How To Deal With a Jerk

So the other day I was driving behind a jerk.  I was on my way to work and I didn’t have my kids in the car which is a rarity in the morning.  Usually when I have the kids in the car I usually do an out loud prayer to prevent me from using “adult words” in my  kids’ presence and they get a kick out of it because they think I am trying to be a comedian and I’m really not.

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So this day I was able to get my car washed before work and make a Wawa stop which for me is under a Starbucks stop and I am in a good mood.  The man in front of me is going at least 15 mph in a 25.  So at first I turn my music up and rock out until he is going several blocks looking back at me in his mirror.  So the music is no longer loud to me because my focus was on the irritating man. I don’t want to tap into full road rage because in this day and time people are taking lives over this type of stuff. So a few deep breaths.  Than at some point I lose it and I am hollering at the car.  Why am I hollering as if this man can hear me?  I am all in my feelings.  The man sees it and drips down to 10mph.  Everyone is beeping their horn but he’s smiling in his mirror seeing the agitation and getting off on it if you ask me.  I couldn’t get around him at first.  So I am like Toi, what are you doing?  Don’t feed into his foolery.  So I realize I can make a turn and get around him so I do.  I turn on my Beyoncé and I get my smiles on because I know that its going to irk him to see me happy.  It works, he is waving at me as I get around me all besides himself as he catches the light.  I was able to get me together and not given into this brief encounter.  There was a way out.  There is always a way out when dealing with idiots.  We don’t look for ways out we like to indulge  into what jerks are doing. There’s a spot in us that likes to let others see that we are mad at them.  To be real folks don’t care.

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Don’t subscribe to their channel.  When someone sees you are ruffled you let them know that you are irritated and what spot to keep hitting.  Guess what?  They keep hitting. Stop allowing people who do not matter to have a front row in your life. This is easier said than done but once you shut out the extra folks and their mess that they create you will notice a peace in your own life.  Some baggage comes from our own minds, things we create, and some come from deposits that we allow others to drop off and then they walk away feeling fine and we are irritated, mad, sad, heated, and hateful.  Drop folks and their stuff off with them and makes waves to secure your own peace.  Peace is sometimes better than just having a solution to an issue.  You can solve a problem and still have no peace.  So today, to hell with a jerk…..

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Fake Marriages and Why?

So every last relationship on this planet is different.  Not one is the same no matter how many similarities may exist. So my thing is that women do NOT need to be married.  I know men are measured by their careers and women by their relationship status but this is crazy.  The number of spiritual ceremonies and fake marriages is getting out of hand.

Now let me tell you where this is coming from.  I read a blog that stated that Yandy and Mandeecees from Love and Hip Hop New York after the lavish wedding they had on national television is actually not real.  I don’t know if it is or not but let’s say for argument sake it’s not.  I don’t get the point.  It’s technically not my point to get but let’s draw on a few things.

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Do we have to have these fake marriages?  It’s one thing if you have a spiritual ceremony and everyone knows hey we don’t want the necessary papers but we doing this because it feels right.  The other flip is to attempt to make it appear that you are indeed married when you are not.  Like what are you proving to others?  I have never felt the need to do things for an audience.  Like for instance the terms wifey and hubby irks the hell out of me.  I know its cute to say but let’s keep it real.  There are a number of couples that believe in their little hearts that they are that man’s wifey when in reality you are indeed not.  You are a girlfriend that likes pet names.  I don’t mean to burst your bubble but that’s how it works.  Let’s give a scenario, you are in an accident and your “hubby” dies, you are not the one they seek to make decisions .  Sorry you are not.  They are looking for next of kin. Bummer all that hubby talk doesn’t give you legal rights unless you were smart enough to get power of attorney and other legal documents lined up.

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I love when I hear people say they don’t care about a piece of paper but be the same ones posting memes about how men get licenses for their dogs and won’t do the same for their relationships while laying next to their “hubby.” If you don’t want to be married than so be it.  It’s not for everyone. I can respect it.  I am married and I don’t ever paint this happily ever picture like I lay in bed of roses and balloons all day.  Marriage is work and not everyone is cut to make it work.  So stand by it.  Please stop sending out messages to people to make it appear that your relationship is more than it needs to be and then want people to respect you as such.  Just stop.  Now Yandy and Mandeece may decide to be married after his stint in jail is over.  Business wise it makes sense but it poses a very important question.  If you can’t fully take on your mate’s issues on paper because it will cost you than what does it show you about the cost of your relationship for real.  Like I get it.  Legally Yandy would be held liable for paying back his fines and cost possibly for the financial responsible for his kids too.  However they paint this picture like she is more than able and wants to take on his kids.  I can’t wait to see how this comes out.

