I do not mean a full-blown out brawl. The last time I got into a fight had to have been in high school. However, fights will happen. You are fusing two lives together to become one. Oneness doesn’t happen at the altar. At the altar is where the journey starts. You don’t become husband and wife and begin to know every little thing about a person and just ride off until the sunset.
You have to get to know the person you married. I don’t know what it is about marriage that changes things but it does. I lived with my husband before marriage for about 2 years and we had 2 kids in but when we married if you stripped the new baby stuff, body image issues, etc that comes along with having a young family, we generally were having issues coming together. We were in marriage counseling shortly after the vows. Mind you we went to premarital counseling before. There wasn’t a large gap of time from engagement to when we were married either. However we still were not prepared for the issues that come from marriage. I would love to be able to say that now that we have the big issues out-of-the-way that we don’t ever fight or argue but I would be lying.
My husband and I go through it when one of us is in petty mode. We have larger stretches of getting along than ever before but once team petty comes into play its anyone’s guess in how things will play out. We both have done the things you aren’t supposed to do like hit below the belt, involve others, or even in my case left the house in hopes of not returning. FYI, I have never gotten past the block before I came back but it has happened. So how does one fight fair, you have to remember the one thing is that you love and care of your spouse. If you have lost respect it’s easier to let fights linger. Another way fights linger is from being hurt or angry. There are some fights that start off small, like who left the seat up on the toilet, sorry men we know you did it. Then those fights mixed in with high emotions, bad name calling, mean spirits can make for tight and tough situations.
I would be lying if I would say that I haven’t given or received the silent treatment. Temporarily they make you feel like you are in control. If you lived in a home where this was a normal occurrence you then understand that silent treatments is to get an emotional advantage. This can work against you if you have a spouse that isn’t moved by this type of emotional tug of war. To be honest it’s something that you shouldn’t even do. Taking a few moments to gather your thoughts is one thing, going days and days without a simple hello is the playground that breeds more and more issues. The flip to that is what my great grandparents who loved each other since they were teenagers said, never go to bed angry. You really shouldn’t allow moments of anger to linger. We hear it all the time of people losing their spouses and their last words were about a petty argument. It happens all the time but we still gamble. Think about if even if it’s the worst thing that your spouse has done, will it be worth it if you knew he or she would leave that day and never return home? Would you be more willing to work it out and find a solution if you knew that the time they departed from you would be their last? That’s something I keep in mind. I try to continue to do the things I would have done for my spouse as his behavior should not stop me from being a blessing. I am responsible for my actions not his. Again since you know I have petty moments I’m not fronting for my blog either. I can be a pit bull in a skirt if I need to be. I am aware of me so I make better attempts in keeping it cordial as I can. Sometimes cordial is all I got. That’s better than being mean, nasty, under cutting, or rude.
Hitting Below the Belt
This happens when you get in a debate that has taken you from stage one of mad to pissed off. Now all of a sudden your spouse don’t do it for you. Now all of a sudden his or her momma ain’t sh.. Now all of a sudden he or she is lazy and good for nothing. Now he or she makes you sick, you wish…You were just booed up. You were just in love and making others jealous but not all of the negativity has entered in and you need to snap at your spouse. You want to say the meanest thing you can think of. If you have been married especially in that first year until you get the memo that this isn’t the way to handle things, you know that words are easy to say but hard to get back. The damage can severely hurt your marriage. It can burn the love bridge you and your spouse are trying to build and maintain. Be careful. Attempt to stick to the tasks. There are a few phrases to avoid and I struggle from time to time with them and that is always and never. These two phrases are kill joy for marriages.
Using Sex as a weapon
I touched a little on this on the sex blog but reality is that using sex to get what you want can create issues. It’s usually more of an issue if you are the type of spouse who denies it to gain what you want. Some people have had emotional scarring from a spouse that prevents them from looking past it to be sexual or even attractive. This is one of those come to Jesus moments that needs to be checked. Let me help you, you were having sex (for my non virgins) before marriage than all of a sudden you tired, head hurt, feet swollen, every excuse in the book you can think of. I know of some spouses both male and female who only get sex on their birthdays or one major holiday. What in the world? You want your spouse to keep their vows. Be sexual beings and only get it 2 times a year? Wait let me get my calculator out for this one? They are supposed to be on team faithful and not get any from their spouse? How does this mindset work. Again there are so many situations in between too, but if you are really trying to make things work you gonna have to make it work all the way around and get the help to make it happen.