Ask Toi: What do I do if I want to expose a person?

This is a general question. There really needs to be followed up with questions to this situation. Focus on the meaning as to why you want to expose the person. If it’s due to a crime or harm especially where children is involved you need to go to the proper authorities. There should be no loyalty over the harm of kids. So if that is the case, take a deep breath and expose the person. If it’s to get back after a fall out your motives may not be in the right place. Things in time will be revealed with anyone. So your willingness to expose the person due to anger or get back will come back to you. The old folks had it right when they said while you “dig one grave you might as well dig two.” Be clear on your why. Everything ain’t for get back purposes. I know Karma serves her dishes appropriately so you don’t have to let the way you feel push up her sentence.

I’m not saying don’t expose I’m saying be clear on your why. Be sure it’s for the reason of justice that is valid and not purely for the gain of making you feel better for how someone may have treated you. Exposing someone just to get back and it’s not for a real purpose of them doing something they shouldn’t have actually done is headache. Also be sure if you do expose them you have proof. This is not the time to interrupt someone’s life on a “felt like a punch” movement. Felt like a punch is a joke my college friends would use amongst us to say whatever was happening wasn’t really happening but we imagined it would had it gone down the way we were describing it. Don’t let that be you while you are focused on the wrong angle to approach the situation.

Good luck!!

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Ask Toi: How Do you Tell your Friends to Watch their tone with you?

You have to just tell them.  This notion of allowing folks in the name of friendship speak to you anyway suggests that you are keeping them even in an unhealthy state just to keep them around.  That’s the same notion used in some romantic relationships just for the sake of not being alone. I know you want to preserve relationships and of course blowing up at everyone is frowned upon but real friends should be open enough to speak the truth in love.  I think sometimes we forget that keeping real can go left sometimes and you must have a little finesse when you deal with other humans.  People have things in their life and on their heart that not everyone needs the in your face approach or the let everything happen approach.  There is a balance but you are the ONLY one who control that.

From what I gather you have allowed a build up go on way too long and you need to address the relationship as a whole. It sounds more to do with if that friendship should stick than it does with tone.  As adults you aren’t going to necessarily get it right all the time, but friendships are a choice unlike family.  If you choose this relationship in more than one way, then you need to find out what attracted you to it in the first place.  Keep in mind that not everything can remain.  So that means that there are times when relationships can run its course.  You don’t sound as if you are just someone in a tiff with a friend but more you are recognizing the unhealthy part of the relationship.  You have two choices, keep some control of how you allow folks to speak to you, or let it continue while you get frustrated and mad that you didn’t speak up.  I would suggest you speak up when things are being said and if that doesn’t work, you may need to figure out the extent of the relationship and let it take its natural course.  Also you have to own some responsibility.  I have had friends who for various reasons have crossed lines, but it’s not the habitual line stepper that was the issue it was my issue for not making others respect me.

Ask Toi: How do you survive the argumentative double date?!

So the back story is a reader is married and friends with another girl and her husband and they often go out on double dates except the dates have become uncomfortable due to the invited couple arguing and making a scene every where they go!

My advice is speak to the friend aka the wife. But before you speak to her go into the situation knowing that you will not change how that husband and wife interacts. You really shouldn’t want to. The second you go into that conversation with any other expectation you are setting yourself up for failure.

You being married already know that the second you attempt to explain that the arguing and fighting is wrong it at least wrong while on dates the wife will take offense. You don’t have to be around a bunch of yelling and drama just because it’s their right to be the type of couple they choose to be! I know some folks reading this is thinking maybe the friend will be receptive but the truth of the matter is that other friend knows her and her husband are doing the most and they don’t care. There’s no way you can be out with folks being loud, arguing, making a scene and it keeps happening and they just don’t get it?!

So you need to let her know that it’s uncomfortable and the next time they ask you to go out say no. If the wife asks you why just say you needed a break from the drama. This sends the clear message and gives you the power to make it about you and not them. They can be and interact any way they want but what they can’t do is expect you to be okay with it especially in public. Not only that who wants to be around that all the time outside of them?! If they love it then kudos to them but folks hate being out and attempting to be about fun and uplifting marital bliss and having to have all eyes on them cause one part of the party is doing the most. My thing and this is a little extra information to anyone who knows they are that argumentative couple, stay home. I get that things can pop off at any given time but at some point that has to get old. You will lose friends and other couples who want to be around you because you can’t shut it down for a few hours! If you have that much dysfunction go to counseling. Seriously!

You as the friend do need to speak up since it’s bothering you or you and your husband but friend or not you don’t have to subject yourself to that behavior double date or not. To be honest double dates are fun but telling your friend no can allow you and your own husband the ability to go out without being embarrassed or uncomfortable!

Ask Toi: How do I tell Others to Back up on the baby talk?