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As a woman who want to be a boss, can you just be in a relationship and satisfied or have you already given into the societies desire for you to be married so faking it gets others off your back?  It in all reality says you love a man but at the end of the day legally you are no different from any other woman in that man’s life.  I am sure she has gotten her paperwork in order that if she needed to take care of his affairs she can, but for the average woman how long you gonna play house if you really want to be a permanent house mate?  This isn’t for the women who swear off men and would NEVER marry.  This is the ones that lie to themselves and are just okay to be entangled with a man.  This is for the woman who is marriage hungry to take on a man’s name.  Be smart.  Find out what works for you and stick to it.  But stop the lies.  Stop lying to yourself as if you are more to that man than the pretty picture he has painted.  He just wants that milk for free and is “trying to get his shit together.”  How long that takes?  Let me guess its 10 years and you are crying inside and lying to your mom and girlfriend just like he lies to you.  You want marriage but don’t want to rock the boat or “hubby” will leave.  You better get in your own spirit what you want and take the fake mask off.  If you want marriage, make sure is for YOUR right reasons.  However don’t waste a quarter on a fake ceremony. I have said it before and I will say it again if it’s a ring you want, buy yourself one.  Do NOT however stop feeding a bunch of lies about that paper you really do want.  Be smart.  Be honest. Be clear.

Women shouldn’t have to fake it in 2 places and that’s the bedroom and to an audience of folks who could care less.  Speak up about what you need in and out of the bedroom.  Too many woman having to fake a lot of things and let with empty shells and dry sheets.  Do better.

You having a boy?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, this is one of those questions that if you are expecting a bundle of joy you semi welcome.  Not when you step on the scale at the doctors and they tell you lost a total of 12 pounds and you been working hard to get it right is that question ever okay.

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For me unless it’s a woman who I know for sure is pregnant I don’t ask.  I consider it to be rude.  I don’t know what the struggle of that woman may be going through.  She could have gained weight and is struggling to conceive.  She could not want kids at all.  Another woman’s uterus is not my concern.  So today I am grabbing a few snacks and that is the question I am faced with.  IF you ever been around me you know my face speaks before my mouth does and I am sure that I gave the questioning woman the grizzly.  I said I have a son he’s 5.  She attempted to look off.  I said my youngest is 2 and I am working hard to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.  She looked off because she and I both know she looks dumb as hell right now. My issue with her is she sees me daily.  Did I get pregnant overnight? You just saw me and said I looked trim yesterday in my outfit but today I am pregnant?

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I ain’t even gonna front, I was humiliated and hurt.  Like WTF?!  Yeah I said it and I am sure you ladies who have been on the receiving end of that said it too.  Like wait I will have to wait until I am Instagram model ready to be considered snatched.  I am doing this on my own with the help of my gym and doctor.  I have no personal chef but have switched up my eating habits and choices.  I have no personal trainer either but I don’t let up and make sure I am consistent.  Even now typing I feel like I have to justify my size when actuality I have climbed out from where I was to where I am now.  I am more confident but even with confidence dripping off of me I wanted to crawl into a hole at the moment she wanted to know if I was having a boy.  Do you get what she was asking me.  Not only am I pregnant but I look pregnant enough for someone to guess the sex of this imaginary baby?! Oh Sweet Jesus what in the world?  I haven’t been a size 2 since my days at Penn State.  I have 3 kids all from c-section and no multiple births.  I am a healthy size 10 and I am okay with that.

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I really need some people to think before you speak.  Pushing things on folks that do not exist can really set them back.  Let’s be clear we all have our things we need to work on so let’s be more gentle with others around us.

