Friday Weekly Recaps: January 18, 2019

So I started this series last year and I decided to bring it back. I will be quite a few series in this 2019 year. Be on the look out. The weekly recaps are simple, they keep you updated on what you might have missed as well as it keeps you updated on me and what I have going on. So here we go:

Blog Life

So blogging this week was fine. I did a video on my Facebook page regarding the Women’s History series we do every March. This is important. We are talking about failures from every day women who like you and I are out here pushing through, sometimes getting stuck and acknowledging where they are. If you want to be heard and want your story told, remember email me at toitimeblog@gmail.com

Women all around the world can participate in this blog series. It has always been a great response from women to support women and uplift women. Also getting the blogs done ahead of March allows me to edit them and set them to go live on their respected days and times.

Blogging in general has become easier as the capabilities of working this site are amazing. I can do them, edit, and release them and I don’t have to be glued to my laptop or phone. This is a far cry from how it was when I first began.

Fit Life

Things are looking great. I am working out and amping things up. I slowed it down after my last run in November to recover from an ankle injury.  It has allowed me to enjoy the holidays and now that I have my 2019 run schedule in place its time to get things going. So this year I am running in 5 races and 3 walks/fun races so that’s 8 opportunities this year to keep me motivated. I am following the same schedule as last year leaving November and December to be my down time. It works for me.

Kid Life

My children are doing amazing. My son is back in soccer.  So soccer mom and dad are on the move. I really call myself and my husband Uber parents on the weekend. My kids social schedules are pretty packed. With 3 kids it’s a lot to manage but well worth it. My oldest is still in Girl Scouts. Girl Scout cookie sales just started yesterday so I am the cookie mom who is out here getting these orders together. My youngest is enrolling in karate so we pretty much just make sure we sync our calendars, drink our water, and I make sure I grab my coffee at this point.  We are those parents who are definitely on the move. I think it helps though to keep us on point and keep the kids completely grounded.

Also shout out to my youngest for getting Super Student and my oldest for getting Peace Maker of the month award!

Travel Life

I am also working on my travel schedule for this year. I know what you’re thinking, how is it possible? It’s possible because I am making it a priority. Between planning a Baecation, family vacation, a few girls get together, traveling out of the country, etc its all going to be a juggling act. I literally can smell beaches all in my Summer plans. Bring on the tan lines.  It will be fun to watch all of these plans come together while maintaining sanity and life.

Personal Life

I have been doing a better job in understanding how my responses to those around me matters. For instance a situation happened where if my response wasn’t right I could have made matters worst. But I have been speaking slowly and listening faster. I am starting to realize that not everything deserves a response.  Also I am learning that I don’t have to overextend myself. I have always been the type to help and give. Now I understand that I can cut back and allow some things to not happen on my side. I don’t have to give to others who don’t give to me. I never do it for other’s response but there’s a difference in giving to others because it’s the right thing to do or giving to others as they take and continue to be people who withdraw from your resources as well.

We have a cat, Tiki. I am well I wasn’t a fan of cats in the past. To be honest I really didn’t like them.  I am finding that I really love our cat. My son has been asking for one for quite some time. Between my daughter wanting water frogs and my son, we gave in. So now we have 2 water frogs and a cat and working our way to a dog. Of course whatever pets we have I am the one that is the main overseer of their care.  Once we have the dog, that’s all the pets my mind and pockets will be able to handle. It has been an adjustment with Tiki. One from managing allergies in the home, to understanding a cat’s care. I can say that it’s been a few weeks and we are starting to get used to Tiki’s love and presence. So if you have cat advice, its super welcomed.

For the month I have a few blog events I am going to. Working out to keep fit for these runs, and preparing for this snow storm expected to hit over the weekend!

I do hope you have a great weekend! I will be editing and brewing some blogs. I also plan to finish some book and magazine reading! If you’re in the East Coast about to experience this snow, get your gas, food and do a medicine check before tomorrow! Wishing you warmth, great snacks, and plenty of wine to get you through!!

Advertisements

Ask Toi: Hump Day Edition

The question is how does our reader communicate to her boyfriend that he needs to stop promising the world to her during sex…

Well this is a good problem to have. In one sense know that during sex a man would just about empty out there account to you if it meant getting more. However it can be off-putting to hear it every time you have sex. I would just mention it obviously when you’re not in the moment. You have to bring it up so that it doesn’t mess up your head and then no one is having a good time.

