Monday Inspiration: The Protection of No

Happy Monday to you.  Today I want to talk about the pain that comes along with NO.  Like children when we hear no we may experience a plethora of feelings.  From being disappointed, to hurt, to anger.  What you wanted and where you are in that journey makes your NO levels different.

If you were in what you thought was a loving relationship and you felt the next step was marriage only to find out that the person you held so dear to you is a fake, that NO that he failed you and the pain of starting all over again can be devastating. What about the pain in the NO when you are job searching?  Job searching is a numbers game at times.  You may hear several NOs in your lifetime where that is concerned.  Trust me.  When I got laid off of my job in 2010 right after having my premature daughter I was devastated.  I was thinking what in the world am I going to do?  I moved to Philadelphia and found out I was pregnant again.  Out of my element and new to a city I decided to take some time off and do the stay at home mom thing.  It was harder than I anticipated.  The time I decided to go back to work, I heard so many NOs my heart actually hurt.  I felt like I would be at home forever.  No after NO after NO began to chip at my spirit.  I am human I thought I have a college degree and experience why is this happening.  But it did.

During those difficult times of hearing NO and the mix emotions I felt, I got stronger.  I felt like I was taken a thousand steps back but I got stronger. I got a job and then began to progress to where I am now but the story wasn’t an easy one.  I have had moments where I second guessed myself. I cried.  I cursed from being so angry. I was miserable. I had to get it together.  So if you woke up and all you can do is hold onto the pain of NO, I get that.  Hear me clearly, when you let it go and walk with the sting of the pain and move forward you may not get that YES the same day, but you will if you don’t quit. At the very moment of quitting you will get a YES.  Put the work in.  Take moments along the journey of NO to renew your mind.  You may have to do this daily.  Whatever it takes, don’t faint and don’t quit.  There is protection in NO.  NO means something else is out there for you.  No means that the journey you paved for yourself wasn’t the journey YOU needed to be your best self.  Shocking how we think we know everything we need until life throws something our way to prove that we don’t.  Strive for excellence.  You can walk through the pain without the pain knocking your will to live out of you.  The protection is making sure you don’t walk further in pain.  There are people in places God never intended because instead of listening to the NO and letting it protect them, they let their personal desires walk them willingly into some mess and now they are miserable.  They shouldn’t be in that place and they know it.  Sometimes that stubborn will have you walking in circles.  When things don’t work out there is a reason.  If you are running late to a place, there is reason.  It’s protection.  Yes its frustrating but you don’t know what you are about to walk in.  Trust the process.  Have faith and walk in the sting of the pain don’t let the pain of NO overtake you.

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Sunday Message: “What She Said”

So today is turning out not quite how I had in mind. I’ve finally ate breakfast yet it’s clearly late lunch time right now. I woke up with the worst headache. I haven’t had a migraine like this in quite awhile. I’ve noticed my hormone levels have been all over the place. Thankfully I have my first “yearly”check up since hysterectomy surgery, tomorrow.

I was looking at my Facebook memories and a picture came up that was so innocent but made me do a little thinking. I started thinking about my past dating life and being single in general. Let me pump all of your breaks now I am not wishing or hoping for any old thing! I am not taking applications, my home life is super secure. But I thought about the woman I was. I would say I was strong and confident. I did what I felt like I wanted to a point.

I was talking to a friend and she asked me at any time while dating did I feel like I had regret. I told her the truth overall no of course. However individual situations many times. I definitely struggled with wondering what everyone was saying or thinking of me. I’ve only come to the knowledge now that folks will say whatever about you or even make up what they want so you have to just live.

I remember one time when I was visiting some friends in Atlanta a man I had been romantically connected to wanted to rekindle but I was so caught up in what those who were with me thought I declined. He told me I would go back home and be “wifed up” and he was almost right to the point. I’m not saying anything would have come from that encounter but there’s no way of counting that out. Again I’m not in a what could have happened mode but as my friend and I talked there were other missed opportunities that I missed aligning my life with the crowd.

