Blackish Postpartum Episode

This is a trigger episode if you ever had or have currently postpartum depression.  I am going to be super blunt today, I cried throughout the episode and let me tell you why:

  1. I dealt with postpartum after the birth of my son.  I remember feeling like the biggest punk and failure because I couldn’t navigate through it.
  2. I felt isolated and therefore didn’t speak up to others not even my fiance at points throughout
  3. I had no support because especially in the black community black folks always talk that you gon be aight, go pray talk when real life ish is happening that takes prayer and action.
  4. I remember my mother in law being a huge trigger for me not because of her being mean but because of her personality and me not being strong enough to handle life at that time.
  5. Postpartum is real.  It should be discussed without shame
  6. I still reach out to moms and new moms in my circle because suffering in silence is unacceptable
  7. Please show love to a mom and be understanding.
  8. Phrases of get over it, you need to go somewhere and rest, it ain’t that deep, or you just need to get it together will NOT help a mom going through postpartum
  9. Sometimes medicine is necessary
  10. Postpartum is not a weakness.  Our bodies go through it during pregnancy and birth and its going to take some time to get through this new life.
  11. I do NOT allow people to make jokes of it.  It’s not funny.

 

Blackish did their thing on that episode capturing what its like.  I cursed almost exactly the same time I felt like Rainbow should have-watch it and you will see why.  Blackish definitely made sure all of the pure emotion of what it’s like to go through postpartum was like.  When I went through it, I felt like I couldn’t connect to my son.  I felt like because I had more support with my oldest that when it came to my son I was doomed.  I cried all the time. I blew up all the time.  I was in rage a lot of the time. I threatened to call the police on my fiance many times.  I had friends who saw me going through and talked about me like a dog instead of offering help.  I had family who gave me the eye when they found out, BUT I got through it all.  This very blog was created after I healed from that experience. It made me more aware of what I was capable of going through at the birth of my last daughter.  It made me stronger in the end.  It also is a good look for dads too.  They need support. They need to know how to approach the conversation and how to support themselves, their families and their ladies as they navigate through all of the emotions good and bad that pregnancy and childbirth brings.

 

Here is more information about Postpartum

This episode regardless of the title of the show (I know it offends some right off the bat) is a MUST see for all!

Weekly Recap: June 2, 2017

Happy national donut day!! I had one and I mean only one donut and couldn’t really eat much of anything else.  I forced myself to have a healthy lunch because that donut was definitely a lot of empty carbs.  Well I hope you all had a good week.  We are coming off a 4 day weekend some of us anyway from Memorial Day.  I hope you had a great holiday weekend.  We celebrated my daughter’s birthday and had a really good weekend.  No complaints.  So as far as this short week it has definitely been filled with a lot of ups and downs.  So let’s get into it.

Personal Highs/Personal Lows

This week I am going to put these two categories together.  There is a lot going on and I told you lovelies I would update you.  One we had a great time celebrating my now 8-year-old.  Time is flying when you’re having fun right?  We are also gearing up for my son’s preschool graduation. I know some people make a big deal that these types of graduations are pointless but it just gives the little people something to look forward to. I personally feel like celebrations are what makes life great.  Those who know me know I will make his day special.  That’s what I do.  I feel like life is about making memories that they can look back on.  It’s better than buying a bunch of material things.

Also this week I have been vigilant with my doctors to get me an answer.  I have been suffering with migraines for quite some time.  I am also anemic.  However with the new diet my doctor made sure I had all of the supplements that one would need and I increased all of the iron enriched foods so you would think I was good right?  Wrong.  I am not.  My doctors and I have decided that it was time to get a hysterectomy.  I know for some they get it done when they have fibroids.  I do not have them.  I am losing too much blood.  My blood volumes and levels are one step to more transfusions.  For some they would say, why not start a pill that would decrease your period. However the thing is that I have already done that.  I have been on pills off and on.  I got my tubes tied when I had my 3rd and last child.  I know some would say why put this out there?  One its MY BODY and my page.  Secondly being a woman going through women issues is not a place of shame and I refuse to hide like I did something wrong.  That is pure craziness.  Why would I keep it hush-hush when there are millions of women like me going through the same thing.

