This is a topic a lot of people like to avoid. It makes people extremely uncomfortable. No one wants to extend grace to a person who doesn’t deserve it. None of us really has earned grace. We are all messed up and flawed but when someone does something that personally is off-putting the first response isn’t to move on and act like nothing happened.
Forgiveness like I’m sure you have heard is for you. It does more for you then it will ever do for the other person. It releases the sting of the offense. It frees you. But why if it’s so good for you is it so hard to do? Hurt feelings is like a knife. It will continue to cut if you allow it. So although the person may never give you an apology or even admits that what they did hurt you, just know that the journey towards forgiveness is healing and healing can be messy.
Let me not paint a picture that you get hurt and immediately have the mindset to just say it’s ok forgive and walk away. I would be lying. I think it’s the biggest lesson to date for me live out each day. You can be hurt, upset, and angry and sometimes all at the same time. Pain sucks! It should also be known that it’s a reminder too. Sometimes the ones I didn’t want to let go has caused me the hardest pain so I knew better than to go back and set myself up again.
I don’t have a magical list of how to get over it! I know that even if I did and you followed that list you still may find yourself struggling to forgive. I’ve said it before sometimes you have band-aids on and when something happens it opens the scar right back up. This is why for me it takes a minute to even have the conversation of forgiveness let alone do it. I’m super petty and will be the first to admit it. As I’ve gotten older I’ve finally realized that I can just forgive for real and not allow people in my space and it’s okay to do so.
Having the offender in your circle doesn’t give you a sense that you are fine no more than walking away and closing the door. It’s usually someone who has offended a person that says we should be able to sit amongst each other. They are both right and wrong. You can be in someone’s presence if you had to but you can also choose who has a seat of your life. The person who was offended makes the call not the offender who wants you in their circle so it erases the sting they caused.
I had a friend I cut off a few years ago reach out and wanted to know if we could just pick up like we had before. I had to let them know no and that I’m not the same person I was years ago. I asked them for forgiveness for what I had caused them, wished them well and re-shut the door. Do I believe people can change? Yes. I feel like I’ve changed. However she had to understand that I wasn’t going back to make her feel better about what was done no more than the many people I’ve pissed off that won’t do the same for me. You see how that works?! I too have done, said, and acted and there are folks out there even with my blog that wouldn’t spit on my me if I was on fire. If I had an opportunity to say sorry or for the ones I have, I do understand that relationships may never be like it was. I am okay with that and continue to live my life the best I know how.
Forgiveness is a gift that makes you whole. I do not expect people to run to me and apologize. People are people. Just like I am a person who probably has things I need to square away. Some opportunities may not happen because mutually it’s understood and neither party is in distress. Value in relationships matter and the ones you value you work harder to mend.
I hope that you take stock on your own life. Hurt and pain can mess a person up. Forgiveness is hard but necessary. Every sorry isn’t heartfelt. Every sorry will not mend a relationship. Forgiveness is a journey but see the value in what it releases in your life even if the value in whom you are up against seems less worthy!!