Thanksgiving Tips To Get Through

It’s here, it’s finally here.  The start of the holidays can begin.  For all of those that have been dreading this or those who welcome it, it’s time to go into full gear. With that said not everyone will be spending the holidays with the most accepting family or friends.  Honestly I would suggest to avoid drama to have a Friendsgiving meal instead of with family if the situation is toxic.  Life is too short to be arguing over the dinner table.  I would rather family be mad and get over it then to have to spend the holidays overwhelmed, angry, and then have this feeling stick with you for days.  This is not that I do not like family gatherings, I do but I am anti stress of any sorts regardless of the occasion.  In case you just can’t just not show up to a family gathering and you know there will unavoidable drama here are my tips to get you through:

  1. Have an exit plan. If you are traveling with others, make a code word. Something that only you and the ones you came in with know. Honor your sanity to know that you don’t have to spend a whole day, if after some time you are ready to roll, then do so.  You are grown.  Do NOT make up an excuse. Just simply be gracious, thank your host, and then leave.  If you have to make an excuse then you haven’t realized how grown you are.
  2. Take a deep breath.  Folks gon work your nerves. There’s no way around it. Be prepared for it.
  3. Don’t answer everything.  Sometimes we talk to much just to prove a point and why?  It’s not necessary.  You don’t have to be right.  There’s peace and letting folks play themselves.  It’s amazing the folks every holiday that got a word for YOUR life, but yet ain’t got one for their own. Less is best.
  4. As long as you’re not on alcoholic tendencies, grab a drink but don’t overdo it.  Two people tell the truth and that’s kids and drunk folks.  Loose lips sink ships.  So do not become so drunk that you allow your drunk muscles to speak for you.  This is when things go left and what you should have dealt with sober you try to deal with liquid courage.
  5. Bring a hostess gift.  Do you know the worst thing about the holidays is the part where folks talk about the ones who just come through with a plate but don’t ever bring anything to contribute.  Bring something.  Even if its momma house and she insist, slide momma a few dollars. Do something.
  6. Remember that Thanksgiving is one day.  Do not fall into the trap in putting more power in the day that you forget what the day is about.
  7. If things get heated, retreat, leave, walk away.  You know you are going to hear the same stories. the same drama, and the same everything, be prepared for it.
  8. Be realistic.  If you chalk it up to be more than what you know it will be, you will be the only one disappointed.
  9. Have some fun-yes with all of the stress to prepare the perfect meal, be the best host, or just avoid going to jail remember to have a little fun.  Play some games, enjoy that beverage, enjoy that piece of pie-enjoy!
  10. Do not bring anyone to someone else’s house without speaking with them beforehand.  No you can’t bring your new flavor of this week to the dinner.  We don’t want to meet them. No you can’t just bring a random dude to momma house. See them afterwards.  I know people want to bring them a tenderoni to the dinner but unless you clear it with the hoss, meet up for some after Thanksgiving night cap and leave it at that. If you don’t take heed the only tenderoni you gon have is some ricearoni or get hemmed up in a corner.  There are rules so know the rules before you go to someone’s house.
  11. For the single that get the when you getting married question, just be gracious. No matter what you say or do they gon ask.  You might as well deal.  If you are married and you get the whole, when are you having kids find a way to be gracious instead of mad.  If you feel the need to be a little bit more stern than do so but remember stern don’t have to be ignorant unless someone has asked you several times in the same night and won’t respect your no.
  12. If you are married or dating and you are going over your in-laws or future in-laws, take the cue in how to deal with their family from your mate or boo. Stop overstepping your boundaries. Everybody family ain’t saved and you might get a bite you wasn’t expecting.  Attempt to be respectful.  If you feel you can’t remove yourself.

I hope you all have a great holiday. It will take a cool down, being focused on what the holiday is about, having a plan of action, and removing yourself from stressful situations to do that.  Remember self-care sometimes means saying no, not over doing it, enjoying the moment and controlling your own responses.  Have a good one and keep these things in mind.

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Ask Toi: I recently overheard a song that I used to share with an ex, my current boyfriend thinks I should stop singing it, what should I do?

