Hurt People Hurt People But You Can Do Better

It would be nice if we lived in a world where we all could uplift one another.  This is simply and unfortunately not the case.  We live in the world where with the change in political climate we spend hours of a date arguing and tearing one another down. Even politics aside the nature of the human spirit is tested to do the right thing and help one another.  Listen outside of religion and race we are do really share a lot of common experiences.  Think about a new mom who is struggling with life for those first weeks. I don’t know a mom who either experienced or not doesn’t understand what that feels like. What about a new marriage?  A couple unites and struggles with the fusing of this new life.  This is a common experience.

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We need to do a better job in uplifting one another not just when things go wrong like for instance the example of Hurricane Harvey.  Although it’s a beautiful thing to see and is needed, we need to learn to not allow a disaster to come along and THEN we step up.  We have a human right to extend the very best to our fellow sisters and brothers all around the world.  Let me also put things into perspective.  I have some folks that I have a general disdain.  I do not like them, they do not like me, but I give them and anyonelse respect.  I do not have to break bread with some folks to show respect. This costs me nothing. However at the end of the day if I was in a fire, or sick, or drowning would it matter at that moment who saved me?  Most likely not.  My disdain would only come into play when I can control the playing field. With that in mind, I try to make sure that although I may close the door of fellowship based upon personal experience with others that I do not do that with people who have done nothing to me.  Meaning for some when they are hurt they take out on the rest of the world their pain.  Pain is very overwhelming.  However pain I am having with family doesn’t need to spill into my social life.  It’s hard too when that pain resembles and is reminded.  It’s like having a band-aid on and having it peeled off temporarily and the wound hasn’t healed.

I win when I show in spirit, thought, and deed in others’ winning with me or around me. I can’t tell you the countless times as a blogger that I have been asked questions about what to do in a situation.  I am about to celebrate 3 years I don’t even consider myself to be the best, YET, but helping someone get to where I am in hopes that they take off with their site, makes me happy and fulfilled.  Uplifting and wanting what’s best even for those that I may not know is important.  To the ones I don’t vibe well with, I never practice ill will towards them.  It’s a hard balance at times when you have been hurt but me holding onto hurt does nothing but brings me down.  I am not perfect in that category but I am definitely working towards being a better version of myself.  With this in mind, there may come a time when I get to a place where I can sit in their presence and enjoy it.  I can sit in anyone’s presence when I have to and not let it get to me but to be willing to do so when I don’t have to is called personal choice.  I feel that it shouldn’t be forced.  It should be natural.  I can be in a room and say hello, and keep it moving. However to be in the room and chat it up unnecessarily is a personal choice.  I can uplift them and want what’s best for them without interacting outside of the need.

As I see stories of families, friends and strangers coming together during Harvey I am hoping that this continues to spread after the effects of Harvey dies.  I hope this continues in how we interact with one another even on social media.  I am a professional debater but I refuse to tear someone down just because we don’t agree.  Now I may decide to keep it real and not interact with someone who I don’t have to, wish them well and move on but I am at a point that I am not going out of my way to be malicious.  I am going to show support of who you are and your right to be who you are.  No different from knowing a person who is nasty in their spirit.  From a far I can not interact with you, show you respect, but make a personal choice that the vibes you send isn’t right for my spirit and not interact on a personal level.  However I have no right to dislike you and treat you badly, and then say I am a positive person.  Closing a door to a person who means you ill will doesn’t mean you are wishing them ill will either.  You have a right to protect your spirit.  You don’t have a right to be indirectly or directly mean and bash a person for being who they want to.  So I pray for all of those who is reading this blog, that they would be in a place to deal with hurt but don’t continue to hurt others or tear them down.  You have a responsibility to do the right thing towards even your enemies even when you choose to not interact with what they bring to your life.

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I am practicing these things and I am constantly checking myself so that I don’t respond when it’s not pure in heart.  I trust that even if I get it wrong that I can make it right by just doing what works for me and allowing others to do the same.

Passive Aggression only Serves You

Being passive aggressive in your personality only serves YOU.  Think about it, passive aggressiveness is the ability to avoid confrontation.  So this is the type that will say little slick things out of their mouth, will indirectly snub a person or just dance around the issue because they want to save face or they don’t like to deal with the consequences if they would just be direct.  They know if they are direct that they will have to put it all on the table but they want to dance along things to keep things brewing.  Do NOT ever let this personality type get under your skin.

