Married at First Sight: Do You have a house or a home?

Disclaimer: If you haven’t watched the episode and hate spoiler alerts, don’t continue….

So last week the issues that the couples were struggling with was intimacy.  The couples even those who had great physical attraction on their wedding day struggled to keep intimacy going.

Intimacy is truly a huge part of marriage that goes way beyond sex.  tje ability to feel connected to your partner can get lost in translation even for couples who know each other well.  So this week they are really trying to apply some of the advice that the experts gave.  It’s also time for the sociologists to visit their homes to see how they are blending together. 

When the sociologists came to the home of Davina and Sean, the couple didn’t have real groceries in the fridge. They also had empty picture frames on the wall.  Most couples when they get married begin the process of fusing their lives together and they are still having a block doing so.  The couple have been given an assignment to get away from their environment and enjoy some bonding time.  They decided to to to the wine country to bond.

When the sociologist came to visit with Jaclyn and Ryan R., the home wasn’t decorated.  Jaclyn was still living out of her suitcases.  They also didn’t have groceries either.  It looked more like a crash spot than a place where a couple has settled in.  The sociologist asked them to hold hands to signify them being a team.  She noticed that with holding hands that they needed to build a bond in order to build a home together.  Their plan was to take a cooking class and have a candlelight dinner so they can feel like a couple and do things like couples would.

This is why when marriages goes through various stages and it will where if date nights don’t continue, and you don’t spend as much time as before, you can go back to the foundation that you once had.  This experiment takes out that foundation and forces you to mega speed up what takes people at least a year to begin the process.

The sociologist went lastly to Jessica and Ryan.  They were all smiles which is a flip from last week.  They seemed to have really applied what the experts had given them to work on.  They had just made a mattress purchase together which sounds very childish but it’s not.  Making a major purchase can really make a couple share in something which opens up the communication either one way or another.  It’s all about not just having my thing and your thing blend it’s about investing in our things together.

Time is not on their side as they have to really for the sake of the experiment, move much faster than normal.  Some couples meet day one, click, marry and not have these issues but I think it’s really not something most couples could do now.  Even some couples who have been together forever and a day still struggle with the basics of marriage from time to time. 

The last issue that took place in the episode is blending friends with your mate.  You and your mate’s friends don’t have to be best friends but it’s important to be able to get along and not have a lot of uncomfortable moments.  Your mate needs to feel comfortable in that your friends will speak positively of your marriage and encourage you to make the right decisions.  When that isn’t the case it can cause resentment, lack of trust, etc which is all unnecessary when you’re trying to make things work.

Being married in a nut shell you should be about building together.  If you can’t build what is the point?  You can do bad by yourself.  It’s one thing to agree to love and live together it’s another to make a home together.  Making a home requires patience.  It takes putting your partner’s needs above yours so that everyone is getting what they need and creating a balance.  It’s not easy at all to do but if two people are willing and learning to go with the flow, it can work. 



Ask Toi: How Old is too Old to still deal with the “club guys?”

I’m only taking a stab at what you mean by club guys.  I mean I know that some men who still club in their 40s and up.  If you’re referring to going to a club and seeing the men who are trying to pick up women in clubs as club boys then that’s up to you and what you want in life.

People say where you meet a man says a lot however, I know many couples who were out with friends, met a great guy in a club and a relationship is developed.  If you are okay with meeting a man and getting picked up my only hope is that your single.  People change men and women for where they are in life.  I’m 34 if I wasn’t married and didn’t have kids I don’t see myself going to a club to meet a man but I wouldn’t turn my nose up to the ideal either.

My thing about anyone you would meet no matter where you meet is what does that person have going for themselves?  Does he have goals?  Is he working and achieving these goals?  Does he take care of himself?  I’ve met guys in the past in a business setting that didn’t have it together so don’t worry about location.  You wouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do so if you allowed yourself to be “picked up” it would be a choice you made.  If you’re trying to find something more in depth than meet someone but don’t run off with him and make it a night.  Take your time and get to know the person instead of their representative. 

Ask Toi: Is It Okay to not Deal with my Mil?

Mother in laws aren’t always the monsters that you see in television or movies, but when they become disrespectful or hard to deal with a little space can go a long way. 

