Sunday Message: Healthy Friendships

Friendships help you as you walk this journey. It has to be healthy above all. A friendship that has you stressed, feeling pressed or any other negative friendship needs to be re-evaluated and possibly let go.

I’ve been taking a stock of friendships lately. Which ones are requiring more from me than that person is willing to give? Which ones suck the life out of me because it’s filled with women who want to show off that their better than? Which ones have it based upon length of friendship but lack mutual love? I’m looking at them all. I have nothing in my life or anyone that I don’t constantly evaluate and friendships are no different.

I’m not willing to make changes in my life but allow myself to be blind to the factors that matter. For instance as I get older turning up isn’t my thing anymore. I can gave a good time but to have a friend who only wants to turn up doesn’t serve me anymore. I’m more into brunches, dinners, going to try new things. I have one friend in particular our monthly dates is a list of things we both haven’t done and we fuse the list and attack it.

Some people think that because of length of friendship means I will tolerate being in an argumentative state, dealing with flakiness, or having someone who I literally go into anxiety with because one or more friends are take over legends, or spends more time showing off that they know everything. This I was okay with in my 20s. It seemed quite normal to be that friend or even accept that friend. Now I know for a fact I can’t be around that and I’m definitely not spending my coins to do activities with no one like this.

When I’m with friends I listen to phrases like “oh that’s how so and so are.” If you have a friend or a group of friends and someone states that, listen to it. This means that something is being done that one or more don’t like but tolerated. This is a red flag. The more you make excuses for those around you in the name of friendships you spend more time defending it instead of actually enjoying their company. Don’t be afraid to either call them out or call yourself out. You can withdraw or just put checks and balances in place!

If you’re out with friends and your friend is loud, obnoxious, or rude understand if you continue to hang out with them it’s a reflection of you. I have a few friends who fit that mode. I hang out with them less and less because my life can’t take all that foolishness. Life isn’t a reality show. So I place checks and balances in place. For instance, I never get in their car to go to places because when I’m done I leave. I also try not to go to places by which I’m going to be embarrassed. They have a right to be like they are and I have a right to roll when I’ve had enough. Eventually to be honest the relationship will fizzle. We won’t be on the same pages. I know some folks saying that me being like that is lack of loyalty. That’s fine to think that too. However anything and anyone who vexes my spirit to the point where I leave from their presence upset, hostile, or mentally drained is not showing loyalty to myself!

Also within friendships the keep it real friend is sometimes the friend that can cause the most irritation. I’ve learned to just listen and see what my friends need of me. I don’t have to analyze them or what they are going through. Sometimes when life is going to Hell you may just want to have fun. The keep it real friend feels the need to insert themselves and be the everything guru. Nobody wants that all the time. You can be real and have real go real left. Just because you are in a different place than another; everyone’s timing on what they tolerate is different. It reminds me of the show Insecure where Molly told Nathan not to show up cause she was protecting Issa. She was being a good friend by attempting to control the players around Issa. Molly couldn’t see the mess in her own life. Everyone was used to Molly being altogether. You’re stuff can look together and be off. Support your friend. You don’t have to be the one that demands that they adjust to your standards.

I saw something on social media that spoke volumes:

Also group friends be clear! I’ve seen many issues go down in group friendships. The best kind is when everyone can hang but the rules of friendships are clear. If your group is based on the fact that you all share a mutual friend, it’s not a real group friendship. Also unless the other members of the group have given permission to share the business between them, the one or usually the semi leader who shares it is wrong. Period! Don’t share folks stuff without them knowing it. Especially if it’s stuff that they themselves didn’t share. The group can be a great support system if their actually supporting each other. I’ve had to call some folks out in a group because I knew that one of the group members didn’t need or want one member sharing intimate details that they weren’t willing to share. Please be clear on that. Some of the most embarrassing things can cause some issues down the line.

Healthy friendships support each other. They are there for one another. There is mutual respect. If you’re grown let grown folks be them. No one should be criticized in the name of “not on my watch” mindset. I’ve made up a new personal rule if one of my friends calls me out I’ll listen but instead of complaining later you can best believe I’m going to speak out on it immediately. Any friend that attempts to call me out in front of others; that’s a definite stop and block. Embarrassing a friend is not a friend!

Let me give you an example, I had a friend who we were meeting. This was when I was in my depression, I looked a mess. She kindly emphasis on kind took me to the side and talked to me. She found out what was wrong and told me she was there and didn’t tell anyone else that I’m aware what was going on. I’ve always appreciated her being there and understanding me. Now I had another friend do the same thing but did it loudly and in front of others and I’ve never forgotten how it made me feel. Being real and having tact goes together. I made a promise to myself to never allow that to happen again. I should have spoken up when I felt bad but instead graced that friend something they weren’t willing to grace me and that was simple understanding.

This is why friendships mean so much. You choose the relationship. It’s not like family and where the choice was taken. Be careful of who you link up. Friendships that make you anxious, upset, or hurt may need to be evaluated. There are simple rules of engagement and those rules should start out with respect. So as you begin your week and you are feeling like taking stock of your life; start with you and then start with the choices of relationship you entertain. You have the power to allow relationships to stay or leave! Choose wisely!

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