So yesterday was a bad day. A bad day of bad days. I was in my emotions. I was upset over what I felt others should do for me, talk to me, give me, wah wah wah.
Was I right in what I wanted,partially?. I wanted what I wanted. I make no excuses but I’m human. Here’s where I am wrong. When you find yourself saying the same things over and over again and you see there are no results. Stop! You are beating a dead horse. No amount of tears will change, no yelling will change, you officially are now a bug a boo to yourself.
I had to channel the Toi of my youth. That time when I was 18 and I allowed no one to dictate to me what I can or can’t do. Not in a disrespectful I do what I want tone, but in the sense where I didn’t allow little things to move me. I was pissed as hell yesterday. I got in my car ready to roll and as I sat there I realized a few things. One where was I going? What destination? What would be the purpose? Was this an adult tantrum? Once I got to whatever destination then what? Then I thought who would I call? Called my parents they were busy living life and didn’t answer. I could call other folks but after I got it out then what? Whatever was going on was on me to deal with.
So I slept. I used to do that after a beaten as a child. Sorry mom and dad but yeah I got a beaten but it was because I deserved it. I felt like that yesterday. I felt like I had gotten my ass kicked and I was sulking.
So what now? After the emotional release nothing changed around me. My kids are still tearing the house up and my husband is doing whatever he does. I had not caused a single bit of change around me. So now I’m sitting like the Grinch mumbling and life still went on. Now to a person who is dealing with inner issues this isn’t a time to insert the old I shouldn’t be here song. No you need to be here because you need to get you straight.
I actually saw my emotional fit happening since Friday. I tried to get it out but I was talking to the wrong source. I was talking to a source who didn’t want to interject and a source who can’t get involved. A source that quite frankly doesn’t understand my experiences or my triggers. So now it’s time to switch the audience. This was a question of how many more times will it take for me to get me right? Probably a thousand more times to be honest.
So what’s today’s message? You are your biggest support system. You got you. You have what it takes to get through any difficulty. You can make a difference in your own personal life. If you find yourself upset like I was don’t be a Grinch, get out and get right. Stop looking for someone to rub your back and tell you it’s okay. Eventually if you stop having the emotional outbursts you will find out if the one you have in your corner is really there or not. You hear all the time that people are there for you and if you get caught up in how it’s dressed you may miss out on the help or find that there was no help at all. People are more inclined to do for themselves. You better have selfish moments where you take care of your bottom line.
I had a conversation with my mom a few weeks ago. She told me to switch my focus. Not to look for solutions for the people around me but to get me together. At the time I had so many medical tests that I had to do. Like momma said you ain’t got time to worry about who is there and who ain’t. She was right. I heard her voice yesterday. I heard my dad tell me to get my own so I would never be dependent on someone else giving me the life I deserved. I heard my grandma who would have said girl dry your eyes and wave a finger and move along. The point in all of the messages is you and I have what we need and often times we know the answers. So do what you got to do and leave the rest alone.