It’s been quite some time since I’ve had an issue with triggers or depression. I’ve been able to do whatever I’ve needed to do to push through. I’m grateful! But on Sunday I had a moment hit me before an event that made me have to reset a million and one times.
The reason for me speaking openly about it is because I know I’m not the only one. I have moments when something will remind me of something in my past, a frustrating moment and it’s debilitating. It stops me from being a doting mom and forget me being a wife in that moment. As supportive as my husband is the reality is that it’s a lonely experience. He’s never going to understand it. There isn’t enough love to love me out of it sometimes! It’s sounds harsh but it’s true! It’s not something that a cup of coffee or glass of wine will fix! I experience so many mixed emotions during a bad trigger and it makes me in the moment feel extremely weak. People think that if you’re a person who experiences these lows that you can just snap out of it and that’s not the case. I’ve had people see me in these moments who have sat and discussed it. I’ve had friends of my husband know more about it than I would ever have shared outside of the blog. I’ve isolated myself from my family and friends because it feels like the most horrible feeling of being someone who can see it creep up and not be able to pull back!
I’m not alone. Anxiety and depression has many people who recognizes it’s ugliness. You feel isolated because if and when you are in a trigger you can’t formulate what you feel to someone who isn’t trained. Most times it comes with ridicule and no answers. I had that moment. I know what works for me in those moments. Sometimes retreating helps. Even in those moments it’s lonely! It’s feels angry and uncomfortable and uncontrollable! I dislike it even though I’m in a better place to push myself out of it! I’ve coped with it and extremely honest these days about it!
As someone who is a creator my mind doesn’t work like most! My mind has a thousand one creative flows. It’s a blessing and a curse. This is what I do when I get in it!
I get quiet. I may even been irritable. People don’t understand that irritability is a sign of anxiety and depression! I also sometimes in an extreme flare may need to retreat. It’s uncommon for people who have a blog, 3 kids and other responsibilities to be able to retreat but without the ability to do it I can’t manage. In those quiet moments it’s probably the hardest. I feel like I should be in a better place to have to pull back! I should be able to act like I’m fine but nope it’s okay to not be okay. I find it disheartening to hear people talk about others fighting as if just because their fight is different it’s less honorable than them. We ALL got issues.
I showed up for myself regardless! It’s how I come out! I used to spend days inside of a trigger and now I can have it flare from a few minutes to a few hours. I do everything I can to come out! If music doesn’t work, podcasts might, prayer might, a good movie might, a nap might, writing why I’m grateful might! Whatever it takes reset yourself! Reset yourself even if you are feeling alone. Reset yourself even when it hurts! Reset yourself even when you don’t feel like you are going to come out because you will!
This Monday is dedicated to those who suffer in silence. It’s dedicated to those who suffer and are worried about the ones telling you to get over it and it may not be easy to do! It may hurt! It may be stressful! Whatever it is show up! Show up and do everything you can to reset! I promise you I understand and if I could would give you the biggest hug, high five, whatever it takes to let you know I don’t judge you! Take Monday and any day you have this feeling and shake it until it falls!
I’m grateful to push through!