Ask Toi: I cheated and my husband holds it over my head, should I leave?

I can’t give you that answer. I wonder if you two have done the work to heal. If you have been seeing a counselor and you have talked or are talking it out I would say let it run its course. I think regardless of who cheated meaning this goes for women and men, the person who is holding the cards is usually the one who has been cheated. You can’t determine how long that person grieves this betrayal. That is what it is your husband feels betrayed. Men are also wired differently they could be a cheater but don’t get over being cheated on. Women also cheats for other reasons than simply sex. So you need to figure out the reason that you cheated and if that reasoning has been resolved. If not you may find you doing it again. So I would seek counseling in addition to martial counseling. However you also aren’t trapped into your marriage. If its worth to go through this pain you may find that you and your husband to be stronger. But it has to be both wanting it. If you find that only you are interested in making it right, you have to make that decision. The only thing is that counseling will help so that you don’t take the same patterns into another relationship. I remember my husband going to counseling and our counselor let us know it’s not an easy fix. It wasn’t about cheating but the same principle applies. Counseling isn’t a fix. It helps you weed out your feelings and helps you determine your threshold for love and work. I wish you peace as you continue but ONLY you can determine how long you should work or if you should throw in the towel. I would say counseling is the best way to go about it to start the journey.

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Ask Toi: How do I Break it to a Friend that they can’t attend events with me due to their bad attitude?

This is tricky but necessary. I mean you could if you didn’t want to confront your friend, attend the events and not have to give a reason. However if your friend asks I would be honest with them. Sometimes you must have a difficult discussion. There is no way around your friend’s bad attitude.

Keep in mind that your friend is mostly aware of their bad attitude. Your friend may even disguise it with this is how I am take it or leave it type talk. People always find ways around accepting their behavior and doing something about it. You may not win your friend over by telling them about something they may not want to accept. However I wouldn’t invite them to events until they actually did. Your friend is going to say you changed or you’re stuck up but remember end of day you don’t want to spend the night having to defend your friend’s attitude and behavior. No one wants that. You want to go and enjoy yourself. If your friend is being awful to others because “that’s how it is” they can be that way at home.

You also don’t have to necessarily cut your friend off but keep in mind but having the conversation might tip it that way. Listen people with bad attitudes aren’t oblivious to how they are often times they don’t care. You can make up valid reasons of pain and past traumas and they all could be valid. However what’s not valid is knowing those triggers exist and expecting to be in a world where we should just deal with embarrassing behavior just because. Tell your friend the truth. Expect them to be mad. In time when they are ready to accept responsibility which also means change, you and your friend can hang out in public events without everyone around you having to be put off by your friend’s bad attitude.

As always good luck. Don’t back down because your friend will say that if you are my friend you should understand them. It’s not okay and accountability is important! Speak up and good luck!

Ask Toi: Hump Day Edition

The question is how does our reader communicate to her boyfriend that he needs to stop promising the world to her during sex…

Well this is a good problem to have. In one sense know that during sex a man would just about empty out there account to you if it meant getting more. However it can be off-putting to hear it every time you have sex. I would just mention it obviously when you’re not in the moment. You have to bring it up so that it doesn’t mess up your head and then no one is having a good time.

Also know too if you leave it alone and don’t mention it at all it really could just be how things happen. Meaning men say dumb things at the point of climax. Most men barely follow through. Men make a lot of promises during sex. If he is saying weird things he wants to give you that you really wanted or needed and then falling by the way side with the come up, there’s a problem. If he is making promises on dumb and unattainable things then understand the other “head” is doing the talking. So if he promises you marriage or brings it up during sex but outside of the bedroom hes mute and you want to be married, let him know it’s not ok and that it has to stop.  If he does tell him how disheartening it is to have these conversations with him when he is doing it for the wrong reasons.  Climax produces a lot of amazing feelings but playing with your emotions isn’t one.

If it makes you uncomfortable or makes you want to stop having sex with him its worth a conversation.  However this is why women hold an amazing power.  We have the ability to really take a man down with that power. Speak up and find other ways to have some sexy talk during your sex sessions.

Side note for men: don’t tell a woman you gonna give her anything you can’t really give her once you wash up and leave. Talk that talk that can be backed up and not when we backing it up…..

 

Ask Toi: Personal Questions Part 2

So as promised here is part 2 of the personal questions that readers ask me #AskToi questions. Remember if you have questions about relationships, friendship, dating, work, and anything in between, send the email toitimeblog@gmail.com

How often do you argue with your husband?

Well I try not to bring people to in-depth of my marriage because it’s for he and I but I will say that these last couple of years it’s been dramatically less. So I would say maybe once every few months on serious issues and the dumb stuff that we just cut our eye at each other maybe daily. Life is short and we are mastering the art of communication. We are learning how to be partners and that is making sure we give each other what we both need and balance is key.

How often do you hang out with your friends?

