Cat Fight Chronicles

You know there’s a thing about women being catty.  Not all women but quite a few.  The reason in my opinion as to why there are so many catty women in the world is that we don’t have enough women who are more interested in first building themselves and then other women.  Think about that. How many women know deep in their hearts that they see another beautiful woman and just automatically compliment her?  Think about how the beauty of another woman doesn’t take away from you but because you don’t even believe you alone are beautiful this woman who you 9 out of 10 times don’t even know intimidates you.  She makes you feel less than you are.  She makes you second guess what you have on. But SHE isn’t the issue the issue is more self-reflective.

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Let’s give you some examples. If you watch just about any reality television and it doesn’t matter what race of women are involved the formula is always one and the same.  You get a group of women together and pin them against each other and bam you have instant ratchet and success.  So we love to watch it but say we would never act like that in real life. The real reality is that just because you aren’t throwing drinks in someone’s face doesn’t mean you don’t dabble in cat fights.  You dabble every time you engage in meaningless conversations where you tear down another woman.  Some people like to disguise it as “lifting another one up” like you’re in a church click.  Some disguise it as keeping it in the circle.  The best way to know if you are catty is that if you can’t and won’t repeat what you say about another woman to her face especially a stranger you are officially catty.  Let me say to my I can dish it out and I don’t hold my tongue ladies, you do.  You don’t ever say things in the same intensity that you described it to another person like you would to the actual person’s face.

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Another example you and your man is out.  Your man glances not the whole look down of the woman.  Instead of acknowledging even if it’s within yourself that she is beautiful, is dressed nice, or has a nice body, the first thing is you slap him for glancing. Let’s not confuse this with the out right stare.  We are talking about a glance.  So deal with your man’s wandering eye but don’t knock the fact that the woman he saw is attractive in some form or else he wouldn’t have looked.  Unless your man is a scumbag and remember you choose him, than that woman isn’t getting his number just because of her attributes. She is not coming home with you unless you’re into that sort of thing.  There’s nothing she can do to your well-being or your relationship unless you allow it or your man allows it. She doesn’t take away from you.

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Another example its hard to date or marry anyone with children.  We all know that baby moms and dads can be a handful but the reality is that they are going to be apart of your life.  I know plenty of women who fight their significant other.  For instance if you watch Love and Hip Hop New York you have Yandy, Samantha and Erica fighting over who was first, second or last.  Who had Mendencees heart etc.  I could go all day on why it’s not even apart of anyone’s need to fight over Mendencee but the reality is this is a common fight among women.  If you are on the scene now with the love of your life and the other past women isn’t currently involved, etc than just build your relationship with the one you are with.  No need to worry about who was first unless you are the current in the relationship getting cheated on.  Always deal with your man and not the other woman. Cattiness will keep you on team petty and at the end of the day 9 times out of 10 either you are making you look stupid or the man you ready to bust someone one’s head to the white meat is making you look even more stupid.

Let’s talk about ways to be less catty.

  1. Grow up-sorry no cute little saying to make it easier to read.  You need to grow within yourself.
  2. Build self confidence-this is something we all need a dose of anyway.  The more confident you are the better at reacting and engaging with other women you will be. Confidence makes a huge difference in how you see others.  The lens of perception gets clearer.
  3. Tell women when you see something you like about another woman i.e  a nice pair of shoes, a cute handbag, or outfit that you like it.  This is called a compliment.  Strong women are able to offer these freely because they know it doesn’t take away from who they are, what they have.
  4. Smile more.  When you smile more it really does help keep your focus on what is important in your life at any given moment.  Women who are miserable tend to strike against others the most.  Misery loves company never forget that.
  5. Disengage in negative behavior from other women.  We are the best at ending cattiness by dismissing it in our own circles.

I am not suggesting that changing cattiness is super easy because it’s not but it can and should be done.  You will find that uplifting each other is the best thing for all of us.  Take for example the Women marches that have taken place since Trump has been office.  If we united like that on an everyday school we all would be winning.

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Rewind

Yes its a late night.  I finally got the toddler in her own bed.  I have been doing bedtime boot camp so we can get some sleep around here. So I had a few seconds to go through my old journals.  Let me say to anyone who writes in multiple journals as I do, be prepared for a flow of emotion.  You should also have anything around you that evokes happiness because often times takin that walk back can cause such an array of emotions.  For me I immediately go to music.  For me music is all over the place.  So I made a quick playlist to get through.