I am no wonder. I won’t be the first or the last.  Ladies my decision was about what was best for me.  I have to do what I need to do for ME.  Was my husband there? Absolutely.  I know my decision will have an affect temporarily on my home but I had to do what was best for me.  No need to lose this weight, do all of this work and still be underlying unhealthy.  That is sheer madness.  I know what I need to do and I know what can happen if I don’t.  I love me and I need to be here as well as I have little people who need to have a healthy mom.  So with that in mind in the next week that is what I will be doing.  Have I researched all of the options?  Absolutely. This has been an ongoing back and forth thing.  I am prepared for the steps after.  I do NOT claim to know it all. However I am fully aware that the steps towards self-love will help me through the down side of this procedure.  So with MY family’s support we will be fine.  I have learned to tune out some of the naysayers.  They will say don’t let them take nothing out. Meanwhile I can’t count on them to watch my kids when I am somewhere bleeding out.  I can’t slide them a bill when I am off of work and missing time off.  I can’t count on them to pick up a phone call to say how is it going.  You see that was a free nugget right?  I refuse to give folks who show you they are more concerned with their bottom line than mine make my health decisions.  Got to keep pushing towards what will work for me and the ones that have to live through all of this.

So with that in mind you may see an increase in blogs.  I will have more down time. Whenever I have downtime, I write and I read so be on the look out. I plan to blog the hell out of this situation.  Not to get sympathy. I am one strong cookie.  But to raise awareness.  My heart goes out to the women who are medically forced to make this decision and desire to have children and can’t.  I have 3 kids and already put in place the parimeters not to have more already.  There is no child birth loss for me.  So for the ladies with this loss, it is a loss.  I researched this and I find comfort in reading other blogs of women who have gone through this.  And with life we are all connected.  Keep me in prayer and stay logged on twitter (toitiemblog) and facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/toitimeladies/) as I will update.

News

  1. Kathy Griffin out here with a replica of Donald Trump being beheaded and it has set off this major storm on insensitivity.  I think for me and this is where MY opinion comes off.  It was a bit much.  However if the same ones were upset when the nooses was being shown with imagery of Obama was shown and not because he is Black alone but on the principle of right and wrong than okay.  If not than you just being extra.  What people don’t get is that your argument is more valid when it’s based on principle.  Meaning you would extend the same sympathy to another like you want it done for your favorite than you have merit.
  2. Ireland will have its first openly gay prime minister after Leo Varadkar was elected into the office.
  3. Withdraw of Paris climate agreement.
  4. Continuation of the Russian influence of the election.  Continue to stand by for breaking news of this ongoing legal battle.

So I pray you all enjoy your weekend.  There are some good movies. I saw Wonder Woman and as I thought without giving things away, I walked away feeling great about being a woman.  I may see it again if you’re looking for a quick should you go or not-there you go.  I am taking the kids to see Captain Underpants tonight.  Summer movies are really heating up.  I plan on some me time and I have to work.  So find an activity that you enjoy and make yourself feel like the beautiful gem that you are.

 

My littlest almost killed me…

So not really.  She actually had nothing to do with it.  I am ready to share my birth story of my youngest.  She will be 3 tomorrow.  I and my husband was not planning on having another one.  It depends on who you ask but I wanted to get my tubes tied and once I made the appointment what I didn’t do was protect myself until the tube tying process took place.  None of our kids were planned.  Not one. With that being said, not one came in with this beautiful story of love and acceptance from the beginning.  Let me explain what I mean by that before all the moms of the world come at me.  When you have the notion to plan your children, it’s an expecting welcoming.  When you don’t you have to get to a place of acceptance.  For me legitimately it wasn’t as easy as the text books make it sound. I love and had love for them, how could I not, but it took a hot minute for me to accept that the baby was coming and to embrace what I was mentally and emotionally dealing with.  I know my moms understand what I mean.  Having kids is no easy task.  Thinking about the pain, the stress, and just being protective over this baby from the time you find out until your life or theirs end is a LOT.

