Ask Toi: I am dating a woman and I am a woman and my girlfriend is very controlling..says that shes been better than anyone male or female and I should deal, what is your advice?

It doesn’t matter to me that you are a woman dating another woman.  No relationship should be so demanding and controlling.  If it makes you uncomfortable than it should be heard and followed through with change, period.  Just because a partner is better than the others you had that doesn’t mean they can take advantage of you and do what they want.

You must tell your girlfriend that this demanding and controlling behavior is too much. Let her know that you need her to back off not just for a season but to actually make real change.  Demanding and controlling relationships are like life suckers.  They are draining. They make you not want to participate or you begin to withhold information, or how you interact out of a fear of what they will say or feel.  If this isn’t what you want to continue you must stop it now. Relationships like this left unchecked will only progress to a worst stage.  She will be stopping you from hanging out with your friends or family. Healthy relationships mirror where two people have a life together as well as other outside interests that the other mate doesn’t have to be involved in.  Healthy relationships allow the other mate to be an adult and fall sometimes and support.

This concept that relationships require you to be joined at the hip even for married couples is a concept that needs to stop.  There should always be respect in what you do when you aren’t around your girlfriend but if she feels she must control what you do, than you are merely a child like person to her that she thinks she can manipulate.  I know married couples who do the same.  The controlled mate always talks about it to others but don’t always feel as if they can talk to their mates for fear that the other mate will get offensive. If you are an adult than adults should have the ability to figure out the things going on in their life without a mothering or controlling type over them calling the shots. This is not healthy.  If the controlled mate can’t handle life than the two of you shouldn’t be in a relationship.  It sounds as if you are the opposite and know right from wrong.  Just speak up.  Some people attract the type of person who controls but that usually comes from some unanswered issues from their childhood.  You can work this out but if you see your girlfriend slip in any way you may have to call it quits.  I am not advocating breaking up right off the bat, but you have to be in a mature relationship.  You are not a child, you are a strong, abled bodied woman capable of making good and bad decisions on your own.  Talk it out and than just life your life and try to incorporate her in it.  You might find she isn’t the right fit and that just means you are that much closer to knowing what you want and finding the one that you need.  Controlling relationships no one wins.  The one controlling is tired all of the time having to do and speak up and the one being controlled is just as irked.  Good luck!

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