Also know too if you leave it alone and don’t mention it at all it really could just be how things happen. Meaning men say dumb things at the point of climax. Most men barely follow through. Men make a lot of promises during sex. If he is saying weird things he wants to give you that you really wanted or needed and then falling by the way side with the come up, there’s a problem. If he is making promises on dumb and unattainable things then understand the other “head” is doing the talking. So if he promises you marriage or brings it up during sex but outside of the bedroom hes mute and you want to be married, let him know it’s not ok and that it has to stop.  If he does tell him how disheartening it is to have these conversations with him when he is doing it for the wrong reasons.  Climax produces a lot of amazing feelings but playing with your emotions isn’t one.

If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you want to stop having sex with him its worth a conversation.  However this is why women hold an amazing power.  We have the ability to really take a man down with that power. Speak up and find other ways to have some sexy talk during your sex sessions.

Side note for men: don’t tell a woman you gonna give her anything you can’t really give her once you wash up and leave. Talk that talk that can be backed up and not when we backing it up…..

 

Sunday Message: Stop Fighting

When I was younger I didn’t get into a lot of fights but the ones that I did get into I definitely finished them. Fighting back in the day was a means of survival. I definitely wasn’t the one to start a physical fight but like my mom always taught me don’t write a check your behind can’t cash, so I made sure I protected myself and my twin.

As I got older I’ve gotten into more verbal altercations than physical. Contrary to most I can handle myself. Words can sometimes be more cutting than fights. Up until a few years ago I would go in on folks. My personality is strong. I’m usually quiet and reserved but is pushed or provoked I’m not the one to back down. I’ve learned that some fights aren’t even worth it. Some back and forth rob you of peace. The last big verbal altercation had me pacing back and forth, heated, and ready to escalate. I knew I could easily make it physical and after 30, unless my kids are in danger, what’s the point?!

So why do we engage in these types of fights? To prove ourselves right? Then what? What do I gain? Nothing. So now I try not to engage with people who I know I might lose my cool and over the last few years I’ve spent more time working on me. Working on my triggers so that if ever confronted again I’ll pass the test. Working on why the issues began. Some of it goes to my childhood and some unresolved issues that I didn’t speak on.

I was talking to a friend and she was telling me about some folks she rarely sees. On average she sees them maybe once a year. I understood that when with a yearly visit how irritating some people can be. She was putting into plan all the things she was going to say. I stopped her and reminded her that she needs to not focus on what to say to them but how to maintain her peace. She was more worked up on making her points to folks who could probably care less. I encouraged her to switch the plan. Instead of being in defense, lower her defense and just be cordial. If anything is brought up, deal with it and have an exit plan for herself. Of course she hit me with the but you don’t get it. Mind you I had been listening but the whole time she hasn’t realized all she is doing is giving life to someone she only interacts for a year. She was giving them the power of dictating her emotions about the issues instead of dealing with it.

She’s going into the situation with her arms up to jab instead of being protectant of herself. She’s ready to fight. She has no idea what has changed in a year. I’m not saying her feelings aren’t valid. They are. However you can’t let your feelings to take complete control. She has to interact with folks or remove herself completely. The middle would be cordial until they aren’t. There’s always a middle. In her situation for her to not interact at least on a case be case measure would be a domino effect to her main relationship. I could hear that she was getting it.

After she calmed down from thinking I wasn’t listening, she started crying. FYI she’s given me permission to share this story. She had been getting sick and doctors were finding nothing wrong with her. She allowed the stress of the people she had a bad interaction with to stress her for over a year. She doesn’t know what the other party was going through but she has allowed it to get so bad she was sick, losing weight, etc. I let her know that maybe it was time to figure out her part in it and hers alone. She had to deal with her. She had to either be willing to be on a hi and bye with them or remove herself from them altogether.

It was time to stop fighting. She was fighting alone. She was losing. She was losing horribly. I asked her was worth it to make whatever point if at the end of the day you are the one bearing the pain alone. When I asked why the argument started she said she didn’t remember. I reminded her she would always remember how she felt and it’s valid. However release the pain and it may mean walking away mentally and emotionally and dropping the charges. You will remember. It will sting at points. However she didn’t need to hold onto it. She wanted an apology. I asked her in order to open the door for one was she willing to sit down and speak to the other party to get it?! She said no.