I

I missed job opportunities too! I got a job offer in Omaha and didn’t take it because I was worried about leaving my family and feeling I would be isolated from friends. I wasn’t thinking about how much of a life I could have created. My dad was like girl get out and enjoy life. But nope I was like I’ll stay.

Listen, having people around is great. Creating a new life is scary. Taking a chance on love, can be nervous however don’t ever make a decision on the basis on what others would think. Whatever the “she” is speaking, saying, or thinking, it only affects them not you. I’ve missed on things because my inability to separate support from permission. I didn’t need permission but during that time I wasn’t able to distinguish the two and set boundaries.

Everyone is talking about “living their best lives.” I’m doing that now. I’ve wasted time and didn’t enjoy moments due to not being able to understand what that meant. I didn’t have the capacity to shut the naysayers out. I didn’t have the capacity to say regardless of what my entourage thinks, I’m making a decision on what I want.

Whatever the “she” may be whether a friend, a strong glare from a stranger, your church family, a boyfriend or even a potential dater, be sure to balance what they say to what you want and be able to live with yourself after the fact. Anything that may create a regret means don’t do it. I wouldn’t go back to that life now but I can learn and teach my girls and my son not to let other whispers stop you. You can’t live your best life under the guidance of hoping for acceptance from everyone around you! You may not get it. You better be sure you can accept you. You are okay with the outcomes. You are okay with walking away! What “she says” means nothing if it doesn’t align to what you say or what you want! Remember support isn’t permission. Give yourself permission to be happy! Define what that means to you!

Ask Toi: What do I do if I want to expose a person?

This is a general question. There really needs to be followed up with questions to this situation. Focus on the meaning as to why you want to expose the person. If it’s due to a crime or harm especially where children is involved you need to go to the proper authorities. There should be no loyalty over the harm of kids. So if that is the case, take a deep breath and expose the person. If it’s to get back after a fall out your motives may not be in the right place. Things in time will be revealed with anyone. So your willingness to expose the person due to anger or get back will come back to you. The old folks had it right when they said while you “dig one grave you might as well dig two.” Be clear on your why. Everything ain’t for get back purposes. I know Karma serves her dishes appropriately so you don’t have to let the way you feel push up her sentence.

I’m not saying don’t expose I’m saying be clear on your why. Be sure it’s for the reason of justice that is valid and not purely for the gain of making you feel better for how someone may have treated you. Exposing someone just to get back and it’s not for a real purpose of them doing something they shouldn’t have actually done is headache. Also be sure if you do expose them you have proof. This is not the time to interrupt someone’s life on a “felt like a punch” movement. Felt like a punch is a joke my college friends would use amongst us to say whatever was happening wasn’t really happening but we imagined it would had it gone down the way we were describing it. Don’t let that be you while you are focused on the wrong angle to approach the situation.

Good luck!!

My Reactions to Jennifer Lewis’ Breakfast Club Interview

So I watched the interview with Jenifer Lewis and it had my full attention for over an hour. Let me forewarn a few that she is who she is. If you have ever seen her or listened to her then you know she talks the way she wants to. She serves it with no sugar and her mouth slips when she wants it to. Some may find it offensive, I didn’t. I felt like the tone of her voice was real and it made her points even more valid. I will post the link so you can view it for yourself but I wanted to touch on the parts that spoke out to me. Again I shouldn’t have to say but I will that these are my views on what I received from her interview:

30 Summers Left

She speaks about time being short and how with that short time she doesn’t allow folks with negativity to dominate her space. I love that. I think it’s easy as she has done the work to be in that place AND she has gotten to that age where she can say and do as she pleases. She makes note that she’s saved her money so she really isn’t worried about someone coming for her. What a place to be in?! I was like well say that! How many of us can say the same?

