Surgery update 2.0

So thank you to all who tuned into my first update. I have read your messages and trust me I can feel the love and support. It’s love and support that gets most surgery patients of any kind through.

Since my first update I have gone back to the doctor. He has found a few things. One they did the pathology and concluded there was no cancer. Can we say amen?! However what he did discover is that one I had a few fibroids that I wasn’t aware and never showed up on any ultrasound I have ever had. Another issue is that my uterus would hemorrhage every time I would have my cycle. So when I would have a period I would bleed out and internally as well.  So that would explain why I was having blood issues and couldn’t figure out after I had done all the lifestyle changes it was still messed up.

These are issues that my Obgyn before him didn’t push and I being my own advocate didn’t until 2017 and I was determined to end all of these issues. So to my ladies or to the men who have special women in your lives push them to take their feminine health very seriously. This could be the wake up call. If something doesn’t add up as it didn’t when I changed, I refused to leave until we figured it out. That is how we came to my personal and medical choice to have a hysterectomy. I’m not saying run out and get it done but for someone who was in my health crisis and already had her tubes tied this is what was best for me.

So he of course encouraged me to work out. I have no problem with that except it ain’t going down until I am no longer in pain to the touch. I am not doing the most during this healing time. He has encouraged me to walk 3 times a week for 30 minutes and that’s more doable than straight workouts. I am still managing pain. So one goal at a time.

He has me on hormone replacement therapy (HRT).  For me the choice was in the form of a patch. I absolutely hate taking pills. Plus with the patch it’s the lowest dose possible.  I like the idea of that. The second I put it on I could feel the medicine. Not like some time warp machine type of feel but like a slight rush of medicine.  My hopes is that it will stop my hot flashes and night sweats.


The pain has become more manageable in the last few days. I have switched over to full Motrin.  I am more comfortable with that as I do not like the way that Percocet makes me feel.  I am hoping to have less pain and begin to get back to my normal life. In the meantime I am enjoying my husband and kids make sure I am good. It’s almost like when I was pregnant except without the lifetime responsibility of a child in the end.

I have driven since my doctor has allowed me to. It’s not something I want or will just do to do. I’m talking about a few minutes from the house type of driving.  Again my pain levels need to be better before I drive off into the sunset.

A few more things I am noticing:

1. I was about to schedule a pap when I thought wait, I don’t need to come back to see my doctor for a year. This will take getting used to because my yearly appointments are usually made in July.

2. Mood swings are less right now.  I don’t feel that rush of emotions that takes place as my cycle would be normally about to start. Ladies you know right well what I mean.  I did cry when I dropped my frozen coffee but I think I would have done the same without the surgery. If you have had one from Dunkin you know how amazing they are. No I’m not cheating on Starbucks but there isn’t a close one around me like it was near my job.

3. I have a lot of sanitary pads that I will be giving away to family. I don’t need them and no need to have a bunch not being used.

4. During this process my kids haven’t been able to be super close to me. The one affected the most is my 3 -year-old is struggling with the most. She is used to snuggling every night. She has asked me when this is over? If you remember in my birth story of my 3 year old, my son who was barely 2 at the time jumped on my belly when I had her. This was after my c-section. I was in the hospital and the now 3 year old was with her dad until I recovered. Once home she wouldn’t go to anyone including her dad. She is super close to me especially at night but to avoid another internal bleed we kept the kids at bay.

5. It’s much harder to parent from the bed or from the chair.  I am used to doing it all and working full-time. However my husband has had to step up. So now I can’t say a thing about what he is doing even though I want to. Right now my vote isn’t a veto but it is more silent.

6. Sleep. I haven’t slept this much in a long time. My mom told me sleep was the best way to heal. I get up and get cleaned up and walk around but other than that I have yet to be up a full day. Sleep is my new bestie. I am getting okay with that.


7. Phone calls-they have been limited to my family. I have texted more to my close friends. The reason is I’m not used to having free time to talk. Before all of this I wasn’t one to be on the line outside of my husband and mom.  Now I have time to be and everyone is doing their normal things and I’m okay with the lack of calls.