The World is on the Edge

Well we now know that Donald Trump is our president. I watched ALL the results.  So you can imagine that on my first day back to work today since my MIL past has been extra gloomy. I need to say what I am feeling today.  My heart is heavy.  I don’t feel like we shall overcome right now.  I don’t want to grab my neighbor and pat them down.  I am feeling lousy.  I know this too shall pass but since I am not in the passing mark, I got to vent.

I have a deep pain in my heart.  I mean I get what happened but it doesn’t make it right.  I know there are Trump supporters that are in a state of glee. I am not one who shares in those same sentiments.  To rally behind Trump knowing all the things he did to spew hate, separation, and ignorance doesn’t make sense.  I still don’t get all of his policies and feel like at this point I will just have to watch and see what unfolds.  Like how many times can someone ask you what you stand for and you constantly don’t have a clear plan?

My kids were mad this morning when we told them.  My son asked me if Trump who has been bullying people with his words will make an environment at school where more bullies can pop up. I had no answer for him.  I wanted to say no son it will be just fine but since I parent from a place of honesty I can’t sell him a dream I don’t believe in.  What was I supposed to do lie?  Not happening here.  I told him to let us know like we have always encouraged him to do.  I encouraged him to talk to his teacher.  I encouraged him to keep his hands to himself unless it’s in self-defense.  I made sure he knew that at his school he should be okay but if not I am a call away.  I couldn’t mince my words. I can’t give him rhetoric.  He needs to understand what he is up against.  He is old enough to get it better than some adults.  By all means if you have been following my blog you know I don’t advocate violence but I am not in any means going to tell my kids to get his ass beat and just sit there with no kid.  The police?  That’s a different story and a different conversation.  Kids?  Naw.

I am not asking for others to feel my pain in the same way that I am dealing with it.  I am just expressing where I am so I can move forward and find ways to protect my family.  The idea that sexism is not going anywhere makes me sick.  I said on my Facebook post yesterday:

I had a conversation with a male friend. My problem with the election is that sexism and racism seems to have won. My question is for males especially since women are usually objectified, where do your conversations go now? When you sit up with your male friends making comments that are disheartening, than what? I got some of the most woke males on my page dropping jewels and them same males would drop some of the most misogynistic comments towards women with respectful mothers and beautiful daughters in their home, so what is now your plan going forward? You are just a part of the problem.I’m not biting my tongue about these issues and expected to look at my daughters and tell them it’s gon be aight. We all want to rise up for race but leave women at the bottom of the barrel… Not no more.
Do you understand that statement above?  It’s not just because Clinton didn’t win. She came in to the race with a lot of baggage that the world wasn’t willing to accept.  The bigger picture is if you had to weigh both candidates we choose to make sure that a woman wouldn’t be in power and rolled the dice on a candidate that comes off as misogynist, racist, etc.  That sends chills up my spine just typing it.  I know some won’t agree.  Some had said that the devil you know is better than the one who you don’t.  In some respects that is true but when the devil is selling you a plan that you know isn’t in the best interest of the whole picture that is definitely scary business.
I have no answers.  I know that eventually things will get worst before it gets better.  I saw online where KKK are marching down south declaring Trump’s victory.  One of my co-workers daughter’s school has already had fights this morning because students were debating the election.  Another family member of mine states that her daughter is in class where students are calling brown and black students niggers.  I know it to be true not just because she is family, but because I went to the same district years ago and had the same exact thing happen to me.  So again I am not out evoking fear.  However I can afford to turn a blind eye to the mess either.  I wish everyone safety and that hopefully we can find a place of love.  My reality shows me that some will and some won’t.  I pray that the ones who won’t will be dealt with justly and swiftly.
I read someone say why can’t we love and move on.  I love all.  My intent is to show love. My intent is to treat everyone around me the same that I would want to be treated.  I live in a reality where the same sentiments will not be given to me or my family.  I love wiht a strong dose of reality and preparedness.

National Let it GO Day!

Well I am the master or at least the one who knows the national list of days.  Today is no different.  Today is national let it go day.  What a great day to let things go.  If you can read this blog today, than you are on the good side of life regardless of what your situations, relationships, situationships, etc. say.

