Ask Toi: My husband is in the way, how do I end this?

The back story is that whenever the couple goes out especially in groups the wife feels like the husband is the third leg type of person since he has no relationship with her friends.

My answer to this is why are you married to your husband if you can’t take him around other crowds and enjoy his presence.  I mean husbands nor wives have to be at all functions.  You and him aren’t tied at the hip and if you are you shouldn’t have to be.  You both have your own friends and things you enjoy. However the flip to that is if EVERYTIME you go somewhere with him and YOU feel that, than the person to question isn’t him its you.  I am the type that suffers from anxiety so if your husband had felt that he was a third leg to you that would make sense.  I get anxiety even around people I know let along people I see on an occassion.  I would completely get that but if your husband is enjoying himself and you just plain old don’t want him there than that’s a YOU issue.  He doesnt have to know your friends or have a relationship with them to have a good time.  He can be cordial.  He can just be light and really get into whatever everyone is talking about.  You don’t want your husband to share in all aspects of your life?  You want your friends to be off-limits in a way.  My thing is are you going out with other couples?  I have friends that are in relationships some married and some not and when it’s just me and the girls time we do just that but if it’s a couples thing it’s not an issue to ask our significant others to come along.  If you don’t want him around for none of it than there’s a red flag.

It may be that you don’t want certain things to get out.  Being married means sharing life with your partner and it means the parts you like and the ones you don’t as well.  I feel like maybe you have another life you don’t want your husband in on. You need to deal with this within you and if you are feeling that think of one thing, would you be okay with it if the shoe is on the other foot?  If you husband had friends and NEVER wanted you around them regardless of the circumstances, how would that make you feel?  If you saw bad, or any other negative tone than you have to take a step back.

Marriage means enjoying life together.  It means that you may do things apart at times. Again I do not believe its healthy for a couple not to balance relationship, work, family, me time, and friend time and do all of that together ALL the time.  It is healthy for you to venture out and come back to have something to talk about.  It’s unreasonable for your paths never to cross when it comes to friends.  There are some of my husband’s friends I don’t vibe with well but I still cross paths and I am still cordial every time. Unless you provide more information that makes me understand your thinking than I am going to have to say this issue is on you to process and it may be deeper things going on that may have been a red flag long before you said your I do’s.  When you are building a life together you pick the one that you want to be around for all of it.  Your friends being off limits will only work if you are okay with him doing the same and most women woudlnt’ be.  You would want to know who your husband is around and being influenced by.  There isn’t a friend that my husband has that I don’t at least know of if not met.  Sad to say for me though its most of the time I just forget who they are.

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