8. Hair I haven’t seen hair falling out and I pray I don’t. I have researched that some people’s hair thins out. If it should happen I’ll update but now it’s still curly and thick as it was when I went to have my surgery.

9. Stomach-ladies if you ever had a baby and remember leaving with that bulging baby belly that irritates you that is what I am working with. Again with several cuts on my upper belly, and all the work below that it is still tender and very bloated.  So ice packs and warm compresses have been helping.  So loose clothing works. Since I lost weight it’s been shorts and a t-shirt type of life.  I’m not going places. Other than that I use my night-gown shirts that my girlfriend sent me. No need to have anything touching me if I don’t have to.


10. I have lost about 5 pounds even with my extended swollen belly. So yay for that. The one thing my husband said the day after surgery is that I looked skinnier and my doctor said the same thing when I saw him the other day. So win for me!

Let me continue to give a shout out to my husband for all he’s done. For all of the food runs and hand holding. Listen I have wanted to do more and he’s given me the side eye like you better lay there and no get up for stuff you don’t need. So I don’t. I’m grateful that he has gotten me just about whatever I have wanted and has ignored me when I say I don’t need medicine.

The recovery time for this surgery is 2-8 weeks. So I will see how long it takes me. Every woman is different and how their bodies reacts is different. However for basic recovery that is the standard and it’s really around 6-8 weeks to be honest. The same as when you have a child. And to be totally healed like when you have kids can take more around a year to really know where you are.  We tend to rush back to life and most like me, work is calling and life doesn’t just sit and deactivate just because you have had surgery.

One of the biggest pieces of advice I have gotten from women from different walks of life who have been through this is that you will immediately feel better but take the time to heal. Feeling better and being better takes time.

Surgery update 

So today is Tuesday June 20, 2017 and it’s 4 days post hysterectomy surgery. How I am doing is mixed with a lot of emotions.

For one, I have gotten an infection from the surgery. Ugh. Like my mom would say anything that can happen would happen to me. It’s true. I had high fevers the day after the surgery. Now my surgery was done laparoscopic so I have several smaller cuts going across the upper part of my belly instead of one large cut on my belly. This is to be less invasive and because I have had 3 c-sections, gall bladder and an appendix removed. With all of these surgeries the goal was to go in without having to open me all the way up.

So first day post same day surgery I was a total mess. I went in super positive and laughing with every person who had contact with me.  By the time it was over, I felt like the step sister and I wasn’t as cheerful. I even forgot where I was and why I was there but I’m going to blame that on the power of anesthesia. Once my husband and I reunited I had to sit a lot longer to allow the effects of the anesthesia to get out of my system. Finally it’s time to go. I’m mad at this point because the pain has set in and I realize that I will have to walk.

I slept the whole ride home and into bed I went. Thankful for my husband who did everything to keep me comfortable. Day 2 was hard. I had to get out and after a full night of sleep off and on I was in pain and sore. But I managed.  Between my kids who were kept feet away from me and Snapchat I got through it.  I kept having high fevers since day 2 and by day 3 was put on antibiotics. 

Now to day 4 things are going a little smoother except for the fevers and on my left side is super red and sore which is letting me know the infection isn’t clearing up. I am allergic to penicillin so my choices are limited. I will be seeing the doctors in the morning and I want to avoid hospitalization but at this point if iv meds will work sign me up. 

Here are the things that have happened that some I was prepared and some I wasn’t:

1. Pain. I feel like it’s almost like my c-section minus the left side that is red that hurts the worst. I have switched from narcotics to extra strength Tylenol. Personally I like to wean myself down.  I hate the way they make me feel. As of today I did break down and take the stronger med just because the pain was intense. 

2. Bathroom-healing also means you have to move. Not moving will cause stiffness and more pain. As much as I want to install one of those wheelchairs to get me around the house I know I have to move. So although my bathroom is near my room I now have a hate/love relationship. Oh and not to be too TMI, going to the bathroom is like c-sections where it’s painful because of using your abdominal muscles. 