It’s like watching that smart mouth Aunt say whatever the Hell she wants and everyone got something to say to her but you got cash money on her cause you know not one person gonna try her. That’s what I felt. Now while I watched I wrote my points down in a notebook. I carry one on me at all times and she mentions having a journal to write down your feelings. She also talks doing this practice of writing things down since the 7th grade and how that is how the book she wrote came to be. I have it and will spend some time over the weekend diving in.

So what will you be doing with however many summers you have?! Will you be using that energy giving to folks who don’t need it? How about wasting your time on things that at the end of the day aren’t necessary? Wasting your time talking about the same folks and what they have or don’t have or where they are going?! Evaluate a few things, use your time better. Folks tired of hearing it. Speak about a few things that matter!! Move on!

Mental Illness

What’s I liked was her candid conversation about mental illness. She has said she is bipolar and suffers with depression. It is uncommon for anyone is show business to tell their business when it comes to this disease. People don’t want to admit it in fear that others will not book them for being in their truth. I like it because I stand with others in that mental illness is something that we need to stop making taboo and actually deal with it. She talked about how she was being perceived and how she handles it. She is not ashamed as she tells it. She calls out a few including Kanye West that she feels is suffering as well. Taking care of yourself is important and being honest where you are is even more important. You know something is wrong deal with it.

Multiple Friends

The notion we tell ourselves that we don’t need friends or we only need one friend has to stop. Not one person has what you need. Stop this island life. You need others around you. You are the issue as to why you can’t exist with others. Change it!

Beating your Kids

Now this is a subject that will ruffle feathers. Let me explain why! It’s not just because of the argument of violence towards kids and how that affects them. I think it has more to do with doing things “just because that’s how you were taught” is more of the discussion. She advocates for parents to stop doing it all together and spend some time disciplining them and talking to them. She talks about even in her age she still has scars on her from being beat as a child. Any beating or popping that is done to a child that leaves a mark is abuse. So have your thoughts or do what’s best but be open to that discussion when listening to her points.

Millennial

She stated she wrote the book for millennials and I can definitely see that. Too many times this new way of thinking which is fine on certain points wants to discredit things that have shaped the world as it is today. As she goes through this book tour she is also making sure she reminds people of where they come from and to respect those who came before them. This message here is necessary especially in regards to the many young people who are losing their lives daily and accountability seems to take a back seat.

So I’m enclosing the link so you can view and come to your own conclusion. However I think it’s a great watch for all. She keeps everyone laughing even through tough dialogue about rape, sex addiction and even sexual abuse. Please give it a look or watch!!

Jennifer Lewis the No Chaser Edition

Monday: Restore

It’s another Monday upon us. Depending on how your weekend went makes a difference in what you see going into a new week! Sometimes when you have a bad weekend and you don’t reset, it makes you speak badly about your new week!

Do not allow the frustration from your weekend make you talk badly about this or any other Monday. Mondays are what you make of it. You can take control of any bad day and turn it around. Get determined to do what needs to be done. Set yourself up for success!

Change what needs to be changed by being active. This means if you dislike your job, be active in looking and applying. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, sometimes that is a full time job searching for a new one. However the benefits will be worth it. If you don’t like where you are living and money is tight, seek for what you can do to change it. Look at your spending habits. What can you change?! Where can you cut? Do you have a hobby you can use to make money from? What about selling a few things you don’t need? All of it will take participation from your part to change where you are!

Take courage today to make today that much better. You got this! Good morning Monday!!

Birthday Message: 37 is freeing

Soooooooooo it’s the final day of #toibration. It’s my actual birthday today. What a year it has been! Every birthday is a time to renew! It’s a personal New Year!