Ideally you would want to do all that you can to establish a relationship.  If you’re already married you might have had time before the marriage to get to know her ways and she yours.  After time you will know what you two click or don’t click on.  The goal isn’t to be her best friend.  The goal is to be cordial and get along. If you’re the lucky few, you will forge a relationship and your husband’s mother can be a wealth of support to you and your family.

Back on planet reality, since most mother in law questions usually don’t come from such a beautiful bond, than my advice is stellar.  Mother in laws often time feel a woman in their son’s life to be a threat.  She may genuinely may not like you.  You have to be able to be cordial and respectful at all times.  If you can and are having issues, take your mother in law to lunch and talk.  Sometimes a change in atmosphere will help you too talk about whatever issues are present.

If you can’t try not to get your husband to be the middle person.  He loves you both and you don’t want resentment on either side.  If it’s so bad than you will need to create space.  Always greet your mother in law when you see her.  Even if she rolls her eyes, or whatever you speak to people on the street right? Then it won’t cost you to be nice for a moment. 

Always stay classy.  Your husband mom isn’t going anywhere and you need to find a way to speak respectfully regardless it will say more about you than her.  I know it can be hard, but remember you don’t have to be your mother in laws best friend.

I know there are some that have cut their mother in laws off and don’t communicate to them at all, and I say to each their own.  What I will say is this, at some point unless you move from planet earth you will have to see them.  Always be the bigger person, smile, say hello and move on.  Also be careful of who you speak about her to.  You don’t want to continue fueling the situation with back and forth he/she said. 

No one deserves to be disrespected.  If she’s done that to you she was wrong and likewise you with her.  However you’re relationship will be affected by this relationship break, trust me ask any married couple and you will find that to be true.  Also when a situation comes up speak openly about it to your husband and then leave it alone.  No one wants to keep hearing about how bad their mother is day in and day out. 

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes.  Leave out the well my family isn’t this and that, your family can offend just like his mother has you, remember the respect line. You don’t have to tolerate his mom’s respect but you don’t have to be nasty either.  You are only responsible for your actions – keep it classy.

Ask Toi: Is It Okay to decline my husband’s boss dinner invitation?

On the surface I would say no.  If you’re husband is trying to make a good impression and you and him was invited to a dinner unless you have prior plans you should be there.  There’s an unspoken rule as a wife for you to support your husband’s endeavors.  Things happen that make it difficult for you to be that supportive wife at times but put your game face on.  If you’re finding it hard to be there because you’re feeling uncomfortable for any reason discuss this with your husband about a  compromise but don’t compromise on your attendance.  You need to make sure you are there to let your husband see your support.

Ask Toi: Is It Okay to Accept an Invitation for a Date via Text?

Well this could get sticky.  In these times, more and more people are moving away from talking on the phone.  Even if you accept the invitation via text you must attempt to confirm it via the phone in the form of a phone call.  You don’t want to start out anything with the premise that texting will be acceptable forms of communication alone.  It’s okay to use technology to assist in the dating process but remember that human interaction with a little face to face and talk time will be what you want more of to establish a future with anyone.  Good luck!!

Mandeecee and Yandy Wedding

So yes I turned into the wedding of VH1 Love and Hip Hop.  I wanted to see it just as much as the rest of the people who watch the series.  If you haven’t watched it don’t continue reading.  I’ll highlight the points that jumped for me.

If you have watched the Love and Hip Hop or at least read my last blog on the show you know that Mandeecee has accepted a deal for his involvement in drug trafficking.  It’s not clear how much time he will get but as it stands he could get at least a minimal of 10 years. 

The couple who have allowed cameras into their relationship, is not shy to highlight the ends and outs of Mandeecee’s issues with the court of law.  These issues are almost like the elephant in the room as Yandy has been torn to pieces for her decision to stand by her man. 

During the wedding special they showed the couple during the various parts of the wedding process.  They addressed both parties on their thoughts if they should have put the wedding to the side to focus on his legal battle.  Both have come to the  conclusion to allow it rest and make their union official.

I honestly for one think they highlighted them both in such a classy way regardless of how you feel about them tying the knot or not.  VH1 allowed us into their personal lives, thoughts, and preparations like no other wedding special has done in the past. 

I would be lying if I didn’t say I shed a tear or two.  I love weddings.  However unless you just really can’t stand the brand, VH1 definitely made it clear that they showed the love between the two.  I definitely believe that Yandy is a strong woman and I’ve never been in her situation, but one thing you can’t deny is that love is love.