3. Hot flashes-they are not a myth. I had a full hysterectomy so with that my body was slammed into menopause. I have woken up in hot sweats almost nightly. Thankfully I have had my mini misting fan. It has been my saving grace. I have about 5 flashes a day during the day.  It’s an awful feeling. 

4.Mood Swings-I haven’t noticed any. I’ve been in too much pain to tap into my emotions to be honest. I’m hoping that stays the same. My doctor wants to put me on hormone replacement and I’m looking into holistic methods too.  Either way it would be nice to stay leveled out. 

5. Eating has been moderate. I’m still aware of my Weight Watchers plan. I did have Taco Bell but could barely get through all of it and I didn’t. I enjoyed it and left it at that. For me being so fresh into the plan has made my bad eating habits almost non existent. So I’m grateful for that.

6. Sleep, that’s all I do. I haven’t really gotten into my survival kit too much. The second I say that I am I just end up falling asleep. I got my new Essence magazine and all I have seen of it was the front cover. I’ll get there. I still have some time to heal.  
Overall the pain and fevers is the one thing I was aware could happen but now that I’m in it, I can’t wait for that to be in my past. Once I manage that I can get to the things that make me happy during this new change. I had a bad nightmare the first night home of a lot of guilty feelings I was feeling about no longer being able to have kids. Then I thought even in the dream about how my tubes were already tied and I woke up. I don’t know why that became an issue but talking to other women this is a part of the process!! 

Continue to say prayers and eventually I’ll get better. It hasn’t been a full week so I’m making great progress so far.

Ask Toi: What should I do if someone from my past or new love interest knocks and I’m already connected?!

If you’re already connected and the interested person doesn’t know you need to tell them. If they know but still pushing up than know they just like the chase and want to see if you will take the bait.

As an adult it’s your choice who you are with period. This means even if you just want a one night or one time physical relationship as an adult it’s up to you. Not everyone wants a commitment but be true to yourself. Don’t say you don’t want a commitment in hopes that you can later change a person’s mind. 

If you are already connected either by dating or marriage than you know that the answer is a no for now. With that being said it’s best to thank the person for the interest and move along. In a dating situation boundaries need to be made. You have a boyfriend or girlfriend and you don’t have anything to entertain another person.  If you’re married the boundary was made on your wedding day and you end it. 

The past is the past. It can be a beautiful reminder of what was but it takes a lot to dig the past up, revive it and make it work. Ask anyone including me how much work it takes to date someone from your past.  It’s not super easy.  It’s never a good idea to open the door to a past or new interest because if you do it says more about you than the person knocking. People don’t realize that a person who will cheat or entertain someone else but expect loyalty from the person they were originally connected to shows they have NO loyalty at all. You want what you can’t or won’t give. This goes for men and women. So if you’re connected say thanks, nice talking to you, and seal the door of communication. 

Let me guess you can handle it right? Wrong. You start catching up. Then you exchange emails at first, then phone numbers, than social media and now you can’t get this person off your mind.  You absolutely not giving the person you were connected to any of your valuable time because your sharing space with someone else. Now if your just dating and no commitment with anyone than that’s your right. However don’t mess over another individual while taking space with another while connected or committed to a person. You might lose on both relationships. 

Mid Week Recap: June 7, 2017

Since the days have been a little crazy and I haven’t blogged in a few days I figured why not today?  So if you read my last recap than you know that I am preparing my house and myself for my hysterectomy.  I figured since I have now had my gall bladder and appendix removed and outside of child-birth would be done with surgeries, but I am not. As I handle the logistics like meal prepping, laundry and cleaning (as if that will ever be done) my mind is all over the place.

