Lies you tell

Okay so it’s not secret that in life and love there are many things that attempt to knock you off of the pursuit. 

Sometimes the lies we entertain are the ones that we make to be truth and they arent.  Today let’s talk about a few of them.

Too old for love

When is it ever too old to love?  Um, never.  I would rather wait for the right love than not to have been loved at all.  Some people go through life and end up with a few bad apples and when they get older they find the love their heart has been in search for.  What makes a person find that real love at a more older and seasoned age? Simple, they have figured themselves out.  When you’re young and folks say date yourself some young folks get mad.  If you are in that state let me encourgae you that the more you know of yourself the more you know about what you will and will not tolerate from another person.

When you’re in your 20s you just date for fun, meals, sex, etc.  In your 30s you date for the sake of settling down, and starting families.  In your 40s and 50s you date for companionship.  It’s in your 60s and up that you want to have some fun and really don’t want to waste time with just anyone.  Again as you get older you should become wiser in your preferences.


Women with children can’t marry

This is a huge lie.  Let’s be honest most people aren’t saving themselves for marriage.  Don’t get it twisted I’m not pushing for sex outside of marriage but life happens and so there is a huge population of people who have children and often feel like who will take me and my kids.

My answer to that is the right man will.  There are outstanding men who welcome to treat a woman and her children with respect and love.  So don’t count yourself out if you have children.  Make sure you are being the best mom and the best you that you can be and love is sure to follow.  Whatever you do be selective in who you do allow your children to be around. 

There aren’t any good men left

This is one of the biggest lies we tell ourselves often times cause it makes a seemingly good excuse as to why we haven’t found someone.  The reality is that there are good men but we attract what we are.  We don’t spend a lot of time working on our insides as much as we worry about our outside.  We attract so many jokers in our lives and then say I can’t find a good one.  Well that’s when you need to do a self exam and find the root of who you are bringing around you.

Often times we are concerned in how the story unfolds.  What that means is that we focus on how we meet the person that we sometimes aren’t open to a man that is attempting to get our attention.  Hence women make list and list a lot of physical characteristics of what they want.  Listen nothing wrong with preference, but don’t let preference go against what you really need. 

Love and life don’t come with a manual.  However never close yourself off from learning and gleaming from those who are where you want to be.  We will answer a few more myths and lies we have told ourselves this week.



My friend came with me to my mother’s house for Easter, when she got around my brother she acted very weird. I think they slept with each other how do I handle it?

Well, one unless your brother is under age, you don’t have much to handle.  You should ask what the weirdness was about because there are a lot more steps before sleeping with one another that could be the issue.  Don’t ever assume anything.  It’s always best to ask questions and go from there.  If this friend has been around the family for a long time it can be weird if your brother and friend do like each other.  I get how weird it would come off, but be clear before you react. 

Internet check

Listen I love technology.  It can be a gift and a curse at the same time if you allow it.  Remember everything you do and the things you want all revolve around choice. 

Sometimes we can allow technology to make us do some of the craziest things and then we act or throw the attention on other people.  For instance how many women have stalked a man online and then said well, he acts a way that makes me do it.  No one can make you, no one can hold you to a certain standard, and no one can manipulate you unless you had an opening of willingness.

I know this isn’t the normal easter time message we want to hear but let me be clear there are numerous single women sitting around stalking a man’s page as he snaps pictures with wives and children all the while he’s texting her some excuse of he’s just keeping the peace.  There is a woman all in a man’s inbox because of the signs she had that opened the door to check and instead of trusting her instinct she insisted on having proof of his infidelity.

There is a side chick knowingly or unknowingly that is using the Internet to research the signs that her man isn’t being all in.  So again the Internet can be a gift and a curse. 

Let me just say that we need to research ways of empowering ourself in any situation but what we don’t need to do is use the Internet through social media to embarass, devalue, or curse ourselves, another man, or another woman.  How many times have you seen drama play out on instagram over a man?  Unless you don’t have an account than you know it’s quite impossible. 

Any time you find yourself going to these means, you have to do a self check.  Remember the choices?  Use your power of choice to see you are having an internal issue that may on the surface be attached to a person or thing, but inevitably it shows you need to do some internal surgery.  It’s time to come off the Internet and take a break. 

Ladies, loving any man or woman in this day and time can open you to a sea of emotion that if you’re not ready for can disturb the part of you that you have never known.  And there isn’t a woman alive who hasn’t experienced the highs and lows of love and relationship.  I can’t even pretend as if I haven’t been tested to answer myself in another person ie. a man who had hurt me.  You have to know that even if you’re attacking someonelse you are answering yourself.  It can be the Insecurity, the hurt, the embarassment, it’s still is answering yourself.

Seek making a difference within yourself when love knocks you down.  Even when I was single and the anxiety of when I would settle down would boggle me quite often it was really my own internal issues that had to be checked.  You can’t find the love you want with these issues unchecked because I’m a living witness, if you unite with someone it will come out and it can hurt the love you wanted.