So as I began to accept that a new baby was on its way, my stress level went up.  I started having migraines.  They were debilitating.  I went to work everyday in spite of being in the worst possible pain.  Then one day my boss was talking to me and I stopped him and walked away.  I was saying to myself what in the holy world did you do?  I was smart with it when I said it but I didn’t mean any harm by it.  I went to the bathroom and I am in there crying hysterically.  No one knew I was in there so I had to get myself up and get back to the office. I got back and I looked dark, I felt dark and I called my husband and told him please take me straight to the hospital.  I get there and they hook me up to the monitors.  I fell asleep after monitoring my baby and finding out she was okay.  I woke up it was 735pm and I had been in the hospital since 11am. I don’t remember what doctors or nurses had been in their to check on me.  When I woke up and realized what time it was I knew they were going to keep me.  If they thought I could have medication and go home surely I would be home by then. The doctor came in and her face was flushed.  So I started crying off the bat. Here I had a blood clot in my left lower brain.  I was devastated.  My husband came as I heard the news and I couldn’t even think.

As I was admitted and several neurologist came in, my life changed at that moment.  I would have to take Lovenox via injections two times a day. I hate needles.  Like me and needles could never go together.  I thought, I would have to stop working,  but I didn’t. After a few days and some rest at home I was back at work.  The issue now is that I have to get my blood drawn every 2 days to make sure I am in the levels I need to be to be safe. This was the most irritating thing in the world.  I had to keep going back to the pharmacy getting new shots every time the range was wrong.  I did this a few tines a week.  All the while, my little bit was perfectly fine and baking.  Back and forth I was in the hospital.  I made up in my mind this was the last child.  I made the decision for me.  Even if my husband had disagreed and he didn’t I wasn’t having a child by any man, science, or immaculate conception. Team NO MORE BABIES was in full effect.  It wasn’t my babies fault but my pregnancies haven’t been easy and I personally am done with being pregnant.

As we got close to full term, I had to meet with a specialized team of surgeons.  All 3 of my kids were C-section births.  I couldn’t just plop into the hospital to have her with a blood clot in my brain.  No ma’am.  We set the date for February 17th.  I knew when and what time.  The day before I had to stop my Lovenox at the right time.  They ran extra tests but then there was an emergency that came ahead of me and I could pushed back. So as my husband and parents there we had to wait.  They wheeled me in and surgery went well.  I had to have blood on stand by.  Shout out to my special donor.  He drove from Lebanon PA to Philadelphia to make sure I would be okay.  Right after her birth everything seemed fine, until after recovery.  I get to my room, my husband, kids, and mother in law are there and they check me to make sure all was well.  Well, it wasn’t.  They made everyone leave my room, the doctor stabbed me in my leg with drugs, and reached her hand in and pulled out this almost baby sized blood clot.  The worst of what we feared had happened.  They got me stable and I went on with all the newborn baby stuff.  A day later I went to take a shower and I felt this pain like labor.  I pull on the cord, staff came in running, another baby sized blood clot and they repeat what they did the day before.  So back on my Lovenox to make sure I was safe.

Discharge day was great.  I thought the worst had passed.  I get home and I am getting comfortable. Some family came over to visit.  My son is super excited to see me, he’s about 2 at this point.  He jumps on top of my belly before we could catch him, I said I had a C-section.  I scream out in pain.  I tell my husband please take me and the new baby upstairs. I get in the bed and I felt a pop.  It was the worst thing I could have ever felt.  I blacked out. I blacked out several times.  My husband called the ambulance although I asked him not to.  Had he not I wouldn’t even be here writing this.  I wake up to see this tall, strong, sexy man holding me who is not my husband.  I am like hi, who are you?  It was a fire fighter.  I am like lord I am in pain, you ain’t got time to admire this man but hey I am human right? So enough of looking at this stranger and its off to the hospital.

Back to blacking out I get to the hospital and they already know about me.  I was the most riskiest patient on the floor.  I was the whitest black woman they had ever seen and my doctor told me.  I had lost a lot of blood and had internal bleeding but the issue is they can’t do surgery because with this blood clot I could bleed out and die.  I had to wait.  So they made me comfortable and after a few hours I began blood transfusions.  My husband had to take care of all 3 kids including a breastfed newborn on his own.  I am going through the worst pain in life, holding onto life, and worrying about feeding my daughter.  I had the best nurses, they would actually pump my breast for me so my child could get what she needed.  I was in the hospital for over a week.  I am just super glad to be alive.