Another issue that has come up is that I had to get a mammogram.  I have never done it before until yesterday’s appointment.  Let me dispel all of the horror stories and say that it isn’t life changing in the fact that you hurt so bad you can’t think.  It is uncomfortable. It feels what ladies feel at the first few days of your menstrual when you are sore.  It was painless and didn’t take long.  I was pretty optimistic that things would go well until I got the results 30 or so minutes later and now I have to go back next week and have the procedure redone.  Now before I allowed my mind to take me there with a grandmother and mother who have had their dance with breast cancer, the technician warned me since it was my first time I most likely would be called back.  The reason is simple, there are no images to compare if there really is something wrong.  So next week I will be back.  Until there is a reason to worry I won’t.

One of the things I can’t stress enough is for ladies, please do monthly self breast exams. They are yours-touch them and make sure all is well.  Breast cancer is devastating but what’s more devastating is having a line of defense to feel when something isn’t right but not use it.  Be vigilant about your reproductive health as well.  There aren’t a lot of do overs in the reproductive world.  You need to care about yourself enough to check yourself.

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So in the next week things are going to get crazy.  My kids will be starting camp and finishing their last week of school.  I will have had the surgery and my husband will be the one that the kids run to the most until I heal.  I am okay with it.  I have talked to many women that have all suggested a few things and one of the top things that all of them have stated was to be good to myself during this process.  It’s a bit nerve-racking when I think and wonder if I will have to do hormone therapy and how that will affect me and my family mostly.  I will be talking to the doctor about that in-depth.

Emotionally one of the things that I have felt was like wait I really can’t have anymore kids.  It went away but it was a bit overwhelming.  It wasn’t something I felt when I got my tubes tied after my 3rd child.  I had no sadness in me until I found out about this hysterectomy.  I can’t explain it but I know that other women have gone through it. It was like I was at a funeral.  You know me and funerals never get along.  So after about 15 minutes of this semi despair feeling I was okay. I got myself together.  I was able to move on.

On a happier and lighter note, my son, my bubs graduates from preschool today. If you know me know nothing else I make all celebrations big.  Now don’t get me twisted I am not inviting the masses or throwing a party.  I do things like decorate his room, and just make him feel overall special.  He has picked where he wants to go out to eat, just a day of showing him how super proud of him we are.  He moved from one school to this amazing school and since he has been super happy.  Seeing how unhappy he was before and now is such a relief.  Listen let me say on a side note when you have good kids and they start getting into trouble, do your research.  Find out what is going on.  I noticed with my son he would tell us things and we would ask things and it wasn’t adding up. However what I should have done months ago was moved him.  I felt it inside of me and didn’t act.  I was more concerned with having all 3 kids in different schools.  It’s a lot trust me but his happiness is worth it.  He is smiling everyday at drop off and pick up. He has friends who parents are more geared to how we raise our kids.  That matters trust me.

My job as a parent is to correct him when he needs it and celebrate him always.  We are going to do that.  He is super ready for kindergarten but I am not sure if kindergarten is ready for him!! This beam of light is going to be something amazing and not just because he is my child, but because he is determined to be great! Super congrats MJ!!

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Weekly Recap: June 2, 2017

Happy national donut day!! I had one and I mean only one donut and couldn’t really eat much of anything else.  I forced myself to have a healthy lunch because that donut was definitely a lot of empty carbs.  Well I hope you all had a good week.  We are coming off a 4 day weekend some of us anyway from Memorial Day.  I hope you had a great holiday weekend.  We celebrated my daughter’s birthday and had a really good weekend.  No complaints.  So as far as this short week it has definitely been filled with a lot of ups and downs.  So let’s get into it.

Personal Highs/Personal Lows

This week I am going to put these two categories together.  There is a lot going on and I told you lovelies I would update you.  One we had a great time celebrating my now 8-year-old.  Time is flying when you’re having fun right?  We are also gearing up for my son’s preschool graduation. I know some people make a big deal that these types of graduations are pointless but it just gives the little people something to look forward to. I personally feel like celebrations are what makes life great.  Those who know me know I will make his day special.  That’s what I do.  I feel like life is about making memories that they can look back on.  It’s better than buying a bunch of material things.