This personality type have themselves believe that if they were direct that they “would hurt someone’s feeling.”  However that isn’t the truth.  Most adults being adults should be able to hear the words no and adjust.  This starts from childhood.  So withholding yourself back like you’re in a fight but can’t fight shows lack of maturity.  Being direct would stop and end a lot of unnecessary back and forth.  Passive aggressive personalities actually keep things going.  Let me explain how:

  1. It’s like being bumped by “accident” but scared the person who you bumped won’t call you out. You will know if you are dealing with a passive aggressive personality because they will jump bad but then revert to the “I was just joking” phrase to act as if what they just said they didn’t mean.  Trust me they meant it but they don’t want you to take them serious because they will have to deal with the outcome of their actions.
  2. When dealing with a passive aggressive person they will continue to under cut you just to see if you will respond.  When you don’t it doesn’t make them stop.  They will continue to poke the bear until they get a response.  Continue to not respond.  Trust me they need that to irritate themselves.  Don’t let them irritate you.
  3. They are nice/nasty.  They will say things in a nice mean way to on paper appear that they are being nice but reality they are trying to under cut.  Smile at them and let them know you will have a good day.  Passive aggressive people are actually mad at themselves for not being bold and if they catch on that you see it too, they will get even more upset.

Passive aggressive people do not like bold people.  They come off as shy but they are the ones that have to feel “pushed” to speak up.  They wait for you to tick them off because they need justification to be adults and speak up.  Learn to spot them, mark them mentally and always make sure you are clear.  You don’t have to allow a person’s passive aggressive behavior to make you upset in any way.  Passive aggressive avoid in a lot of areas too not just a one on one with others.

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Oh the biggest passive aggressive sign is indirect posts on social media.  These folks will ever speak to the person (s) they have issues but they will hit them with a meme.  Stop. Don’t fall into this and then respond.  Let this adult act childish and learn to move on. Reality is they are just not sure how to speak up, don’t want to, or just like drama. Either way they are not serving anything of value in your life and you will live if you didn’t have that type of back and forth going on.

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I have had plenty of passive aggressive people who I have had to deal with it and when I ask them directly what is the issue the first response is there’s nothing wrong.  They are right there isn’t anything wrong with how they choose to conduct themselves because they want to hide.  However with my direct personality I would rather just end the back and forth and talk.  Most passive aggressive folks want to hide.  My response to this situation when I hear an undercut is that until something is brought to my attention from the source, all is fine. I do not care if I hear about a person’s issues from a 3rd party.

When Basics are Celebrated

Please do not get me wrong.  I think anyone doing anything positive is good news.  I love that people are attempting to move past the backward thinking that has seemed to take this world over.  However, can we just be real for about a few seconds?  When basic behavior is like the best thing since sliced bread than we have a problem.

You are in a dating situation the man of your dreams is wining and dining you and pulls your chair out, etc now you are like see my man loves me?  I don’t doubt he does.  In a world where men and no not all men are too busy getting caught up in the negative things, playing video games and no job, making babies with no responsibility this could seem like a breath of fresh air.  However the issue isn’t in the mere manners, it needs to be our own personal standards that have gone on a decline. Even when I dated the most thugs of boyfriends they pulled my chair out.  It was the way I carried myself that lead them to know from the gate that if they never pull a dime like myself they was going to step it ALL the up.  So opening up doors is normal for me during my dating processes. Opening doors was basic.  It wasn’t because I carried myself in a stuck up way, I didn’t I was laid back but my mere demeanor said hey buddy, this is going to be a classy outing. Now this didn’t always mean I was at 5 star restaurants all the time either.  I could go to a night of dancing in the hole in the wall but still be treated like I wasn’t living in the hole of the wall.  I set the standard!

