So failing is a part of life. There is no way of getting around it. The more you become successful in any area, there are a thousand times you will fail at another. Failures is how we learn sometimes. It doesn’t mean you should just go out in the world and fail it up. Trust me if you get up and take a few steps into your day, something can and will go left. So we don’t talk about them because hey we have a few chapters in our life that we want to forget or act as if we didn’t do or we want to hide from. I am no different. I would love to write a tell all book of just me but I am not there yet. For now, lets dig deep into my vault of life, love, and broken promises to talk about a few failures and what I learned from them.
The failing helped me to be a better person, wife, and mother. That’s how life works. Nothing is really designed to over take you like your mind tells you it will. It’s all designed to be a part of your destiny. These are super personal but they are mine and it is what it is:
- The first failure that I could remember was telling my momma’s business. I wont go into the punishment but back in the day momma’s didn’t play that. I would be the child that would have someone call and then not follow the script and say my momma said she’s not home!
- The first time I lied-whew child. The lie was probably over something dumb. But my brain made it seem like a good idea at the time. I definitely didn’t do well later in life. It took some time learning to be honest and vulnerable in honesty. Now even if I know someone will think the worst of me I will tell it before you do. Why? Life will not stop by my truth even when my head used to tell me it would.
- Sent a love letter to a boy who I liked when I already had a “boyfriend.” We talking about Junior High here. I was dating someone well church dating. Church dating meant you was able to claim someone and sneak a kiss or hold or hand. I wasn’t allowed to call nobody my boyfriend we were just “friends.” I was slick I used that to talk to someone else and what happened? The pastor read the note in front of the church. Oh as I got older I had to pray that get back spirit off of my life. I really wanted to tell that pastor further off. However I learned real quick not to attempt to juggle more than one. I had to revisit that lesson. However neither of the boys was worth my time at that time. Had I been more focused on me, I could have gathered them wisdom nuggets a lot sooner.
- The 609 times I broke up with my current husband when we were dating in college. I broke up with him the first time freshman year because I didn’t want my parents to know we were dating. I still called him on the side. Matter of fact I found ways to see him and it was a mess. If I could go back I wouldn’t have disrespected my parents, or lied about the relationship in the beginning but I should have found ways to be independent of what they thought in general. It would have saved me crying on the way home freshman year looking like boo boo the fool. Finding yourself in college is a full-time job.
5. I spent all of my college years concerned about image over what was in my heart to do. Had I done that a few below lessons would have been a lot smoother. I wished that I had learned that the mistakes that my parents and even I thought were mistakes didn’t need to be hid. I could have walked in my truth and allowed my parents the opportunity to accept me with those flows and been prepared if they didn’t. That it wasn’t disrespect to not live up to their expectations if that meant living a double lie (I said that right). Who I was becoming and figuring out after 18 what my expectations were for myself and how important to have that standard set on my own terms. The reality is it was my fault based on fear. Never be afraid to be you regardless of what it will cost. But be prepared to pay whatever costs come along with it!
- Losing my scholarship I can’t remember what year I did. I think it was like junior year. I lost it due to an accident and being too proud. I was making great grades got into an accident and didn’t want to take a semester off. I had one working arm since the other was dislocated and I felt like taking the semester off would hold me back. It almost did. I had to study 19 credit loads, work 3 jobs to avoid coming home and looking like a failure to my parents. My whole college year was discovering who I was. I learned not to run home to my parents for everything. Working hard made that degree that much more special to me because I remembered them nights I wanted to fall asleep instead of getting my school work would cost me. I would literally be throwing money away.
- I failed my freshman math. It was a shock, like the crying like a baby shock. I was a straight A student since 2nd grade, getting a F on a test made me feel like the biggest loser. I know now how petty it was, but at the time I knew I would flunk out. It wasn’t as bad as my mind told me. Flunking helped pick up my pride and for the first time what came is was only going to come to me if I worked hard.
- Not going to Dickinson college. You would think anyone who could work 19 credit hours and work 3 jobs wouldn’t be so scared to go to Dickinson college but I was. I went to Penn state because they offered me a full scholarship AND I was familiar with the campus. My heart was at Dickinson. Thankfully I met some awesome folks freshman year that made me get move past that feeling. Dickinson represented going to law school and for the longest time even now I think about it. I didn’t want to go where I didn’t know anyone and felt more secure around being comfortable. This lesson I am always learning now. That hard work may be uncomfortable and that I can do anything.
- Staying at a job that I should have left. I did this at least once in life. I would come to work so angry and crying in my car because I knew my potential would never amount to where I was working. I gave my notice but by then the job shut down. No disrespect or harm but being scared to leave made me question myself. Was I really as strong of a person to stay where I should have rolled from? But circumstances and needing that check kept me there weeks after red flags said get the Hell out of here. Never stay for a check at anyone’s job. Even if you felt like you can’t get another one, use your job to fund your passion but never stay when the grace shows you to go.