We fight so many battles. Some battles it’s time to be about that life. Just because I see things differently doesn’t mean I wouldn’t ever turn up. It just means I take into consideration which situations it’s warranted. Anything that robs me of my peace is not worth it. She asked me how did I handle myself in the aftermath, and the answer is simply prayer, counseling; and space. I removed myself from the issues and got clarity. I’ve seen some of the others involved and nothing on the inside of me is mad or upset because instead of making them a focus, I focused on what I didn’t do right, how to be in control, and where I can improve. I switched the energy and dropped the charges. I let her know I will most likely never get an apology but I didn’t have to walk around in defeat.

I’m glad to say that she has begun counseling to help her though it!!!

Pick and choose your battles! Everything ain’t worth the headache. Sometimes situations happen to reveal things in you. Always look in instead of pointing the other way. Yes others can be wrong as two left shoes, but if you still are holding onto the he sting or the situation who loses? You. Listen to your conversation. What you are still dealing with will come out in your conversations. Out of your mouth runs the issues of the heart! If you still talk about it especially consistently, you may not be completely healed. If you’re not healed, you are walking in pain and that pain has more consequences for you than them.

Ask Toi: Personal Questions Part 2

So as promised here is part 2 of the personal questions that readers ask me #AskToi questions. Remember if you have questions about relationships, friendship, dating, work, and anything in between, send the email toitimeblog@gmail.com

How often do you argue with your husband?

Well I try not to bring people to in-depth of my marriage because it’s for he and I but I will say that these last couple of years it’s been dramatically less. So I would say maybe once every few months on serious issues and the dumb stuff that we just cut our eye at each other maybe daily. Life is short and we are mastering the art of communication. We are learning how to be partners and that is making sure we give each other what we both need and balance is key.

How often do you hang out with your friends?

I have one girl girlfriend that I make a monthly or semi monthly date with. A lot of my long-standing friends live in other states. It’s hard to link up. We have been getting better at communicating with one another and checking in. My local friends I do my best to meet up and do a lot of check ins.

What is something that ticks you off?

For me is inconsiderate people. I’ve evolved over the years. So anyone who does things just to be mean and inconsiderate whether that be with my time, energy, etc I will pull a Mariah Carey “I don’t know him/her” move. It’s disrespectful at this point in my almost 40s to give five more seconds to inconsiderate folks.

Have you ever wanted to be single since being married?

If asked a few years ago maybe in the early stages of my Marriage I would say yes. Now not at all. I am a relationship girl. I don’t do well and don’t respond well to causally dating, never have. I like to be connected and exclusive. Dating now when I talk to my friends who are single seems like so much work and filled with so many games that I don’t know if I am cut out in this world for it. So nope I’m keeping the energy in my marriage strong and keeping my ring on!! Not accepting any applications!

Would you have more kids?

Absolutely not! I love my babies. I do not want to have more kids. I made that decision on my own when I had my last daughter. I told the doctor when I found out give me the paperwork to get my tubes tied. I asked several times after I found out that she was healthy to let me see the tubes. After my hysterectomy that triple sealed the deal. I didn’t want kids with no man on this planet. That’s not a disrespect to my husband. He’s an amazing father, I just didn’t want to carry another child. I know people adopt and have surrogates and that is an amazing thing, it’s just not for me. I do not want anymore responsibility of a child in my active life.

How do you feel about sexless marriages?

This has to be a blanket question but in marriage the idea is to be with one person alone. So if there are issues I feel both parties should provide what they need. If one partner wants sex more and the other doesn’t, communicate and work a plan. It’s not okay for one of the partners to simply not try. Sex in marriage will not keep a man or woman but a sexless marriage makes it easier for one partner to want to get out of it. I don’t get when people say he or she should just deal with a sexless marriage. It’s not okay. That’s actually quite cruel. How often a married couple is determined by both partners. The lack thereof is also both partners responsibility to work through.

Have you ever cheated on your husband?

Nope! We ain’t perfect but we solid!

Will you do a conference or something to help women?

