Ask Toi: Can a woman with kids require from the man she potentially wants to date to not have kids?

This is a slippery slope if you ask me.  We generally shouldn’t require from a potential dater something we can’t give.  If you want honesty you have to be willing to give it as well. There are men who will love and treat a woman’s children as his own. To say you require a man to not have kids usually comes from a place of not wanting to deal with the potential issues that the mother of his kids will bring.

However that seems a bit controversial to me since you have a father for your kid or kids may have to deal with.  I think when it comes to dating with kids you must be absolutely sure that your potential man loves you first. You can’t go into dating the said man without discussing that you have kids. This is not one of those things you can just jump out and say hey by the way I got kids.  Everyone should have the opportunity to agree or move 0n. 

If you want to require a man to not have kids then what are you willing to give that he may want? Obviously he would have to be okay that you have kids.  Are you willing to make the transition easier for him?  Are you willing after you see his potential to allow him time to adjust to this new life?  These are definite follow up questions. What if he doesn’t get along with your kids? Maybe your parenting style doesn’t fit his vision? Are you going to allow him at some point to have a real voice in discipline later on down the road? 

Dating with kids isn’t impossible but it does require two mature people to be open and honest. Also dating with kids does require a lot of give and take.  You could have a night set up and a child gets sick and plans change. A person who is dating has to be able to take the up and downs that come with raising kids. Not everyone is cut for it.  So when you see a man who isn’t instead of being upset, be glad you didn’t waste your time and heart. Your children will always be a packaged deal. The key is finding someone who is good for your ready made family. 

Last thing with dating with kids. Be super selective. You almost have to be more selective than most dating couples.  The reason is that you don’t want to date just any person. Too many men and women take on relationships just for the sake of not being lonely. The problem is that ill willed men and women do some horrible things to kids. Please be vigilant to make your kids a priority. No man or woman is worth your kids mental and physical well being. 

It’s not impossible but make sure that if you want a man that doesn’t have kids that you meet that man with what he needs to make it work for both of you as well.  

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