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If you are married and your husband is super caring, we uplift them. We start labeling relationship goals right off the bat because a husband kissed their wife.  Okay I get there are sexless and boring marriages (all by choice) but a simple kiss even a romantic passionate one making relationship goals only means that there are a lot of married couples who do not enjoy the union they are in. Kisses are done simply at the altar or union as a seal of commitment.  So….yeah we have got to raise the standard.  I had a conversation with my own husband and we acknowledged the highs and lows of our relationship and how outside things and distractions are often celebrated when we lack the self-sufficiency to love on each other and ourselves in the way it should be.  A husband who simply comes home is celebrated as if he isn’t supposed to return home after his outside of the home obligations are done.  He is celebrated and the phrase, “well at least he’s not cheating” comes into play. Like is he supposed to be cheating?  I know cheating is big but let’s not give more respect to the cheater than the faithful?  We live in a messed up world.  The only way to make the world smaller is to learn to leave the outside world OUTSIDE. Spend more time making YOUR world what YOU want it to be.

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If you are married and have kids and your husband doesn’t lift the finger to assist you with the kids some of it on you because you won’t speak up and other reasons is because he doesn’t think he should, I hear well at least he’s in the home.  So many men are locked up or leave after they make the babies.  This is true.  However him being in the home still living like an absentee father is even more crazy.  You do know they exist.  They are simply bodies but they don’t do a thing but get the greatest father in the world book just because they stayed.  Um, if you have a baby and make a baby it is YOUR responsibility to be there, provide, and dare I say interact and assist in the raising of that child.  It is simply not okay to come in the home, say hi, watch tv and send the child to bed and think you have arrived in parenting.  NO you need to be a force in the home.  You need to be helping with whatever it takes to make sure you have healthy, loved and supported children.  Ladies, if you have a man who is simply there don’t expect it.  Also speak up and don’t berate him because he doesn’t do things like you do either.  It’s give and take once ALL parties pay their part.

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I believe in rewarding kids but kids are supposed to do good things if they are influenced in the right way.  For instance every time your child does something he/she will NOT always be rewarded.  Teaching integrity means that at some point they learn to do the right thing simply because it’s right and not because someone is watching them or will give them something.  This is why some kids feel a sense of entitlement because you love your little love muffin and use rewards for everything.  Reward systems are awesome.  It can be used to motivate but should not be in the place of all parenting techniques. These little angels grow up and think the world owes them something and you and I both know that really isn’t how it works.

Like I have always pushed, balance is key.  Never do more on one side over another. I know this whole not wanting to be “basic” is a thing but the reality is there are times when going back to the old landmark really does still work.  The standard you set in your life and how you work through it should still be set by a measurement.  If a person is worth your time they will know what your standard is.  That is why some people go ga ga over things like good sex.  Is sex supposed to be bad?  Yes there are some sexual partners that don’t always do it right off the bat and you have to set the standard even in that on what you will accept or not.  However some folks get one strong sexual partner and will throw caution to the wind over some wet sheets and weak knees.  It’s like having a stack of cards and as long as one suit is good, you don’t pay any attention to anything else.  Set the standard.  Know you are worth to be treated the way you want and make no excuse for it.  In time once your basic needs are met the other items will line up because you are looking through balanced eyes.

Weekly Wrap Up: March 24, 2017

So I want to start doing a weekly wrap up with my readers.  I first want to say thank you for rocking out with me.  Some of you have been loyal since day one 2 years ago and some are brand new.  Even if you came to see what I am doing and have something to say about that, either way you are here.

With this new weekly wrap up I will attempt to wrap a few news stories as well as personal highs and lows that went down this week.

News

  1. Missing black girls in the DC area.  I have a 7-year-old and to know that these young girls are missing and not much coverage is being done to bring them or any lost child home is most disturbing.  I need our men to step up and assist our single mothers in DC and all over the world.  Men make such a vital part of our community especially in homes where no male is present.  So let’s say a prayer that these young ladies make it home safe and sound.
  2. Violence breaks out outside the UK Parliament-it is the sad day that we live in where these senseless acts of violence and terrorism takes place.  My prayers to those who were injured or lost their lives.
  3. The United States government as a whole.  It’s no secret that Trump is in office.  There are a lot of laws and a lot of back and forth taking place that affects and will affect of the everyday life.  My suggestion is that we need to all start pulling resources together.  We need to look out for one another.  I have been saying this since I started this blog, we need to take it back to the old land mark where we would watch over our elderly, feed the kids, and help the single moms and dads where we can.  A little can go a long way and not just around the holiday times either.  Step it up all year-long