It’s a time to reset! It’s a time to figure what didn’t work and redo a few things. My husband made a status on Facebook yesterday about my bucket lists. I don’t know if I can call it that! I took on a journey to be free. Free from all things! I’ve stepped out and crushed quite a few goals! I’m pretty damn proud of myself. Like I’m not just another year older but I’m grown, like real grown! I feel like despite of being where I am in my life I’ve accomplished so much since last year. I can stand on my own! I’m the type of grown that isn’t waiting until I turn 40 to know who I am! I know who I am and I’m stepping into my own and liking it! Let’s back step I’m loving it!

I remember the days my mom would say when you get grown…. and in my 20s I thought I had gotten there only to find I was really just a big girl in a grown world. Now, I’ve touched a piece of the surface and I can say I’m grown!! Although years later I’m sure there will be new affirmations and new revelations, today I can’t help but thank the Lord for mercy and grace. How many times have I been close to death and been spared?! Too many times and this is why I celebrate everyday.

For years I had been taken many L’s. That’s losses for those who don’t know. From being unhappy, to moving and not thriving, for taking jobs with no advancement, to almost having my marriage on the edge, my health in jeopardy etc., walking away from a few folks, these last couple of years have busted my emotions. I made up in my mind to not blame anyone until I could determine what part I played in things.

On my Facebook page I highlight national days! I do it because it makes me happy. I do it because there is something big or small that we can be happy about. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bad days! I do! It doesn’t mean that stuff don’t go left because it does. But anytime I can wake up and see life in me and around me, there’s a reason to smile and walk in grace!

This new year I plan on stepping even further out of my comfort zone! I plan on working or should I say continuing keeping my inner peace in tact! I’m not interested in rekindling old relationships unless those individuals have done the work like I’ve done! I’m okay with my circle and those who are gifted into my life! I don’t need high numbers of folks who aren’t invested in me. Any a few that remain may get shaken to be honest. I’m changing and as my needs change and I want the right people around me!!

I want to take more trips this year! Grow stronger as a mother! Be deeper and more connected to my husband. Have amazing sex!

Yup I said it, I’m grown! Be and receive great friendships! I want to fix a few relationships that need mended! I want to be an amazing aunt to my nieces. Yes I can climb that ladder. Yes I can go after whatever is for me! I want to really stretch out and grow in mind and spirit! I would say body but that’s an extra hell no!

So happy birthday to me and my twin!! It’s a good day today and this new year will be full of greatness!!

So cheers to an awesome day, birthday month, end of Toibration, and birthday reset!!

Ask Toi: Was I Wrong for calling my husband a child?!

Yes.

For my readers women all over call their husband an “extra child.” However that shouldn’t be a serious conversation and not in front of other people. This wife made a scene at a restaurant and then called him a child causing the entire restaurant to stop. This is a very black and white situation where anything that is said that demeans your mate, should not be done period. You don’t get to justify that bad behavior and it works both ways.

It doesn’t matter that you as a wife feel its not a big deal. It’s a big deal because it was said and it was embarrassing. A Husband being an additional child is really the fault of the wife. It could be you married a man who is co-dependent or you take on everything and then get mad when you are too overwhelmed and have him spoiled. Trust me I had to learn to work with my own husband not berate him. So I’m telling you from experience how detrimental it is in how you speak to, and how you handle each other with care and respect.

Either way you have to admit that outburst was completely uncalled for and speaks to you needing to have a conversation about the reality of what you need in your life from him. You can’t just have outbursts in public or private and not deal with the actual issue. If you don’t know what it is then spend sometime with yourself. You however have no right to use your issues as reasons to come at your husband and if he’s done this to you, will do this to you, etc he would be just as wrong. That’s for the ones who like to point the finger out instead of in when a situation goes down.

The respect in your relationship is gone to be flat out honest with you and it needs some repair. I might even suggest that you may need to work on your issues before suggesting that you both to go to counseling. He may be more adapt to receiving if he sees some change in you! It’s going to take some time before the embarrassment wears off he won’t forget it even if he forgives you. Be careful with your words even in the heat of the moment.

Good luck!!