You are in the right place at the right time.  I know that seems a little scary when you have your eyes on the things around you.  Letting go is hard.  I will not kid you.  It is allowing a charge that is usually rightfully placed and letting it go.  Now in letting it go it doesn’t mean that it doesn’t bother you.  It means you are simply taking the sting away from your heart and mind.  You are not allowing the person or thing to drive you one way or another. Letting it go has many stages.  Sometimes you are mad as hell, and sometimes you cry. Sometimes you are sad, and often times want to scream or even hit something or someone.  Let’s be real.  Folks want to paint letting it go like its all flowers and roses and it’s not.  We ALL have been in situations where we have opened ourselves to something or someone and have been hurt, disappointed or even broken.  We vow never to allow it again but guess what hurt comes in waves and in many forms.

As you protect yourself from pain understand that it’s a necessary part of life.  One thing I need to say is this, in letting go you need to get it out.  Often we want to be tough cookies and are walking around cess pools of emotions because we don’t release it.  You have to get it out.  How you get it out is not by self medicating.  You need to talk about it, be honest about how what happened and how it made you feel, and then replace it with better things.  I’ve had to release some relationships that didn’t serve anymore but when I see those same people nothing moves on the inside of me.  It’s like seeing an ex and they are just a person.  You remember the good and the bad but it doesn’t make it uneasy to be around them because the sting of what they did, said or how they treated you has been released.  You can’t continue to hold onto bitter things.  It won’t yield anything positive in your life.

Any relationship that you cut off will come with peace especially if it’s for the right reasons.  When others feel like they are still stinging you, they will continue in the same pattern.  You can break it with your responses to them.  Some adults ain’t nothing but oversize kids.  Your age and stage in life doesn’t bring maturity.  Maturity is in your growth and how open to change you are.  I know 50 plus women and men still acting childish, still causing confusion like high school girls and guys, still sleeping around from bed to bed, and still ain’t got life figured out.  You have to see past people’s tactics.

Letting it go doesn’t benefit the other party.  It’s cleanses you.  It makes you whole.  It gives you peace.  Do you know of the many people who are dead and in shallow graves still got hold on folks that are alive today?  You still mad at someone from 20 years ago, how does that serve you?  How does that anger help make you better?  Don’t wonder why you still stuck in the same circle.  You know why.  It’s called not letting go.  It’s called un-forgiveness.

Let me end this nugget on forgiveness.  Forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to entertain people or take the relationship back to the same place before the offense.  Some people think that if you don’t break bread with them or hang out with them, call them etc. you don’t forgive.  Your attendance to my life doesn’t mean anything.  People need that to feel like things are okay.  If you have said what needed to be said and you and another person have made peace but don’t interact it is well.  People can’t expect to do wrong and get a front seat in the arena of your life.  No you can love folks from afar.  That means you do not wish them negativity.  I refuse to allow folks a continued seat in my life knowing they are Judas.  Judas in Jesus day was necessary for us to know that if we had someone betray us we could handle it.  However the other lesson is that once Judas is found out in your life its okay to wish Judas well from the other side of the tracks but not invite Judas over for coffee.  You don’t have to mend relationships back to where they are made.

Another example, if you drop a cup but put it back together with glue, it works but it will never look like the orignal cup before the fall.  It may still be useful in allowing one to drink from it, but it won’t have the same value as it did.  Some relationships are like broken cups.  They are useful to an extent but the value of the relationship may not be the same.  You can move on, close doors, and leave peace with others.  Leaving them with peace is a lot better than leaving them in pieces.  I know I have moments where the latter was definitely an option or at least that’s how I felt in the moment.

Since we all have been hurt let me give you some reminders.  We all have been on both sides of hurt.  We have been the ones that have been hurt as well as hurt others.  Let’s remember a few things:

  1. Remember your words are life and death literally. You can speak things on and into folks that literally can change them for the better or spiral them into an out of control state. Be careful of what you say.
  2. If you are the offender, be honest about what you said or did.  For example, don’t do half apologies when you are wrong. Accept what you did and make it right.
  3. Stop trying to force relationships.  People can be seasonal and its okay.
  4. Family is not a reason to accept disrespect.  I get Ask Toi questions all the time the title that someone has is not an open invitation for foolishness.  You can respect someone’s title/place from a far.
  5. Walk in your age.  If you want respected for your age such as an elder, act like one. Yes I took it there but its true.  There are a slew of young folks that have been hurt by elders.  As a mom even with my own little people I apologize quickly. I know how it feels to be hurt by elders.  Age means nothing when you hurt others.  You just show you are an old fool.  You can do anything with tact and understanding and when you have been in situations where you have shown less than that make it right.  My great grandmother who passed away recently was 95 years young.  We gave her respect not just because she was an elder but she actually treated people well.  Others want the same but they lack tact in how they treat others.  No one will rise up and call you blessed just because.  You have to give respect in order to receive it and that’s across the board.