So while looking back I found a few things that are recurring themes.  I am a very episodic person so when things hit the fan it reminds me of another similar situation. That can be dangerous if you’re not a solid person.  I through counseling etc. have found the ability to go back without staying there.  For some others the mind will allow you to stay stuck.  Now back to the rewind, so I am in my journal and I come across a few entries that made me laugh.  I thought to myself I am glad that whatever day that came into question I am super glad that all I had was paper and pen.  Life is like that sometimes.  It’s not perfect and wrapped up for show.  Life sucks.  Life is hard, but there’s always at least one thing to make you see the good in the world.

So if you’re struggling to see the good in life, it’s time to take a time out.  It’s okay I promise to think of what YOU need.  A big picture in that is to know who you are.  As humans we change.  We can be who we want.  So if you don’t like something its okay to figure that out.  So back to my journal, I curse in it, I can tell and feel the pain of my words.  There are good days in there too.  I love it all.  I love seeing sides of myself that are real, raw and unedited.  They are some of the best parts of me.  It’s the struggle of my life that has produced some of the very best of me.  The new feat for me is allowing others to see the happier side of me.  That’s the craziest and most vulnerable part.  Some people are super happy and cheerful naturally.  I am more reserved and calculating.  So unless I am in a truly comfortable place you see the closed off version of me.

This is the message of today.  Maybe its just for me but I highly doubt it because when I get tried the most I know it’s for someone else.  I know that telling on me and being open to whispers and talks that its super important not to erase the blog.  That would be super easy.  So as you start your week and you are looking for this great motivation from someone who appears to have it altogether please take the time to look in that mirror.  The person in the mirror knows you more than anyone.  The person in the mirror has a story that hasn’t been written yet.  The person in the mirror has ALL that they need on the inside to make the life they want.  No one on the outside of that mirror can stop the potential inside.  So take a deep breath, wipe your tears, and stop letting fear stop you.  The key is taking one step and not letting your emotions and head play with you.  Your head plays with you way past when you allowed others to pull on you.  So what is it that you want to see inside of you change?  We all have desires on the outside that we want but there are a few things on the inside that have to take place to make room for the good.  Take note of those inward changes first.  If you are a miserable person, deal with that first.  There is a source that although may look like is someone else’s fault shows where YOU have to do better.

Take  that junk you are carrying and give it a name.  Know what you have inside of you trust me others know that’s why they feel the need to call you out on it.  Some people mean well but it’s always super easy to call someone to the rug but turn it around and call your own junk to the table and sort it.  As you challenge yourself to deal with it, be sure to replace it with better.  Replace it with the things that you need like joy, patience.  This is not a cookie cutter plan.  You will feel pain.  You will feel like you are walking alone.  You are.  How many are assigned to the same pain?  Not many.  So if you’re waiting for your misery train to pull up they will but they usually come with some other bags that you and I know you can’t afford to travel with.

Wrap yourself with a better security blanket than the bad habits that no longer serve you.  Love on yourself. That starts by speaking well of yourself. Not the whole I look a hot mess and then put pressure on a mate or a friend to hold you in higher regards that you won’t hold for yourself.  Begin to watch what you say.  Begin to care about what you put on, eat, drink, etc.  Take some mental timeouts.  There are times when I know I am being ambushed and I need a moment to gather my thoughts but because we live in a fast pace society I just keep on pushing.  Pushes are good until you are being pushed into something you haven’t cleared in your heart.

You having a boy?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, this is one of those questions that if you are expecting a bundle of joy you semi welcome.  Not when you step on the scale at the doctors and they tell you lost a total of 12 pounds and you been working hard to get it right is that question ever okay.

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For me unless it’s a woman who I know for sure is pregnant I don’t ask.  I consider it to be rude.  I don’t know what the struggle of that woman may be going through.  She could have gained weight and is struggling to conceive.  She could not want kids at all.  Another woman’s uterus is not my concern.  So today I am grabbing a few snacks and that is the question I am faced with.  IF you ever been around me you know my face speaks before my mouth does and I am sure that I gave the questioning woman the grizzly.  I said I have a son he’s 5.  She attempted to look off.  I said my youngest is 2 and I am working hard to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.  She looked off because she and I both know she looks dumb as hell right now. My issue with her is she sees me daily.  Did I get pregnant overnight? You just saw me and said I looked trim yesterday in my outfit but today I am pregnant?

