Ask Toi: Hump Day Edition

The question is how does our reader communicate to her boyfriend that he needs to stop promising the world to her during sex…

Well this is a good problem to have. In one sense know that during sex a man would just about empty out there account to you if it meant getting more. However it can be off-putting to hear it every time you have sex. I would just mention it obviously when you’re not in the moment. You have to bring it up so that it doesn’t mess up your head and then no one is having a good time.

Also know too if you leave it alone and don’t mention it at all it really could just be how things happen. Meaning men say dumb things at the point of climax. Most men barely follow through. Men make a lot of promises during sex. If he is saying weird things he wants to give you that you really wanted or needed and then falling by the way side with the come up, there’s a problem. If he is making promises on dumb and unattainable things then understand the other “head” is doing the talking. So if he promises you marriage or brings it up during sex but outside of the bedroom hes mute and you want to be married, let him know it’s not ok and that it has to stop.  If he does tell him how disheartening it is to have these conversations with him when he is doing it for the wrong reasons.  Climax produces a lot of amazing feelings but playing with your emotions isn’t one.

If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you want to stop having sex with him its worth a conversation.  However this is why women hold an amazing power.  We have the ability to really take a man down with that power. Speak up and find other ways to have some sexy talk during your sex sessions.

Side note for men: don’t tell a woman you gonna give her anything you can’t really give her once you wash up and leave. Talk that talk that can be backed up and not when we backing it up…..

 

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Don’t Dim your Light

We hear this often yet we still do it or allow others to do it. It’s easy to live under the radar than to let your light shine. As A PK (preacher’s kid) we would sing this little light of mine. Than I remember them changing the words to this big light of mine. It’s important to know that your light is big no matter what you do in life. You matter. While you are out here shinning your light, don’t dim them either.

light painting at night

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I was on social media like I am often. A woman who had lost weight from eating clean, working out, etc made a video because she was receiving backlash from showing her progress. I was like why in the world are you dimming your light? She literally showed each stage which meant if there was a “hater” all they had to do instead of complaining was get off their do nothing and make changes for their own health and get their own progress. We know social media isn’t for common sense.  I was taken back. There are folks that would get mad at a woman getting her life together and shedding pounds. Mind you it was after the birth of her second child. Every woman knows how hard it is to lose “baby weight.” That however didn’t stop women especially from tearing her down.

So that bring me to life off the gram or off social media. How often do you quietly work in silence but when it comes to showing that progress we hide? I often have done it by layering up if it’s from clothes to layering and hiding behind modesty. There is a time and a place for all of it. Living unapologetically is the way and anything less is dimming. You can be great and sometimes its okay to let folks a glimpse into your happiness. There is nothing anyone can do to stop real joy. So don’t cover it up just because the ones who haven’t realized the investment into their own happiness. Don’t dim it just because a few folks will get mad at your progress. Don’t dim it just because the ones “still talking” but ain’t doing will get jealous. Let me do it all. Shine your light.

Someone needs to see you walking with your bright light. It gives courage to those who need to make change. It gives courage to those too scared and afraid to take that first step. For the few that will look down at you, there are 10 that will be encouraged. Don’t dim your light! Shine!

Monday Motivation: Take one Step

This morning I had to remind myself to get up before my family. Not just because of my work schedule but to set the tone. I got up and prepared the house and got everything aligned. That initial thought when you wake up is ugh, do I really want to get out of my warm bed?  The answer is no you never WANT to get out of a warm bed, but life says otherwise. I said my prayers and got my mind together and knew if I took one step, all of the other necessary steps would follow.

boots cardigan denim fashion

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That is how life works. Sometimes we are so afraid to take that initial step but we fail to remember that one step is all that we need to start any process. Think about the New Year and how excited everyone was to reset. You only needed to refresh your mindset to know that one step towards your future would be enough. If you are struggling from one point to the other, do all that you can on your end and know that all other steps will follow. Want a new job, update your resume, get emails out to your contacts, that’s one step that if you continue to be vigilant interviews and eventually offer (s) will come. Looking for love? Getting your spirit and mind together is one step that will lead you towards a path of self discovery that will lead you to your forever love.

Take one step. Sometimes getting out of the bed may be the hardest especially if you feel like your life has dropped. It hurts. It sucks if all of the moving parts of what you feel your life has become has fallen. I have been there many days. But you have to learn to take that first step out and soon you will you have more strength that you thought. As I whipped around my house this morning with a great burst of energy, I didn’t realize that before 7am I had most of the house dress, medicine given. coffee made, pets secured, and I was on my way! Take your first step today! You are going to surprise yourself!

Ask Toi: What do I do with an ex that won’t stop contacting me?

Ex boyfriend and ex girlfriends can vary from easy-going to super annoying. I would suggest if the communication is unwanted tell him/her.  Direct communication from your part in order to get direct no contact should work. However if your ex is the type that doesn’t take no for an answer, than block them. I think adults should be able to say hey I moved on and so should you, but if that doesn’t work you can’t stop them from calling but you can control what you answer.

One you block an ex, leave them blocked. It doesn’t always work out.  My husband was an ex at one point but I wouldn’t suggest people going to their ex just because it happened to work out for me. There was space and time between us to work ourselves out. However the mere fact that you don’t want contact means you need to close the door altogether.  If for some strange reason, you find your ex, blocking their number to contact you, or making a page on social media to follow you, please note that you may need to reinforce the I am not interested in anything anymore. If need be for safety reasons, police contact. It would be nice to think that just like back in the day where you could break up, be mad, call your girls for a night of fun, or call your boys for a night out and move on. There have been a lot of violence towards men and women during the break up phase. It doesn’t mean it will happen every time, but you have to be able to make safety your number on goal. Be an adult!