I was still under a doctor’s watchful eye for about 6 months following that encounter.  I still get migraines and when I do it’s an immediate call to my doctor.  The blood clot hasn’t gotten bigger or disappeared so its something I have to always be aware.  I breastfed this little girl and took her to work everyday for 6 months.  Yes to work with me.  I handled an office, clients, and nursed a newborn without missing a beat.  Then at 6 months we put her in daycare with her brother and she won’t drink from a bottle.  I had made enough milk for her but she wouldn’t drink.  It got bad that we had to give her diluted apple juice until I got home.  When it began apparent with no matter what we did, I had to temporarily work from home.  She kept nursing until a little after 2.  I prayed and asked God to help me wean her.  On tv, it always looks so easy but in real life it wasn’t at all. She has progressed well.  The only issue is that after my husband had been home with her right after birth when we came home she wouldn’t go to him or anyone else.  I mean no one.  You could hold her for tops 5 minutes.  She was a mommy’s girl.  Now a days, she’s a daddy’s girl and I am still struggling with that.  I wanted her and still want her to be more independent and trust and believe shes’ getting there but I do miss the snuggle days.

Noelle is a ball of fire.  She gives the best side eyes.  She has attitude and if she doesn’t like she doesn’t act fake.  She just walks off like she didn’t hear you but she does.  She is lovable.  She has the sweetest face in the world and knows you know she is cute.  She is our little love bug and we are happy that we have gotten through these challenges.  The best thing I got out of the whole thing was a feisty, beautiful, and intelligent little girl.  She is the last thing our family needed and we didn’t know we did.  I love that little munchkin and I almost gave my life for her.  So happy 3rd birthday to my little noodle, Noelle.

Mommy Loves You Notes

So I get it when your child goes off to the land of education there are far more things to be worried about other than their education.  In this day and age you have to make sure you tell and teach your children what to do in case of a crisis.  You have to worry about if their being bullied.  You have to worry if they are in a position where another child or even teacher isn’t breaking them down mentally to where they aren’t attempting to harm themselves or others.  Whew.  It’s too much.  These are some of the things that when I was in school, I just didn’t have to worry to much about.  So with that being said, let’s fast forward to my daughter.  I am making her after school snack, and as usual I write mommy loves you on the front.  No big deal right?  Absolutely. I try to write this note on every last after school bag.  Sometimes if she makes her snacks herself, I add a little treat that she finds with a note. I’ve been doing this since Kindergarten.

My daughter says mommy can you sign your name on the bag?! I signed it not thinking of it. I finally asked her why.  So when she told me that the kids in her class think she is writing her own notes and that there’s no way her mom could love her, I got mad.  I know my response should have been off the cuff in a loving manner and deal with my daughter and I did after my first 5 second reaction which was pissed.  How dare some child think that as sweet as my child is that her mother wouldn’t love her enough to say I love you to her daily.  Then as I went into parent mode to love on her, I reminder her that she is too lovable for me not to write I love you everyday.  She smiled.  I felt like I had won.  However I further explained to my daughter that some parents may forget to give these little reminders to their kids. I told her that some households have a lot going on but in our households above making sure they have what they need, the most important need is showing love.

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Now let me be clear before the pitch forks of parents start rolling into my inbox, my letters to my child or the notes on her snack bag doesn’t mean I love mine any more than yours. It means that is MY way to be able to show her love and she looks forward to my messages. The message I needed to make clear with my child is that she is loved in this way and there are some homes who don’t take the time to show love. That is a fact.  You don’t have to like my fact but if you are bothered by it, than step up and do what’s best in your home. Far too many times we exchange gifts and electronics as means of love when reality is some kids are dying for a hug, a kiss, or just a few minutes of your time.  I am no where a perfect parent but it doesn’t matter if I will be late to spend a few minutes in prayer with my kids.  I make sure that above all that before they leave me that any issues had our squashed.  You know why?  How many children have to leave their home and never return where parents say I wish I had said I love you.  Now that my daughter is of school age, my stress is always up every time she goes to school.  I need her to know that I love her, I am here for her and her siblings, and that if anything should go down that her last impression of me is love.  It doesn’t matter if there will be times when she doesn’t like me, I love her and she will know it.