- The many times I held my peace and tongue when my gut said speak. I have so many situations that I would love to go back and not necessarily give a piece of my mind but speak my truth in a better way. I apply this lesson all the time. I don’t think there is anyone on this planet that I can’t speak my truth to. Even my parents who I love, I am not nor have I ever been the type to not believe in something and speak on it. However as an adult I will never accept just any old thing to maintain any level of relationship. I will continue even respectfully not allow anyone to stagnant my voice in any way.
- Not moving out of my mother in laws home sooner. I was threatening my husband every other week that I would leave but I stayed. I should have had the mindset to leave for my right reasons. I kept listening to everyone telling me to stay and didn’t realize that for my own peace that leaving didn’t mean I loved anyone in the home less, it would have meant I love me more. Self-care and self-love are important and leaving may be the peace that you need no matter if it’s a marriage, or living situation. I am a firm believer that the fear of leaving can’t keep me where my peace won’t stay.
- Saying yes to a thousand things to please those around me. My new motto is no if its going to make me talk about how much I didn’t want to later. No to anything that makes me angry. No to anything that robs me of peace no matter who it is. So if someone invites me to something that I don’t want to go-its a NO sis. I am not going to things to make someone else happy while I have to gripe and be miserable later.
- Not leaving my home church sooner. It’s not disrespect to the pastor or anyone there. What I got from there and the memories was beautiful but I stayed when I knew the choice to leave was mine. I let others and what others think keep me there for longer than the grace to stay carried me.
- Breaking into my husbands/boyfriend phone. I have done this a few times. Every time there was something there that I didn’t like. If you check either insecurity drew you or you knew in your heart what was already there…… (sorry but its true)
- Keeping the wrong friends too long. Sometimes the situations that keep happening is a wake up call. Not answering them as if they will go away is disservice to yourself. A lot of friendship no matter how long I have had them are always been reviewed as I change, people will change and I am learning to accept it.
- Dating a friend’s man. I have sadly done this. If your friend had them they are off-limits no matter what. Also leave folks in relationships in general alone. Don’t believe the hype whether married, play play separated, or unhappy-never do it! I know a lot of folks reading this like oh chile she was messy. I was indeed. But trying to find love in all of the wrong places I am sure I am not the only one nor will I ever be the only one. I learned from it and if I find myself in a place where I need to get back in the dating pool, I will honor myself and my kids most of all to do the right thing.
- The thousand and one times I didn’t pay a bill on time because I was thinking it wouldn’t be a big deal. If you are in your 20s take that time to build and not floss. There isn’t nothing cute about credit card debt if you can avoid it and you can. You can ball on a budget. That mess stayed in my 20s. Soon as I had a kid, the amount of money to waste ended. Also not being honest in where my finances were made me make some dumb decisions too. It’s okay to say you don’t have it or you can’t afford to do it or stay home. My parents tried to teach me that one but nope I didn’t listen.
- Dating the man who ghosts you. I know this came up on Insecure but the reality was I dated a man for almost a year that I only saw at night one (aka he probably had a girl) and two when we did go out it wasn’t often. The sex (cough cough) was super amazing. I told myself at the time that I was young and didn’t need to be tied down and it would be okay. BUT for sure I was never the one who liked casual dating and if I was to ever divorce I doubt I would be the type.
- Not being a great sister to my siblings. Overall no cap I think I have been great to them to a certain degree but I had so much crazy crap going on that I couldn’t be there for them like I wanted to because I was getting me together especially in my early years. I also didn’t want them entangled in my stuff so it was easier to be a little flaky than to have them in it. What people thought was me not supporting them was me taking care of loose ends that I wanted no one to be involved with.
- The many times I have lost my cool in front of my kids. Now let’s be clear losing my cool in front of my kids is when I would find myself yelling or having a moment where I should have just went into the bathroom and cried. These moments taught me that one all moms do it. Two I am human and 3 apologizing to them is important. I have less stress moments like that but I keep the same energy of watching myself around them and watching my words more. I would hate to know that something I said will scare them in their later years.
- Making myself less happy to make others happy with me. I know now that happiness evolves as I grow. It changes as I change. But I enjoy doing my own thing. I am married and love my husband’s company but since we do differ on events to go to, we do well meshing things together but I still love going to hear someone speak on my own. I still love to go self-care and self-help events on my own. I love going to the movies by myself and not sharing my popcorn. I love going to blogging events on my own. I am not a hermit but I am multidimensional. Doing things on my own makes me feel secure and still connected.