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I ain’t even gonna front, I was humiliated and hurt.  Like WTF?!  Yeah I said it and I am sure you ladies who have been on the receiving end of that said it too.  Like wait I will have to wait until I am Instagram model ready to be considered snatched.  I am doing this on my own with the help of my gym and doctor.  I have no personal chef but have switched up my eating habits and choices.  I have no personal trainer either but I don’t let up and make sure I am consistent.  Even now typing I feel like I have to justify my size when actuality I have climbed out from where I was to where I am now.  I am more confident but even with confidence dripping off of me I wanted to crawl into a hole at the moment she wanted to know if I was having a boy.  Do you get what she was asking me.  Not only am I pregnant but I look pregnant enough for someone to guess the sex of this imaginary baby?! Oh Sweet Jesus what in the world?  I haven’t been a size 2 since my days at Penn State.  I have 3 kids all from c-section and no multiple births.  I am a healthy size 10 and I am okay with that.

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I really need some people to think before you speak.  Pushing things on folks that do not exist can really set them back.  Let’s be clear we all have our things we need to work on so let’s be more gentle with others around us.

The World is on the Edge

Well we now know that Donald Trump is our president. I watched ALL the results.  So you can imagine that on my first day back to work today since my MIL past has been extra gloomy. I need to say what I am feeling today.  My heart is heavy.  I don’t feel like we shall overcome right now.  I don’t want to grab my neighbor and pat them down.  I am feeling lousy.  I know this too shall pass but since I am not in the passing mark, I got to vent.

I have a deep pain in my heart.  I mean I get what happened but it doesn’t make it right.  I know there are Trump supporters that are in a state of glee. I am not one who shares in those same sentiments.  To rally behind Trump knowing all the things he did to spew hate, separation, and ignorance doesn’t make sense.  I still don’t get all of his policies and feel like at this point I will just have to watch and see what unfolds.  Like how many times can someone ask you what you stand for and you constantly don’t have a clear plan?

My kids were mad this morning when we told them.  My son asked me if Trump who has been bullying people with his words will make an environment at school where more bullies can pop up. I had no answer for him.  I wanted to say no son it will be just fine but since I parent from a place of honesty I can’t sell him a dream I don’t believe in.  What was I supposed to do lie?  Not happening here.  I told him to let us know like we have always encouraged him to do.  I encouraged him to talk to his teacher.  I encouraged him to keep his hands to himself unless it’s in self-defense.  I made sure he knew that at his school he should be okay but if not I am a call away.  I couldn’t mince my words. I can’t give him rhetoric.  He needs to understand what he is up against.  He is old enough to get it better than some adults.  By all means if you have been following my blog you know I don’t advocate violence but I am not in any means going to tell my kids to get his ass beat and just sit there with no kid.  The police?  That’s a different story and a different conversation.  Kids?  Naw.

I am not asking for others to feel my pain in the same way that I am dealing with it.  I am just expressing where I am so I can move forward and find ways to protect my family.  The idea that sexism is not going anywhere makes me sick.  I said on my Facebook post yesterday:

I had a conversation with a male friend. My problem with the election is that sexism and racism seems to have won. My question is for males especially since women are usually objectified, where do your conversations go now? When you sit up with your male friends making comments that are disheartening, than what? I got some of the most woke males on my page dropping jewels and them same males would drop some of the most misogynistic comments towards women with respectful mothers and beautiful daughters in their home, so what is now your plan going forward? You are just a part of the problem.I’m not biting my tongue about these issues and expected to look at my daughters and tell them it’s gon be aight. We all want to rise up for race but leave women at the bottom of the barrel… Not no more.
Do you understand that statement above?  It’s not just because Clinton didn’t win. She came in to the race with a lot of baggage that the world wasn’t willing to accept.  The bigger picture is if you had to weigh both candidates we choose to make sure that a woman wouldn’t be in power and rolled the dice on a candidate that comes off as misogynist, racist, etc.  That sends chills up my spine just typing it.  I know some won’t agree.  Some had said that the devil you know is better than the one who you don’t.  In some respects that is true but when the devil is selling you a plan that you know isn’t in the best interest of the whole picture that is definitely scary business.
I have no answers.  I know that eventually things will get worst before it gets better.  I saw online where KKK are marching down south declaring Trump’s victory.  One of my co-workers daughter’s school has already had fights this morning because students were debating the election.  Another family member of mine states that her daughter is in class where students are calling brown and black students niggers.  I know it to be true not just because she is family, but because I went to the same district years ago and had the same exact thing happen to me.  So again I am not out evoking fear.  However I can afford to turn a blind eye to the mess either.  I wish everyone safety and that hopefully we can find a place of love.  My reality shows me that some will and some won’t.  I pray that the ones who won’t will be dealt with justly and swiftly.
I read someone say why can’t we love and move on.  I love all.  My intent is to show love. My intent is to treat everyone around me the same that I would want to be treated.  I live in a reality where the same sentiments will not be given to me or my family.  I love wiht a strong dose of reality and preparedness.