Also this week I have been vigilant with my doctors to get me an answer.  I have been suffering with migraines for quite some time.  I am also anemic.  However with the new diet my doctor made sure I had all of the supplements that one would need and I increased all of the iron enriched foods so you would think I was good right?  Wrong.  I am not.  My doctors and I have decided that it was time to get a hysterectomy.  I know for some they get it done when they have fibroids.  I do not have them.  I am losing too much blood.  My blood volumes and levels are one step to more transfusions.  For some they would say, why not start a pill that would decrease your period. However the thing is that I have already done that.  I have been on pills off and on.  I got my tubes tied when I had my 3rd and last child.  I know some would say why put this out there?  One its MY BODY and my page.  Secondly being a woman going through women issues is not a place of shame and I refuse to hide like I did something wrong.  That is pure craziness.  Why would I keep it hush-hush when there are millions of women like me going through the same thing.

I am no wonder. I won’t be the first or the last.  Ladies my decision was about what was best for me.  I have to do what I need to do for ME.  Was my husband there? Absolutely.  I know my decision will have an affect temporarily on my home but I had to do what was best for me.  No need to lose this weight, do all of this work and still be underlying unhealthy.  That is sheer madness.  I know what I need to do and I know what can happen if I don’t.  I love me and I need to be here as well as I have little people who need to have a healthy mom.  So with that in mind in the next week that is what I will be doing.  Have I researched all of the options?  Absolutely. This has been an ongoing back and forth thing.  I am prepared for the steps after.  I do NOT claim to know it all. However I am fully aware that the steps towards self-love will help me through the down side of this procedure.  So with MY family’s support we will be fine.  I have learned to tune out some of the naysayers.  They will say don’t let them take nothing out. Meanwhile I can’t count on them to watch my kids when I am somewhere bleeding out.  I can’t slide them a bill when I am off of work and missing time off.  I can’t count on them to pick up a phone call to say how is it going.  You see that was a free nugget right?  I refuse to give folks who show you they are more concerned with their bottom line than mine make my health decisions.  Got to keep pushing towards what will work for me and the ones that have to live through all of this.

So with that in mind you may see an increase in blogs.  I will have more down time. Whenever I have downtime, I write and I read so be on the look out. I plan to blog the hell out of this situation.  Not to get sympathy. I am one strong cookie.  But to raise awareness.  My heart goes out to the women who are medically forced to make this decision and desire to have children and can’t.  I have 3 kids and already put in place the parimeters not to have more already.  There is no child birth loss for me.  So for the ladies with this loss, it is a loss.  I researched this and I find comfort in reading other blogs of women who have gone through this.  And with life we are all connected.  Keep me in prayer and stay logged on twitter (toitiemblog) and facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/toitimeladies/) as I will update.

News

  1. Kathy Griffin out here with a replica of Donald Trump being beheaded and it has set off this major storm on insensitivity.  I think for me and this is where MY opinion comes off.  It was a bit much.  However if the same ones were upset when the nooses was being shown with imagery of Obama was shown and not because he is Black alone but on the principle of right and wrong than okay.  If not than you just being extra.  What people don’t get is that your argument is more valid when it’s based on principle.  Meaning you would extend the same sympathy to another like you want it done for your favorite than you have merit.
  2. Ireland will have its first openly gay prime minister after Leo Varadkar was elected into the office.
  3. Withdraw of Paris climate agreement.
  4. Continuation of the Russian influence of the election.  Continue to stand by for breaking news of this ongoing legal battle.

So I pray you all enjoy your weekend.  There are some good movies. I saw Wonder Woman and as I thought without giving things away, I walked away feeling great about being a woman.  I may see it again if you’re looking for a quick should you go or not-there you go.  I am taking the kids to see Captain Underpants tonight.  Summer movies are really heating up.  I plan on some me time and I have to work.  So find an activity that you enjoy and make yourself feel like the beautiful gem that you are.