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Personal Highs

  1. Lost 2 more pounds this week.  Even managed to almost loss my clothes on the treadmill.  Contemplating if I should buy smaller size clothes as I have gone down one and a half but I am attempting to wait it out.
  2. Made some time for myself and I have a few things for myself this weekend. I am on a mission to attempt to balance my life as much as possible to not give more than I need to in any one area and pour back into my own life like I pour out into others.
  3. Daughter’s report came home and we are loving her new confidence.  We are working with her on not just hearing what we say but applying.  We want her to be strong and confident and speak up for herself respectively.
  4. Concurred the water demon aka drinking water more.  I do not like water however its one of the best components to losing weight is increasing water.  I can actually drink it whether its flavored or not and that’s major progress.
  5. Keeping up with my new natural hair style.  I thought it would be harder especially with the fact that I work out at least 3 days a week but so far so good.  See my blog on my natural hair, Natural is not a phase

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Blogs for this week:

If you missed anything and you I hope you haven’t but if you did this is what we were talking about this week:

  1. Marriage and medical deal breakers.  We helped a married couple navigate should they leave their marriage over a medical problem.  You have to read my answer.  It’s not always a flat-out no.  Yes we have vows but sometimes……
  2. Rapper Future is not on my top list of greatest rappers.  I do not like this just learned how to read, cookie cutter, make money off of stupidity rap.
  3. Open marriage in the communication lane and taking trips without your mate
  4. Whether or not you should leave a significant other who refuses to wash.  The short answer is going to a yes…..
  5. We highlighted KJM a blogger that keeps it straight no chaser.  Let me say she gets the nitty and gritty of where I leave off.  I blog light but my mouth is just as sharp.  Don’t know who KJM is, catch up
  6. Spring must do

Personal Lows

So this has been a trying week for me in that I am still dealing with the aftermath of my kid’s school.  I really am trying to find the appropriate way to start communicating and liking it my kids teachers.  I believe in keeping decorum but the struggle is in having to save face after I am clear that personalities no longer mash well.  Parenting is not an easy road.  I as always taught to handle my business but I find that I am on a hi and bye level and I am not sure if that will be enough to salvage the broken relationship.  I do not play when it comes to my kids.  Once I see someone lie, discriminate, or even not give them the basic education they deserve my first step is to get through the year and think ahead on new schooling.  I know that sounds like running but it’s not.  I believe every child needs to have a good education. I believe they should be safe, and be in a welcoming environment. My kids do not go to school for free.  So once I start shelling out rent payments and car notes I expect a high level of expectation to be met period.  So I am still figuring things out and weighing out all options.  The trick is putting my issues to the side for the better of my children but not taking no junk from anyone regardless of title or position.

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This past weekend wasn’t a very good one for me.  I had a hard time coming out of a funk. No I am not super positive every moment.  I can go left real quick.  It is something that I am aware of and try to stay away from others and retreat if I need to.  My patience can become quick and the only ones I am not short with for the most part are the 3 that call me mom.  I am working on getting better on working through my triggers.  But hey I am human and I bounced back fine.

Ask Toi: My husband has told me he doesn’t want to go out on dates unless I can reassure him it will lead to sex…What do I do?

First of all you have to ask him why he feels that way. There is a reason.  If he doesn’t feel as if he is getting enough than maybe asking when you have special evenings is the reason.  You will need to find out why.  If the answer is lack of sex than what can you both work on to get to an acceptable level of sex for both of you.  This theory that sex is only for men is played out.  There’s no way you got married to have sex with one person forever and have it be with someone who isn’t willing to participate.  That isn’t fair or reasonable. It sounds like to me that he didn’t know how to ask you for sex and had a bad case of delivery.  This is common.  He wants something but is attempting to find the words to say and figured he would say anything and he has failed miserably.  Totally not right.  Let him know how that made you feel.  You are his wife, not someone he just met.  We know how it was in the dating world when a woman ordered from one side of the menu that meant that man was “entitled” to sex. However on planet reality, that’s not how it works.  If there is a man reading this sorry not sorry this is not how you get your lady, wife, girlfriend, etc to have sex with you

What you both need is romance and some intimacy that starts long before the bedroom and dates.  What your husband said is not setting right with me.  It’s too cold and to say that he won’t go out unless sex is on the menu too sound too pimpish to me.  For instance what if you had a night planned and then during dinner your head hurts. Does he end the date?  Does he not go out with you the next time?  I have so many questions.  Normally I would say be careful when you ask and not just because he came at you wrong but at this point its time for a reality check.  So no tip toeing around this topic.  You don’t have to be nasty but you do and will have to be assertive.  He needs to know you aren’t playing games and the comment was the last time it is going to be tolerated.  This give and take has to step up in a real way and it starts today.  So yes you will have to address him head on.  This will require you to speak up and be firm.