Evaluate my life when I feel in Shambles…

Self evaluation of your life should happen often.  How often is up to you.  For me I always have a plan so I may look at things weekly if not daily.  It’s not that I am attempting to carry the weight of the world on my shoulder.  For me it’s always keeping things fresh and always working toward my goal.

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Today is national evaluate your life.  So no doubt many will take the time to think about what they are doing and need to do and haven’t done.  Let me say before you cue in the sad choir, that evaluation can take a lot of mental stimulation.  I know there have been plenty of times in my life where I would evaluate my life than I would go into a deep depression. All I could see was the negative things.  It was a slap in the face of what my potential was and what was actually happening.  I would in my mind want to find the ugliest of clothes and just walk around with nappy hair and sadness.  However in the real world while I was in my pity party, life was moving forward.

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I had to go to work for fear of not paying my bills and the fear of having to come home and say to my parents I couldn’t cut it. So even at my most lowest moment when even Ramen noodles seemed like Red Lobster, I had to keep going.  So how do you pick up the pieces of a shattered life or the life that was meant to be but still hasn’t shown up to greet you?

  1. Make bigger tasks smaller.  You have a plan of what you want.  Always know what it will take to make that plan pop and then find ways to make that happen daily.  If you aren’t doing one thing daily towards your goals you are already losing.  Small goals give you a mental relief until the main goal is achieved.
  2. Give yourself a break.  It is true that those who hustle hard win.  However even in hustling there are days when you are burnt out.  You have to find some time to be gentle to yourself.  You will beat yourself up harder than a fight in the boxing ring.
  3. Know that failure is when you stop not when you get knocked down.  If your goal is to workout 3 days a week and you only made it to 2 days, be grateful and try again.  If you allow your mind to have its way next thing you know you are back to no workouts at all.
  4. Focus man.  Yes that’s for the ladies too.  So many times you focus on what others got, what others are doing, etc and you are losing because you keep comparing.  It’s great to find someone who is at a place you want to be. But let’s keep it real you spend more time comparing yourself to people you never want to be like just because they seem to be temporarily prospering right now. All gain ain’t good gain.  Focus on you.
  5. Learn to find an activity that reduces stress. Let me just say that its hard to do that if you are seconds from losing it all. However its important.  I know plenty who are on their seemingly last leg but they ran, walked, journal, listen to music, etc something to keep their wits about them.  Most of the issues we face in our life has to do with her mind. If you can change your mind and how your mind has you seeing the things around you, half the time you can make more happen for yourself.

So today while you are evaluating all that life has thrown and feel like you too are being thrown, take a few steps back.  Do NOT quit.  Quitting is the biggest result of failure.  You could fall a thousand times before reaching your goal and have others consider you as a failure but when you believe it and allow it to happen you have failed yourself.  I know plenty especially in the relationship category could use this nugget.  They date a few frogs and meanwhile their friends are married, engaged, and having babies, so they immediately they cry when is it their time?  One re-evaluate yourself from the inside out.  We spend a ton of time and money on the outside and very little on the inside. Then we wonder why we attract what we attract. If you won’t date you than no one else will.

Take some time to get a plan and work your own plan.  You can’t simply say I want to move out of my family member’s house but didn’t include a savings plan, haven’t looked at your real budget and not your wish I could budget. You have to do all of those things and more. Step out and work your plan.  Be strategic.  I mean winging it hasn’t served you so get more of a definitive plan in motion.

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I have shared this before but let me say it again if you want to win you will.  I watched my mother who had my twin and baby brother and I as she walked us to the sitter.  She then walked to work and then back to the sitter and then we got the bus  home.  If the bus was late we walked.  We did whatever was necessary.  I also remember being in a homeless shelter for women and kids and thinking to myself how lucky I was.  I didn’t know that we were living below our means.  I had no idea that this wasn’t okay.  My mom never allowed us to believe that.  She never allowed us to be ashamed.  She took on that shame.  So now when I see bratty kids or even worst bratty adults who complain I just smile.  I know how to live and make things work when things were at nothing.  Some people around you have no idea of the things you been through that will get you to your destiny.  I am grateful for being on welfare as a child.  I don’t take for granted. Although I don’t have that in my pathway now, I never will get too big to remember those low days.  I remember when I had done some of the worst things in my life and knowing that at the time I didn’t see a way out and everyone was talking and saying I am this and that and how even with all of that I just kept on and keep on going.  The times you had or will have is preparing you for what is to come.  I don’t allow my very blessed children to take for granted what they have.  I make sure that they give back constantly.  Trust me it’s apart of the bigger picture of their life.

