Sunday Message: Give Up Cycle

There are many things in life that we all have to push through is not giving up.  It comes in cycles.  You get really motivated and if you’re not careful, you go into justifying why its okay and you will get back into a flow after a while. As time keeps going you fall off completely telling yourself the goal was necessary.  Such a harsh pattern to be in.

There are ways to get past.  One take your bigger goal and break it down into smaller goals.  This is a good way to get the motivation moving towards the goal of completion. With technology there’s no reason you can’t keep your goals in your mind, on your phone, and in your vision.  What are you doing daily to keep the goals fresh on your to do list?  I usually look at my vision board that I took a picture of and attack one thing in each category that will get me to the finish line. How can I be productive?  How can I use that idle scrolling on social media time to push me to better limits?  This is the mindset to have daily.

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Failure is a apart of life.  We win and lose at variations. Failure hurts. Failure burns.  Failure is embarrassing.  Some of my most humbling failures still make me emotional but I know it is necessary for my story down the line. Consistency is necessary and staying the course comes from not getting stuck in the giving up cycle, where we let the human part of justifying why we fell off and staying in that part of cycle stalls our progress. Think about it in simple ways.  If you ask a kid why they did something they most likely squirm making up excuses that don’t make sense. That is how we look in the mirror of life using excuses like “not having enough money,” “too tired,” “not strong enough,” etc. Meanwhile those who have less than us take the same excuses we sell ourselves in their watered down versions and make magic.

Giving up cycle comes to all of us.  Just because you see someone have a different level of success than her, stop focusing on that.  Focus on how you can take charge of your areas, stay out of the giving up cycle and  find ways to rise above it.  Life is already going to deal its own cards, why add onto it by sabotaging yourself. Start this week writing down what you want to do to be successful on your own terms.  How will you make it happen? Focus on that this week not the small failures you may have experienced this past week.  It will only keep you on the hamster wheel and not much will happen there.

Wake up.

Make that list.

Make a plan for that list.

Find joy in the midst of pain.

Make this week better than last week!

You got this!

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Ask Toi: I cheated and my husband holds it over my head, should I leave?

I can’t give you that answer. I wonder if you two have done the work to heal. If you have been seeing a counselor and you have talked or are talking it out I would say let it run its course. I think regardless of who cheated meaning this goes for women and men, the person who is holding the cards is usually the one who has been cheated. You can’t determine how long that person grieves this betrayal. That is what it is your husband feels betrayed. Men are also wired differently they could be a cheater but don’t get over being cheated on. Women also cheats for other reasons than simply sex. So you need to figure out the reason that you cheated and if that reasoning has been resolved. If not you may find you doing it again. So I would seek counseling in addition to martial counseling. However you also aren’t trapped into your marriage. If its worth to go through this pain you may find that you and your husband to be stronger. But it has to be both wanting it. If you find that only you are interested in making it right, you have to make that decision. The only thing is that counseling will help so that you don’t take the same patterns into another relationship. I remember my husband going to counseling and our counselor let us know it’s not an easy fix. It wasn’t about cheating but the same principle applies. Counseling isn’t a fix. It helps you weed out your feelings and helps you determine your threshold for love and work. I wish you peace as you continue but ONLY you can determine how long you should work or if you should throw in the towel. I would say counseling is the best way to go about it to start the journey.

Monday Motivation: Starting Fresh

It’s a new month and with that it’s time to start fresh. I believe in resetting or resifting the mindset as often as possible. It’s necessary to completing goals.

So now that we are in the last month of the 1st quarter of the year, being realistic about your goals and figuring out which ones need to be tweaked is important. Also realizing that not all of your goals have to be crushed right away. If your goal was a better credit score, it’s going to take time to fix it. Keep your goals aligned so that the very goal doesn’t stress you while you complete them.

Keep in mind too this is not about not actively working towards your goal and then shifting them to the end of next year either. Acknowledge when you’re just not as motivated and do something about it. Every day I look at my vision board and find something to do in each category that will help me complete that goal. Everyday! Small tasks add up quickly. Being a proactive participant in your life separates those who just hope alone and those who work towards goals. Nothing will simply fall into your life.

You have to be determined to work hard. You have to be determined to make mistakes but quickly get up. The longer you sit in self-pity the longer it takes you to crush your goal. Your energy could be spent on important factors in place of wallowing in defeat. It takes minutes, days, months, and years off of your time!!

Start today with a new reassurance inside of you to finish what you started. To push out defeat. To make life happen even in the midst of a setback. Setbacks happen to all of us. How you push past it is what defines you! Start fresh today but crush your goals!

Monday Motivation: Showing up for Yourself

How will you show up for yourself?  Isn’t it super upsetting when you are waiting on someone to do what they said they were going to do?  It’s the worse thing ever. How about you when you say you’re going to do something for you but you fail to show up for yourself. This is why resolutions or goals fall. You fail yourself. You don’t show up for yourself and then you get mad and the cycle starts all over again.

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There is a lot of life to be lived but showing up for yourself needs to be at the top of your list.  How can you show up for yourself this morning? I choose to pack my snacks and breakfast ahead of time. I decided to show up for myself in how I eat and nurture myself. On Sunday after attending a function with TCP, I decided that regardless of how tired and unprepared I was to run I still got up grabbed what I could and ran my 3 miles. I couldn’t find my running socks, my running sweats that I like to wear in the Winter, my running hat, and I didn’t even have my house key.  I still showed up and showed out.

