So last week was hard. It’s still hard. I can’t say I am in full swing because I am not. When will I be? Who knows because I surely do not. For now let me say that it’s hard to focus. I find my thoughts and my emotions are all over the place.
At one point I was finding myself playing more with the kids. Then as I look at them I start to think what type of world will they live in. So then I decorated my office space, hoping that the happy colors I had chosen for me would make me feel better. It did but it was very temporary feeling. I think where I am now is that I have to come to the realization that there isn’t an easy fix. There is no band-aid that will make me forget the imagery of not only the deaths of the Black men killed but the ambush on the 5 police officers. Time will tell where our country is headed. I do not own a crystal ball but I do not like it. I have had several friends or at least associates that have come forth and have shown and said they are not in compassion with the Black men’s death. Comments of well they deserved it and had they done A, B, or C they would still be alive. These type of comments contradict what the video has shown. I feel like I am stuck in a hard place. Can I still maintain associations and friendships with this level of disagreement. We aren’t talking about what restaurant to eat at, but on whose lives are more important.
I have said and will continue to say when I hear all lives matter it depends on the source to be honest. All lives do matter. The premise is that we as humans don’t get to tip the scale on that issue when it benefits us or when we like a certain person. For instance some of my associates have said well you aren’t like those Black people. I guess they are assuming in how I carry myself. I do not come off as some of the negative stereotypes so I am an acceptable Black woman. That type of talk isn’t good enough. You can dislike people based upon behavior and not discredit an entire race. When I hear things like I am not Black enough or not ghetto enough that irks me to no end.
Again I do not have the answer. However I will not allow anyone to discriminate based upon my or any other person’s skin. I am not anti-cop. I feel bad that those 5 cops who lost their lives period. No well but this and that, nope period. I watched the young lady who was shot in her leg as one police officer put himself over top of her and her son to shield them as another one was being shot in front of her. Not to mention the one that was shot behind her. The men and women on the police force that sacrifice their lives daily to protect all of ours should be honored. The issue with the rogue police officers is that they are in badges with other agendas of hate that spill over into how they handle us. Those are the police officers we need to weed out.
As I watched various protests, it made me angry again. Some were very peaceful. Others were not and showed exactly why many have gathered in the first place. It feels like we are in the 50s and 60s. I feel like fear and pain is all I can see. I am a very positive person or at least that’s my attempt and its hard to even concentrate on small things without the climate of the world weighing heavy on my shoulders. I do not pretend to know all of the answers. I do not pretend to have all of the facts. To be honest no one does. These situations are ever-changing but I do know it affects every last one of us. It’s a sad day to be human.
What I am doing for my community is writing all of my politicians that are in power to make decisions and voicing my concerns. I have linked with other organizations and have written letters to the families of Philando Castile, Alton Sterling and the 5 officers that were killed. I have been emailing the Philadelphia Police Department to find out what they are doing in the wake of the latest police brutality. These are things you can do while you are on social media. You can ask questions so you can hear both sides of the stories. You can demand the change you want to see where the political players who have influence on the issues that concern you can know where you stand. I do not think my voice is small. I know its big so I am using it to do what I can. You can push your dollars towards companies that align with what you stand for. Do your research. These are the things that if you can’t be on the front line that can make a difference.
Again my thoughts will change as things change or not. Right now I am attempting to protect my kids. I am attempting to cover my own mind. I am attempting to be proactive and do my research. I do not want to buy into everything that the media suggests. I want to know for myself and ask the necessary questions. I know that things will get worst before they get better. I hope that any protests can be done peacefully. I pray for the safety for all. These protest are not just with Black people alone. We got all people who are tired and can see that there is a problem coming out to support. It has caused me to be in more and more prayer as action is being taken behind the scenes. I am focusing on eating, exercising and taking care of my mental health too. The things that are going in can distract you altogether. You can lose yourself in wanting change so bad that you put your life and space on hold. I think we can balance in taking care of our bodies and being in the moment. I pray that you find your motivation. I pray that you stay guarded. I pray that you stay safe.