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Listen every mother has a birth story for every last child, but my life has literally been on the line for my children and I have gotten every dramatic life altering thing possible during my pregnancies.  I loved them before I even met them.  I want them to know that above any thing I ever do or give them.  I don’t know what the future holds for my children, but they have to know that there is someone in this world that loves them unconditionally.  I and her father will be that to them.  Now for other parents, aunts, grandparents, friends, etc. reading this blog. Let’s do better.  As much as I want to say that the child or children who made the comment are off as 2 left shoes, the real issue is that the child or children are growing up in homes where this seems abnormal.  Even if it’s not in cute notes, please make sure that the people who you raise, help raise or influence KNOW that they are loved.  They should see the manifestation of that love in more than your responsibility to them.  Yes you have to work, sometimes under paid and deal with the most ugliest of adults in how their spirit and mouths are towards others, but it cost nothing to give an extra hug. Please show kindness so our children can see this around them.  I am reading too many stories of kids killing themselves and they aren’t even out of elementary school.  We aren’t doing enough to surround our kids with affirmations.  I know we are busy.  I am busy.  I however pledge to make a difference in the lives of the 3 that call me mom. I would rather what I want to take a back seat so that they aren’t on some couch of a therapist over some stuff I did or didn’t do for them.  I want them to be sound individuals who know what love loves like and what it feels like.

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Please increase love and how you show love in your homes.  Our children are hungry for the affirmation.

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You having a boy?

Ladies, ladies, ladies, this is one of those questions that if you are expecting a bundle of joy you semi welcome.  Not when you step on the scale at the doctors and they tell you lost a total of 12 pounds and you been working hard to get it right is that question ever okay.

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For me unless it’s a woman who I know for sure is pregnant I don’t ask.  I consider it to be rude.  I don’t know what the struggle of that woman may be going through.  She could have gained weight and is struggling to conceive.  She could not want kids at all.  Another woman’s uterus is not my concern.  So today I am grabbing a few snacks and that is the question I am faced with.  IF you ever been around me you know my face speaks before my mouth does and I am sure that I gave the questioning woman the grizzly.  I said I have a son he’s 5.  She attempted to look off.  I said my youngest is 2 and I am working hard to get to my pre-pregnancy weight.  She looked off because she and I both know she looks dumb as hell right now. My issue with her is she sees me daily.  Did I get pregnant overnight? You just saw me and said I looked trim yesterday in my outfit but today I am pregnant?

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I ain’t even gonna front, I was humiliated and hurt.  Like WTF?!  Yeah I said it and I am sure you ladies who have been on the receiving end of that said it too.  Like wait I will have to wait until I am Instagram model ready to be considered snatched.  I am doing this on my own with the help of my gym and doctor.  I have no personal chef but have switched up my eating habits and choices.  I have no personal trainer either but I don’t let up and make sure I am consistent.  Even now typing I feel like I have to justify my size when actuality I have climbed out from where I was to where I am now.  I am more confident but even with confidence dripping off of me I wanted to crawl into a hole at the moment she wanted to know if I was having a boy.  Do you get what she was asking me.  Not only am I pregnant but I look pregnant enough for someone to guess the sex of this imaginary baby?! Oh Sweet Jesus what in the world?  I haven’t been a size 2 since my days at Penn State.  I have 3 kids all from c-section and no multiple births.  I am a healthy size 10 and I am okay with that.

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I really need some people to think before you speak.  Pushing things on folks that do not exist can really set them back.  Let’s be clear we all have our things we need to work on so let’s be more gentle with others around us.

We survived 7 Years of Parenting

On May 26, 2009 I was in a room with my parents and the doctors as my mom basically had to nudge me into making the decision to have a C-section.  I had my best friend, my boyfriend at the time (now husband), and family supporting the decision as well.  So at 11pm my oldest joy Naila was born.  I was told a lot of information. I was suffering from preeclampsia and my blood pressure was completely unstable.  It was at the point where I should have started to have seizures but I didn’t.  My mom kept saying to them they had to do something as the skin on my body began to get darker and darker.They warned me that Naila might have to be put on a ventilator to breath.  They warned me she would spend weeks at the NICU. However on May 26 a screaming, feisty little baby girl was born. She kept taking the nurses finger to eat, she was doing nothing of what they stated she would at 6 weeks premature.  I on the other hand had a lot of recovery to do.

