Sex Matters

So no we won’t be taking a journey into my sex life but we are going to talk about marriage and how sex changes in marriage. Sex is vital in a marriage.  I won’t give it a number but its important.  Now we haven’t had many issues with sex but I definitely know of  a lot of couples who do.  So lesson is 3 is learning how to ride the waves of sex or lack thereof.

In our first year of marriage again we had a toddler and a baby.  My son was about 1 years old when we got married.  Although he didn’t sleep in our room and he was a pretty good sleeper, he was still at that age when he either needed us often or he would sneak in our room.  So sex was tricky.  Also another issue was us living with his mom.  My husband wasn’t all that comfortable having sex in her house.  We would try to be inventive but often times it just wasn’t on the top of our list. Yes we had our son so we weren’t in a Sahara desert of sex but it wasn’t flowing as freely as it might have had in our own living quarters.

So we did what any sex deprived couple would do, we were mad.  It was as if we had lost our mojo.  Sex was never an issue before in our relationship.  We were completely comfortable with one another but we went through it.  I was often too tired due to my time being taken up by both kids.  He wasn’t always in the mood either.  Often times I would come to bed with the most awful pjs.  There was none of the new lingerie I had bought before marriage. Just raggedy t-shirts or his t-shirts that fit on me like a blanket.  I lost the need to keep it sexy.  So sex was at the bottom of the list.  I can laugh now but when your husband is looking at you like what is that you have on you know its time to get it together.

So one day I decided to do some new things for me.  I woke up at 5am and worked out in the basement while everyone was asleep.  I knew I could get my son a bottle by 4 and back to bed in order to make this work.  I did this Monday through Friday.  I started buying better fitting outfits as I lost the baby weight.  I also started job hunting as I was tired of just being on mom duty.  If our situation was going to change I had to be apart of the change.  As I did that I began to get out of the house more. I began to care about myself. My husband began doing things differently and the spark was united again. It felt like a sigh of relief and so we are more conscience of our sex life.  It’s not hard now. However in marriage sex and the lack thereof will come in waves.  One partner might be on a different wave than the other.  It’s important to communicate it.  Oh and sex won’t keep a marriage.  My mom taught me that one. You can do all the tricks and if your husband or wife wants to stray they will.  However do NOT use sex as a weapon. You aren’t marrying a child. You should never have to barter with sex.  Sex is a great benefit of marriage.  If you use sex as a weapon do NOT be mad when that spouse dips out.  Yes they are responsible for their actions whole heartedly but be responsible for your part too.

Here are some of the most common reasons sex becomes last on the list:

  1. Body Issues-this can be had by both the wife and the husband.  Men too have issues with how they look when they are in the bedroom and it can take its toll on the frequency or even the quality.
  2. Health Issues-any time health issues like diabetes, heart issues, hormonal imbalances take place the one thing that goes is libido.  Getting healthier and making yourself a priority health wise is key to making it hot in the bedroom.
  3. Change-whether it’s a new baby, lost of job, new job, moving, etc these are triggers that can make sex non-existent.
  4. Lack of intimacy-this is what isn’t being done outside of the bedroom.  This is definitely a key trigger for women.  If you aren’t wooing her outside of the bedroom you won’t even get the coals lit in the bedroom.  Text, calls, slapping a few booties around during the day will get you at least in the game.

We understand one key element in making sex a priority and that’s balance. The more that we manage our time to include time together (date nights), time with friends, time alone, and family time the more adapt we are to having sex.  It becomes more of a want instead of letting it go and then being in a drought season.  The more that we are in tuned than either one of us can request sex or gesture sex.  Ladies, the men doesn’t have to do all the work.  Don’t let sex get too boring and all you do is lay there all the time.  You got to at least look interested.  Also men do not keep doing the same move you did a million years ago.  Find out what your wife needs and then make it happen.  The more its enjoyable for both partners the more both partners want to engage.  Oh and more is great but quality is better.  I know I have heard people say when you get married you want to be with someone who “does it all.”  However the flip of that is not in doing it all if it’s not enjoyable.  The key is finding ways to be enjoyable together instead of ordering sex like it’s a menu.


One thought on “Sex Matters

  1. Great analysis and last paragraph was really on point. I feel as we get older the traditional goes out the window. While men are visual creatures, I think we as women need to be fed emotionally, spiritually and physically to reach a true level of intimacy. Thanks for the honesty as I can totally relate to it not feeling like a romance novel. You really have to be in sync with your partner. I will save this advice in the event I remarry.


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