 

When Basics are Celebrated

Please do not get me wrong.  I think anyone doing anything positive is good news.  I love that people are attempting to move past the backward thinking that has seemed to take this world over.  However, can we just be real for about a few seconds?  When basic behavior is like the best thing since sliced bread than we have a problem.

You are in a dating situation the man of your dreams is wining and dining you and pulls your chair out, etc now you are like see my man loves me?  I don’t doubt he does.  In a world where men and no not all men are too busy getting caught up in the negative things, playing video games and no job, making babies with no responsibility this could seem like a breath of fresh air.  However the issue isn’t in the mere manners, it needs to be our own personal standards that have gone on a decline. Even when I dated the most thugs of boyfriends they pulled my chair out.  It was the way I carried myself that lead them to know from the gate that if they never pull a dime like myself they was going to step it ALL the up.  So opening up doors is normal for me during my dating processes. Opening doors was basic.  It wasn’t because I carried myself in a stuck up way, I didn’t I was laid back but my mere demeanor said hey buddy, this is going to be a classy outing. Now this didn’t always mean I was at 5 star restaurants all the time either.  I could go to a night of dancing in the hole in the wall but still be treated like I wasn’t living in the hole of the wall.  I set the standard!

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If you are married and your husband is super caring, we uplift them. We start labeling relationship goals right off the bat because a husband kissed their wife.  Okay I get there are sexless and boring marriages (all by choice) but a simple kiss even a romantic passionate one making relationship goals only means that there are a lot of married couples who do not enjoy the union they are in. Kisses are done simply at the altar or union as a seal of commitment.  So….yeah we have got to raise the standard.  I had a conversation with my own husband and we acknowledged the highs and lows of our relationship and how outside things and distractions are often celebrated when we lack the self-sufficiency to love on each other and ourselves in the way it should be.  A husband who simply comes home is celebrated as if he isn’t supposed to return home after his outside of the home obligations are done.  He is celebrated and the phrase, “well at least he’s not cheating” comes into play. Like is he supposed to be cheating?  I know cheating is big but let’s not give more respect to the cheater than the faithful?  We live in a messed up world.  The only way to make the world smaller is to learn to leave the outside world OUTSIDE. Spend more time making YOUR world what YOU want it to be.

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If you are married and have kids and your husband doesn’t lift the finger to assist you with the kids some of it on you because you won’t speak up and other reasons is because he doesn’t think he should, I hear well at least he’s in the home.  So many men are locked up or leave after they make the babies.  This is true.  However him being in the home still living like an absentee father is even more crazy.  You do know they exist.  They are simply bodies but they don’t do a thing but get the greatest father in the world book just because they stayed.  Um, if you have a baby and make a baby it is YOUR responsibility to be there, provide, and dare I say interact and assist in the raising of that child.  It is simply not okay to come in the home, say hi, watch tv and send the child to bed and think you have arrived in parenting.  NO you need to be a force in the home.  You need to be helping with whatever it takes to make sure you have healthy, loved and supported children.  Ladies, if you have a man who is simply there don’t expect it.  Also speak up and don’t berate him because he doesn’t do things like you do either.  It’s give and take once ALL parties pay their part.

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I believe in rewarding kids but kids are supposed to do good things if they are influenced in the right way.  For instance every time your child does something he/she will NOT always be rewarded.  Teaching integrity means that at some point they learn to do the right thing simply because it’s right and not because someone is watching them or will give them something.  This is why some kids feel a sense of entitlement because you love your little love muffin and use rewards for everything.  Reward systems are awesome.  It can be used to motivate but should not be in the place of all parenting techniques. These little angels grow up and think the world owes them something and you and I both know that really isn’t how it works.