During these high holidays when families are getting together, couples kissing and holding hands, children taking pictures, there is someone who is lonely and will unite with unhealthy  choices to soothe themselves, be messy, and release revenge. Don’t do it, once it’s all done it will still leave you with unchecked issues.  Instead use this down time to find ways to make yourself better, stronger, and secure.  Trust me it sounds cliche but in your hurt you can still find peace.  Let’s check ourselves with our Internet and social media use.  If it’s going to hurt you or another person don’t do it.  That meme to send a message or shade, don’t do it.  That inbox of that married man, or to investigate the woman a man you were seeing has chosen, or a friend or associate that has betrayed you-choose to not take that route.


Ask Toi: How do I tell my friend that I don’t want her to visit because she’s being inappropriate with my boyfriend?

Have you had a conversation telling her about the behavior before now?  I’m assuming she’s been flirting with him before now.  I mean you’re friends you know her well.  Is she doing this and not knowing?  I say that because we know the nature of our friends and what they have done when most don’t.

If she’s your friend a simple conversation to her first is more than appropriate.  Are you willing to lose a friendship over non communication?  You can speak to her and hear her out.  After you speak to her than move forward in whatever way the conversation leads.  It’s one thing to have random women flirt with your man its whole different story to have a close friend do it.

The next thing is to have a conversation with your man.  Let’s be real as long as the both of you are on the earth attraction from and to you and your partner will occur.  The one thing to always check is your insecurities and make a plan for how much is too much.  If you have been keeping up with ToiTime I’m always encouraging  couples to develop their own plan for things like this. 

My hope is that you and your friend can move forward.  Let her know that you’re uncomfortable with her behavior around your boyfriend.  Hopefully she is open to receive from you.  Good luck!

Ask Toi: Should I tell my husband that my father in law hit on me?

Yes.  You should always speak up.  What did you say to the father in law?  I might have said please stop or I’m going to inform your son.  Let’s be clear in this day and age if you don’t speak up, he may flip it into something.  Make sure you aren’t around your father in law by yourself.  For me he’s shown that he’s not to be trusted.

Also be clear that he’s truly hitting on you.  Some older men talk slick with their words and doesn’t mean that he’s hitting on you. However if you’re sure that he is and you have spoken to him about it than I would have a conversation with your husband to be sure he understands that you are uncomfortable with it.  Good luck.

Lazy Love

Have you ever dated someone who seemed like they didn’t go out their way for you?  Ever date someone who seemed to only call you when it benefitted them?  Two things are going on either they don’t love you like they say or you are making it easy for them to love you with lazy love.

If you have a concept of 50/50 in a relationship than you are working with the wrong set of numbers.  It really should be 100/100.  You and the one you are dating and eventually marry should be all in.  Don’t make it easy for someone to give you the portion they want. 

There’s never an excuse for someone to let you down numerous times and for the sake of not being alone let that be okay.  Someone you are with should always be there giving you the type of love that’s almost overwhelming.  That love that is unconditional and free.  If your single, dating, or married and reading this thinking I’m off, than what type of love do you have?

I know of plenty of women in a relationship and lonely.  What type of love is this to have a title of it but not the responsibility and benefit of it?  You have got to set the standard of what you want.  If someone isn’t giving you the love you need, ask for it and then don’t settle once its not received. 

Be vigilant to getting what you want out of someone.  Love is easy but the actions, feelings etc take work to help grow and nurture.  You should have the type of love that encourages you to do better, want more, and accomplish goals.  Anything less than that means you are sharing this love or not being loved at all.


Don’t lose it!

Often times when you react to a situation you can either gain or lose ground.  I’ve often said many times in the past that after I’ve apologized, why is it people won’t forgive and move on? The answer is simple people remember what you do not what you say.

I’m not suggesting that you can’t ever get to a place where people look past your faults but there’s a good chance they may not.  You don’t get to gain ground by acting a fool.  You ever see someone who is older and is supposed to know better but then something they say or their behavior makes you lose all respect for them?  They don’t get the opportunity to speak into you after those moments occur.

I know I’ve been a victim of over reacting to a situation or person and finding myself with my foot in my mouth.  We are supposed to find out all the facts or create an outlet that when something is happening, one doesn’t have to look a fool.  Once you’re labeled a fool it’s hard to change the persona.  If you have ever found yourself in this scenario, you have to make your changes and not look for others to acknowledge your change.  In this time, people want and need acknowledgement.  You are going to have to be comfortable in your skin and move forward for yourself.

Yes in an ideal world, people would be so forgiving but often times they aren’t.  Don’t let the opinions of others deter you from being the best you that you can be.  Also don’t make excuses for the times where you have allowed something or someone pull on your emotions and make you break character.  Being honest with yourself and where you are in your walk in life is important.  Acknowledge that you need help.

Self control is another issue that comes into play when you’re in a situation to react correctly.  It’s hard to not give in and allow the situation to dictate what you say or do.  Just remember your character and integrity are always on the line.  True integrity is doing the right thing no matter who is watching.

Don’t lose it.  Don’t give in to the negativity that is all around you.  Once you lose ground by your reactions it’s hard to get it back.  The test wasn’t in the person or thing, but in you to see your response to the difficulty.  Don’t give a person a reason to say I told you he/she wasn’t whatever they want to claim you are.  Make better choices and if you are around something or someone who is toxic, make the changes to get away.  Don’t live in negativity because it literally causes stress, anxiety, and takes away from any progress you were trying to make.