While re-evaluating things today, write some things down.  Don’t just keep it in your head.  Ask questions to the right folks that can help you get to where you want to be. Sometimes the life you think you want isn’t even the life you are supposed to have.  Stop forcing a square into a circle hole.  Sit quiet and know that the plan you are forcing may not be working for you for a reason.

In These Times

So last week was hard.  It’s still hard.  I can’t say I am in full swing because I am not. When will I be?  Who knows because I surely do not. For now let me say that it’s hard to focus.  I find my thoughts and my emotions are all over the place.

At one point I was finding myself playing more with the kids.  Then as I look at them I start to think what type of world will they live in.  So then I decorated my office space, hoping that the happy colors I had chosen for me would make me feel better.  It did but it was very temporary feeling. I think where I am now is that I have to come to the realization that there isn’t an easy fix.  There is no band-aid that will make me forget the imagery of not only the deaths of the Black men killed but the ambush on the 5 police officers.  Time will tell where our country is headed.  I do not own a crystal ball but I do not like it.  I have had several friends or at least associates that have come forth and have shown and said they are not in compassion with the Black men’s death.  Comments of well they deserved it and had they done A, B, or C they would still be alive.  These type of comments contradict what the video has shown.  I feel like I am stuck in a hard place.  Can I still maintain associations and friendships with this level of disagreement.  We aren’t talking about what restaurant to eat at, but on whose lives are more important.

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I have said and will continue to say when I hear all lives matter it depends on the source to be honest.  All lives do matter.  The premise is that we as humans don’t get to tip the scale on that issue when it benefits us or when we like a certain person.  For instance some of my associates have said well you aren’t like those Black people.  I guess they are assuming in how I carry myself.  I do not come off as some of the negative stereotypes so I am an acceptable Black woman.  That type of talk isn’t good enough.  You can dislike people based upon behavior and not discredit an entire race.  When I hear things like I am not Black enough or not ghetto enough that irks me to no end.

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Again I do not have the answer.  However I will not allow anyone to discriminate based upon my or any other person’s skin.  I am not anti-cop. I feel bad that those 5 cops who lost their lives period.  No well but this and that, nope period.  I watched the young lady who was shot in her leg as one police officer put himself over top of her and her son to shield them as another one was being shot in front of her.  Not to mention the one that was shot behind her.  The men and women on the police force that sacrifice their lives daily to protect all of ours should be honored.  The issue with the rogue police officers is that they are in badges with other agendas of hate that spill over into how they handle us. Those are the police officers we need to weed out.

As I watched various protests, it made me angry again.  Some were very peaceful.  Others were not and showed exactly why many have gathered in the first place. It feels like we are in the 50s and 60s.  I feel like fear and pain is all I can see.  I am a very positive person or at least that’s my attempt and its hard to even concentrate on small things without the climate of the world weighing heavy on my shoulders. I do not pretend to know all of the answers.  I do not pretend to have all of the facts.  To be honest no one does.  These situations are ever-changing but I do know it affects every last one of us.  It’s a sad day to be human.

What I am doing for my community is writing all of my politicians that are in power to make decisions and voicing my concerns.  I have linked with other organizations and have written letters to the families of Philando Castile, Alton Sterling and the 5 officers that were killed.  I have been emailing the Philadelphia Police Department to find out what they are doing in the wake of the latest police brutality.  These are things you can do while you are on social media.  You can ask questions so you can hear both sides of the stories. You can demand the change you want to see where the political players who have influence on the issues that concern you can know where you stand.  I do not think my voice is small.  I know its big so I am using it to do what I can.  You can push your dollars towards companies that align with what you stand for.  Do your research.  These are the things that if you can’t be on the front line that can make a difference.

Again my thoughts will change as things change or not.  Right now I am attempting to protect my kids.  I am attempting to cover my own mind.  I am attempting to be proactive and do my research.  I do not want to buy into everything that the media suggests.  I want to know for myself and ask the necessary questions.  I know that things will get worst before they get better.  I hope that any protests can be done peacefully.  I pray for the safety for all.  These protest are not just with Black people alone.  We got all people who are tired and can see that there is a problem coming out to support.  It has caused me to be in more and more prayer as action is being taken behind the scenes.  I am focusing on eating, exercising and taking care of my mental health too.  The things that are going in can distract you altogether.  You can lose yourself in wanting change so bad that you put your life and space on hold.  I think we can balance in taking care of our bodies and being in the moment.  I pray that you find your motivation.  I pray that you stay guarded.  I pray that you stay safe.