After a week in NICU, I who had left after 4 days was able to take my little baby girl home. That’s when life really began.  It was an up and down struggle. Although she had surpassed the odds she still had asthma.  She also had febrile seizures. The first time she had one she went limb and turned blue.  I was by myself in the house and called 911 scared that I couldn’t keep her alive until help came. I did CPR on her myself and kept her stable. They pulled her from my arms and I clasped in the ambulance.  I didn’t know what was going to happen to her, but she made it. She had more occurrences like this one. I remember my mom crying next to me when she did it in her presence and the same with my mother in law. Both of them hadn’t seen anything like that and felt helpless. During her 1st year our little girl was in the hospital at least 10 times for several things.  It got so bad I learned to keep a suitcase in my trunk.  I could look at her and knew I wouldn’t be able to stay at work all day. She would be admitted. No parent should have the ability to diagnose a child but I knew.  I got stronger in how to deal with her. I knew what to look for and after a while I knew I could give her CPR.  It wasn’t that I dismissed my feelings but I learned how to suppress them until she got the help she needed. I didn’t fall apart because I knew the routine.  Naila being sick affected my job.  I wasn’t even there full time during her sickest days.  If I worked 30 hours that was a win.  So when they downsized of course they added me to the list.  I was devastated.  I didn’t say much to anyone.  I went home with a severance package in hand and cried before I picked up Naila from daycare.  I looked at her and said what was I going to do with no job and a sick baby.  I didn’t qualify for assistance so I literally had to fight this.  With the support of my fiance since he just popped the question the work before made the decision to move to Philadelphia.  Up until this point we were raising her from two different homes.  If you want to know how that transition was read my blog, 5 years down.

Fast forward to present time.  Naila is one of the most sweetest little girls ever. I say that because I am biased and because she is.  Naila is one of the ones that loves everyone.  I literally have to watch her more than any other of my children when we are out because she has such a soft heart for people.  She definitely didn’t get that from me.  I spend too much people watching and discerning for the both of us.  Naila is progressing well in school.  She is a joy to be around.  She has been the reason I have had to learn some of my most toughest moments.  She taught me to be stronger than I thought I could.  She taught me to get help when I need it and not only in medical situations.  She teaches me forgiveness. I’m still working on that one.  My daughter has a high tolerance for things I didn’t have at her age.  She has taught me to smile and be happy.  Everyone of my friends and family will say that about her.  She always says OKAY.  She goes with the flow and she’s very artistic.  This blog was created originally from a place of pain and an outlet because I knew I had to get it right to have the ability to parent her better.  Her attitude in life won’t allow me to be rough with her, to take life for granted, or to not accomplish my own goals.  She is my mini me but a much better version.  She has her own ways about her and I and her dad are super proud of her.  Happy Birthday to mommy and daddy’ little gummy bear, Naila!!!

So we survived 7 years of parenting this joy.  Outside of her health issues she is a good child.  She didn’t give us any issues with behavior.  She could go with anyone so having anyone willing to keep her or babysit her has never been an issue.  She is just a great little girl.  In school we have surrounded her with the things she needs as she continues to become a better student.  Naila is one of those little girls that you can just have fun with and she is happy just for spending time with you.  We survived parenting from 2 different homes. We survived parenting in inlaws’ home. We survived medical emergencies. We survived my postpartum. We survived the stay at home blues. We survived so much and so much more on the horizon and we will do the same, survive.

PS. In case you were wondering she’s healthy and strong no sign of ever being premature mentally or physically and controlled asthma and no more seizures now ain’t that something to be happy about?!  Today we plan on waking her up with nothing but the princess treatment. She will have nothing but love and happiness and all of the things that makes her smile.  She should right? 7 is major in our house, matter of fact every year is.  Birthdays are a big deal!! Birthdays for little girls named Naila is an even bigger deal!!

 

Difficult Journeys, Bigger Rewards!