Marriage goes through many seasons.  The one season we see the most is when both couples still get goosebumps on their arms when they see each other.  Although that is super sweet and cute, the reality is that marriage is work. Marriage isn’t this lovey dovey feeling.  Sometimes you want to knock the other person out but your general love and a night in jail stops you.  Marriage can still be full of fire even when both or one of you are having a hard time but disrespect is never okay.

After you do, and you get to the bottom of it, this will tell you how to proceed.  Do you both just like to be around each other?  We all get sick of one another if we are real about marriage from time to time.  This sounds like you have been elevated to a blow up doll and that is something I am sure you’re not.  Do not let him treat you as such.  You are his wife, an equal partner.  Both of you need to step it up in the bedroom and establish what it means to be intimate with one another without it always having to involve sex.  That is the biggest way to increase sex as well as love between a couple. Also something tells me that your biggest issues aren’t even in the bedroom but in the general notion of respect. Respect once lost is hard to get back but it can be brought back if both of you are willing to work at it.  No respectable husband would even think to say this, think it yes, but say it hell naw.

Nancy you have got to go…

You ever meet a real life negative Nancy?  The one who complains about the sun being in the sky.  They always have some rebuttal for everything you say.  They are dissatisfied in their own lives and the only time they have any joy is when they are needed or have any type of good happening in their life.  They also are the type to think that no one other than them has a good life even though in their life they complain.

So their name isn’t Nancy.  Insert whatever their names are.  I have been listening to people lately.  Not eavesdropping but just listening.  If you quiet your spirit and listen to the people you are in communication with you will notice the relationships that need to be cut.  You know getting cut hurts.  It may be a sad thing but having someone in your life that is draining is ever more hurtful.  You ever leave a conversation and then your life sucks even though before you were happy and content.  It’s the life sucker you just engaged yourself.  If you constantly are engaging in this type of behavior no wonder depression, hatred, envy, jealousy don’t leave you as quickly as it should.  You are drowning.

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You can be on top of the world and have Nancy comes and steals your happiness.  Note not all Nancy’s are life suckers.  The issue isn’t making them change because they won’t. Most negative Nancies don’t even see anything wrong.  They blame it on their personality.  Oh your personality calls for being a jackass to others? Being troubling? Always having something to say? Always giving unsolicited advice?  There’s a word and its called contentious.  I have been hearing this word for weeks and it wasn’t even being spoken. Some times contentious argumentative people like to talk and have anything to say just because they think they can.  If you say the sky is blue they will have something to say about it.  Like Lord, do you ever breath in happiness?  Also be careful if someone says you are that way, look at who you hang around.  9 times out of 10 that is your answer.  Like momma always said everyone ain’t telling the same lie.  So you can drop the fact that you aren’t liked by whomever.  The reality is your personality you want to hold onto so dear has rubbed them and probably a few of your cherished friends the wrong way too.  Admit it you are the Negative Nancy.

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Be honest about yourself before you start trying to figure out who amongst you is the negative Nancy.  If you know you could use a little more positivity in how you address life in general.  Then for Pete’s sake get there.  People are tired of your ways trust me.  The ones who don’t speak up to you know it too and they just limit their interactions to avoid the drama that is you.  I know what you’re thinking I stay to myself and I don’t cause problems, but you are wrong.  The mere fact that you are alone and already are negative when you do speak and interact you tear people down sometimes by your mere presence. You are being tolerated not celebrated.  That is an issue you can’t blame others for.

