Relationship Overhaul: Time to Go!!

So the next Ask Toi was how do you get out of a relationship?  My mom always told me it’s easy to get in one and sometimes harder to get out.  It depends on why the relationship is ending.

If you are in an abusive relationship and regardless of kids or not you must have a plan. If he is financially supporting you than you still have to be strategic.  At no time and hear me clearly do you just get in someone’s face and tell them you out. This isn’t the way to go.  It doesn’t matter if they are emotionally or physically abusive, get a plan.  One thing my mom always told me is folks got to go to work.  Your plan should always be when there is a large stretch of space.  You should continue your interactions with that person as you normally would not to give them a heads up of what you may be doing.  Always attempt to moves with cash.  Often times you can be tracked by joint credit cards.  Tell someone you ABSOLUTELY can trust.  This is key.  It can’t be someone who can be easily broken to spill the beans.  I would make a call to many of the abuse hotlines to get tips as well.  Make sure that when you call to do so from a prepaid cell phone.  Often times your mate if they are abusive have a tracker or some way of tracking your calls.  They will call to see who you called or texted in a day.  Do not allow this phone to be in sight.  Whatever you do learn to move quietly. Make back up copies of important files and place them or mail them to someone who will hold them for you.  That way if they destroy things you will have what you need.  Also along the same lines of tracking send your bank statements (ie always attempt to have your own bank account) to a friend or family member.  Remember its all about getting a trusting network.

Always make moves sooner than later.  In the news alone in the last few weeks women have done the above and still have ended up harmed or dead including their children. Please know the signs of abuse such as not allowing you to see or spend time with loved ones, controlling behavior, etc.  You are grown. Controlling behavior and jealous behavior doesn’t mean he loves you a lot neither is it cute to see a man or woman mad over you. These are tale tell signs that you need to pick up on.  Many men and women will harm you and then love on you and tell you it’s not you its them and they will do better.  If he pushes, he will hit you.  If he hits you he or she will hit you again.  Please be safe and think outside of the box.  Do not just continue letting it happen you are worth more than the negative words and evil that the person in your life is speaking over and in your life.

If you are just waiting to cut the string to a relationship that no longer serves you.  Know the reason why.  Stand on that reason and then make the best decision.  If you have talked about it and yet it’s not going anywhere, than do what you must.  Be clear.  Do NOT think that giving a person an ultimatum is going to save your relationship.  Most times it won’t especially when you don’t live up to your words.  If you are a person constantly making idle threats with no back up then best belief that he or she will not take you seriously. Understand one thing about ultimatums are for you not the person.  You need to have it in your mind when you are going to be done and stick to it. If you wont honor your own desires no one else will either.

People sometimes give ultimatums for marriage.  If you don’t propose by the end of the year then I’m out.  Think of a few things before you start making these proclamations. Outside of you being together for too long what else suggests that the person is marriage minded.  Have they inquired about their credit and if there are things that need to be fixed what are they doing to fix it?  What are you doing to fix yours?  What is the current living situations for both of you?  What are your goals and what are you actively doing to make it happen?   Marriage is not to be entered in lightly. It’s not something you do just because you been together for 2, 5, 10 years.  If you have done the things you need to do to be married and your mate hasn’t maybe they just don’t want to.  People make excuses for their significant other but if we step out and see it from different eyes, we can see intentions.  One last thing potential sounds good on paper but potential can have you sitting and sitting and never on the side of production.  So be clear with yourself.  You don’t want a hush ring.  A hush ring is something you get from a man who says here you go, get the thrill of the ring over with but then you will sit for another few more years still waiting to become the wife.  Is that what you want?  Make it about you not the other person when it’s time.  Do NOT revive or attempt to revive dead relationships. If it doesn’t serve don’t hope it to life.  Faith without works is dead.

Few things that I need to address.  Letting a man or woman degrade you, talk down to you, call you out of your name, talk to you any old way is something that YOU have allowed. The second that a person does any of the above they don’t respect themselves or you. These are automatic reasons to dismiss a person. Why in the world of love would you allow this? Yes being single can suck when you aren’t doing the things you need to do like making memories, having adventures because you are waiting for someone else to join you, not living to your highest potential.  You need to evaluate your life if you see a raggedy man or woman in your life being more important than a quality man or woman who protects you, loves you and cares for you.  Take that temporary L and get you together.  While you are enjoying your life one will come to you but you got to be something to join to.

Lastly since this issue isn’t addressed as much-women stop hitting men. I am tired of seeing women telling other women to hit their men.  I would do this or I would do that, stop. Even if you did you were wrong.  If he did the same thing you would have an uncle, daddy or some other male ready to beat the man up but its not okay.  Time after time we push men and then say you better not hit me.  Respect yourself.  You can be a pitbull in a skirt but still get got.  NO I’m not advocating men hitting women, haven’t you been reading? Nobody wants to be hit or pushed.  Keep your hands to yourself and teach your daughters and sons the same.  This mess has to stop.

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