This question is coming from a newlywed so here is my answer:

 

Simply thank them for their concern and let them know that when the time is right you will have or not have a child.  The decision is between you and your husband. It has to be irritating for people to question another person about someone else’s uterus.  Let’s end this now. Unless you want to carry a baby for them, raise it and pay for them you have no right to ask another person that you are or aren’t close to on when or not they plan to have a child.  That goes for mommas too.  We love you momma but you don’t get a hand in the decision to bring life into the world for your child. Ask your child aka your grown child if they plan on it, but then back up and respect their answer.  The pressure alone can be devastating to a new couple or even seasoned couples.  You don’t know if that couple has been trying and miscarried, or knew going into it they couldn’t have any and didn’t feel the need to inform you.  These are personal questions that unless someone comes to you and talks about it should be off limits!

Too many times we place this pressure for newlyweds to have babies but we have to be realistic:

  1. Not everyone wants to be parents-accept it.  Kids are a lot of responsibility. Not everyone is built to handle that dynamic. Marriage is not just for baby making.  You actually might like someone’s companionship and don’t want to have children.
  2. Support systems-having children and having no system of support is a real issue. I have 3 and we are JUST getting a 5 second support systems. It takes a village to raise children.  Not everyone has what they need to raise kids.  Don’t feed me the excuse that single moms and dads are doing it.  A lot of them are and are not balanced while doing it.  They are often times lonely, cry often, suffer depression etc and this can be had even within a marriage.  Marriage is not a cure-all for any of this!
  3. Many folks aren’t financially sound to have children.  There are some people who want to get this goal crushed before they have children.

Worry about yourself.  Spend time in your own than worrying if a couple who you may think would be the best parents, become one. Let newlyweds enjoy walking around their house naked if they want.  Let them enjoy date nights, and having their new life centered before adding diaper changes and baby feedings in. Let folks live.

Ask Toi: Is it okay for a live in boyfriend not to come home?

Absolutely not okay.  When you’re living with your boyfriend or girlfriend there are no days that are schedule for either one of you to have sleepover at other people’s home. This makes zero sense to me.  The one way to have this be done is to live in separate homes.  No one forced you to live together so if you are going to “play house” like the old folks would say you must abide by the rules.  If you are feeling smothered by your mate then you need to speak up but no ma’am or sir are you allowed to just not come home.  Who raised y’all?  You have to understand that this is why you have to take living together seriously.  Just because you love each other and already together all the time anyway, is not a reason to live together.  That’s called infatuation. It fades trust me.  It’s a magical feeling that overtakes you and makes you think you have unicorn powers over the abundance of love that you feel.  It’s misleading.

The reality is that once you get in the house with the other person the real comes out.  It’s a light bulb that is brighter than wattage you can purchase.  I would say be clear about everything.  How you live, the responsibilities of the upkeep of the home, how bills will be split and how you both plan to have a separate life together.  Yes separate life.  You even if you’re married don’t need to be joined at the hip.  There should be mutual respect that is given at all times to one another in how you move and it sounds like this isn’t happening.

Have you both decided how things will work out if you two don’t work out?  I know that love is powerful but love won’t stop the bills from having to be paid and we don’t need credit messed up cause love went left.

You need to have a talk to your boyfriend and go over the above and find out if he and you are ready to take on the whole cost of living together.  This is why the old folks said don’t do it.  They wasn’t trying to kill your vibe, they were trying to protect you from the ups and downs that you may not be emotionally ready for.  Also what changes have taken place that both of you weren’t ready for?  Is there more nagging and less communication? Both of you need to sit down and put things into perspective. Good luck but be clear-love is amazing but living together is costly in more ways than just your wallet.

Weekly Recap: January 19, 2018

Is anybody other than me still struggling with writing 2018?  I don’t know why I am but I am.  It seems so weird to say but we are all the way into the New Year. One of the things that I can’t wait to do is to continue to enjoy. I don’t want a lot of things I could have done, I want to look back and say I did.

Personal Goals:

I was able to finally book my solo trip. I had been debating if I was going to open this trip up to friends but I decided to do it on my own.  Everything in the world that I have read have all confirmed this trip.  Shout out to Demetria Lucas who I look up to so much who talked about tips on traveling alone recently.  This was after I had booked the trip.  Trips alone for me are something I want to add and luckily I can cross that off of my list for this year.  I will blog it once I am back but that wont be until April.  Just know where I will be going will be sun and heat.  I can’t stand this cold it’s getting on my nerves so in the mean time I will just envision myself there.

Shout out to my cousin Thalia who had the most amazing Sweet Sixteen.  It was great to be able to hang out with family to dance, drink, and eat.  Thalia is such a hard working young lady with the grades to prove it. I pray that as you continue in your walk that you get smarter, stronger, and make a beautiful mark in this world!