I have one girl girlfriend that I make a monthly or semi monthly date with. A lot of my long-standing friends live in other states. It’s hard to link up. We have been getting better at communicating with one another and checking in. My local friends I do my best to meet up and do a lot of check ins.

What is something that ticks you off?

For me is inconsiderate people. I’ve evolved over the years. So anyone who does things just to be mean and inconsiderate whether that be with my time, energy, etc I will pull a Mariah Carey “I don’t know him/her” move. It’s disrespectful at this point in my almost 40s to give five more seconds to inconsiderate folks.

Have you ever wanted to be single since being married?

If asked a few years ago maybe in the early stages of my Marriage I would say yes. Now not at all. I am a relationship girl. I don’t do well and don’t respond well to causally dating, never have. I like to be connected and exclusive. Dating now when I talk to my friends who are single seems like so much work and filled with so many games that I don’t know if I am cut out in this world for it. So nope I’m keeping the energy in my marriage strong and keeping my ring on!! Not accepting any applications!

Would you have more kids?

Absolutely not! I love my babies. I do not want to have more kids. I made that decision on my own when I had my last daughter. I told the doctor when I found out give me the paperwork to get my tubes tied. I asked several times after I found out that she was healthy to let me see the tubes. After my hysterectomy that triple sealed the deal. I didn’t want kids with no man on this planet. That’s not a disrespect to my husband. He’s an amazing father, I just didn’t want to carry another child. I know people adopt and have surrogates and that is an amazing thing, it’s just not for me. I do not want anymore responsibility of a child in my active life.

How do you feel about sexless marriages?

This has to be a blanket question but in marriage the idea is to be with one person alone. So if there are issues I feel both parties should provide what they need. If one partner wants sex more and the other doesn’t, communicate and work a plan. It’s not okay for one of the partners to simply not try. Sex in marriage will not keep a man or woman but a sexless marriage makes it easier for one partner to want to get out of it. I don’t get when people say he or she should just deal with a sexless marriage. It’s not okay. That’s actually quite cruel. How often a married couple is determined by both partners. The lack thereof is also both partners responsibility to work through.

Have you ever cheated on your husband?

Nope! We ain’t perfect but we solid!

Will you do a conference or something to help women?

I have no plans to do so in 2019 but you never know. I would prefer to link up with someone first who knows what they are doing but I’m not against talking about it.

Have you ever given up on yourself?

Yes! Too many times. Beautiful thing about life is as long as you’re breathing it’s a great time to reset. I choose to reset myself and not give up. Reset I do daily when things are looking crazy and I’m in my feelings. I like to remind myself in reset what my goals are. So reset your mindset and don’t give up! Trust me usually in a few hours even if things are still out of whack my attitude doesn’t have to be!

Thank you again for the questions. There were some that were outright inappropriate and I didn’t answer them. I remain vigilant about my family. I am considering closer to my wedding anniversary to do a He said/she said segment so you can get a male answer on some of your questions!!! Have an awesome weekend!

Ask Toi: Personal Questions Answered Part 1

I have said before when doing these Ask Toi when it comes to personal questions I reserve the right to not answer questions that I feel are too personal in nature. I will answer what I can when I see fit.  So here we go:

What is the main reason for blogging?

I started my blog from when I got out of battling postpartum depression. This was after treatments, counseling, and medication. I needed to find a creative outlet. This happened to be one of the ones I chose.  I enjoy being creative and writing.  I have always wanted to write.  I want to be able to write a book too one day.

How did you feel becoming a first time mom?

It was scary. I didn’t feel as if I was financially or emotionally ready. I spent so much time in the beginning telling myself that I wasn’t going to be a good mom. However after some parenting classes I felt a lot more prepared. A lot of folks don’t know that with my first, I definitely took the time to prepare for my daughter. From parenting classes, to making sure she had what she needed. I did have 3 baby showers but I spent a lot of time gathering up baby items because my mom always taught me that having a baby it was going to be on me to get things ready and right for her arrival. I took Lamaze classes and did all I could to combat my fear.  After her arrival I felt disappointed because she was 6 weeks early. I felt like there was more I could have done to prevent her early arrival.

Have you ever gotten into physical fights with others?

Back in the day as a kid yes.  I have gotten into verbal altercations as an adult. I can’t remember the last adult fight I have had to have to be honest. That’s a good thing. Right now in the stage of my life the only way I am getting into a physical fight is for the protection of myself or my children. Outside of that, that extra agitated part of my life is pretty much over.  My parents had me in church for most of my life however my parents also taught me street smarts and survival skills. A lot of folks would be surprised to know that they definitely made sure I was ready for the world.  They did very little sugar-coating in my house.

Have you ever had second thoughts when you were about to get married?