Also there has been times when I have had to get a male family member or friend to step in to assist. Whatever you do be sure to close the door. IF you really are done, be consistent in ignoring messages. Do not play the games when your mouth says you’re not, but your actions say something different. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s never a good thing to have to end it, and even in times when you feel like you have to be with this person, do what’s best for you. End it if you are done, and make an attempt to work it out if you can. Note that not all situations will be saved. You may always have much love for an ex but your lives just aren’t meant to be. That is okay. Speak authentically to your previous partner and voice your desires, to be left alone. If you find yourself and you are reading this to be on the other side where your previous partner has asked for space or has told you they aren’t interested, leave them alone.  Ain’t nobody got time to convince you to respect folks’ space.

 

Sunday Message: Speak into existence with action

I know we still in the New Year glow. We all have our plans and list going. However what we don’t get is that just simply writing things down helps you focus, it doesn’t do the work. You have to put work into your speech.

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It’s not just naming and claiming it anymore. You have to have action behind words. You can’t go to the car dealership put your hand on the car and walk out. You might want to also clean up your credit, have a job in place to support the payments, and be able to pay for the maintenance. This is how you can write down getting a new car as 2019 goal and act towards it. How about saving money up for a down payment? You can sell items you aren’t using it. You can use skills to bring in more income to get it as well. Action.

So now it’s not what are your resolutions? It’s what are you willing to work towards? What are you willing to get in alignment with to bring the very things in your life. Can you just obtain by asking? Yes. I have sent an email to ask to inquire about things and got the best news of my life.  This happened because I asked. Sometimes asking for help is action. It never had to be about you being able to have all of the answers, resources, and know how. You just have to be willing to do something to make your dreams happen!

reach for the and blue moon neon signages

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Will action plans into your life in this season.  Whatever you work towards if you don’t give up even at a closed-door or a no will work itself in its season of your life. Remember that no can be a protection for you! NO can shift you into where you need to be!  Just don’t sit there simply day dreaming instead of actively working towards!

Ask Toi: What do you think of Meek Mill saying women need to take wigs off in 2019?

A reader wanted to know my thoughts so here we go:

Meh. A man telling a woman about hair is neither here nor there to be honest. Meek can have any opinion he wants. He has a right to voice that opinion but Meek isn’t a hair dresser or someone of an authority of hair so I saw what he said and kept scrolling. I don’t follow him and he doesn’t influence me one way nor another. It doesn’t mean I don’t like his music.  I do like his music but as a fan of music I don’t allow celebrities that I don’t feel have authority on a topic to speak into my life-like that.

meek mill

Who knows why he said it? It could be a dig on his past love Nicki.  It could be encouragement for women to embrace natural hair or healthy hair. Either way what he said didn’t give me life. As a woman who is natural and has had a perm and a weave at points in my life, my hair will be whatever I choose. I am grateful for being diverse and it is what it is. He like many other men state they don’t want a lot of things and still gravitate towards them so when he stop messing with women with wings and weaves than maybe I will take what he says into consideration.

End of the day any woman who is with him should be of concern to him.  I know folks gonna email me with the “even if I was dating” comments. Listen what’s best for you. I never allowed folks that I was dating to dictate to me how my hair was worn. I cut my hair off when I dated my (boyfriend) husband back in the day and he hates short hair. He is still here so end of day preference shouldn’t dictate a person but you can consider them if you are at least married to them. But hair advice from men who don’t know a lick of hair and would smash someone with wig in hand if their ass was big enough, can have a seat!

That’s my thoughts on that one…..

Ladies do you!

Ask Toi: A man I’ve been dating for months has gone stale in communication, what should I do?

This sounds like he’s ghosting you. Ghosting is when someone you’re dating or dealing with no longer answers calls or text messages and is unavailable.

First of all, understand that some folks avoid difficult conversations. He is definitely not interested or has more on his plate and is unable to or doesn’t want to add you into the equation. There could be a thousand reasons why. It’s not your job to figure him out. Your job is to not take on his lack of communication as means of figuring out your worthiness of being in a relationship that meets your needs.

I can share that I’ve been ghosted in the past. However when I went back and thought about the surrounding signs that I paid no attention to it made sense. I had been ghosted by someone who didn’t have his stuff together. He didn’t have a place of his own. He was almost nomadic or basically going from one spot to another. So I didn’t fit the bill of fostering that situationship and was ghosted. It was cool while it lasted. I spent more time than I should have worrying about what I could have done for someone who wasn’t worthy of the amount of energy I gave. Don’t be Toi in her 20s. Be smarter than I was. Know your worth and add tax. Dating was hard in my 20s and it’s harder now!

This man may never reveal his why. You may have to gather yourself and move along. It’s hard! It sounds easier said than done but it’s definitely necessary. Chalk it up to dating in this world with inconsistent players.

Going forward pay attention to the signs. When something sounds off, acts off, or behaves off, it could very well be off. You would be better off without the headache.

If it’s that he isn’t being as consistent as he once was in terms of communication, Ask. It could be that he does have a legitimate reason. But don’t be fooled into I was bust explanation. Busy people still prioritize their wants.

Good luck!