Let me fill in my readers. The soon to be ex-wife and the late mother in law were at odds up to her death. When the mother in law passed the soon to be ex-wife made comments regarding his mother during the funeral as well as several weeks later. The husband came to the soon to be ex-wife and asked her to let him grieve before they talked and dealt with it. However, she didn’t and fed up he filed for divorce.
Let me say, my mother in law And I haven’t always been on the same page. I have always been a woman to stand up for myself and that alone has created many difficult conversations. I can say that both parties played their part.
However with some separating between her and I, has allowed us to have an adult relationship for the sake of my kids. In the last few months she has gotten ill. My plan has always been to support my husband in her recovery. I have also made sure that I visited her with or without him. Now again I know not everyone is me, however there are a few things you don’t do and speaking ill of the dead is one.
Even if your mother or monster in law (whichever fits) died in the same manner you envisioned, you learn to have a slice of class when helping your motherless husband heal. The situations that tore you and his mother apart don’t die with her. However the funeral and weeks later can be deemed too soon by all parties. He is grieving. He is hurt and a part of your husband is lost. This is not the time to celebrate that by even bringing up the situations that took place between you and her. Your job is to support your husband. It’s supposed to be about him and not you. You only get one mother. So even though his mother could have been awful, you don’t need to press the issue like this. Pain and death brings a lot of emotions and during this time is not the time to test them.
What you could have done is be respectful. I know plenty of folks that lived raggedy lives but you don’t hear people speaking wrong of them and the life that they may have lived during the funeral. When you do hear these types of stories it only draws on the people who state them and their lack of character.
The answer to your question is no he’s not wrong for asking for a divorce. We could play both sides and say he could have talked to you and heard your point but the reality is you did this while others were around and once you saw he was upset you didn’t end it but kept the conversations going on for weeks after.
Anyone who knows me knows I love my mom. And she and I have been honest about issues that could have or have come up. However nobody on this planet is going to be able to talk about her while she’s here let alone in her death. It’s one thing for you to talk about a situation that happened but even in that at the funeral was out of pocket. You couldn’t have waited or maybe had a conversation with your girlfriends away from him? Why at the funeral? Why after he asked you to chill did you continue?
There’s not one thing that you can’t do to support your husband. I have friends who have horrible situations to the point they don’t even speak. I can respect it. But not at the funeral. Let that man grieve. I can’t imagine anything that can make him change his mind. What you did showed a few things:
1. Death doesn’t heal you but the situation is over. You can only argue with 2 people. So if one of the parties are literally not here, then it’s over. You need to do what you need to do to heal. Coming at his mom in her death will not help you and your husband.
2. The fact that you allowed yourself in the moment to speak of his mother after a few hours of her burial, shows more of you. She’s not here to defend the situation but for you to keep it classy and your inability to be there to get him through has caused more damage than it was worth.
3. The actual hate you have in your heart is real. You don’t just dislike your mother in law but you hate her. However hate to this level will continue to chip at your marriage even if she was here. Think about the amount of times you most likely argued about her when you could have used that energy elsewhere.
4. You don’t respect your husband. If the shoe was on the other foot would you be okay with him of all people to talk about your newly late mother? Absolutely not. So since you wouldn’t be okay with it you know it doesn’t make it right.
Mother in laws and daughter in laws don’t have to like each other. Some do better not being around one another unless they truly have to. But the rule if you don’t have something nice to say don’t say it all definitely extends even after death.
My hope should you and your husband make your divorce final soon is to if you are sorry to say that. It may never make it right to him. However the bigger person to work on is you. You need to heal from the hurt of his mother as well as any other hurt you may have. Hurt people hurt people but at some point you have to take responsibility for this and any other things you caused.
Let me say to hurt daughter in laws, your experiences are real. If your mother in laws hurt you it is what it is. However you can’t avenge yourself by continuing the negativity. Let it go. If you can’t even begin letting it go at death than there’s a good chance you might not have had at any other point.
I do wish you well but I can’t even begin to condone what you did. Your husband isn’t wrong. Oh and let me end my answer for the daughter in laws who will say he’s being disloyal to his wife over his mother that’s not true. Theres a right and a wrong way to conduct yourself. For every action is a reaction. Be careful that you don’t continue to spew hate into the atmosphere and think that you will reap any good. That would have been the same response I would have given for issues with either party had they both asked and been alive but in death you can’t just disrespect yourself or your husband and think he will stay in the marriage under those terms. Ladies would’ve have done the same if their husbands had done it to them.