If there is an area you could use some help in letting go.  Work on it.  Talk to someone who can rightfully divide truth to you.  I have been in things where I was right in what I said but wrong in how it was delivered.  Be willing to take what someone said even if its said in anger and align yourself to be better.  Just cause someone called you something you didn’t like if it was true, say ouch and make it right.  Then you can deal with the delivery of the other person.  Life is shorter and shorter these days.  You need to let it go even if you have no desire to continue relationships like you once did.  You have that right to leave them with peace and move on.

Oh final piece, when you forgive remember you will hear others bring you stories and things that were said. I got a call just last week on someone from a source I barely speak to. Isn’t that how it works?  You been minding your business than bam, someone say, girl you know what so and so said about you?  My response was simple.  I said well thanks I’m sure there will be more lies before its all over.  I could have defended myself, but who was I proving myself to?  To the one who spoke ill of me, they won’t care they started the lies. Surely me saying, I didnt, it wasn’t me, wasn’t going to make me and the person come together and ride off into the sunset of love.  I knew not to even entertain it because the same person that brought it to me will take something back and at 35 who has time for the back and forth?  I don’t, too much live to life.  Let it go!


Ask Toi: My Husband Gave Me a Sexually Transmitted Disease

Good evening reader,

I apologize that I’m like 5 behind on my Ask Toi.  When I read yours I wanted to respond to yours first.

Let me start by saying I have no idea what this betrayal feels like.  I can’t begin to imagine what you felt like when the results of your exam were echoed in your ear.  Marriage is supposed to be the deepest level of love, giving, and respect that one is supposed to experience here on earth.

I also know that no matter how many times you go to the gynecologist it is one of the most awkward times a woman has to deal with.  Yes even with 3 children I still dread the annual visit.  This particular last time I was there and we did the exam she asked me if I wanted to  have all the tests completed or not since I was married.  I said to her, marriage means I wouldn’t have been exposed?  She said not to her but when she has suggested that women get offended by the full panel.

I said to her any time I come in I always want a full panel.  You never know and I always to know what is going on with my body.  I’m a married woman and if I got the results that you did I would be devastated.  I would be angry.  I would be sad.  I would be embarrassed.  I would be hurt.  I want to start off with your answer by saying whatever your responses and they will change-are normal.

I definitely do not judge you.  I honestly think whatever measures your doctor and you have discussed is what you should do to ensure you take prompt care of your health.  Please take this time to get your body and mind healthy.  You asked me what I would I do and I would have a very serious talk with my husband,  You aren’t going to be able to bypass this conversation,  I would be prepared for him to point the blame to you.  A STD doesn’t come with clear track on its origin so it opens up the blame game.  My hope is that honest dialogue would come from this.

After you address the elephant in the room, I would take some time to think of your next step.  On the surface it would be easy to say leave your husband.  If it was me I’m sure I would definitely have that high on my lists of ways of handling it.  I know some of my readers would agree.   The problem with matters of the heart is that our mind says one thing, our body says another and the heart usually has the final say.  Don’t be too quick to walk away even if in the end you do.  What I’m saying is you may leave him but do it or stay on your own terms.

You have nothing to prove to me or any other woman reading this.  I don’t have to tell you that a man who is careless with your life doesn’t love you like he claims.  Hopefully within medical regards this is curable, but what if it wasn’t?  What if your life is forever altered?  Isn’t it already?  Getting a STD single or married is a problem.  I do not lack empathy.  However marital vows were broken and that is an ultimate betrayal.  How can you build with someone after that?  Can you get past it I’m sure one can but women generally don’t forget.  I know you will always hold it over him even when you think or say you won’t.

IT would be wise to leave however that’s a personal decision.  ToiTime will be here to support you.  Whatever you do make sure you take care of you.  I do belief that you will guide you and that what you need is already inside of you and I wish you well.