I hope today finds you in peace.  Let me speak on my personal journey that I experienced.  I just celebrated my youngest daughter’s 2nd birthday.  It was a great day for her.  She was so happy to tell anyone she saw that she’s 22222222.  Yes the joy in her eyes made my bad day at work almost melt away.  I looked at her and realized that the journey to get her here on Earth wasn’t in vain.

2 years ago I found out that I was going to be a mom for the third time.  I wasn’t necessarily excited.  I had 2 other children and the timing wasn’t something that made me leap with excitement.  As the pregnancy progressed I got excited especially when I found out my baby was another girl.  I was like okay I can do this, we can do this.  As time progressed it became apparent that something wasn’t right.  I went into work and my boss was talking to me and his voice seemed to be almost unbearable.  My boss was generally a medium speaking person and it wasn’t an issue before.  That day I felt like i was going to pass out.  I immediately called my husband and we went to the doctor.  He stayed with me as they monitored me and I thought well they will give me something for pain, let me rest, and send me home.  I was wrong.

They had decided to do a MRI.  When I woke up I didn’t realize that  almost 5 hours had passed.  I went in and it was morning and now night had fallen.  The doctors had been scurrying around while I was sleep to find a treatment plan.  I had no idea my life was about to change.  I was told that I had a large blood clot in my brain and that I was being admitted.  I went from peace to scared.  The only thing I thought about was if my daughter was okay and would she have to be born early.  I already had my oldest who was a preemie and I knew that if they had to go that route that I had to calm down and accept it.  They told me that she was perfectly fine and that the issue was keeping me healthy.  I was in the hospital for another 5 days.  I had to be put on blood thinners.  If you ever have been on them especially the ones I was on where I had to give myself a shot 2 times a day you know that you have to be very careful.

My appointments went from once a month to weekly. I had to get my “levels” in range.  So that meant that I had my shots changed sometimes 2 times a day before it would stabilize.  I also had to get blood drawn 2 times a week.  It was a lot.  I tried everything I could to stay positive.  Any time I had a headache I was rushed back to the doctors.  It was a never ending battle.  They decided that my my daughter’s birth was going to be a C-section since the other 2 had been before and it was going to be scheduled.  It had to be down to the minutes correct since C-Sections can cause a lot of blood lost.  I had a neurologist and extra staff in my delivery room.  On February 17 a beautiful feisty baby had been born.  She was everything I could imagine and more.  She latched on perfectly it was as if all the cares had ended, but again I was wrong.

Hours after having her I had passed a large blood clot.  They made my husband and family leave the room, a nurse stabbed me with morphine as another doctor took their hand and well you get the picture.  It was the worst.  They told me I should be okay.  I wasn’t.  1 day later the same thing happened while I was in the shower.  I left finally and still had to continue my blood thinner regiment.  My son was so excited to see me and after a long 2 days in the hospital I was happy to see my kidlets.  My son jumped on my belly.  Let me remind you I had a c-section and all the other issues and blood lost.  I immediately almost tossed my newborn to my husband and fell in pain.  I cried like the biggest baby ever.  The pain was that bad. I asked my husband to take me upstairs and I would be fine but I wasn’t. I felt a pop and then the pain came and I blacked in and out. I was being transported to the hospital again.  I was told by the doctors that I was the whitest black girl they had ever seen. I had no color and I had internal bleeding but they couldn’t go in and do surgery because I had to wait 12 hours to allow the blood thinners time to wear off or I would bleed to death.  I ended up having 2 blood transfusions and another week stay at the hospital. When I tell you that it was the most dramatic birth experience I had ever had take my word for it.

The flood of emotions that came to me looking at this little joys face yesterday made me grateful.  I was happy to know that through it all she had remained happy and healthy. She was untouched by all the things that had happened to me.  All she knows now is shes 2 and shes loved.  She is a fire cracker but how did I expect her not to be?  I’m grateful for my story, her story and our story.  I’m grateful for the hand of God on my life as well as the doctors, and my angel I’ll call him my sunshine that donated blood specifically for my recovery.  I’m happy to be in the land of the living.  With all that I have going on in my life I will never take for granted that life is worth the push and worth the sacrifice.  If you are having some sort of difficulty know that it will end.  It will get better. Take a deep breath and handle it.  You are more than enough and you have what it takes to make it out of it all.

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