I have no plans to do so in 2019 but you never know. I would prefer to link up with someone first who knows what they are doing but I’m not against talking about it.

Have you ever given up on yourself?

Yes! Too many times. Beautiful thing about life is as long as you’re breathing it’s a great time to reset. I choose to reset myself and not give up. Reset I do daily when things are looking crazy and I’m in my feelings. I like to remind myself in reset what my goals are. So reset your mindset and don’t give up! Trust me usually in a few hours even if things are still out of whack my attitude doesn’t have to be!

Thank you again for the questions. There were some that were outright inappropriate and I didn’t answer them. I remain vigilant about my family. I am considering closer to my wedding anniversary to do a He said/she said segment so you can get a male answer on some of your questions!!! Have an awesome weekend!

Ask Toi: Personal Questions Answered Part 1

I have said before when doing these Ask Toi when it comes to personal questions I reserve the right to not answer questions that I feel are too personal in nature. I will answer what I can when I see fit.  So here we go:

What is the main reason for blogging?

I started my blog from when I got out of battling postpartum depression. This was after treatments, counseling, and medication. I needed to find a creative outlet. This happened to be one of the ones I chose.  I enjoy being creative and writing.  I have always wanted to write.  I want to be able to write a book too one day.

How did you feel becoming a first time mom?

It was scary. I didn’t feel as if I was financially or emotionally ready. I spent so much time in the beginning telling myself that I wasn’t going to be a good mom. However after some parenting classes I felt a lot more prepared. A lot of folks don’t know that with my first, I definitely took the time to prepare for my daughter. From parenting classes, to making sure she had what she needed. I did have 3 baby showers but I spent a lot of time gathering up baby items because my mom always taught me that having a baby it was going to be on me to get things ready and right for her arrival. I took Lamaze classes and did all I could to combat my fear.  After her arrival I felt disappointed because she was 6 weeks early. I felt like there was more I could have done to prevent her early arrival.

Have you ever gotten into physical fights with others?

Back in the day as a kid yes.  I have gotten into verbal altercations as an adult. I can’t remember the last adult fight I have had to have to be honest. That’s a good thing. Right now in the stage of my life the only way I am getting into a physical fight is for the protection of myself or my children. Outside of that, that extra agitated part of my life is pretty much over.  My parents had me in church for most of my life however my parents also taught me street smarts and survival skills. A lot of folks would be surprised to know that they definitely made sure I was ready for the world.  They did very little sugar-coating in my house.

Have you ever had second thoughts when you were about to get married?

Yes. I did the days leading up to my marriage. It was more of cold feet. I will say that any thoughts that I had I explored them. Instead of saying they were cold feet, I gave great consideration about if I wanted to be married for marriage sake or because it was the right thing to do.  I came to the conclusion that I really loved my soon to be husband and wanted to marry him and so I did. However that first year of marriage and adding that I was still being treated for postpartum and I didn’t fully understand it.  The only thing I wished I had done was delayed the wedding until after my treatment was completed. This way I could have entered my first year on a better wave length. That first year of marriage made me feel the most alone and it had nothing to do with my husband.  I would encourage others before getting married to be sure that you know what you can about yourself.

How strict are you as parents?

We are strict to the point there is a lot of things that my kids can’t do as far as sleepovers, or cell phones (for now) or just going to other folks home without us. I feel as if I need to watch them. If you ask my parents they would say I let my kids do whatever they want. I do balance some old school with new, but I do let a few more new ways of parenting like allowing my kids to express their feelings, or letting them have their own opinions that we weren’t allowed to do as kids. So far it works for our home, we haven’t had a lot of talking back or disrespectful issues. Our kids are generally good. So if its protection reasons we are going to say no. However we are open as much as we think is appropriate to discuss things as a teaching moment.

Would you quit working to blog?

Absolutely. My goal is to be able to blog full-time. There is a difference in working and quitting just to blog when there is no income stream or making my blog my income stream and doing it full time. I want to do the latter. So when the opportunity ever presents itself the answer will be super easy.

Why don’t I ever just become a celebrity blogger?

One I don’t feel as if i am in the arena to blog on celebrities. I only currently blog if its something that can be a lesson to us. So the few blogs I have done have been on highlights that appear that have nuggets that I believe are take aways.

