We are going into Love week and let me just say that there will be so many mixed emotions. When I was single and I mean single single-no date, no one on the bench and I just kept wanting to be married Valentine’s Day was hard. I get it. I didn’t know anything about self-care so that days like this could sting a little less.
One thing and what I am about to say of course is my personal feelings: wanting to be married and having marriage be the only thing you have on your mind are two different things. When all I had was getting married on my brain it caused me to emotional spiral. It was hard to see past this supposed desire. Where did it come from? I take full responsibilities for my feelings. I could blame it on a number of things but one aspect I am going to mention is being a married mind church didn’t help. By the time I had even gotten to 18 all I heard is going to college is nice but being married and building a future with someone was better. Like honestly how was I supposed to build a life at 18 with a man when I had never lived on my own? Hadn’t made my own money? Hadn’t traveled? Hadn’t figured me out? Didn’t know what I loved? These are things no one explores at least at my childhood church unless you navigate it with another person. Many of the marriages that started during my early adult years have fizzled out. The divorce rate is high if I count those marriages. Just because you have an extreme like for someone, love and commitment is another. Loving the Lord is not enough to make a marriage work.
Many of the couples were pushed to be married because we were all being spoon-fed this message. I remember going to college and meeting my now husband and thinking wow I am going to graduate and get married. He didn’t feel that same way and through that and other issues we went our separate ways. So here I was thinking if marriage is so great how come I couldn’t lock down the man I loved with everything I had? Simple-I ain’t have no business talking about marriage. There are some couples who can get married at 18 with pennies to their name and last. I know of one couple in mind that I grew up with and they still going strong. That’s not everyone else’s story. I didn’t want a man to stay with me just because we have kids or marry me because of children since that’s the best thing to do to keep a family together. Love. Love means work but having your stuff together is equally important. I don’t mean have all of the answers but spending time with yourself is important.
Raw and Real Conversation
My husband and I have had this conversation and as much as we love one another and know that marriage was for us I think had I been about my business of living we wouldn’t have almost 8 years under us. Maybe a few years but definitely not that many years. I allowed this marriage minded to push us into this union before its time. That doesn’t mean I don’t love him or that our marriage wasn’t ordained from the beginning of time but we could have had the same love and union had we refocused first. Again let me reiterate he and I have had this conversation and we are comfortable with us and it. So no need to clutch your pearls. He and I have been around and knowing each other for over 20 years and we are at a place of real and raw love at this place. So these hard conversations become less and less hard to speak authentically.
To a woman who is tired of being single, I get it. I don’t have that as my life but I get it. I get the cries seeing folks coupled up and wondering when is your time, but please build a life that once your husband comes you come to the table with something to offer. Come with passport stickers. Come with an education. Come to the table with a plan of what you want instead of allowing him to make the life for you. There’s nothing wrong with having marriage be your goal but if you ask some of those who are honest like me they will tell you that the life is hard and it’s great but its work. This isn’t an antimarriage lesson. I can’t talk down on marriage. Marriage is good but it can also be smokescreen if you haven’t spent time to be real with yourself first. If all you are doing is complaining about how there’s nothing to do in life marriage isn’t for you. What will happen when life falls and you don’t have much? If you can’t even navigate boredom how will you navigate life’s many challenges with another person? Let me guess the wings of love will carry you? Nope! It will carry you right into immediate aggravation. You don’t want that. You want your own foundation to be right so when you connect with the other person it will be solid gold. The best foundation may not protect a storm from coming but it can make you better prepared.
So to my ladies I get it but let’s live and let love come into us by being first partakers of the amazing love we can offer ourselves. You will be able to weed out some of the BS that men come with when they too can see that all you want is marriage. They will give you their last name only and you will be in a marriage alone if you don’t love on you a little longer. If you think that his leading means you stand quiet without using proper influence to get you both to greatness. Love is great when you love with full purpose. Live and Let love the right way!