Nothing.  It’s a song.  There is nothing that your current boyfriend can do with the fact that you have a memory with an ex.  It’s life.  We all have them.  I have them.  The point is to see it as a memory only and keep moving.  As long as you aren’t throwing the song or any memory in his face, he will be okay.  He may just be upset because he feels that another man has shared something he hasn’t.  My thing is that is the way dating works. You will never really share everything with one person.  There is space although small that we all bring in from someone else.  It’s no different from a cologne or perfume smell.  It’s all a memory.  It reminds me of the song by Jill Scott, “Cross my mind.”  In the song she talks about a memory in the form of her ex’s cologne and she attempted to have the next one smell like the last but it stunk.  Everything isn’t for everybody.  It really isn’t. Your boyfriend has memories of other women he just happened to know about one of yours and it stung him a bit.  He will be fine.  Let him know that there is nothing to be worried about and let that be that.

To the part where you should stop singing unless you have a mic or a made up mic and are literally in his face with it, he will deal.  Songs come on.  I know of one of my husbands songs for his ex and I just mention it and move on.  I have songs for my exs and it is what it is.  I don’t sing it like I am attempting to make American Idol but its a memory good or bad and it fades.

I Got You Ma…

Well where I live it’s about to be a nice 90 degrees.  This is a signal to every female of what to expect in the coming months.  It doesn’t matter if you’re single, married, or an alien, if you are female the foolery is going to happen.  For my single ladies, this cat calling will confuse you if you don’t have your wits about you.  For some we can get cat called on daily but for those who may be a little rusty and looking to step back in the dating field, let me give you a few details to remember.

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I got you ma personality-this is the man with all of the promises in the world but NEVER comes through. Also watch for the ones who are hit and miss with the promises.  They were waiting on you to drop your drawers and didn’t want to go all in-trust me. I met a guy a million years ago that was like, I got you: nails, hair etc I ain’t seen him in a million years.  He was all talk.  It may seem like part of the game but there are a lot of cues to this type of man.  Look at if you get that far how he interacts with those around you.  If he is the flashy type of guy that makes it rain in the club but ain’t making it rain in his own home, there is a problem.  We all love to go out and have a good time but if you find the man you are entertaining is the type that don’t have his stuff together, run.  In your 20s living it up is what folks do,  but anything past 20s is screaming “run the hell away.” If this man can’t get your nails and hair done but keeps promising you, what are you wasting your time for? Not that you need him to do it. Let’s keep this real during the time I met the I got you ma man, I was at the nail and hair salon bi-weekly.  So his donations weren’t needed. I wasn’t the woman looking for a come up.  My momma already taught me how to maintain without a man.  So for the men on some oh she trying to get the ladies to be a gold digger you can relax that’s not even the case.  Be clear that a LOT of men will approach a woman especially when they think she and he are comfortable with the let me get you lies.  Women don’t even have to give it up.

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How many times has a man said I don’t care that you’re married?  Trust me a lot.  How many of them said I can get you whatever and you can look in their eyes and see they full of it?  A lot.  Ladies, you know I am telling the truth.  The problem is once you have gone out on a few dates we tend to forget that it’s all about the chase.  The I got you ma man isn’t staying around to really wine and dine you past getting the “cookie.”  So you have to see if that man’s words have weight. The game doesn’t change.  The issue is that some women will find that man who does make good on what he says and messes him over.  This does happen.  Be careful in the world of scammers.  Not all men are scammers but trust there are some.  Some men, will put only a little bait to see what you are willing to do.  You want the expensive restaurant, it’s going to cost you.  You want a new handbag, it’s going to cost you.  The cost to them is mere pennies to what it cost you to think you finally found the one and are left with a broken heart.  Unless a wet spot on some sheets is all you need than I say go for it!!

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I had a guy tell me he was going to buy this and that I have yet to see it but guess what, I bought it myself.  End of the day its simple, be your own boss.  Go to the table with more than hips and thighs.  You are not a value meal.  Learn to smile and give them a little snazziness back when they start talking that game.  Learn to weed out the losers that really just want to get laid.  Always remember as a woman when you walk away from one there is another so don’t waste your beautiful times on a bunch of lies.  Its warm, Summer is coming and skirts and dresses make these men lose their mind.  Don’t lose yours….

Ask Toi: My boyfriend is calling me little cute names and its irking me but this is a new relationship and I don’t want to mess it up, what should I do?

