Relationship Overhaul: Asking for too much too soon

Well here we go with more relationship questions from my Ask Toi.  Again if you want to ask an anonymous question please do so on

Today’s question comes from a young lady who wants to know how to deal with a man who wants her to put her cards on the table but refuses to do the same.  This is relationship sabotage.  You can’t keep asking and never giving no matter the relationship status.  You have to understand that if you want to receive you can’t be selfish. There’s no such thing as a one-sided relationship. A lot of people think that’s how it works but it doesn’t.

I have a friend she is dating a guy who doesn’t have his stuff together.  He always wants for her to do things for him.  He doesn’t initiate things and he doesn’t do anything for her. Wants her to call him but doesn’t call her.  Wants to borrow money from her but never has a dollar for her.  This is a relationship disaster.  A relationship should be fun, make you feel secure about yourself and be safe and healthy.  A one-sided relationship is an Atm machine.  You only “tap mac” when you need something.  You only tap your mate when you want something.  There are no flowers.  There is no romance.  There is no hey how are you doing I just wanted to hear your voice.  Nothing.  Only the one voice saying hey boo, can you feed me, cloth me, give me, take me, want me, me, me.  Only grown folks should be in a relationship.  Grown isn’t depicted by your age it’s depicted by how much you can handle responsibility.  If you are male or female and ready to embark in a relationship there are a few things to consider.

Can you handle the responsibility of a relationship?  Are you ready to look out for another person’s well-being?  This is emotional, physical, and spiritual.  If you can’t safely answer then its best to be upfront with someone and casually date.  Enjoy dinners, walks in the parks, but don’t start building when you don’t have the tools to make anything work nor if you don’t have the desire to.  You can get what you temporary want from several places. I’m not advocating people go out and screw everyone but let’s keep it real sex ain’t hard to get.  If you are wanting something meaningful do the work on you before you lock another person’s life with yours.  This is way before you can even get to the marriage stage.  If you are dating to be exclusive that means the person you were dating has shown you that they have the qualities that you are looking for and you ready to invest exclusive time to take it to the next step.  Why give all that time, love, and support to someone who you don’t plan into really taking things serious with.  Why should a man or a woman give of every resource they have and you just sit there collecting and never leaving a deposit?  If you don’t want to do the work, don’t mess over a woman or a man for the next one.

How can you proceed if you find you have invested and the person you were dating seemed like a winner but now they are a dud?  Simply cut back.  Stop giving.  When people can’t get what they want whether that be in responses, attention, resources, etc. they tend to show you who they really are.  A lot of actors can pretend but every actor got to lay his part down.  However this is the biggest key.  If you are writing in then the back of your mind you know the answer.  It’s easy to have knowledge of what to do but harder to implement it.  You are going to have to pull back.  The person you are dealing with has shown you their true colors.  How much more time and money do you have to invest in the one-sided relationship that you know isn’t going to work?  It doesn’t matter if every now and again they are nice.  Nice and being who you need is another thing.  Sometimes we excuse nice moments and forget about the tears you cried.  Your pillow shouldn’t be soaked with tears more than your happiness jar.  If a person is making you question their intentions, maybe the person to need to question is you.  Do NOT settle.  Yes its hard.  I can’t imagine dating in 2016 I honestly would be single and keep batteries.  I know that’s deep but that’s the reality of how it would be.  However choose yourself above another person’s leftovers. You are more precious than to receive trash and you given out the very best of you.




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