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I would love to give  you a step by step but you know what you need to do you just won’t do it.  There is no middle ground.  It’s different when you are trying to do better and you fall and keep trying.  But there are so many set in their ways and have this take it or leave it personality.  Like really you are just that awful that change is beneath you?  Oh wait the rest of the world is supposed to deal with your bad attitude and ugly disposition.  You can’t smile and be positive?  Oh then the world should leave it.  You hurt any chances of real relationships being this way.  So if you want its going to have to be from a real place on the inside of you.  However to all of negative Nancies, ain’t nobody got time for you or your antics.

 

Rewind

Yes its a late night.  I finally got the toddler in her own bed.  I have been doing bedtime boot camp so we can get some sleep around here. So I had a few seconds to go through my old journals.  Let me say to anyone who writes in multiple journals as I do, be prepared for a flow of emotion.  You should also have anything around you that evokes happiness because often times takin that walk back can cause such an array of emotions.  For me I immediately go to music.  For me music is all over the place.  So I made a quick playlist to get through.

So while looking back I found a few things that are recurring themes.  I am a very episodic person so when things hit the fan it reminds me of another similar situation. That can be dangerous if you’re not a solid person.  I through counseling etc. have found the ability to go back without staying there.  For some others the mind will allow you to stay stuck.  Now back to the rewind, so I am in my journal and I come across a few entries that made me laugh.  I thought to myself I am glad that whatever day that came into question I am super glad that all I had was paper and pen.  Life is like that sometimes.  It’s not perfect and wrapped up for show.  Life sucks.  Life is hard, but there’s always at least one thing to make you see the good in the world.

So if you’re struggling to see the good in life, it’s time to take a time out.  It’s okay I promise to think of what YOU need.  A big picture in that is to know who you are.  As humans we change.  We can be who we want.  So if you don’t like something its okay to figure that out.  So back to my journal, I curse in it, I can tell and feel the pain of my words.  There are good days in there too.  I love it all.  I love seeing sides of myself that are real, raw and unedited.  They are some of the best parts of me.  It’s the struggle of my life that has produced some of the very best of me.  The new feat for me is allowing others to see the happier side of me.  That’s the craziest and most vulnerable part.  Some people are super happy and cheerful naturally.  I am more reserved and calculating.  So unless I am in a truly comfortable place you see the closed off version of me.

This is the message of today.  Maybe its just for me but I highly doubt it because when I get tried the most I know it’s for someone else.  I know that telling on me and being open to whispers and talks that its super important not to erase the blog.  That would be super easy.  So as you start your week and you are looking for this great motivation from someone who appears to have it altogether please take the time to look in that mirror.  The person in the mirror knows you more than anyone.  The person in the mirror has a story that hasn’t been written yet.  The person in the mirror has ALL that they need on the inside to make the life they want.  No one on the outside of that mirror can stop the potential inside.  So take a deep breath, wipe your tears, and stop letting fear stop you.  The key is taking one step and not letting your emotions and head play with you.  Your head plays with you way past when you allowed others to pull on you.  So what is it that you want to see inside of you change?  We all have desires on the outside that we want but there are a few things on the inside that have to take place to make room for the good.  Take note of those inward changes first.  If you are a miserable person, deal with that first.  There is a source that although may look like is someone else’s fault shows where YOU have to do better.

Take  that junk you are carrying and give it a name.  Know what you have inside of you trust me others know that’s why they feel the need to call you out on it.  Some people mean well but it’s always super easy to call someone to the rug but turn it around and call your own junk to the table and sort it.  As you challenge yourself to deal with it, be sure to replace it with better.  Replace it with the things that you need like joy, patience.  This is not a cookie cutter plan.  You will feel pain.  You will feel like you are walking alone.  You are.  How many are assigned to the same pain?  Not many.  So if you’re waiting for your misery train to pull up they will but they usually come with some other bags that you and I know you can’t afford to travel with.

Wrap yourself with a better security blanket than the bad habits that no longer serve you.  Love on yourself. That starts by speaking well of yourself. Not the whole I look a hot mess and then put pressure on a mate or a friend to hold you in higher regards that you won’t hold for yourself.  Begin to watch what you say.  Begin to care about what you put on, eat, drink, etc.  Take some mental timeouts.  There are times when I know I am being ambushed and I need a moment to gather my thoughts but because we live in a fast pace society I just keep on pushing.  Pushes are good until you are being pushed into something you haven’t cleared in your heart.