I am determined that the same energy I give towards work, my kids, my marriage is the same energy I should get first. I will be making more tracks in showing up for myself in other ways. In the amount of water I am drinking, the workouts for the week, blog events, me time, etc. I am showing up for me. You need to show up for you. Show up and make that doctor’s appointment. Make that appointment to get that new haircut you have been putting off. Show up for you. It’s something in not failing your mission even if you have to tweak it. Show up and show out today and this week, this month, and this year!

Ask Toi: When should you disclose your sexual status to someone?

I think the earliest that you can before any sexual lines are crossed. I know people have casual sex but if you do it’s still important to have that conversation with someone early. Never wait.

For anyone who takes on the responsibility of sex, condoms are number one. You must protect your own life at all times. Condoms are not 100% either. They break or can slip out-of-place, be vigilant. No one ever looks “dirty” as people used to call it. You must remember this is the age of information. It’s not dirty it’s about knowing your status and the status of your partner. If you are having casual sex you take on an incredible risk to yourself and someone’s life. Sex can kill you. You don’t have to be afraid but you do have to be vigilant. This is why I never tell married woman not to continue getting tested. I told my readers how a doctor told me that because I am married I carry a smaller risk of getting a sexually transmitted disease. In theory he was right in real life I will never take that chance. Love and responsibility are two different things. My quality of life can easily be interrupted by one slip of myself or my mate. Protect yourself at all times.

Do not let the heated moment of sex ever put your life at risk. Not everything can be cured with a pill or a shot. Don’t play Russian Roulette with your life. Know your status, speak up early, and wrap it up and married or not always know your status and constantly get checked!

Monday Motivation: Take Care of You

Good morning. Whether you are off this President Day or working like me today’s motivation is about reminding you to take care of you.  I know you have a lot on your mind and heart.  I know you have a to do list that’s super long, but taking care of you while you accomplish these goals is extremely important.

People talk about not being selfish in life and that’s real.  However there are a few things that you must be selfish in and that’s taking care of you. Not worrying about everyone else around you and then setting you on the list last. I hear so many people say how much time they don’t have. Yet if you are sitting up at night stressing you have time to find ways of taking care of your needs. How can you use the time you think you don’t have?  Simple.  Learn to make a list.  Cross off things as you get them done and move on to the next thing. Make a list of health related items to get done. Did you get your teeth checked in last 6 months? If you are a woman have you had your gynecological exam and breast examined? Men if you are of age have you checked your prostate and have a physical?  I know you’re tough and are okay but a physical will lay it all on the table.  Start there. That’s checking your health.  What about mental health?  How are you REALLY doing?  Do you find yourself snapping out on others around you?  Could you benefit from therapy to attack some stressors and old pain that’s not healed. Healing will bring things to the surface for you to deal with and not ignore.

How about how you make a living or accomplish those goals?  Are you walking in your purpose?  Do you wake up every day dreading going into work because its simple just filling the time on Earth and paying your bills?  Have you considered using that job to reach your ultimate goal. This means sitting down and making a 1 month, 6 month, 1 year, etc plan.  Yes work in the day, and at night find a way to put aside money for your dream.  This changes how you wake up. Yes the folks on the job irritate you, but you aren’t working for a check anymore. You are now working towards a dream.  See how you can switch the perspective?

Get up and do one thing this morning that is about change. This morning I woke up with the world on my mind. I said Toi today is about how you can make a few things happen.  I looked at my vision board and said today I will attack one thing from each category to get to my vision.  A vision is simply the guideline but you have to put in the work to make it happen. Those cut outs are only helping you visually see the steps, so let’s get to the steps. Happy Monday and crush those goals. Trust me life is going to throw enough curve balls. You got to know when to let a few go past you, duck, and catch the ones that are for you. Today, its okay to focus on your goals. I would hate to see all that life inside of you diminish because your focus was fixing everyone else and not living your best life.

Sunday Message: Be your Own Party

There are so many times where we need the affirmation of those around us. Let’s be honest, people are attempting to push through their own stuff. As much as you should have people who celebrate you, don’t get discouraged when others can’t tap into you like you want!

So what happens when you have to turn things into a party of one?! You turn that celebration up! Yes you celebrate you like you want others to celebrate you! Your internal celebration dial sometimes has to be turned high. This means your word choices in how you describe yourself, how you treat you, and how you love on you matters. Stop negative self talk. It doesn’t help when your mind says one thing and then you allow your mind and thoughts to align together. Trust me it can be devastating to talk yourself out of a blessing or into some mess. Don’t you have a world doing it enough?! Don’t add to it! You may not have it altogether but good ma’am and sir you are still bomb! You are worthy! You are what the world needs. Smile, adjust your crown, shift your outfit and walk head high.

You can’t be mad at others who talk to you raggedly if you too join in on the fun! You are here for a purpose and while you find and begin walking in it, strut your stuff!

Party of one don’t have to be so bad! They are relaxing when you think about it. Party of one means you can shine your way without having to do it like the next! Celebrate you!

Today in the midst of a bad day or a bad moment, smile because you been down before and you know you will overcome! You know you will make it and you know you got this!