Do you believe in sex before marriage?

I do if it’s with consenting adults. I believe that you should under the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex outside of marriage. It can be binding to be honest. This is why people stay in bad relationships because of good sex. So yes I was a virgin with my husband when he was my boyfriend. I made a decision to be with him. I made a decision with any sexual partner I have had. Nothing just happens. Nothing is a mistake. I learned a lot about myself through choices. I believe sex is a decision that you should think about before getting hot and heavy with a person.

Do you like to work with other bloggers?

Yes I have and I do. I’ve had some amazing collaborations with some amazing blogging friends. I hope to do more in the future.

How does your husband feel about your blogging?

I get this question often. He’s fine with it. He supports me and what I do. There is never a time, when he doesn’t have my back. He supports it even when blogs are about him. It’s a form of expression and 💯 we always talk about whatever issues so by the time I blog them if I blog then it’s already over and worked on and through.

So this is part 1 the questions that were way harder to answer will be in part 2 for Friday, January 11, 2019!!!

 

 

Ask Toi: What do I do with an ex that won’t stop contacting me?

Ex boyfriend and ex girlfriends can vary from easy-going to super annoying. I would suggest if the communication is unwanted tell him/her.  Direct communication from your part in order to get direct no contact should work. However if your ex is the type that doesn’t take no for an answer, than block them. I think adults should be able to say hey I moved on and so should you, but if that doesn’t work you can’t stop them from calling but you can control what you answer.

One you block an ex, leave them blocked. It doesn’t always work out.  My husband was an ex at one point but I wouldn’t suggest people going to their ex just because it happened to work out for me. There was space and time between us to work ourselves out. However the mere fact that you don’t want contact means you need to close the door altogether.  If for some strange reason, you find your ex, blocking their number to contact you, or making a page on social media to follow you, please note that you may need to reinforce the I am not interested in anything anymore. If need be for safety reasons, police contact. It would be nice to think that just like back in the day where you could break up, be mad, call your girls for a night of fun, or call your boys for a night out and move on. There have been a lot of violence towards men and women during the break up phase. It doesn’t mean it will happen every time, but you have to be able to make safety your number on goal. Be an adult!

Also there has been times when I have had to get a male family member or friend to step in to assist. Whatever you do be sure to close the door. IF you really are done, be consistent in ignoring messages. Do not play the games when your mouth says you’re not, but your actions say something different. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It’s never a good thing to have to end it, and even in times when you feel like you have to be with this person, do what’s best for you. End it if you are done, and make an attempt to work it out if you can. Note that not all situations will be saved. You may always have much love for an ex but your lives just aren’t meant to be. That is okay. Speak authentically to your previous partner and voice your desires, to be left alone. If you find yourself and you are reading this to be on the other side where your previous partner has asked for space or has told you they aren’t interested, leave them alone.  Ain’t nobody got time to convince you to respect folks’ space.

 

Sunday Message: Speak into existence with action

I know we still in the New Year glow. We all have our plans and list going. However what we don’t get is that just simply writing things down helps you focus, it doesn’t do the work. You have to put work into your speech.

marketing man person communication

Photo by Gratisography on Pexels.com

It’s not just naming and claiming it anymore. You have to have action behind words. You can’t go to the car dealership put your hand on the car and walk out. You might want to also clean up your credit, have a job in place to support the payments, and be able to pay for the maintenance. This is how you can write down getting a new car as 2019 goal and act towards it. How about saving money up for a down payment? You can sell items you aren’t using it. You can use skills to bring in more income to get it as well. Action.

So now it’s not what are your resolutions? It’s what are you willing to work towards? What are you willing to get in alignment with to bring the very things in your life. Can you just obtain by asking? Yes. I have sent an email to ask to inquire about things and got the best news of my life.  This happened because I asked. Sometimes asking for help is action. It never had to be about you being able to have all of the answers, resources, and know how. You just have to be willing to do something to make your dreams happen!

reach for the and blue moon neon signages

Photo by Designecologist on Pexels.com

Will action plans into your life in this season.  Whatever you work towards if you don’t give up even at a closed-door or a no will work itself in its season of your life. Remember that no can be a protection for you! NO can shift you into where you need to be!  Just don’t sit there simply day dreaming instead of actively working towards!