Ask Toi: We have an open marriage in that we don’t check in with each other but now he’s booking trips without me, what do I do?

This not checking in life for marriage doesn’t settle with me.  Even in the absence of children in a marriage this concept of everyone doing them sounds like polar opposite of what marriage looks like to ME.  This is my opinion.  I think that two individuals can be married to each other and have separate likes and do separate things but not checking in at all or not checking in only in emergencies makes no sense.  It makes me wonder what did you get married for?  A roommate? Live in sex partner?  You can have these things without marriage.  Even single committed people check in from time to time.

I have no idea as to why you and your partner opened this can of worms but this is an example of how it can back fire.  You can have single trips meaning trips you take with friends or a yolo trip of your own without your spouse.  This is healthy when you can do these things and both partners be on the same page.  It sounds like to me whatever arrangements you had are no longer working for you.  I don’t know how many trips your partner has booked but it sounds like you don’t agree with it.  Open marriages are not for everyone even if you take out the sexual part of it.  All marriages are open to what you and the partner involved define it.  Although I have given you what I think you and your partner ultimately make the decisions on what happens and what doesn’t happen.  It sounds like you and your partner need to have a conversation and you need to express how you really view the whole checking in process.  What if you wanted to take your spouse on a trip? I mean it just seems like there are too many variations to this concept.

You should express how you feel.  Talk about what this no checking in concept really should be for you two.  Accept that if there trips booked, that since you once had this open policy that you may not be able to change those trips.  You can talk about a plan going forward but whatever is on the plans with your partner may remain.  I think that you can’t expect your partner to cancel their plans.  I do not think that is fair at all.  If you accepted it then you can talk about a future only plan.  I was always taught not to open a can of worms on what you know for sure you aren’t willing to fully accept.  Like for instance couples who play that go sleep on the couch game.  They may go to that couch a few times until they get sick of it and decide to leave the house altogether.  Both of you are grown no one person can tell another what to do.  However in a marriage it supposed to be about the team.  No one person is dominant over another although women like to think they have this ability.  If you want to see a relationship dwindle treat your spouse like a child and watch it end fast. Talk this one out.  You and your partner has set the bar pretty low on expectations when it comes to communication but its going to take communication and honesty to make this work.  What happens if your partner doesn’t want to change this way of living?  I can’t answer this.  To my readers its been this way for 5 years.  This is a long time to then turn around and change if both of you aren’t on the same page.  Hopefully bending, communicating, and agreeing is still apart of your marriage and this can be worked out.  But be prepared that your partner will not want to change.

To my future couples, don’t ever put something on the table that you aren’t willing to deal with the long-term consequences or reactions of that decision.

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