They didn’t cut any expense when it came to the wedding.  From flowers, to the rings they made sure they had the prince and princess wedding the couple wanted.  The most special moment for me is when Yandy was walked down the aisle by her dad.  Yandy’s father had to have his leg amputated due to blood clot issues.  He was proud to give her away.

I was shocked in how much Yandy held it together.  Even though it was a star studded event with K Michelle singing the wedding party down the aisle, the couple looked like the only ones in the room were the two of them. 

The one thing the minister stated when Yandy made her way down the aisle is that we all want to be loved.  Although your love story doesn’t have to be like theirs, people want to feel loved and have love returned to them.  I’ve said it before that some will do whatever for it and that I don’t condone but I do think we should all experience love at least once in our lives.

The other thing I appreciated about the minister is him stating that marriage is work.  I think we spend so much time looking at the moments in marriage when things don’t feel right on getting a new mate.  I read a quote that said if we spent time treating our mates like we would treat the one we think we need, we would all be better people and a better couple.

Yandy and Mandeecee spoke their own vows.  The part that touched me was Yandy stating she would never judge him even if the world judged him.  Think about that for one moment.  That’s what love unconditional is supposed to be about.  Loving someone fully without them having to earn it on credit, loving someone regardless of what they do-true love. 

Congratulations to the beautiful couple. I pray a lifetime of happiness and whatever their future holds, I pray that they will be in each other’s corners.  Marriage is work and no matter where their journey takes them, that they will remember their vows and lean on one another in the good and the bad times.


Memorial Day Fun

So Memorial Day is coming upon us in a matter of days.  Memorial Day is the day we remember the fallen who served in the armed forces.  For me as military brat, it’s a day where I’ve always remember the reason behind the day.

It’s also the official kick off to the summer holidays.  Usually pools are open and if you haven’t gotten your grills ready, it’s not a better time to do so.  While you are enjoying the day, don’t forget about the numerous men and women who are out keeping America safe.  No matter what you feel about war itself, there are people willing to lay their lives down so you can enjoy your day off. Take a moment to remember them.  I think about my dad who will be experiencing his 3rd deployment in 6 years.  Makes me proud to know that even after all this time he’s willing to keep his and your family safe.

Since the day is about fun for so many always remember to stay safe.  Hospitals are always on high alert between fights that break out to alcohol poisoning to firework accidents, stay safe.

Here are my suggestions for a fun, money-saving holiday:

1. Cookouts can be expensive.  Get family to contribute.  There’s no reason for you to supply all the food and drinks.

2. Can’t make it out to the pool, don’t fret try some old school water balloon fights.  You can make it fun by having women vs. men, kids vs. parents, siblings vs. parents

3. Break out the sidewalk chalk.  Yes replace the electronics for some outside fun

4.  Board games can be a serious situation depending on where you go.  Provide summer like prizes to bring out the competitive nature in your crowd

5.  Ice cream party.  Yes maybe wait for the sun to go down and grab your favorite toppings and have fun making your sloppy Icecream Sundae.  Even have someone judge the most creative.

6. Make some awesome Memorial Day treats.  Yes get creative from cakes to jello molds the options are endless.

7. Don’t want to be home there are many fairs, etc that you and your family can attend

8. Traveling – keep your apps a blazing with money-saving tips and coupons to help make your trip not blow your summer budget

9. Single and hate these coupled up holidays.  Find an activity you can go to alone that will have you interact with others.  Try something you wouldn’t normally do.  Remember men haven’t started falling out the sky, get to where you can look your best, smile and have fun.  Take a girlfriend along as well

10. Go to the movies.  It’s as big thing for families to start the summer block buster movie circuit

11. Just want some down time, grab some wine early and have you a great time enjoying you time-catch up on your favorite books or magazines

You have many options. The most important thing is to be safe have fun and thank the men and women of the armed forces for all they do.  Remember there are some men and women who are away from their families so holidays like this only serve as another reminder of the loneliness they have been experiencing for some time.  If you know of a family experiencing this, reach out to them.

I’ll be using the hashtag #thankstoallwhoserve all day on my Facebook, twitter, and instagram pages. Share some of your gratitude and pictures of how you celebrated.  I’ll post some of them on the page!!