Like I have always pushed, balance is key.  Never do more on one side over another. I know this whole not wanting to be “basic” is a thing but the reality is there are times when going back to the old landmark really does still work.  The standard you set in your life and how you work through it should still be set by a measurement.  If a person is worth your time they will know what your standard is.  That is why some people go ga ga over things like good sex.  Is sex supposed to be bad?  Yes there are some sexual partners that don’t always do it right off the bat and you have to set the standard even in that on what you will accept or not.  However some folks get one strong sexual partner and will throw caution to the wind over some wet sheets and weak knees.  It’s like having a stack of cards and as long as one suit is good, you don’t pay any attention to anything else.  Set the standard.  Know you are worth to be treated the way you want and make no excuse for it.  In time once your basic needs are met the other items will line up because you are looking through balanced eyes.

Birthday Message: Toibration 36 Years Young!

So finally today is the day.  It is my birthday.  Anytime you can wake up on the side of the living is a blessing.  Older people look forward to seeing a new birthday while younger people act as if it is a dread.  Perspective tells you to be grateful for any time you have as it is borrowed.  Today I am grateful for my 36 years.  I have had many times in my life where I have been close to death.  I am grateful for the time I can spend making my dreams come true and being with loved ones.

I am truly blessed that this year has me pushing the limits a bit.  I set out on a journey of self-love this year and I am reaping the benefits.  If I can’t love myself than the love I have for others isn’t pure.  Loving on me more has allowed me to block out distraction.  I am no longer in competition with anyone else but me.  I wake up and speak positivity over myself daily.  I am not a love guru I just got tired of speaking negative thoughts of not being enough, being overweight, not cute enough, all of the things I tell my girls not to do to themselves.  I know that some people have the do as I say mentality but I am my children’s mirror.  What I show them by example is important.  I can’t be trying on clothes and talking bad about myself but tell my daughter to be strong and confident and I wasn’t.  I started addressing my issues.

I first looked on the inside. I was unhappy.  I could fix my weight any day but if I can’t work on being happy what is the point.  I would seemingly just find something else to be an issue.  So I began to journal hard.  When I felt unhappy what was the reason?  I noticed the pattern wasn’t in any event but how I processed how I thought about the event.  How much I allowed my anxiety take over.  These are not easy tasks.  I set out to find a way to turn each thought around.  I am not saying I am totally fixed and I walk around with happiness juice pouring off of me in an annoying way, but I can get through the day and have a better outlook.

When I look in the mirror I love what I see.  I just don’t tolerate myself.  I don’t speak negatively about myself.  I am not looking at my thighs and having issues.  Not just because I lost weight but because I realize that whatever shape I am in, can change and I am fine in my own skin. This year will definitely be better than last year in the sense that I am ready to continue in this love walk.  I encourage others to do the same.  Let me also warn you that once you begin your journey you may not lose friends or family but your relationships with them will change.  It’s then that you will see how people really view you.  Remember there are some who benefit to see you all sad, down, and miserable. Once you change that they won’t be receptive to the “new” you.  It will hurt.  You will be disappointed but grateful that it happened. Shine on anyway…No one can stop your shine but you!!

As always let me end by shouting out my twin sister, Tierra.  I had the honor of coming into the world with my own womb partner, sister, and friend by choice!! Love you and happy birthday!!

And as promised I am about 5 pounds to goal so the featured photo to this blog both at the top were taken at various points of my weight.  My highest weight in December was 190.  I am currently at 155.  So that is a good dip and I am very proud of it! I didn’t want to be the same size as I was after the birth of my youngest who by the way is 3.  You know how women say it’s baby weight but the kids is like 12, that is what I was doing. However with hard work, and dedication I have definitely improved the outside as much as I have improved the inside. I can definitely now give my kids a run for their money. My energy is definitely up.  I can handle going to the gym 3 days a week.  I am eating better.  I have made a lifestyle change instead of only a summer time fine change.  I want to be life time fine.  I have people who depend on me and most importantly I depend on myself.

Huge shout out to all of my friends and family. I really am touched by the special and unique gifts that have all been super personal.  Thanks for the emails, texts, calls, time spent-all of it.  I am smiling hard today.  Thank you to my ToiTime followers as well!!

So I will be on all of my social media spots today.  I will be enjoying this day to the fullest. If you can’t celebrate you no one will right?  Toibration continues….