about you. While you are doing that, keep doing the basics of what you did before.  If you were making food for your boo, don’t go there with I am on my journey so I’m not making you anything mode.  Incorporate some exercise too because physical work outs help your mental work outs. It doesn’t matter if you are a size 2 or a size 22.   Also take some real-time to figure it out. You need to get back to YOU.  You will be better with your mate if YOU are whole.  Now things are going to change once you align yourself.  You will either get in sync with your partner or sadly find yourself saying this no longer serves me.  My goal isn’t to end relationships, but this is a real possibility.  There’s a difference in getting what you want and what you THOUGHT you wanted because you weren’t willing to do your self work prior. You have to be honest.  You can be honorable and honest.

The journey should you choose not to embark will HAPPEN.  How about you cut some of that wilderness time in half and really get what you need.  If you delay it you are really doing yourself an injustice.  How many more days of being miserable and making others miserable around you is it going to take?  How many more years will it be before you wake up and find you have only prolonged yourself to being the best you that you can be.  I spoke to more seasoned women and trust this is the conversation I often get.  They tell me all the time you are responsible for YOU.  It’s nice to get in sync with your mate, but if that doesn’t happen you have no one to blame for your individual happiness but you.  Make it your priority to end each day on the right note.  It doesn’t mean that things will be happy-go-lucky.  Life has many ups and down. You do not need to add more down time to your life.  Get YOU together because nobody is going to do it for you.

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