So today was something like an epic fail of sorts emotionally. I can’t put my finger on one event that set me off but once I was there, it was hard to retreat. I have been writing in my journal for over a year straight. I have been trying to pinpoint myself in regards to what sets me off. I found its normally when I allow someone to take space in my emotional bank, interest goes up but I am the one left paying the taxes.
I had a conversation with my younger self in my mind. I looked back at my former younger self and realized that the fearless me had really taken a seat to having to adult. I honestly wish at times I could have listened to my parents when they told me to slow down and stop trying to be so “grown.” Now at 35 almost 36 this year, I actually have to be adult. I have to care what people who matter think, be responsible, and balance all of the pulls that the many hats of my life need. Today I honestly just wanted to take people and slap other people with them. I know what you’re thinking, why in the world would I say that? The answer is those were the emotions I felt. I really get irritated when I can’t just tell people what I want or need, and they get it. The long answer is the world doesn’t revolve around me. I have not yet mastered mind reading. I haven’t made enough money to go to a secluded island but I am working on it. Life happens. People are wishy-washy. I am temporal in how I feel from moment to moment.
Pushing Past Things or People
I was asking myself what tools do I already have that can make me legit happy. True happiness. I am talking about joy. I am not talking about the fake smile you have to give a boss to keep the coins coming in. I am not talking about the spirit of agreement you have to give a spouse just to keep the peace. I am talking about the joy that when others irritate you beyond belief, you can keep on making moves. This mentality is so important for the person who is super unhappy that they are taking life’s journey alone. FYI, you can be married and alone so this supersedes marital status. People and things don’t always change. You however have the opportunity to change your response. You can mentally retreat. You can take a mental break. You don’t have to stop making moves to satisfy whomever your mind tells you that you need to make what you want to align with your desires. YOU can still recover a bad attitude, a bad mental space, raggedy thinking, etc.
The tools that I have to make my personal life better is my smile. If you allow things to take your smile often times that in itself is an outward manifestation that your inner peace wasn’t taken but you gave it away. Now let’s not get it twisted, life is no fairy tale. There are bad days, mean-spirited people, and just an overall irritation for us all. Smiling is a manifestation that all is well, smiling is your way of showing you that you are still alive and well. Others may benefit from our smile, but your smile was first made for you. My mother in law used to tell me that I didn’t smile enough and that was true. I didn’t realize the power of my smile to keep me grounded.
Asking others to do for you what you won’t for yourself
Irritation comes in the form when you find yourself self-dependent on others to do for you what you won’t do for yourself. We all need others to be successful, but there is a fine line between having others to see you through and being paralyzed by others not coming along for the ride. I was paralyzed when I moved to Philadelphia years ago. It was normal in the beginning. Then it went left when I would sit in the house and wait for my fiancé to come home to take me to a location 10 minutes away and I had a car. Did I go to the location and get lost? No. Did I even get dressed like I wanted to be somewhere? How long was I gonna sit and wait? A year. Sadly a year I sat miserable waiting day in and day out. Then get mad because my fiancé was supposed to support my sit out. Everyday a new argument. Everyday just paralyzed. After I got mad, cursed, cried and threw a tantrum I realized it was 10 minutes away. If I wanted something it wasn’t fair for me to expect it while I sat and did nothing. If I wouldn’t get up and do things how could I expect him to do I for me. What and who are you allowing to paralyze you? Everybody isn’t required to be everything to you all the time. Seriously stop taxing others for places in your emotions you should be fulfilling or places God wants space.
So you’re irritated. So you’re ready to go on a slap fest. You have had it with the world. Get it out. Acknowledge it. Don’t just sit and not take care of you. Don’t sit there apologizing a thousand times, get up and change you. Do you know that defeat is more in our minds before it comes out of our mouth or someone else’s? If whatever is going on makes you feel hopeless, miserable, defeated, sad, down, upset, etc. don’t stay there. Don’t do a year like I did for something that only would have taken 10 minutes. Don’t give your joy and dependability to something and someone who you are requiring more from that you are unwilling to give to yourself or of yourself.
When my marriage at one point had hit a rocky point I was told from a trusted older married woman to treat my husband the way I would treat him if he was everything I wanted. Wait, you mean I had to actually align my actions in spite of him. No ma’am. I do not want to be nice. I do not want to play fair. I do not want to be loving and look past fault. I want to be Petty LaBelle. I want to argue until I win and he is mad. I however want all of that in return. How dare I want what I wasn’t willing to put out? How dare I just sit and cry and not take care of me? How dare I wait for him to apologize? No. I want what I want. I want him to treat me like a goddess while I am out giving miserable, unhappy, unfulfilled vibes. I want him to want to come home to a hot plate and be glad I didn’t throw his food in the trash while I chew his head off about a cup. Duh, these are desirable traits. How much more you? You want the universe, God, and a fairy dust to give you a good job but won’t show up to the job you have on time. Wait, you want a husband but you really just want to be able to get one before the rest of your girlfriends just to brag. You haven’t or even willing to do what needs to be done. How about those emotional taxes? You don’t want to pay them but you want someone else to take care of them, right?! How does that work? Let me know. Take care of you and still get things done. Take care of you while you are in the limbo of life. It will be the difference between being sound and just appearing sound.