Yes. I did the days leading up to my marriage. It was more of cold feet. I will say that any thoughts that I had I explored them. Instead of saying they were cold feet, I gave great consideration about if I wanted to be married for marriage sake or because it was the right thing to do.  I came to the conclusion that I really loved my soon to be husband and wanted to marry him and so I did. However that first year of marriage and adding that I was still being treated for postpartum and I didn’t fully understand it.  The only thing I wished I had done was delayed the wedding until after my treatment was completed. This way I could have entered my first year on a better wave length. That first year of marriage made me feel the most alone and it had nothing to do with my husband.  I would encourage others before getting married to be sure that you know what you can about yourself.

How strict are you as parents?

We are strict to the point there is a lot of things that my kids can’t do as far as sleepovers, or cell phones (for now) or just going to other folks home without us. I feel as if I need to watch them. If you ask my parents they would say I let my kids do whatever they want. I do balance some old school with new, but I do let a few more new ways of parenting like allowing my kids to express their feelings, or letting them have their own opinions that we weren’t allowed to do as kids. So far it works for our home, we haven’t had a lot of talking back or disrespectful issues. Our kids are generally good. So if its protection reasons we are going to say no. However we are open as much as we think is appropriate to discuss things as a teaching moment.

Would you quit working to blog?

Absolutely. My goal is to be able to blog full-time. There is a difference in working and quitting just to blog when there is no income stream or making my blog my income stream and doing it full time. I want to do the latter. So when the opportunity ever presents itself the answer will be super easy.

Why don’t I ever just become a celebrity blogger?

One I don’t feel as if i am in the arena to blog on celebrities. I only currently blog if its something that can be a lesson to us. So the few blogs I have done have been on highlights that appear that have nuggets that I believe are take aways.

Do you believe in sex before marriage?

I do if it’s with consenting adults. I believe that you should under the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual aspects of sex outside of marriage. It can be binding to be honest. This is why people stay in bad relationships because of good sex. So yes I was a virgin with my husband when he was my boyfriend. I made a decision to be with him. I made a decision with any sexual partner I have had. Nothing just happens. Nothing is a mistake. I learned a lot about myself through choices. I believe sex is a decision that you should think about before getting hot and heavy with a person.

Do you like to work with other bloggers?

Yes I have and I do. I’ve had some amazing collaborations with some amazing blogging friends. I hope to do more in the future.

How does your husband feel about your blogging?

I get this question often. He’s fine with it. He supports me and what I do. There is never a time, when he doesn’t have my back. He supports it even when blogs are about him. It’s a form of expression and 💯 we always talk about whatever issues so by the time I blog them if I blog then it’s already over and worked on and through.

So this is part 1 the questions that were way harder to answer will be in part 2 for Friday, January 11, 2019!!!

 

 

Ask Toi: What do you do if you reach out to a friend and they constantly ghost you?

Stop reaching out to them. They could have things going on or they could just not be in the space to talk at all or specifically to you. There is no way of knowing. However its okay to reach out a few times to someone. After the ghosting continues, just go on. I know it sounds super harsh that I wouldn’t encourage you to chase people but in 2018, give people space to process their lives. The ghosting may not be about you but there is no reason to chase an adult around for any reason. You can always pick up with a person if they had stuff going on that prevented them from being a good friend. When you see that adult being super cool with another person in the midst of ghosting you, than just leave it be. Who is supposed to be in your life will be. I also belief in provision. If you need a friend and you continue to be a good friend, God, the universe etc. will send you what you need to replace. This is why I always believe you never really lose friends.  So acknowledge how frustrated you are and then release that person and the relationship.  Also do not feel obligated if you see that person in person to do more than a hi and bye. You don’t have to do acrobats to get that person’s attention. People are allowed to process life, go on in life, befriend who they need to. You also have every right to continue on in your life and be at peace. Part of peace is about preserving your spirit.

Ask Toi: What do I do if I want to expose a person?

This is a general question. There really needs to be followed up with questions to this situation. Focus on the meaning as to why you want to expose the person. If it’s due to a crime or harm especially where children is involved you need to go to the proper authorities. There should be no loyalty over the harm of kids. So if that is the case, take a deep breath and expose the person. If it’s to get back after a fall out your motives may not be in the right place. Things in time will be revealed with anyone. So your willingness to expose the person due to anger or get back will come back to you. The old folks had it right when they said while you “dig one grave you might as well dig two.” Be clear on your why. Everything ain’t for get back purposes. I know Karma serves her dishes appropriately so you don’t have to let the way you feel push up her sentence.

I’m not saying don’t expose I’m saying be clear on your why. Be sure it’s for the reason of justice that is valid and not purely for the gain of making you feel better for how someone may have treated you. Exposing someone just to get back and it’s not for a real purpose of them doing something they shouldn’t have actually done is headache. Also be sure if you do expose them you have proof. This is not the time to interrupt someone’s life on a “felt like a punch” movement. Felt like a punch is a joke my college friends would use amongst us to say whatever was happening wasn’t really happening but we imagined it would had it gone down the way we were describing it. Don’t let that be you while you are focused on the wrong angle to approach the situation.

Good luck!!