Go Eagles

Image result for eagles

The Eagles won! That was a major game. Although we didn’t get to see the game, it was definitely great to hear that they had pulled the W! This weekend we will see if the Eagles has what it takes to make it to the Super Bowl!

As far as workouts I did the damn thing this week! I gave myself a rest day yesterday since I worked out everyday.  It feels good to know that I also have some fitness plans coming up in my weekend!

Shout out to my oldest daughter who got Peacemaker award at her school.

Blog Goals

Thank you to everyone who continues to read and support. It’s a blessing to do what you love.  If you have missed any blogs you may want to catch up ToiTimeBlog

This week we covered a lot of Ask Toi questions as well as talked on the life of Dr. King.  Today I even posted about a time where I was drowning in depression, self-pity, and etc and had to learn how to pull myself out of that.  So shout out to all of those who feel like there is only one string left and you are still holding on.  It doesn’t feel good in the fight but once you come out if you learn the lesson you can combat whatever comes your way applying some new-found skills!

What’s Coming Up for ToiTime?

One I’m continuing to crush these work outs and good eating.  What you eat is important as what you do with your body.  I am working on getting my runs aka 5K set for the year.  I also working on attending one blog conference this year as well.  So if you didn’t know we are traveling and doing more events this year.

In addition a new month is upon us, February.  The month of love. As always I plan to talk to my singles who seem to get missed in this month and give you some survival skills as this month takes a toll on those who desire to be with someone and are not.  It’s a real life feeling that when you have someone you tend to forget.

Also early this year I need to work on those ladies who want to shine a light on a part of their life that they overcame. I need women from all walks of life and backgrounds.  Don’t worry I do all of the work and all I need you to do is be open, willing and transparent.  I think so far I have written some honorable pieces. This will come out in March but I need to do all of my interviewing now.  If you are interested let me know by sending me an email to toitimeblog@gmail.com

 

Thanks, until next time-find something that you are passionate about or something that makes you happy and do it well!

Ask Toi: How do you deal with someone who Deflects all the time?

Consistency and straightforwardness.  There is no other way.  You will have to find a way not to be like the person you are dealing with.  Be clear and concise.  Say what you mean and mean what you say.  People who deflect are often not the type of person who opens up to faults.  It’s always someone else’s fault.  For example, the friend that complains that the utility company is always giving them a hard time but doesn’t ever want to admit that they make a thousand payment arrangements that they may not honor, or just simply doesn’t have a good payment history to begin with.

If you are in a romantic relationship this can be hard.  You address a situation with them. They make a billion excuses and you are left frustrated.  Look at the level of relationship. Are you dating?  Maybe this is a deal breaker for you.  You try to work with it unless its continual dishonesty and then you decide that this person doesn’t meet your standard.  Is it in a marriage?  Try finding ways to approach them. If none of these thing work, get a 3rd party to help.  If you, and the 3rd party can’t get them to see the error of their ways, you may want to consider some soul-searching.  It’s 2018 and I am not for breaking up families at all.  Let me say that for the folks in the back, breaking up families is not the will.  However what else isn’t the will is doing the work for two people.  This is not how relationships are supposed to work romantic or not.  So be wiser this year, work on you.  Be clear when you deal with a deflector and attempt to make some things work.  However if you know without a shadow of a doubt that you have exhausted ALL of your means, find ways to either let nature do its thing with the relationship or hit it on the head and roll.

What do I mean about nature taking its course?

If it is a friend that is always deflecting you might find that you spend less time with them. They will begin to wonder what is going on.  Have a talk and say I brought up a few issues and you dismissed them with your actions. Be clear in how they were dismissive and let them know that this is unacceptable.  If it is someone you are romantic with, if they aren’t self indulged they may notice that things aren’t what they once was.  Bring that up and remind them how their actions continue to be dismissive.  Have a plan if its someone you are romantically with.  Sometimes we sit around knowing that things should end but because we don’t want to hurt their feelings, we wait and pray and hope they will end it. Put your big girl/boy drawls on and face the music.  If is marriage you can’t be in a one-sided marriage.  I know a lot of miserable people who are in these marriages and literally cry or sad all the time.  This can’t be at this point. It’s one thing to say someone else is doing ABC, but it’s another to stay rooted just for the sake of saying you didn’t give up.  You not giving up should be in your actions.  Working all the time to be the change you want to see. Making sure you meet your partner full way to what they need and if you can say yes I have done that but…. you haven’t done all you can.  Let’s knock this I do for them but they….. If there is a they you have to own that something you have allowed may be the cause for the set up in how they treat you.  Did you let a few things slide?  Has things always been a certain way, and now you are growing and changing? There is nothing wrong with growth and change at ALL. You will need to bring up the change to your partner and if they love you they will do their work to be a better version of themselves to you.  No need for dead weight in 2018!  Don’t be the weight to your partner but don’t take deflecting excuses this year either.