The very point of new love is to get to know someone. If you telling your boyfriend that you don’t like something is an issue this relationship will not last.  Relationships are give and take.  Sometimes you have to speak up.  Best believe your boyfriend will have zero problems stating what he likes or doesn’t like.  I get that the first semi difficult talk seems to be happening, but you have to let him know.  Why let this man call you a little pet name that you simply don’t want to hear.  When he calls you this name its supposed to have you grinning from ear to ear not irritated.  Communication is key in any relationship.  Women feel like they can’t speak up unless all hell has broken loose and now you’re in full complaint mode.  Men think that all women do is complain because often times we let things go unchecked and then we confront after many times before we didn’t simply just be an adult and hash it out and leave it alone.  You don’t like it, sit him down and say hey I would prefer a different name.  Reality as simple as this situation is the bigger issue isn’t in a pet name but the reality that you are already feeling like you need to tip toe around him and that needs to change.  If you are in a relationship open and honest communication with yourself and then him is necessary. Any relationship where you can’t do both needs to be reevaluated.  Is the name the issue or your lack of ability to feel comfortable speaking up the issue?  Is it that you are afraid that rocking the boat?  Is your relationship in a good place or this a drop in a bucket? Sometimes the small things that irritate you about someone can reveal much bigger issues.  If the romance has died early on than you can either do the work to rekindle it or decide if its worth it all together.

 

 

We not washing now…

So I was listening to Steve Harvey show yesterday when I heard the strawberry letter about a wife that is no longer washing her behind. Now I have personally answered I think at least 2 Ask Toi about non washing spouses and now I got to turn this into a blog because I got questions. The first thing that came to my mind was what in the unholy hell is this foolishness?  Why is this a thing?  Why is this okay?  Did you need someone to tell you to wash your behind?  Why are you out here smelling like garbage cans?  Is this the new cute? I will stay ugly than because this can’t be life.

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How are you grown regardless of your marital status and decide to say hey, I am no longer interested in washing?  Now you know how I feel about depression.  I know its real.  I have suffered from it from a time or two so I can easily see how someone can let “themselves go.”  My issue is that it’s not my place to judge how long you stay in depression, there are many suffering for years.  However there is always one issue.  Unless you have the ability to get a check from somewhere and you NEVER have to leave your home and you decide to wash and you don’t live with others than a strong MAYBE this would be okay.  However if you have to be next to, talk to, interact with, etc with other humans, washing is non negotiable.  You don’t get to decide you just taking a washing break.  Washing is like 1st nature.  It’s not natural to be out here smelling like 3 weeks ago.

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Remember the days when you were a child and you could get away with stinking or maybe you didn’t even have a strong smell back then, we talking like under 5?  Those days are long gone.  Now a days 7 year olds need deodorant.  So as an adult you can’t sink wash your life away.  You need to dip your entire body into some water, wash all the necessary parts and make sure they are dry.  We can’t forget the drying part.  Listen these are things that somebody’s momma should have told folks.  However the more I keep reading advice for it, further tells me someone is missing the memo.  If you don’t know how to properly take care of yourself ask someone you trust.  Start with a doctor.  But the excuses has to stop.

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Now for couples married or not what makes you think someone wants to get close to you smelling like 2 days ago? No one.  We can keep it real and say you ain’t gonna smell like cherries everyday but your base line should be clean.  You should have more days of smelling good than not.  If you are experiencing a health issue than its YOUR responsibility to take care of it and find a way to get it back to a normal level.  Intimacy is a beautiful thing but trust and believe it can be soured by unsettling odors. Please stop putting your spouse in the way to tell you that you smell.  They love you.  They don’t want to hurt your feelings.  They are lacking words.  However like my mom taught me and it’s true, you can smell you.  You know you need to dip back in the water.  Get in the water and make magic happen.  This concept that a man or woman just needs to love you no matter what is cute in theory.  However on planet reality if after you smelled you, after I spoke up, after I encouraged you to get help, maybe even went to the doctor with you and you STILL out here musty and not caring, than its time to re-evaluate.  This means that no matter how much help you have you aren’t going to change.

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I can’t understand why you would want to be funky and unwashed but whatever this epidemic is it needs to stop.  Hygiene is important.  It shows how much you care about yourself let alone others.  I can attest you wasn’t out here funky when you was out here trying to get a man or woman.  So once you get them you can’t get too comfortable.  This leads me to my last part of this washing conversation.  We all change.  We get over weight, we lose hair, we lose a lot because life happens.  What shouldn’t be lost or I should say stay lost is the love you have for yourself.  If you put energy into your life you will reap that. Some people are giving out energy to everything but them.  How can you be 100% to someone else and be unwilling to be that to yourself?  You will never be the best mom, wife, husband, father, worker, etc if you don’t learn to make you a priority.  So in reality what you are giving out is a fraction of the potential that you have.  Care about yourself. Love yourself and wash.  This foolishness of unwashed adults has to end today!!  Step it up or be prepared for someone  to rightfully walk away.

 

Ask Toi: My ex got in contact with me to tell me that I am miserable its messing with my head,what can I do?

There’s something I learned I believe from my mom, you can’t stop people from calling (back then you couldn’t) but you can choose who you answer.  You do NOT need to entertain your ex’s shenanigans.

Even if that was true why are you listening to an ex?  Why are you keeping the doors of communication open?  I have ex boyfriends that I wish them well, however we aren’t anywhere sitting up chit chatting about my life in the least way.  I am good.  It’s not just because I am married that I don’t entertain an ex.  I did the same for the most part when I was single. I married my ex so I can’t say I totally cut them off.  However I didn’t allow any type of defeating and negative talk.  If you don’t like what your ex says don’t answer your ex.  Now back in the day when my mom told me this advice we didn’t have the fancy cell phones that we have now.  Now we can block calls and text messages with a simple push of a button.  You can block on social media.  You can block on emails.  So if you continue to take in the garbage that your ex is spewing you have to take the responsibility of saying that although negative there is a part of you that likes it.

No one should be calling you up with drama.  However the more you feed drama it only gets worst.  Cut it off and see what happens.  A real cut off is inviting peace back in your space.  FYI an ex that told you how miserable just wants to get under your skin and is miserable themselves.  Remember misery loves company so don’t feed into it.  Also if you are really in love with this ex and this ex has a soul tie or is a person you can’t seem to shake out of your spirit, here’s my advice:

  1. Cut them off-you need space and clarity no matter how long its been since you two were an item.  If he or she is truly the one for you then later on down the line and some time apart will help determine that
  2. Seek counseling-sometimes what we seek in others whether positive or negative isn’t really supposed to come from others but you.  You have to be strong and whole no matter what you do
  3. Take some healing time-get over this ex.  That doesn’t happen overnight.  The person you once were before you met this person may not ever come back fully but find out what you like or don’t like.  Date yourself.  Motivate yourself.  Love yourself so when love comes knocking you can recognize.  Love doesn’t hurt in the physical or emotional sense either

I hope this helps.  Good luck!

Ask Toi: I am dating a woman and I am a woman and my girlfriend is very controlling..says that shes been better than anyone male or female and I should deal, what is your advice?

It doesn’t matter to me that you are a woman dating another woman.  No relationship should be so demanding and controlling.  If it makes you uncomfortable than it should be heard and followed through with change, period.  Just because a partner is better than the others you had that doesn’t mean they can take advantage of you and do what they want.

You must tell your girlfriend that this demanding and controlling behavior is too much. Let her know that you need her to back off not just for a season but to actually make real change.  Demanding and controlling relationships are like life suckers.  They are draining. They make you not want to participate or you begin to withhold information, or how you interact out of a fear of what they will say or feel.  If this isn’t what you want to continue you must stop it now. Relationships like this left unchecked will only progress to a worst stage.  She will be stopping you from hanging out with your friends or family. Healthy relationships mirror where two people have a life together as well as other outside interests that the other mate doesn’t have to be involved in.  Healthy relationships allow the other mate to be an adult and fall sometimes and support.

This concept that relationships require you to be joined at the hip even for married couples is a concept that needs to stop.  There should always be respect in what you do when you aren’t around your girlfriend but if she feels she must control what you do, than you are merely a child like person to her that she thinks she can manipulate.  I know married couples who do the same.  The controlled mate always talks about it to others but don’t always feel as if they can talk to their mates for fear that the other mate will get offensive. If you are an adult than adults should have the ability to figure out the things going on in their life without a mothering or controlling type over them calling the shots. This is not healthy.  If the controlled mate can’t handle life than the two of you shouldn’t be in a relationship.  It sounds as if you are the opposite and know right from wrong.  Just speak up.  Some people attract the type of person who controls but that usually comes from some unanswered issues from their childhood.  You can work this out but if you see your girlfriend slip in any way you may have to call it quits.  I am not advocating breaking up right off the bat, but you have to be in a mature relationship.  You are not a child, you are a strong, abled bodied woman capable of making good and bad decisions on your own.  Talk it out and than just life your life and try to incorporate her in it.  You might find she isn’t the right fit and that just means you are that much closer to knowing what you want and finding the one that you need.  Controlling relationships no one wins.  The one controlling is tired all of the time having to do and speak up and the one being controlled is just as irked.  Good luck!